Tuesday Review: The Dictator (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
Sacha Baron Cohen, when will you stop? The Dictator isn't so much of a comedy as it is a groaner.  As I sat through this movie, I couldn't help but continuously groan as I was forced to sit through lame joke after lame joke. Women are inferior *groan* I hate Jews *groan* etc.  Now that I think about it, The Dictator is just Borat without all the funny catchphrases. All the best jokes were given away in the preview, so I felt like I was watching this movie for the fourth time instead of the first.  Unlike Cohen's previous work, he didn't mess with any real (or actors pretending to be real) people, giving the whole film a forced feel.  The Dictator also felt a lot less risque than Cohen's previous films, I wanted to get the shit offended out of me, but instead I was just bored.

Ryan's Retort:
Despite all of the fantastic promotion that this film had received prior to its release, i.e. Sacha Baron Cohen spilling "Kim Jong Il's ashes" all over Ryan Seacrest, I found myself surprisingly disappointed by its predictability and lack of creativity. Not only did they give away all of the best parts in the trailer, but most of the other ones fell flat on their face. I suspect that this has something to do with the fact that this was the first attempt at an actual movie by Cohen and company, as opposed to just dressing up as a foreigner or a gay guy and pulling some hidden camera hijinks. In fact, most of the humor in the film seems rather forced. It's as if they were trying really hard to be offensive just for the sake of offending people, and they didn't even do a very good job of that. Hopefully, the next movie that Cohen undoubtedly produces will be streets ahead of this one. Until then, avoid "The Dictator" at all costs. That is, unless you enjoy wasting your money and your time.

Overview
Rating: 2 out of 5 Jew jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Tuesday Review: Battleship

Brian's 2-Cents:
After seeing the preview a thousand times, it was killing me to know how exactly they were planning on making a movie out of a board game.  My question was finally answered as I sat through Battleship just barely keeping myself from falling asleep.  Watching Battleship is like watching an explosion compilation spliced with Navy commercials.  Although lousy with explosions, I found myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat trying to find a way to stay awake.  The biggest issue I have with the movie is the serious under-powering of the alien ships' weapons.  Here's a giant robotic craft which can travel faster than the speed of light, yet whose main weapons system is poorly aimed explosive pegs.  Sure, it kept to the board game theme, but that was about the only similarity between the game and the movie.  Overall, I was disappointed with Battleship because it was just so damn cheesy.  This is one of those movies where you just fast forward through all the talking parts because the plot is so self explanatory and non-twisty that I'm surprised they decided to pay real actors at all, 3 out of 5 spiky beards.

Ryan's Retort:
The climax of "Battleship" is literally the juxtaposition of a large black man with no legs fist-fighting a bearded alien and a group of ten grown men struggling desperately to carry one missile down a hallway. I think that pretty much sums up the tone of this movie: utterly ridiculous and way too serious for its own good. This movie makes absolutely no sense, despite its best efforts to over-explain every little detail of the laughably predictable plot. Why they felt the need to make it over two hours is beyond me, but I digress. The characters are all unlikeable (except for Liam Neeson who has literally 15 minutes of screentime), the dialogue is cheesy (not in a good way), and the aliens aren't even that cool. In fact, the only redeeming quality of "Battleship" is the special effects. The sea battles, as well as the land battles, look scarily real and so do the countless explosions. With that said, I have no intention of watching this movie ever again. 

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 spiky beards
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yep. Even though he drank two coffees beforehand.

Chan & Friends VHS Review: Mr. Nice Guy (1997)

By Jelani

Wow! Wowwee Wow Wow Zowee Jackie Chan is the coolest guy ever. This movie made every other Chan & Friends (as we at The Gun Rack call our Kung Fu VHS section) film look like a joke. Jackie Chan does most of his own stunts. The stunts in this movie were fucking nuts, and it retained its Jakie Chan brand slapstick silliness throughout. Chan is Mr. Nice Guy; a cooking show host and all around good guy. He randomly saves this hot chick from a bunch of hardcore gangsters after she gets caught filming them in the middle of a "deal." He inadvertently switches tapes with her and is immediately thrown into the middle of a two-pronged gang crusade to get the incriminating evidence back and cover their asses. There's only one problem; Jackie's little kid friend accidentally takes it. So he's forced to protect a hot redhead, a hot Asian, and a hot kinda black chick from these gangsters. He beats the shit out of them over and over all across town with a million props until they capture him. He breaks loose, saves his lady friends and completely demolishes the entire criminal empire. It was funny and action packed and I'm super impressed that Jackie Chan has done so many of these movies without being mangled beyond recognition. (C'mon, he fucking rolls over a table saw and scales a moving demolition truck!) The fight scenes are all sick, and Jackie gets to use his signature "I don't know why you're after me so I'm gonna beat you up with chairs as I run awaaay!" style of Kung Fu to awesome length. He's only the aggressor in the conflict at the very explosive end, and I wouldn't want it any other way. In my opinion, this is the quintessential Jackie Chan. It's his nicest role other than that one where he's a babysitter. Brian fell asleep and attests that "Drunken Master was way better" but that doesn't stop me from giving this fun-as-hell 90's Kung Fu romp a perfect 5 stars.

Billion Dollar Movie Review: Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Review

Watch The Trailer HERE.

Jelani's Take:
As huge fans of the comedy of Tim and Eric, of course Movie Crew had to go see their movie debut in their billion dollar movie. As it turns out though, they spent the entire movie budget on giant diamonds, extravagant personal makeovers, and a suit made entirely of diamonds. Of course, this faux-paz causes the evil Schlaaang corporation to hunt them down for the capital they invested, and leads Tim and Eric to move into the dilapidated S'wallow valley mall in order to make back the $1,000,000,000 with some hard work and enterprising. This is the premise of Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie, which was the best comedy that I have seen in a while. It had all of the weird humor that I've grown to love, and a slew of my favorite comedymen. Everyone in the movie was insane. The S'wallow valley mall, which was a hellish place on this earth, was run by a mentally damaged Will Ferrell, and tormented by the wolf in the pizza court. My favorite part, which made me laugh till' I cried at one point, was John C. Reilly's character Taquito who was raised in the mall and was a huge, very sick man-child. Everything about this movie was great. It was gross, absurd and ultimately a very-long episode of Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! The various shops within the mall served as their sillier and shorter bits, but they were all tied into the main, uh... Plot? But yeah, it was exactly the brain-frying that I had hoped it would be, and it was funny as hell. For those of you not familiar with this stuff, watch a few episodes of TEADGJ! and if you hate them, then just forget about this movie. But if you know what to expect, then I highly recommend you check it out! Ya dingus. 4 out of 5 stars for sure.

Tuesday Review: The Lorax

Watch The Trailer HERE.

Jelani's Take:
I know, I know, silly Movie Crew, this movie's for kids! But c'mon! After playing the role of Frank in Always Sunny for so long, anything starring even the voice of Danny DeVito is anything but a kid's flick. After our hearty dinner of candy and nothing else, we entered the fantastical world of Dr. Seuss on the big screen. And I must say; it was quite enjoyable! The Lorax was exactly what we had expected: it was a colorful, musical, silly and yet still morally driven PG film which was clever enough to support its own weight under audiences of all ages. The story is simple: a young man who is now only known as the Once-ler leaves his small town with dreams of being super-fucking-rich. Regardless of the ridicule he endures, he travels the world searching for the perfect material to make his extremely stupid product: "The Thneed." He stumbles upon a lush Seussian forest of trees and wildlife and proceeds to destroy it all, as the once-apprehensive masses suddenly turn and desire the fashionable tree-made thneed. The population of the world instantly forgets about the importance of nature and science and allow the world around them to be turned into a dystopian plastic-world where fresh air is bottled and sold. (A big plot device throughout the film is that the entire population is made up of idiotic consumerist whores.) This is where the lorax comes in. He is a nature-elemental or lesser god of sorts who "speaks for the trees" and has the fantastic voice of Danny DeVito. Throughout the film, he tries to make the Once-ler and the masses see the error of their ways and ultimately serves as the misguided fool's conscious. The main story is set in the past, and runs parallel to a story in the dystopian present. It all meshes together for quite an enjoyable story. Though it is ultimately a light-hearted, jocund film, it has that Dr. Seuss feel of deep morals that are seen in all of his books. Being said, this is the perfect adaptation of a Dr. Deuss book, and was great to behold. The characters were lovable, the humor was light, but still rude enough at times to tickle us adults, and the story was  solid. By no means was it a mind-blowingly great film, but it served its purpose as a fun movie-going experience. For a light-hearted romp through the mind of Dr. Seuss, The Lorax gets a very solid 3 stars, as I liked it, but would probably never see it again.

Casa de mi Padre (2012)

by Ryan

I'll be the first to admit that initially I was pretty hesitant to pay for this movie. The trailers didn't do a very good job of showing what the movie was about or even what genre it was. Honestly, I had a little trouble figuring out whether this was supposed to be a serious movie or not. Granted, Will Ferrell starring in an all-Spanish movie is a pretty hilarious concept. But I digress. "Casa de mi Padre" is one of the weirdest movie experiences I have ever had in my entire life. The movie opens with an English voiceover, stating something along the lines of "If it sounds like a Spanish movie, maybe it is a Spanish movie." Then, as soon as Will Ferrell opened his mouth and fluent Spanish came out, I died. It's fucking great. The best part is that he actually does a pretty terrific job of acting in a language that he does not understand at all. In fact, Ferrell has stated publicly that he had to remember all of his lines phonetically before shooting every scene. He is truly an amazing man. The film itself is about a dim-witted and cowardly rancher, Armando Alvarez, who must find it within himself to become a man in order to save his family's name and the woman that he loves (who also happens to be his brother's fiance) from a mean-spirited drug overlord. It's a very generic, soap opera-y love triangle story made hilarious by the simple fact that Will Ferrell is speaking Spanish. In addition to that, there are a ton of visual gags and awkwardly long jokes that will have you keeled over with laughter. For example, there's an ongoing visual gag which exaggerates the low-budget quality of the film, i.e. cheaply made animal puppets and lots of jump cuts. One cheaply made animal puppet in particular, a white mountain lion, stole the show for me. This white mountain lion actually becomes a prominent character in the movie, calling himself the spirit of the mountain and sounding somewhat like a large black man. And if that doesn't do it for you, there are also a handful of musical numbers! One song is called "Yo No Se (I Don't Know)" and it's about Will Ferrell being a rancher and not knowing anything. Another song is called "La" and it's literally just Will Ferrell and the girl singing "La La La La La" for like three minutes. Unfortunately, there are parts of "Casa de mi Padre" that tend to drag on for longer than they should making the latter half of the movie feel somewhat tedious. But those scenes are more than made up for by the awesome last stand between Armando, his brother, and the drug overlord. Also, every scene that Nick Offerman is in is great too. Overall, this movie kept me entertained and happy for most of its hour and a half runtime. If you like to laugh at weird, vaguely Spanish things, then go see this movie!

Rating: 4 out of 5 poorly rolled cigarettes

Tuesday Review: John Carter

Watch The Trailer HERE


Jelani's Take:
John Carter kind of sprung up out of nowhere for me. My nerdiness apparently has giant gaps in it, for I have never heard of this heroic protagonist before. For those of you still in the dark as I was, John Carter is a pretty popular character created by sci-fi writer Edgar Rice Burroughs. As such, John Carter has seen his fair share of publicity in various mediums throughout the years. Still though, I went into this movie not knowing a single thing about it other than that there was some guy named John Carter who would fight giant ape monster things. And that he did! From start to finish, this Disney epic was a wonder to behold. Everything about the film screamed Disney and it felt like a live action iteration of the animated films that we have all loved for years. That being said, Disney sure has been around the block a few times. Regardless of its PG-13 rating, it oozed sex and violence throughout. Even though the blood was blue, it was plentiful and the action scenes are what made this movie so damned cool. But before I digress, let me give you the lowdown. John Carter, a loner and a jaded confederate Virginia calvaryman who is inexplicably transported to Mars after coming into contact with a higher-level being (who turns out to be a group of serious douchebags, and the main conflict in the movie, but whatever you'll see.) wielding a mysterious amulet. On Mars, Carter is super strong and can jump super high. These powers and more are bestowed unto him by the great god Odin who lives on Mars fighting Sutur for territory for all eternity. Or as Brian explained it, there's some magical gravitational anomalies in the science structure of Mars. Just kidding. Aaaaanyway, he immediately comes into contact with the native aliens, the Tharks and is taken in by their leader. As it turns out, Mars is on the brink of total chaos, as the battle-torn planet is being ravaged by two warring factions. John Carter, thrown into the middle of this mess becomes an epic hero and winds up leading the Tharks against the hidden growing threat that is causing the conflict. I know that that's probably the worst synopsis ever, but it's actually a pretty great and absorbing story. Mars itself looks spectacular, and the architecture and vehicle designs are all beautiful to behold. The characters are all sexy and stylish in their half-attire, and the beasts of the planet are all awesome-looking to say the least. There are some great twists and tragic moments, and a hell of a character development in the protagonist throughout. My only qualm is that the boring scenes are long... And boring. I actually found myself nodding off for a couple of the scenes involving the conflicts of the space princess Dejah Thoris (which, actually drove a lot of the plot) or the deep love/lust eye rape scenes between her and Carter. I missed a couple of important plot moments while snoozing, but Ryan kept me up enough to catch 90% of this otherwise amazing movie. Disney never really disappoints, do they? For wide-screen action and a hell of a fun movie experience, JCoM gets a solid 4 stars. I'd see it again, and I highly recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
This movie got such a bad rap opening weekend and I have no idea why. Andrew Stanton, best known for directing "WALL-E" and "Finding Nemo," does a terrific job with his first live action feature film. There's not much that I can say that Jelani hasn't already covered. But I will shadow what he said about the boring scenes being boring. The majority of the film is thrilling and interesting, but when it comes down to the romance between John Carter and Princess Whats-Her-Face we just don't care. And the reason we don't care is because their relationship is extremely underdeveloped. The only reason they're drawn to each other in the first place is because they both wanna bang. Which is totally understandable, just don't try to mask that emotion as "love" when these two characters barely even know each other. While I'm on the topic of underdevelopment, John Carter's character is tad underdeveloped as well. It's never really made clear what he wants until the very end of the movie. Typically, a protagonist needs to have a clear set goal and then embarks on a path to achieve said goal. John Carter's goal, or lack thereof, is constantly changing and never truly defined. Which would account for the really boring scenes towards the end of the second act. However, the action and sci-fi mythos does more than make up for this small hiccup in an otherwise fantastic movie. Also, Willem Dafoe has a really cool alien voice.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 giant ape monster things
Did Jelani Fall Alseep: A little bit.