Tuesday Review: John Carter

Watch The Trailer HERE


Jelani's Take:
John Carter kind of sprung up out of nowhere for me. My nerdiness apparently has giant gaps in it, for I have never heard of this heroic protagonist before. For those of you still in the dark as I was, John Carter is a pretty popular character created by sci-fi writer Edgar Rice Burroughs. As such, John Carter has seen his fair share of publicity in various mediums throughout the years. Still though, I went into this movie not knowing a single thing about it other than that there was some guy named John Carter who would fight giant ape monster things. And that he did! From start to finish, this Disney epic was a wonder to behold. Everything about the film screamed Disney and it felt like a live action iteration of the animated films that we have all loved for years. That being said, Disney sure has been around the block a few times. Regardless of its PG-13 rating, it oozed sex and violence throughout. Even though the blood was blue, it was plentiful and the action scenes are what made this movie so damned cool. But before I digress, let me give you the lowdown. John Carter, a loner and a jaded confederate Virginia calvaryman who is inexplicably transported to Mars after coming into contact with a higher-level being (who turns out to be a group of serious douchebags, and the main conflict in the movie, but whatever you'll see.) wielding a mysterious amulet. On Mars, Carter is super strong and can jump super high. These powers and more are bestowed unto him by the great god Odin who lives on Mars fighting Sutur for territory for all eternity. Or as Brian explained it, there's some magical gravitational anomalies in the science structure of Mars. Just kidding. Aaaaanyway, he immediately comes into contact with the native aliens, the Tharks and is taken in by their leader. As it turns out, Mars is on the brink of total chaos, as the battle-torn planet is being ravaged by two warring factions. John Carter, thrown into the middle of this mess becomes an epic hero and winds up leading the Tharks against the hidden growing threat that is causing the conflict. I know that that's probably the worst synopsis ever, but it's actually a pretty great and absorbing story. Mars itself looks spectacular, and the architecture and vehicle designs are all beautiful to behold. The characters are all sexy and stylish in their half-attire, and the beasts of the planet are all awesome-looking to say the least. There are some great twists and tragic moments, and a hell of a character development in the protagonist throughout. My only qualm is that the boring scenes are long... And boring. I actually found myself nodding off for a couple of the scenes involving the conflicts of the space princess Dejah Thoris (which, actually drove a lot of the plot) or the deep love/lust eye rape scenes between her and Carter. I missed a couple of important plot moments while snoozing, but Ryan kept me up enough to catch 90% of this otherwise amazing movie. Disney never really disappoints, do they? For wide-screen action and a hell of a fun movie experience, JCoM gets a solid 4 stars. I'd see it again, and I highly recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
This movie got such a bad rap opening weekend and I have no idea why. Andrew Stanton, best known for directing "WALL-E" and "Finding Nemo," does a terrific job with his first live action feature film. There's not much that I can say that Jelani hasn't already covered. But I will shadow what he said about the boring scenes being boring. The majority of the film is thrilling and interesting, but when it comes down to the romance between John Carter and Princess Whats-Her-Face we just don't care. And the reason we don't care is because their relationship is extremely underdeveloped. The only reason they're drawn to each other in the first place is because they both wanna bang. Which is totally understandable, just don't try to mask that emotion as "love" when these two characters barely even know each other. While I'm on the topic of underdevelopment, John Carter's character is tad underdeveloped as well. It's never really made clear what he wants until the very end of the movie. Typically, a protagonist needs to have a clear set goal and then embarks on a path to achieve said goal. John Carter's goal, or lack thereof, is constantly changing and never truly defined. Which would account for the really boring scenes towards the end of the second act. However, the action and sci-fi mythos does more than make up for this small hiccup in an otherwise fantastic movie. Also, Willem Dafoe has a really cool alien voice.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 giant ape monster things
Did Jelani Fall Alseep: A little bit.

$3 DVD Special - Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

by Ryan

Doesn't this movie look and sound awesome? The description on IMDB is, and I quote, "A family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo." Devil-worshipping cult, huh? What's not to like? Well, as it turns out, plenty. "Manos: The Hands of Fate" is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. Or at least in my entire life in recent memory. None of the things said on the poster happen in the movie. In fact, there isn't even any devil-worshipping. Master, as he is so aptly named, worships a different, unknown deity named Manos. It's never made clear who Manos is or what he represents, and therefore I don't give two shits about him. There is no real plot or reason for anything that happens in this movie. A couple goes on vacation and is forced to stay the night at this house. That's it. Meanwhile, there's another couple that the movie keeps cutting to that is continuously making out in places that they shouldn't be making out, forcing this super easy-going police officer to shoo them away. It's never explained who they are or why they love making out so much. The main couple, Margaret and Michael, soon discover that the house that they're staying in is owned by this weird guy and his servant, who is an even weirder guy. Also, in the basement there's like ten unconscious women just standing there for some reason. Apparently, they're the Master's wives but that's all that's ever really said about them. Eventually things start to happen and Margaret and Michael try to run away from those things but cannot. You know how the story goes. There is nothing enjoyable about this movie. It's horribly bad, but not even in a so-bad-it's-funny kind of way. There are no sacrifices, no boobs, no blood, and not one single murder. How do you make a fucking horror movie without any of those things?! The closest this movie comes to murdering someone is when the Master's wives begin to shake this one guy a lot. THEY SHAKE HIM. They don't even fucking strangle him! I'm angry just thinking about it. In conclusion, "Manos: The Hands of Fate" isn't worth the 69 minute runtime and certainly is not worth the $3 that I paid for it. If you're going to watch this movie, do yourself a favor and watch the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version instead.


Rating: 1 out of 5 Torgos

Special Zeigfeld Screening Special: The Room (2003)

Watch The Trailer Here


Jelani's Take:
Ok, this one is a little tough. Before I delve into describing the cult masterpiece that also happens to be one of the worst movies to ever see the screen, I'd like to tell you how we even came to know of this bizarre flic. Well, actually, It's not that exciting. ANYWAY, as big fans of the great myriad works of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (pictured below, R.I.P.), we saw the film's lead man Tommy Wiseau (YAAAY!) in a special episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! Wiseau's otherworldly weirdness is magnetic. Immediately after seeing this strange figure, I felt compelled to know more about him.  As it turns out, he is the writer/producer/director/protagonist of this movie: The Room. My first viewing of this movie on Teevee was a little baffling, as I sat pondering its seriousness throughout. This movie is so badly produced that it is literally laughable; hence its Rocky Horror-esque following, and hilarious screenings. The film itself has a solid(ish?) premise: Johnny (Tommy)'s whore of a cunt fiancee' is going through some serious character changes, evidently for no reason. She cheats on him with his best friend throughout and gets done missionary style throughout by the two. The rest of the characters are noble, but all have a single character quirk such as breast cancer or parentlessness. Everyone is unreasonable, lacks simple judgement and loves playing catch with a football. The whole hook is that love drives people to do (really really really) crazy things, and I get that. I just had to scratch my head a bit as to... Uh... Everything else. Throughout, Tommy Wiseau is a wise and prolific protagonist that has terrible taste in friends. His violent stoner best friend, his creepy, drug-dabbling little orphan pal, and his whorish, evil, Dionysus-worshipping fiancee' are "tearing him apart" throughout as well, and this makes for some great one-liners and fits of passion on Wiseau's part.
    The cameraman is a five-year-old, the soundtrack is sexy-I-guess, the scenery was dismal, and the script was probably written on the toilet. I'm assuming that the entire project was an excuse for Wiseau to (quite thoroughly) thrash an apartment and bang some (low-to-moderate) attractive chick. For this, the movie is loved by its cult following, who threw plastic spoons and jeered mercilessly at Lisa; that fucking life-ruining succubus whore. (whose only redeeming factor is her amazing, uncanny ability to become less physically attractive within the span of days!) Overall, The Room, like Human Centipede 2, definitely gets SOME stars from us here at Movie Crew Review.

Hey Tommy! Great Job! From Tim & Eric. <3

Brian's 2-cents:
Unlike my other two Movie Crew companions I had never seen or even heard of this movie before.  On IMDB.com, the amount of viewers giving it 10 stars and 1 star are in almost equal abundance, with barely anyone giving it any stars in between.    The Room is the worst masterpiece I have ever seen, and is one of those movie you just HAVE to see in theaters.  The huge Zigfield theater was packed with people who had obviously seen this film dozens of times, shouting constantly. The audience participation made it clear this was NOT a movie to be taken seriously.  Whenever a spoon appears (which is quite often) everyone in the theater yells and throws plastic cutlery at the screen, and there are constant shouts of "focus the camera!!" (also quite often.)
     The atrocious acting in The Room made me think that English is probably not Tommy's first language.  The acting in juxtaposition with the awful sets, simple plot, and prolific boobage made me think of the softcore HBO porn that I used to fap to as a youth, except way more hilarious.  By the end of the movie, my face hurt from laughing so hard, and I've been laughing quietly to myself all day when ever I think of the characters going "cheep! cheep! cheeeeep!" which, according to the film, is the sound a chicken makes.  I would definintly love to see this movie again in theaters, and next time I'm bringing a fat handful of plastic spoons.

Ryan's Retort:
I once read a review of "The Room" that simply stated that this movie seems as if it were written by a deer without any understanding of human emotion or the way that we interact with one another. That pretty accurately sums up this entire movie. The best part about "The Room" is that it's obvious that Tommy Wiseau thought he was making a cinematic masterpiece, but in actuality all he was really doing was filming himself take the biggest, ugliest, most amazing dump anyone has ever seen in their entire lives.

Rating: Cheep, Cheep, Cheep *Some Stars* Cheep!

The Woman in Black (2012)

by Ryan

Harry Potter's latest stint tells the tale of a young lawyer who travels to a creepy little town in hopes of selling this abandoned house out in the middle of nowhere for some reason. Whilst looking through the previous owner's belongings he stumbles upon a dark secret that involves a dead child and a really angry ghost lady. The movie opens on three little girls merrily playing with dolls in their room. Then all of a sudden, they stop playing and jump out the window. What we later find out is that the angry ghost lady is the reason for all of the child suicides in this creepy little town. Let me say that again. A fucking ghost is making all of the town's children kill themselves. Pretty messed up stuff. One kid drinks lye and starts puking blood until she dies. Another kid lights herself on fire. Shit's crazy! Overall, Woman in Black is a terrific horror movie. The film does a great job of building the scares until the climax, which literally sent a few chills down my spine. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that Harry Potter had a son. He still sounds and looks exactly like Harry Potter. It's hard for me to buy the fact that he has a little boy that is able to speak and walk already. Even though it makes perfect sense for a 20 something year old in the late 1800s to have a child. The ghost looked scary though. And that's all that really matters, isn't it?

Rating: 4 out of 5 dead children

VHS Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

by Brian
5/5

After watching the dismal failure, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, I wondered if there were any good sequels in the Freddy franchise at all.  A.N.O.E.M.S.3:D.W.  is almost as good as the original.  This time, Freddy is going after a group of kids in a institution for sleep disorders, and its up to Nancy Thompson (the chick from the original film) to save them.  Unlike Nightmare 2, where Freddy just slashes everyone (booring), the murder scenes in this movie are actually creative and super fantastical.  In one scene, Freddy is a giant evil snake, then he's a TV monster, and then... well I don't want to give them all away.  The animatronics in this film are some of the best I have EVER seen.  As a special treat, instead of the kids being just scared wusses in their dreams, they get powers which they try and use to defeat the demon child-murderer.  Dream Warriors also reveals Freddy's super fucked up origin (*cough* nun-rape) as a male doctor in the hospital tries to set Freddy's soul to rest, skeleton fighting ensues.  This movie has delightfully bloody murder scenes, and does not hold back when it comes to brutality.

Tuesday Review: Chronicle (2012)

Brian's Two-Cents:
Chronicle is about 3 teens from the local high school who mysteriously inherit telekinetic powers after dicking around near some kind of extraterrestrial (or maybe extra-planar) pointy thing.  The three affected kids are a popular kid, a not so popular kid, and a social leper.  The students overcome their status differences to hone their new-found powers, which, along with their friendship, get exponentially stronger over time.  Chronicle is interestingly filmed, in that all the shots are from the different characters personal cameras.  As the boys' powers increase to almost god-like levels, they face internal conflicts that end up in awesome telekinetic battles.  This movie really got creative with all the cool shit you can do with telekinetic powers, like flying and ripping people teeth out of their skulls.  With all the crappy and cliche sci-fi movies coming out these days, Chronicle is a pleasant deviation from the norm, 4/5.


Ryan's Retort:
What do you get when you take the best aspects of the found footage genre and the best aspects of the superhero genre, lock them in a room, and force them to have sex with each other? Answer: this movie. Chronicle is without a doubt the best superhero film of the year so far. I'm sure that Avengers will be way better, but that's besides the point. What I found most interesting about Chronicle is the brilliant way they incorporated the cameraman into the film, making him a unique and likable character who eventually gains the ability to move the camera around with his mind. This allows for some pretty awesome camera tricks, whilst simultaneously staying true to the found footage parameters. However, there were some downsides to the film. For instance, that whole cutesy videographer girl storyline is completely unnecessary and uninteresting. I have a sneaking suspicion that they just needed to have another camera-wielding character in the movie. Also, the main character tends to come off as a whiny little bitch a little too often for my taste. But when that whiny little bitch finally turns into an evil whiny little bitch, shit gets fucking serious.

Jelani Agrees:
I agree.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 floating cameras
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Fuck no.

Tuesday Review: The Grey (2012)

Watch the trailer here!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Grey stars the always serious Liam Neeson as a depressed wolf killer who struggles for survival when his plane full of middle aged men crashes and sets him in a frozen wasteland inhabited by a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. This movie is depressing as fuck, as one by one the middle-aged men get their faces mauled off by the relentless pack.  The long shots of endless winter wasteland helps drive in the truly hopeless odds the men are faced against.  The wolves are super sneaky, and there are a couple of pop-out moments which made me jump.  The acting is fantastic, but the movie is mostly that, talking.  There was a little too much crying over families and not enough bare knuckle wolf boxing for my taste.  This movie is more about what happens when people are put into a crisis situation than a lesson in how to fight wolves, which I was expecting.  A Black Metal soundtrack would have made this one a lot better, 3/5.

Ryan's Retort: 
This movie was awesome. Brian just didn't like it because he hates feelings. Granted, it would have been cool to see a little more wolf fighting. The trailer makes it seem like Liam Neeson is going to be killing lots and lots of wolves with his bare hands, but in actuality he only kills like 2 and a half. However, that doesn't mean that Liam Neeson is not as badass in this as he is in every other movie he's ever been in. I mean, come on. He's a guy that specializes in hunting and killing wolves. There's this one line that he has that goes something like, "I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds. Your teeth will be knocked in and you'll be drinking your own blood." I don't know about you, but I could listen to Liam Neeson explain things forever. In fact, there's another scene where Liam Neeson explains what death feels like to a dying man. "Look at me. Listen to my voice. You are going to feel a warm sensation overcome your body. Who do you love? Think of her." It's crazy. Every death scene in this movie is uncomfortably real and somewhat disturbing. Speaking of somewhat disturbing, there's this one part when a guy hacks off a wolf's head and triumphantly holds it in the air. Oh, did I say disturbing? I meant "really cool". Also, there were these fucking sweet shots of Liam Neeson literally being pulled out of his lovelorn dreams and tossed into the cold, harsh reality that surrounds him. It's hard to explain, but it's great. Trust me. The only problem I had with The Grey was that it felt a tad bit too long. Towards the end of the second act, our interest starts to fade and that's about when all the characters start talking about suicide and what not. It's sort of a snooze fest. But overall, I highly recommend this movie. If you like Liam Neeson, wolves, Liam Neeson fighting wolves, or snow, then go see The Grey!

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 wolf heads
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yeah, that dingus didn't even show up.