The Master (2012)

by Ryan

Having seen none of Paul Thomas Anderson's previous works, I decided that this movie looked interesting enough to go see with my father. And boy was I right. However, as interesting as "The Master" may have been, I still have absolutely no idea what it was about. I mean, obviously it's some sort of commentary on L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology but what was this movie REALLY about? Your guess is as good as mine, and I've already seen the damn thing. "The Master" opens on Joaquin Phoenix, who plays a crazy guy (go figure) that loves to make his own alcohol and have sex with women made of sand. After a tour in the Navy, Joaquin is deemed too insane for normal society and is tasked with taking pictures of people at the mall. Unfortunately, this doesn't last very long as his uncontrollable temper gets the better of him time and time again. Eventually, Joaquin ends up on a huge boat that happens to belong to Philip Seymour Hoffman and his already loyal cult following. Philip takes a shining to Joaquin due to his knack for making bizarre alcohols (some of which include ingredients such as paint thinner and gasoline) and decides to put him to work as his right hand man for some reason. (It doesn't make any sense when you think about it; why would you employ a crazy drunk guy that forced his way onto your ship?) Anyway, we find out that Philip Seymour Hoffman is an author/scientist/scholar/liar and we follow their journey across the country, as Philip's cult tries desperately to persuade others into joining in on their beliefs (and buying Philip's bullshit book). There are a few times during the movie where Philip loses his shit, calling people "PIG FUCK" and getting all red. There are also quite a number of times where Joaquin loses his shit and beats the crap out of people for no apparent reason. Those are probably the best parts of the movie. Don't get me wrong, the performances were astounding and the cinematography was incredible. I loved watching Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams brainwash people just as much as the next guy. But honestly, "The Master" just felt way too long and way too pointless. Don't even get me started on the ending. Overall, I'd have to say that I'm glad that I saw this in theaters even though I have no intention of ever watching it again. If you're in the mood for a slow, weird, seemingly pointless movie with lots of foul language and boobies, then "The Master" is definitely for you.

Rating: 3 out of 5 PIG FUCKS

VHS Review: Ghoulies (1985)

By Brian
5/5

Ghoulies, has a little bit of everything which adds up to make a near-perfect horror-fantasy-comedy:  Puppets, sorcery, midgets, cheesy '80s lightning effects, and terrible acting are all crammed into 82 minutes of pure awesomeness.  Ghoulies is about a young couple who move into a giant mansion.  The man is overcome by a desire to obtain and control the magic forces that he finds in a necromoniconic book he finds in the basement magic room.    Ghoulies is relatively light on the gore, but heavy on special effects, which kept me thoroughly entertained the entire hour and twenty minutes.  The Ghoulies themselves are the best part, little monsters who cause mischief all around the mansion. Whoever designed the puppets put a lot of hard work into designing and creating them, and it shows.  I loved how the main character gains more and more power, very Dungeons & Dragons like, gaining mastery over increasingly powerful spells as he slips deeper into his obsession.  Lots of lame jokes and cliche horror movie themes ("I have to go off alone and find a match to light my doobie.") keep this movie light and easy to watch.  Time to start collecting sequels, 5 evil baby puppets out of 5.

Suplimental Movie Night Review: The Dark Night Rises (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
What a load of crap!  After everyone lost their shit for The Dark Night, I was expecting Hollywood to pull out all the stops for the final installment of this decade's Batman trilogy.  Instead, all I got was Christian Bale mopping around his mansion and bitching.  "Have sex with rich, attractive women and then go use awesome gadgets to fight evil?  No thanks, my knee hurts."  Come on! Maggie Jullenhal is a 6, tops, go have an 8 supermodel coke-fueled orgy, isn't that what being a billionaire is all about?  half the movie isn't even about Batman, its about some cop, who loves orphans.  Its all "orphans this, orphans that, I want to be like Bruce Wayne, hes an orphan." Enough with the orphans, just join a street gang and stop complaining already. Eventually, Wayne decides he wants to be Batman again (surprise!) and goes to Morgan Freeman to see what new gadgets hes got, which turns out to only be a stupid looking helicopter, nothing else.  No sneaking around in this movie, just shooting lasers out of the helicopter thingy and punching dudes in the face.  Rises totally skips the entire detective and problem solving aspect of the Batman character.  Also, everyone in the movie already knows Bruce Wayne is Batman, everyone he meets is like, "Hi Bruc-*cough* Batman, lol, my bad *wink*." On to the abysmal dragged along plot.  The villain is Bane, who, according to the Batman cartoon I watched as a kid, is supposed to be addicted to a substance called Venom which makes him super strong, bulgey, and an all together crazy 'roid raged out mother fucker.  Unfortunately, in the film, hes pretty much just a normal guy whose only power is being slightly better fighter than Batman, and wearing a modified scuba diver's breathing aperatus which does.......something unexplained.  What really bothered me is how after the first fight where Bane beats Batfag's ass to an inch of his life, all Batman has to do is a couple of pull-ups and sit-ups and BAM! fighter level increased thrice-fold.  The movie was way too long with too much side character development (no one cares about your shitty fantasies, Alfred, go make me a fucking a sandwich!)   Bane is a weak super villain, with no clear motives behind his actions except simply being mad about being thrown in jail, boo-hoo.  The opening scene of this movie is the only one worth watching, 2 whiny Batmans out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
While Brian raises a number of interesting and surprisingly valid points, I can't help but feel like he's being a little too harsh with his ratings system. Granted, "The Dark Knight Rises" is certainly not as great as "The Dark Knight" and possibly not even on the same level as "Batman Begins," but it's still a relatively good movie. Certainly worthy of more than just 2 measly Batmans out of 5. For starters, "The Dark Knight Rises" does a fantastic job of combining the best aspects of the critically-acclaimed "Knghtfall" story line from the comic books. Maybe it's just the huge nerd in me, but watching Tom Hardy's Bane effortlessly snap Batman's back on the big screen sent a few shivers down my own spine. Not to mention all of those awesome IMAX shots of bridges and buildings  and football stadiums exploding. I think the only real problem that I had with the film was Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. First of all, they don't ever even call her Catwoman at any point in the movie. Secondly, she has absolutely no cats in her apartment. But besides all that is the fact that her character was just not necessary to the story in any way. Even when you think she's about to do something cool and interesting, the movie cuts to someone else doing something cooler and more interesting than she'd ever be capable of. For example, there's that part when Catwoman is sent to Blackgate (a penitentiary filled with Gotham's most evil men) and you think "Oh, this is going to be pretty sweet. Catwoman is totally going to kill some rapists or something!" But no! All she does is twist that one guy's hand and then she's released by Bane! Overall, I'd say that "The Dark Knight Rises" is a terrific ending to a terrific trilogy. However, the fact that the film consistently makes references to both of the previous films sort of takes away from the originality of this one. It's kind of like "Hey! Remember how good those other two movies were?" Also, Brian's right. Fuck John Blake. 

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 whiny Batmans
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

Tuesday Review: The Amazing Spider-Man

Jelani's Take:
Well, I was really excited for this one, as Peter Parker's High school time has never been thoroughly covered on the big screen. Of course, my comic book nerd-dom left me completely unimpressed, as Marc Webb decided that his "original" take on Spider-Man's origin is better than the canonical story that Steve Ditko and Stan Lee created decades ago. I understand the desire to update certain franchises in order to make it more accessible to a younger generation, but without a groundbreaking or wholly original plot (like X-Men: First Class for example), the entire thing really just falls short. What resulted in this case were two-dimensional characters that I found myself not really caring for. Sure, the "coincidences" that were thrown in to fix the huge plot gaps made enough sense, but it felt like a forced rewiring of a perfect system, instead of an organic evolution of one of my favorite characters of all time; Peter Parker. Whoa... I feel myself getting long winded on this one; I just shed a tear. Anyway! In the movie, Peter Parker gets picked on. Great. He has a thing for Gwen Stacy. Great. He gets bitten by a spider, except it really ties into his parents' secret line of work with radioactive spiders? Okay... I can buy it. The problems though, are that Peter is way to confident here. Way too dreamy, and is bound to be a fucking supervillain because: wait for it... He never fucking learns that with great power comes great responsibility! Throughout the movie, Spider-Man goes around hunting his uncle's killer. He never finds him, and instead beats up the Lizard, who is trying to destroy the city. There's a HUGE problem with that plot alone. His anger towards his uncle's killer is never resolved, he never learns any life lessons, and effectively fails to come of age in this story. The entire point of the original Peter Parker story is that he comes of age. It's the classic coming of age story. There's tragedy and heroic moments and tons and tons of failures and in the end, he finally becomes a man and starts dealing with life and his superpowers in a very responsible and caring way. In this movie, there is no conflict. No teenager torn, no love story haunted by demons, just a sappy teen-romance that is coated with Spider-Powers and a supervillain. The CGI was pretty cool though, and the fight scenes were fast-paced and sharp. I liked Captain Stacy, as his characterization was the only one that matched the original depiction. If you've never heard the story of Peter Parker, then I suppose this movie will seem like a triumph to you. It has a concise layout, and there is the illusion of character growth throughout. But if you know Peter Parker, then you're in for two weird hours with strangers. Spider-Man's "untold story" would be better off staying that way. The plot left me unimpressed but for looking cool, I'll give it 2 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
The main problem that I had with "The Amazing Spider-Man" is that it just wasn't different enough from the original "Spider-Man" to even warrant it being made in the first place. There was just so much time wasted on unnecessary back story; it takes literally an hour before we even see Peter Parker become a full-fledged Spider-Man. Like we all already know how he becomes Spider-Man, there isn't a single person on the planet who doesn't know that. I mean, the other movie just came out like ten years ago. They could have summed up all of that origin story in a quick animation during the opening credits and then jumped right into Peter Parker already being Spider-Man! Ugh! Anyway. Since Jelani already went over why "The Amazing Spider-Man" was not as amazing as it should have been, I'll highlight some of the better aspects of the film. First of all, I think Andrew Garfield made for a pretty good Spider-Man. He's more quippy than Tobey Maguire and he uses his webs a hell of a lot more. In fact, that was one of the main things that they did right. Peter Parker making and designing his own web shooters with his own genius brain trumps Peter Parker miraculously developing his own webbing inside of his body somehow any day of the week. The Lizard was also pretty terrific, even though I would have liked it more if he wasn't able to speak. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have him actually wearing the labcoat for more than a few seconds. But that's just the huge nerd inside me talking. Overall, I felt that "The Amazing Spider-Man" was very underwhelming. Often times I found myself feeling bored, which is not something that I should ever feel during a FUCKING SPIDER-MAN MOVIE. FUCK. However, the action sequences were pretty cool to look at and the acting was pretty decent. If I were to watch this movie again, I'd most likely just fast-forward through all of the kissing and touching faces. Hopefully, the next two movies dwell less on the teenage romance and more on the supervillain fights.

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 unnecessary reboots
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Surprisingly no, Brian did

Netflix Movie Review: Birdemic (2010)

by Ryan

There aren't enough insults in the English language to sum up the amount of contempt that I have for this movie. Billed as a "great cult movie" among the likes of "The Room" and "Troll 2," I figured I'd give "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" a shot. After all, "The Room" is one of the best worst things I have ever seen in my entire life. Unfortunately, saying that "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" pales in comparison to Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece is an understatement. "Birdemic" is god awful with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. How I was able to sit through this hour and a half long piece of crap without falling asleep once if beyond me. Basically, "Birdemic" tells the story of a man and a woman who meet in this restaurant and then start dating. They knew each other in high school, the guy was really shy back then, yadda yadda yadda, it's really boring. Then, birds come out of nowhere are start attacking people for no apparent reason. Not just any birds, mind you. Poorly animated .gifs of eagles placed equidistant from each other inserted directly over shots of people pretending to shoo away nothingness. The sound effect of the same one bird squawking is literally played on a loop throughout the duration of each attack. There are three different eagle animations used during the movie: eagle just barely flapping its wings, eagle just barely flapping its wings with its back towards the camera, and eagle swooping down and crashing into something. There is no shock in this movie, nor is there any terror. In fact, they should have just called this movie "Birdemic: Shockingly Boring and Terrible." Now, I have seen plenty of horrible movies in my life but this one takes the cake. Every shot and scene is way longer than it needs to be, all of the dialogue is unrealistic and boring, and the "special effects" are atrocious. If I had a functioning time machine in my possession, I would use it to go back before I ever watched this movie and tell my past self to not even bother.

Rating: 1 out of 5 poorly animated eagles

Tuesday Review: Prometheus (2012)

Brian's 2-cents:
Prometheus is an action movie disguised as a science fiction film.  As an avid sci-fi fan, I was disappointed by the lack of explanation of the themes in this film and left with more questions then I went in with.  I was hoping for a mind blowing tale of scientists discovering the origin of mankind, but instead I just saw some people getting torched with flame throwers.  The movie wasn't bad, I can't complain about a chick giving herself an alien abortion, but I didn't root for the main character the way I did for Ripley in Alien. Character development was thrown out the window and there was no twist at the end whatsoever. The plot was totally predictable and there were huge plot holes (why didn't the geologist who made the map have a copy of it himself?) The aliens are muscular albinos, little penis snakes, and a squid; no claws, no mouths in mouths, no nothing! The "hows" and "whys" which make science fiction such an interesting genre were ignored. Why and how did the albinos create human life? Why and how did they plan on destroying the human race? Why and how did they find the black goo? Why and how did they go extinct themselves? I got the fiction but where was the SCIENCE?!  I almost want to give this 2 out of 5 but the visual effects were stunning as promised, which drags Prometheus up to a measly 3 out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
I honestly don't understand why this movie is getting such a bad wrap. It's fun, interesting, exciting at times, and really nice to look at. Sure there are some pretty big plot holes, but couldn't the same be said about lots of other movies? Plus, there's obviously going to be a sequel so whatever was not explained in this movie will most likely be addressed in the next one. Honestly, "Prometheus" is at least five times better than most of the schlock-fests that get released nowadays. It's a unique take on the tried and true story of a space expedition gone wrong. Of course, "Prometheus" comes complete with terrifying creatures, awesomely-advanced technology, and a star studded cast. Noomi Rapace is terrific as leading lady Elizabeth Shaw, alongside the likes of Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, and Guy Pearce as a really old guy. But it's Magneto (Michael Fassbender), who plays the devious android David, that truly steals the show. If you loved "Alien" and you're not a stickler for science like Brian is, you will without a doubt be entertained by this movie.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 muscular albinos
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

VHS Review: Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990)

By Brian
5/5


Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor is everything one could ask for in a science fiction horror.  Metamorphosis is about scientists working on a sample of an extraterrestrial life form handed down from the government to a private company.  At first the scientists create a couple of silly animatronic abominations by mixing the alien cells with common earth creatures, but then all hell brakes loose as one of the monsters bites a scientist, causing him to go through a grotesque, pink, bloody, squishy metamorphosis.  The scientist enclosed in his alien cocoon continuously writhes in pain and screams while his entire physical structure is changed down to the cellular level.  After a few weeks, a giant bloodthirsty alien penis dragon emerges from the former scientist and proceeds to brutalize everyone and everything it can get its penis mouth around.  The gore in this movie is fantastic, nothing can stop the dick dragon as it bites off heads, throws around sexy teenagers with its tendrils, and shoots spiky, poison laden projectiles.  If animatronics aren't your cup of tea, there is also some sweet claymation as the alien wiener monster shambles around on its four awkward legs.  Metamorphosis is written and directed by the same guy, Glenn Takakjian, who deserves the highest of fives for creating such a great horror scifi film.  I was also pleased that there was a character named Brian who didn't die in the film, even though I am pretty sure all the characters in the film died from cancer a few years later (watch the film to find out why!)  Finally, the movie was funny, featuring not one but TWO Star Trek references and the classic rambunctious teenagers with their awful dialogue: "It ate some guy!", there was even some mostly accurate hard science thrown in there.  Awesome. Fucking. Movie. 5 tendril flinging, poison spike pad launching, dripping uncircumcised toothed dong dragons out of 5!

This guy had it coming