Casa de mi Padre (2012)

by Ryan

I'll be the first to admit that initially I was pretty hesitant to pay for this movie. The trailers didn't do a very good job of showing what the movie was about or even what genre it was. Honestly, I had a little trouble figuring out whether this was supposed to be a serious movie or not. Granted, Will Ferrell starring in an all-Spanish movie is a pretty hilarious concept. But I digress. "Casa de mi Padre" is one of the weirdest movie experiences I have ever had in my entire life. The movie opens with an English voiceover, stating something along the lines of "If it sounds like a Spanish movie, maybe it is a Spanish movie." Then, as soon as Will Ferrell opened his mouth and fluent Spanish came out, I died. It's fucking great. The best part is that he actually does a pretty terrific job of acting in a language that he does not understand at all. In fact, Ferrell has stated publicly that he had to remember all of his lines phonetically before shooting every scene. He is truly an amazing man. The film itself is about a dim-witted and cowardly rancher, Armando Alvarez, who must find it within himself to become a man in order to save his family's name and the woman that he loves (who also happens to be his brother's fiance) from a mean-spirited drug overlord. It's a very generic, soap opera-y love triangle story made hilarious by the simple fact that Will Ferrell is speaking Spanish. In addition to that, there are a ton of visual gags and awkwardly long jokes that will have you keeled over with laughter. For example, there's an ongoing visual gag which exaggerates the low-budget quality of the film, i.e. cheaply made animal puppets and lots of jump cuts. One cheaply made animal puppet in particular, a white mountain lion, stole the show for me. This white mountain lion actually becomes a prominent character in the movie, calling himself the spirit of the mountain and sounding somewhat like a large black man. And if that doesn't do it for you, there are also a handful of musical numbers! One song is called "Yo No Se (I Don't Know)" and it's about Will Ferrell being a rancher and not knowing anything. Another song is called "La" and it's literally just Will Ferrell and the girl singing "La La La La La" for like three minutes. Unfortunately, there are parts of "Casa de mi Padre" that tend to drag on for longer than they should making the latter half of the movie feel somewhat tedious. But those scenes are more than made up for by the awesome last stand between Armando, his brother, and the drug overlord. Also, every scene that Nick Offerman is in is great too. Overall, this movie kept me entertained and happy for most of its hour and a half runtime. If you like to laugh at weird, vaguely Spanish things, then go see this movie!

Rating: 4 out of 5 poorly rolled cigarettes

Tuesday Review: John Carter

Watch The Trailer HERE


Jelani's Take:
John Carter kind of sprung up out of nowhere for me. My nerdiness apparently has giant gaps in it, for I have never heard of this heroic protagonist before. For those of you still in the dark as I was, John Carter is a pretty popular character created by sci-fi writer Edgar Rice Burroughs. As such, John Carter has seen his fair share of publicity in various mediums throughout the years. Still though, I went into this movie not knowing a single thing about it other than that there was some guy named John Carter who would fight giant ape monster things. And that he did! From start to finish, this Disney epic was a wonder to behold. Everything about the film screamed Disney and it felt like a live action iteration of the animated films that we have all loved for years. That being said, Disney sure has been around the block a few times. Regardless of its PG-13 rating, it oozed sex and violence throughout. Even though the blood was blue, it was plentiful and the action scenes are what made this movie so damned cool. But before I digress, let me give you the lowdown. John Carter, a loner and a jaded confederate Virginia calvaryman who is inexplicably transported to Mars after coming into contact with a higher-level being (who turns out to be a group of serious douchebags, and the main conflict in the movie, but whatever you'll see.) wielding a mysterious amulet. On Mars, Carter is super strong and can jump super high. These powers and more are bestowed unto him by the great god Odin who lives on Mars fighting Sutur for territory for all eternity. Or as Brian explained it, there's some magical gravitational anomalies in the science structure of Mars. Just kidding. Aaaaanyway, he immediately comes into contact with the native aliens, the Tharks and is taken in by their leader. As it turns out, Mars is on the brink of total chaos, as the battle-torn planet is being ravaged by two warring factions. John Carter, thrown into the middle of this mess becomes an epic hero and winds up leading the Tharks against the hidden growing threat that is causing the conflict. I know that that's probably the worst synopsis ever, but it's actually a pretty great and absorbing story. Mars itself looks spectacular, and the architecture and vehicle designs are all beautiful to behold. The characters are all sexy and stylish in their half-attire, and the beasts of the planet are all awesome-looking to say the least. There are some great twists and tragic moments, and a hell of a character development in the protagonist throughout. My only qualm is that the boring scenes are long... And boring. I actually found myself nodding off for a couple of the scenes involving the conflicts of the space princess Dejah Thoris (which, actually drove a lot of the plot) or the deep love/lust eye rape scenes between her and Carter. I missed a couple of important plot moments while snoozing, but Ryan kept me up enough to catch 90% of this otherwise amazing movie. Disney never really disappoints, do they? For wide-screen action and a hell of a fun movie experience, JCoM gets a solid 4 stars. I'd see it again, and I highly recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
This movie got such a bad rap opening weekend and I have no idea why. Andrew Stanton, best known for directing "WALL-E" and "Finding Nemo," does a terrific job with his first live action feature film. There's not much that I can say that Jelani hasn't already covered. But I will shadow what he said about the boring scenes being boring. The majority of the film is thrilling and interesting, but when it comes down to the romance between John Carter and Princess Whats-Her-Face we just don't care. And the reason we don't care is because their relationship is extremely underdeveloped. The only reason they're drawn to each other in the first place is because they both wanna bang. Which is totally understandable, just don't try to mask that emotion as "love" when these two characters barely even know each other. While I'm on the topic of underdevelopment, John Carter's character is tad underdeveloped as well. It's never really made clear what he wants until the very end of the movie. Typically, a protagonist needs to have a clear set goal and then embarks on a path to achieve said goal. John Carter's goal, or lack thereof, is constantly changing and never truly defined. Which would account for the really boring scenes towards the end of the second act. However, the action and sci-fi mythos does more than make up for this small hiccup in an otherwise fantastic movie. Also, Willem Dafoe has a really cool alien voice.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 giant ape monster things
Did Jelani Fall Alseep: A little bit.

$3 DVD Special - Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

by Ryan

Doesn't this movie look and sound awesome? The description on IMDB is, and I quote, "A family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo." Devil-worshipping cult, huh? What's not to like? Well, as it turns out, plenty. "Manos: The Hands of Fate" is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. Or at least in my entire life in recent memory. None of the things said on the poster happen in the movie. In fact, there isn't even any devil-worshipping. Master, as he is so aptly named, worships a different, unknown deity named Manos. It's never made clear who Manos is or what he represents, and therefore I don't give two shits about him. There is no real plot or reason for anything that happens in this movie. A couple goes on vacation and is forced to stay the night at this house. That's it. Meanwhile, there's another couple that the movie keeps cutting to that is continuously making out in places that they shouldn't be making out, forcing this super easy-going police officer to shoo them away. It's never explained who they are or why they love making out so much. The main couple, Margaret and Michael, soon discover that the house that they're staying in is owned by this weird guy and his servant, who is an even weirder guy. Also, in the basement there's like ten unconscious women just standing there for some reason. Apparently, they're the Master's wives but that's all that's ever really said about them. Eventually things start to happen and Margaret and Michael try to run away from those things but cannot. You know how the story goes. There is nothing enjoyable about this movie. It's horribly bad, but not even in a so-bad-it's-funny kind of way. There are no sacrifices, no boobs, no blood, and not one single murder. How do you make a fucking horror movie without any of those things?! The closest this movie comes to murdering someone is when the Master's wives begin to shake this one guy a lot. THEY SHAKE HIM. They don't even fucking strangle him! I'm angry just thinking about it. In conclusion, "Manos: The Hands of Fate" isn't worth the 69 minute runtime and certainly is not worth the $3 that I paid for it. If you're going to watch this movie, do yourself a favor and watch the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version instead.


Rating: 1 out of 5 Torgos