Tuesday Review: Men in Black 3 (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
After a few crappy Tuesdays in a row, Men in Black 3 was a real relief.  Funny and awesome to look at, MIB3 is the perfect combination of sci-fi and comedy.  Will Smith is his classic old self, the old guy is cranky, and the young guy playing the old guy has a hilariously dry sense of humor which is the perfect foil to Agent J's (Smith's character) cheerful friendly blackness (not sure how else to explain it.) In the movie, Agents J and K travel through spacetime to kill awesome looking aliens with their big disruptors (spaceguns.) The main bad guy is Boris the Animal who is incredibly brutal and can shoot spikes out of his hands, among other badass alien abilities.  MIB3 is super fast paced and interesting, the time travel made sense and avoided most paradoxes, and the action jam-packed with explosions, car/motorcycle/unicycle chases and multi-colored alien blood being splattered hither and thither.  For being the third movie in a series, MIB3 really pulls it off, 4/5.

Ryan's Retort:
Although "Men In Black 3" is clearly not a good movie, it is extremely fun and enjoyable to watch, which a lot more than can be said about most movies that come out nowadays. The dialogue is a bit cheesy and the cinematography is unimaginative and simple, but that surprisingly doesn't hold the film back in any way. In fact, it embraces those aspects and makes you appreciate them whether you want to or not. This is only aided by the fantastic performances of Will Smith, Josh Brolin, and even Tommy Lee Jones, who clearly did not even care to be in the film. However, the best performance comes from none other than Jemaine Clement, the glasses half of the comedy duo Flight of the Conchords, who plays the awesome new villain Boris the Animal. Clement, who is known for his comedy prowess, does a fantastic job of being both threatening and likable at the same time. The ending, which doesn't really make sense if you think about it long enough, puts a neat little bow on the trilogy while not wrapping things up completely, paving the way for yet another sequel if need be. And while I personally would have no problem with a fourth Men In Black movie, I think that both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have had quite enough of this series by now. I mean, Will Smith didn't even make a rap for this one! What the shit is that? Fuck Pitbull.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 young guys playing old guys
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No way!

Billion Dollar Movie Review: Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Review

Watch The Trailer HERE.

Jelani's Take:
As huge fans of the comedy of Tim and Eric, of course Movie Crew had to go see their movie debut in their billion dollar movie. As it turns out though, they spent the entire movie budget on giant diamonds, extravagant personal makeovers, and a suit made entirely of diamonds. Of course, this faux-paz causes the evil Schlaaang corporation to hunt them down for the capital they invested, and leads Tim and Eric to move into the dilapidated S'wallow valley mall in order to make back the $1,000,000,000 with some hard work and enterprising. This is the premise of Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie, which was the best comedy that I have seen in a while. It had all of the weird humor that I've grown to love, and a slew of my favorite comedymen. Everyone in the movie was insane. The S'wallow valley mall, which was a hellish place on this earth, was run by a mentally damaged Will Ferrell, and tormented by the wolf in the pizza court. My favorite part, which made me laugh till' I cried at one point, was John C. Reilly's character Taquito who was raised in the mall and was a huge, very sick man-child. Everything about this movie was great. It was gross, absurd and ultimately a very-long episode of Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! The various shops within the mall served as their sillier and shorter bits, but they were all tied into the main, uh... Plot? But yeah, it was exactly the brain-frying that I had hoped it would be, and it was funny as hell. For those of you not familiar with this stuff, watch a few episodes of TEADGJ! and if you hate them, then just forget about this movie. But if you know what to expect, then I highly recommend you check it out! Ya dingus. 4 out of 5 stars for sure.

Casa de mi Padre (2012)

by Ryan

I'll be the first to admit that initially I was pretty hesitant to pay for this movie. The trailers didn't do a very good job of showing what the movie was about or even what genre it was. Honestly, I had a little trouble figuring out whether this was supposed to be a serious movie or not. Granted, Will Ferrell starring in an all-Spanish movie is a pretty hilarious concept. But I digress. "Casa de mi Padre" is one of the weirdest movie experiences I have ever had in my entire life. The movie opens with an English voiceover, stating something along the lines of "If it sounds like a Spanish movie, maybe it is a Spanish movie." Then, as soon as Will Ferrell opened his mouth and fluent Spanish came out, I died. It's fucking great. The best part is that he actually does a pretty terrific job of acting in a language that he does not understand at all. In fact, Ferrell has stated publicly that he had to remember all of his lines phonetically before shooting every scene. He is truly an amazing man. The film itself is about a dim-witted and cowardly rancher, Armando Alvarez, who must find it within himself to become a man in order to save his family's name and the woman that he loves (who also happens to be his brother's fiance) from a mean-spirited drug overlord. It's a very generic, soap opera-y love triangle story made hilarious by the simple fact that Will Ferrell is speaking Spanish. In addition to that, there are a ton of visual gags and awkwardly long jokes that will have you keeled over with laughter. For example, there's an ongoing visual gag which exaggerates the low-budget quality of the film, i.e. cheaply made animal puppets and lots of jump cuts. One cheaply made animal puppet in particular, a white mountain lion, stole the show for me. This white mountain lion actually becomes a prominent character in the movie, calling himself the spirit of the mountain and sounding somewhat like a large black man. And if that doesn't do it for you, there are also a handful of musical numbers! One song is called "Yo No Se (I Don't Know)" and it's about Will Ferrell being a rancher and not knowing anything. Another song is called "La" and it's literally just Will Ferrell and the girl singing "La La La La La" for like three minutes. Unfortunately, there are parts of "Casa de mi Padre" that tend to drag on for longer than they should making the latter half of the movie feel somewhat tedious. But those scenes are more than made up for by the awesome last stand between Armando, his brother, and the drug overlord. Also, every scene that Nick Offerman is in is great too. Overall, this movie kept me entertained and happy for most of its hour and a half runtime. If you like to laugh at weird, vaguely Spanish things, then go see this movie!

Rating: 4 out of 5 poorly rolled cigarettes

Tuesday Review: Chronicle (2012)

Brian's Two-Cents:
Chronicle is about 3 teens from the local high school who mysteriously inherit telekinetic powers after dicking around near some kind of extraterrestrial (or maybe extra-planar) pointy thing.  The three affected kids are a popular kid, a not so popular kid, and a social leper.  The students overcome their status differences to hone their new-found powers, which, along with their friendship, get exponentially stronger over time.  Chronicle is interestingly filmed, in that all the shots are from the different characters personal cameras.  As the boys' powers increase to almost god-like levels, they face internal conflicts that end up in awesome telekinetic battles.  This movie really got creative with all the cool shit you can do with telekinetic powers, like flying and ripping people teeth out of their skulls.  With all the crappy and cliche sci-fi movies coming out these days, Chronicle is a pleasant deviation from the norm, 4/5.


Ryan's Retort:
What do you get when you take the best aspects of the found footage genre and the best aspects of the superhero genre, lock them in a room, and force them to have sex with each other? Answer: this movie. Chronicle is without a doubt the best superhero film of the year so far. I'm sure that Avengers will be way better, but that's besides the point. What I found most interesting about Chronicle is the brilliant way they incorporated the cameraman into the film, making him a unique and likable character who eventually gains the ability to move the camera around with his mind. This allows for some pretty awesome camera tricks, whilst simultaneously staying true to the found footage parameters. However, there were some downsides to the film. For instance, that whole cutesy videographer girl storyline is completely unnecessary and uninteresting. I have a sneaking suspicion that they just needed to have another camera-wielding character in the movie. Also, the main character tends to come off as a whiny little bitch a little too often for my taste. But when that whiny little bitch finally turns into an evil whiny little bitch, shit gets fucking serious.

Jelani Agrees:
I agree.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 floating cameras
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Fuck no.

VHS Review: American Gothic (1988)

By Brian
4/5

American Gothic is great horror/ slasher movie about a bunch of youths who get stumble upon a conservative Christian family on a remote island.  The youths renounce their evil ways and become devout Christians who go to church and drink Jesus' blood and all that weird stuff Christians do.  Nope, just kidding, the crazy family is made up of Ma, Pa, and their three adult children who have been brain washed to believe they're still little kids, and the five of them attempt murder the sinners.  The first part of the movie is very Texas Chainsaw Masacre-esqe in that its about a murderous backwoods family, but unlike every other horror movie where a single chick barely escapes only to tell the tale, the survivor decides to take revenge by out-crazying the crazies and mercilessly killing the entire family.  Had to ruin the plot a little bit, but only in order to make the point that American Gothic is basically two horror movies in one.  If you were to only watch the second half, the film would be about a serial killer who murders two elderly parents taking care of their mentally disabled children.  American Gothic has good murders but no tits.  The creepiest part is when one of the adult children coddles a decomposed baby corpse, which she calls her child.  Watching adults talk in baby voices was a little obnoxious, but I was so pleasantly surprised by the way the survivor out-crazies the crazies, that I let it slide.  American Gothic is makes up for being not super brutal with its pure creepiness, 4 decomposing baby corpses out of 5. 

VHS Review: Hatchet for the Honeymoon (1970)

By Brian
4/5

Hatchet for the Honeymoon should have been called "Meat Cleaver for the Honeymoon", because there are no actual hatchets in the movie.  The film is about a rich and handsome fashion designer of wedding dresses, who kills babes in order to find out what happened to his murdered mother when he was a youth.  All John (the main character) wants to do is bang and murder hot chicks, but his bitch wife keeps bothering him.   An interesting twist to this film is the ghost wife aspect.  After John kills his bitch wife, she reverse haunts him, that is, everyone can see her ghost except John.  I had never seen a reverse haunting in a movie before, and it added a fantastical aspect to the movie which kept it interesting and separated it from your ever day thriller/slasher.  Although slow at times, the characters and plot in this film were unique and original.  The murders were not that brutal, but ever time John kills a nice broad, a little more of the mystery is unraveled.  When the big reveal happened, I have to say I was actually surprised.  Hatchet for the Honeymoon is a solid thriller, full of twists, turns, and complainey wives that wont even leave you alone after they've died, 4/5.

Tuesday Double Feature Review Part Deux: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Watch the trailer here


Jelani's Take:
Having not read the highly acclaimed book, I didn't know what to expect with this one. The trailer didn't explain anything at all, and I was a bit apprehensive about even seeing this movie at all. Now that I have experienced the lurid head-trip that is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, I will never again write off a film before I see it. This one was epic. The story revolves around Daniel Craig whose career is fucked, and who just can't catch a break as he is locked in a legal battle in which the odds ore stacked well against him. He is chosen, with the help of some sleuthing by Lisbeth, (AKA The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo) to investigate a cold case; the ancient 40 year old murder of this old guy's neice. He offers in return, some dirt on the douchebag that is running Mikael (Danny Craig) through the mud in court. Of course he accepts! But this is just the surface of this deeply engrossing film. As it turns out, Lisbeth, a young computer hacker, is having a hard time as well. She is a ward of the state, and is dealing with the most deranged and creepy social worker ever for allowance and limited freedoms. From the get go, it is hinted that Lisbeth is a total badass. Throughout the film, it is firmly asserted that she is indeed the coolest female character ever. She is tactful, ruthless, and brilliant, and her emo/punk rock look throws off everyone as to how deep her skill sets go. She saves Mikael's ass throughout the film, once she teams up with him to investigate what turns out to be a terribly fucked up family. The entire film is merely a backdrop to the life of the tattooed Lisbeth (hence the name.) She exploits every shred of the bleak situations around her and ultimately comes out on top all by her lonesome. The movie was a thriller all around. It was a thoughtful, sexy, disturbing and uniquely imagined tale of suffering and triumph in this fucked up world that we all live in. The entire cast was fantastic, and the scenery, solitary and empty as most of it was, added tension to every scene throughout. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was a great film! I would definitely see it again, although now I will probably never read the book. For telling one hell of a convoluted story with such tact, this one gets a perfect 5 out of 5 from me.

Brian: I think Jelani summed this one up pretty well, but I wouldn't call this a perfect movie, so I give it 4/5.

VHS Review: The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit (1998)

By Brian
4/5
Silly as fuck, The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit is about 5 hilariously stereotypical Latinos who each chip down 20 bucks to get a this brand new white "Ice Cream" colored suit.  Four of the men are regular hard working stiffs, but the fifth is a really really dirty homeless dude, who everyone knows is destined to ruin the suit for everyone else.  In the film, each man gets two hours to wear the suit.  The suit is fucking magical and glows and when you wear it, people around you start singing, and bitches fall all over you.  Is my favorite actor Clifton Collins Jr. in it?  Yeah he is!  Also, it's written by sci-fi master, Ray Bradbury!  This movie was really funny because all the actors talked like Cholos, and call each other taco eaters and stuff.  I know Blacksploitation, but Hispanicsplotation? that's some whole other shit.

Special Recommendation Review: Chillerama (2011) by Ryan

It's been a while since I've seen a really good, low-budget, cheese fest of a horror movie. Chillerama came highly recommended to me by my friend Mike, who stumbled upon it at the movie theater in which he is currently employed. So naturally, once I found it on Netflix I watched the shit out of it. Like George A. Romero's Creepshow and Michael Dougherty's Trick r' Treat, this movie is a compilation of shorts tied together by one overarching story. The main plot of Chillerama revolves around the last drive-in theater in America. The proprietor of said drive-in, that one old dude from Office Space, decides to screen the ultimate compilation of lost horror film prints for one last hurrah. These films include the likes of Wadzilla, I Was A Teenage Werebear, Deathication, and my personal favorite, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. Each of these shorts were directed by a different person, yet they all share a similar sense of humor and tone. Wadzilla is about this guy that has an abnormally low sperm count, which leads him to take this experimental medication that ultimately causes his one sperm cell to grow to monstrous proportions and wreak havoc on the entire city. I Was A Teenage Werebear is a pseudo-musical about a boy that falls in love with the mysterious leader of this rebellious homosexual gang and the repercussions that he faces for getting close to them. The Diary of Anne Frankenstein tells the tale of Adolf Hitler's discovery of the fabled Frankenstein diary and his subsequent creation of a large Jewish monster pieced together from dead Jews. And Deathication is a poop pun. Meanwhile in the main story, the patrons of the drive-in are all slowly turning into mindless sex zombies because of this blue goo secreted by this one dude that tried to get a blowjob from a corpse in the beginning of the film. Clearly, this movie is awesome. It's always a real treat when the cheesy B-movie that you're watching is aware of how cheesy it is and embraces that cheesiness to its full potential. The only thing that bothered me about this movie was its ending. After all of the sex zombie madness is said and done, we join four middle-aged men watching the movie in a crowded theater. These four men, the directors of the films in the movie, do not add anything to the film and are completely unnecessary. My guess is that they just wanted some screen time. Also, there's a point towards the end of the film when everyone just starts saying really famous movie quotes for some reason. It was kinda funny at first, but after a while it just gets annoying. It makes me think that they were at a loss for their own clever one-liners and so they decided to borrow some pre-existing ones. But other than those few minor issues, I can honestly say that I really enjoyed Chillerama. If you're looking for a good, mildly scary, funny, and kind of disgusting movie to watch, then Chillerama is the movie for you!

Rating: 4 out of 5 mindless sex zombies

VHS Review: "The Black Cat" (1934)

by Brian
4 pajama suits out of 5

This classic horror film harkens from a simpler time, when people were classier, and movie soundtracks didn't include hip-hop.  The Black Cat is about two young lovers who find themselves trapped in a struggle between good and evil.  When their hilariously old timey bus flips over, the young couple, along with a mysterious dark stranger and his servant, find themselves in the house of a super creepy looking satanist who built his house on the site of a bloody World War One battle just because he's THAT brutal.  This movie was certainly a classic, the characters are deep and interesting, and there's plot twists every five minute.  Every dude in The Black Cat wears suits everywhere and fights old timey style...by wrestling and trying to dramatically strangle each other with their bare hands.  One comical aspect relating to when this film was made is how all the chicks in the movie keep screaming and fainting whenever something scary happens.  More funny still is how one of the main characters, Dr. Vitus Werdegast, a big, brooding, not-taking-nothing-from-nobody dude has a "Intense and absolute all consuming horror....of cats!" Werdegast looses his shit every time he sees a little kitty cat, and hes always breaking stuff in his fits of terror.  I enjoyed this movie because even though it is super old, its totally about Satan and the supernatural, which must have been pretty controversial at the time.

Tuesday Review: Immortals (2011)

Poseidon was the coolest

Watch the Trailer here:
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2905447705/

Brian's 2-cents:
After we all agreed Tuesday is the best night of the week, the Movie Crew went to the fancy shmancy Zigfield theater, thus completing the trifecta of NYC Clearview cinemas. Immortals is the much anticipated movie made by the same dudes who did 300.  The movie is about a man named Theseus, who is trained by Zeus to be one badass fighting machine.  When King Hyperion, played by the scratchy voiced Mickey Rourke shows up and kills his mom, Theseus vows revenge.  Rourke's character is trying to find a magical bow so he can release the titans.  I'm going to let my fellow Crew members elaborate further and just go on to telling you the highs and lows.  The action was in true 300 style, with jacked dudes (and one lady) decapitating, impaling, bifricating and generally spilling blood all over ancient (Greece).  The most original concept in this film was how the gods fought with super human speed and did like 30d6 + 50  damage (that's a lot for you who don't play D&D) with every blow.  During the first divine intervention, Apollo comes down from Olympus and literally explodes all these soldiers' heads off (while using his super-speed) with his awesome hammer.  What took away from this film was the story.  I just didn't care about Theseus like how I did for Leonidus in 300.  Also, instead of colossal titans from the actual myths, each with different personalities and abilities, the titans in Immortals were human sized and all identical, and they didn't even talk or use magic.  This was an action packed and extremely visually stimulating movie, but in the end, I felt like I wanted a little bit more epicness.

Jelani's Take:
In this giant-sized spectacular edition of Movie Crew Tuesday, we saw an epic movie on an epic screen at the Zigfeld. Now, usually, I am a bit reluctant to see movies in 3D, seeing as any fast-paced scenes are totally lost in the blurry sea of shadows that the screen spews out at me. For the first time though, 3D really and truly worked wonders. The signature slow-motion, highly polished approach that has become synonymous with the director (Tarsem Singh) looks gorgeous in 3D, and the ancient Greek setting allowed for some stunning panoramic views throughout. Everything in this movie was BIG. Every shot was a widescreen painting, and the larger-than-life concepts at play felt right at home within this setting. What really got me from the beginning was the fight choreography. From the first flash of the blade, every battle sequence played out like a brutal ballet. Especially in the battle scenes towards the end, the large battle scenes flowed with a great balance finesse and action. The story was simple enough, and needed little reinforcement: Zeus raises this orphan because he thinks that he is cool. It is up to this guy, Theseus to take down this really brutal conqueror who is trying to Ghengis Khan the shit out of the world. The gods don't like this douche, but can't interfere in the goings on of man. Blah, blah blah. What got me was that these gods, although they possessed some pretty cool feats, were pretty toned down. They were just really jacked dudes. I was expecting some higher-level godly stuff, like, at least turn giant or something. Or command the elements, or something. Poseidon was by far the most badass, as he took out the most dudes and used his godly powers the most. Other than the not-so-great gods, this movie had it all. The whole 300 thing happened again, except there were gods involved. End. I'm happy. The pleasure of viewing such a meticulously crafted piece of motion art is worth the price of admission, as this guy knows his way around a fucking green-screen. If you liked 300 and Watchmen, you're in for a real treat with Immortals. For widescreen brutal beauty, 300 Part Deux gets 4 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
Immortals was everything that I've come to expect from a big budget blockbuster based on a Greek myth. It had action, romance, suspense, slow motion decapitations, and a lot of really silly hats. I mean, the minotaur wasn't even a minotaur. Just a big dude wearing a bull's head mask made out of barbed wire. Which was cool, but nowhere near as cool as an actual minotaur would have been. The same can be said for all of the mythological entities depicted in this movie. When you think of deities such as Zeus and Poseidon, I'm sure you picture big, burly men with huge beards and long, flowing robes. However, in Immortals they look like this:

That's Poseidon. Look at how fucking silly his hat is! Every single one of the Greek gods is played by an overly attractive young actor wearing close to nothing, much like the gentleman pictured above. Which doesn't make much sense to me, but whatever. It's fine. I can look past it. But what I can't look past is how Theseus, the main character, does absolutely nothing throughout the entire movie. From a screenwriter's standpoint, I know for a fact that that is the reason why this story does not work. Your main character needs to have a goal, a purpose of existence. And they need to make decisions that will ultimately effect whether or not they achieve that goal. In this movie, Theseus' goal is to exact his vengeance upon Mickey Rourke. Which then somehow transforms into finding the magical Epirus bow that shoots these awesome light arrows. Which then somehow transforms into making sure that the Titans don't get released from their prison box, located in the secret basement of this one mountain. As you can see, things get a little muddled. And to top it all off, Theseus never makes one decision on his own. Besides wanting to brutally murder Mickey Rourke of course. Every time an obstacle is put in Theseus' way, one of those overly attractive young Gods comes crashing down to Earth to save him. There is nothing about Theseus that I find interesting or likable at all. "Oh, but he's a good fighter and he loves his mom." So fucking what? I know lots of people that are good fighters who also love their moms and I don't see them starring in any movies. Be that as it may, I did honestly enjoy watching Immortals. There's this one part when this dude gets his penis crushed by a huge mallet wielding cow-man. How could you not love that? Also, blood splattering all over the place in slow motion AND in 3D? Yes. Immortals may not be a "good" movie, but it is fucking awesome to look at.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 silly hats
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Download Special: Castle Freak (1995)

by Brian

Jailbait and I just can't wait

Ryan recommended this movie to me because he knows how Lovecraft crazy I am .  Castle Freak is a lowish budget horror film about (surprise!) a horrible hideous freak who gets loose in a castle after years of torture and neglect.  The setting of this film is a huge Italian castle where it is always raining, but I doubt they actually filmed in one because they only show like four different rooms.  The film follows the worst dad ever and his family who inherit a castle after the old duchess dies off.  The family is haunted by the memory of a car accident which killed their five year old son and blinded their jail bait daughter.  The accident is of course the result of the fathers drinking problem, which of course reemerges in the movie and causes even more hardship.  This movie gets good when the freak gets loose (after biting his own thumb off) and proceeds to bite titties off and reduce people to mush with the chains he's always jangling around.  The most disturbing part of the freak was his grotesque shriveled balls which he kept waving around at everyone.  Castle Freak is a solid horror film with a smooth flowing plot, perfectly grotesque murder scenes, and laughably horrible parenting skills.

Rating: 4/5 shriveled monster ball sacks

Into the Abyss: A Tale of Death, A Tale of Life Review by Ryan

In Herzog's latest documentary, we delve deep into the concepts of life and death through the eyes of a small town in Texas. Into the Abyss tells the tale of two asshole kids, that kill 3 innocent people in order to steal a new car, and the effects that their horrible crime has on the community. Like all of Herzog's films, Into the Abyss is really smart and really slow. And really easy on the eyes. By that I mean that it looks fucking beautiful. Also, Herzog's narration is super witty as per usual. One thing I want to know is how Herzog decides what he's going to make a documentary about. It's always something oddly specific and seemingly random. Like that one about that midget town. This was a genuinely interesting documentary with an approachable yet brutal topic, and I'm not just saying that because I love watching documentaries about murder. Or maybe I am. The two main ballsacks in this movie remind me just how lucky I am to have been born of two loving, intelligent parents and in a major city. Both Michael Perry and Jason Burkett are terrible people that are made even more terrible by the fact that they don't realize just how terrible they are. Terrible. One thing that I don't understand, and never have, is how these fuckbags can turn to religion and think that they're still getting into Heaven even though they've committed one of the worst sins on the list. I mean, murder is pretty high up there, if not the highest, on the list of things that you can't do if you want to get in. It's either murder or rape. But anyway, this movie is also great for dads! I saw it with my dad and we both thoroughly enjoyed it and made fun of the stupid people in it afterwards. So if you can't find anyone to see it with, have your pops take you. Dads love Herzog!

Rating: 4 out of 5 lethal injections

Tuesday Review: The Skin I live In (La piel que habito)

Brian's 2-cents:
The Skin I Live In is a tragic tale of revenge, starring Antonio Banderas playing Robert Ledgard, a rich and talented plastic surgeon.  Robert is haunted by the memory of his wife running away with his degenerate half brother, only for his brother to leave her burning alive after a car accident.  Robert is obsessed with skin, and is researching an artificial skin which is resistant to fire and bug bites, among other properties.  FLASHBACK!!! 6 years ago, Robert is at a fancy party when suddenly his half-crazy daughter is turned full-crazy when she takes a stroll to the ol' rapin tree.  Robby finds her unconscious under said tree and when she awakes in her father's arms, she thinks he raped her and is thereafter frightened of him.  Obviously this seriously pisses of old Robby, and, overcome by his lust for vengeance, kidnaps his daughter's rapist.  I can't give away any more plot without ruining the big reveal, but Robby tortures the shit out of this kid.  Banderas' character is amazing.  Slowly his kidnap victim turns from the object of his hatred to the object of his desire, and Robert becomes obsessed. Rob's intricate and completely soul-annihilating revenge is a pleasure to watch at first, but after a while, you're not sure if its what he really deserves.  The slow rate at which the film reveals information is a little tedious at times, but I liked how my emotions about which character to sympathize with and which to despise constantly changed.  This is a heavy psychological medical thriller somewhere in between The Human Centipede and Old Boy, definitely worth checking out, 4/5.

Jelani's Take:
It has been a while since an artsy and deep film such as this one has hit the commercial theater. I must say, we were prepared for a massive snooze-fest. With an extra large coffee and a roll of Rollos, I attacked this head on; ready for a boring foreign film. But, to my delight and surprise, The Skin I live In exceeded my low expectations by leaps and bounds. The storytelling style here was a bit jointed, (the story jumps from the weird present to the weirder past, then back to the fucked up present.) but it served the film well, as the major revelations unfold organically and really and truly surprised the hell out of me. Without giving anything away, I can tell you this much: the film centers around a demented plastic surgeon's obsessive revenge and the twisted family dynamics that serve as a backdrop of understanding for all characters present. This film is sick; not since Oldboy have I seen such an elaborate and fucked up revenge unfold. Banderas nails the role of determined socio/psycho-path good/bad guy. The story is really well developed, and there were really no plot-holes considering the convoluted dynamics present. There were a lot of "OHHH!" moments throughout, as the main character's insanity peels back its layers until the very end. The moral here: Don't fuck with Antonio Banderas! There was a bit of a lull in the middle, as the film seemed to struggle with making sense of itself, but the big revelation scenes that followed made up for it in spades. For being a sexy foreign film that also grossed me out a bit, The Skin I Live In gets 4 fucked up families out of 5. I recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
There's not much that I can say that my movie crew cohorts haven't already covered. Except for maybe the cinematography, which was phenomenal. Jose Luis Alcaine helps paint a beautiful, expertly composed picture with his use of metallic yet fleshy colors. Which totally compliments the story itself, in addition to just looking fucking awesome. Initially, I thought this movie was going to suck eggs. I mean, the trailer doesn't even make any sense. It's just a bunch of weird clips put together that don't explain or even hint at what the movie is about. But I assure you, this movie is well worth the price of admission. Although the story is told in a somewhat unorthodox way, the strange format definitely adds some extra pizazz to the big twist in the latter half of the film. Yeah, I can't believe I just used the word "pizazz" either. If I'm ever a crazy, brilliant plastic surgeon and my sorta crazy daughter gets sorta raped by some punk kid, I would totally want to exact my vengeance upon him in the same brutal way that Antonio Banderas does in this movie. Actually, wait. No, I wouldn't... You guys, it's so hard to review this movie without writing any spoilers. Like seriously. The twist is so crazy! Go see it for yourselves! At first you'll be all like, "this is weird and confusing" but then when it's over you'll be all like, "that was weird and kinda really fucked up and I'm not confused anymore". 

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 "'does that make me gay?' moments"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No

Tuesday Review: The Thing

Jelani's Take
So! I finally discovered the secret to not falling asleep during the late movies! Coooffeee! Lots and lots of the shit! Albeit I needed it for the beginning setup of this movie, the thrills kept me up throughout. Not that the setup was boring, it just lacked the gritty suspense and awesome monster moments that made the rest of this film a real treat. After seeing this film, and having never seen the original, I immediately went out and bought a VHS copy (which I will review later!) The entire "who among us is the monster?" schtick mixed with really brutal monster moments throughout made for great horror movie fun. The cast of characters was great, as it included a serious motley crew; the dynamics between them were great. The alien though, was by far the best part. It used the humans as its host, and when it revealed itself, it became a twisted abomination of a thing that was shown in full. Unlike a lot of new horror, in which the monster is only alluded to or seen in the shadows, The Thing was full-frontal-in-your-face-I'MGONNAEATYOU! monster. This movie had lots of fire, lots of guns, lots of explosions, and scientists turned badass monster slayers. And death galore! I was very entertained throughout. Thanks coffee. 5 stars.

Brian's 2-cents
In a shocking change of events, I DID fall asleep during this movie because I had been studying for midterms all week.  I was awake for the first half, and I have to agree with Jelani when he says it was awesome how they showed the monster from the beginning.  The thing was gross and kept bursting out of people, which was exceedingly entertaining.  I really appreciated how each time it busted out of human form, it never went completely to blob form, but resembled a horribly injured and mutated person.  The second half of the movie I nodded in and out for, but I vaguely remember a lot of flamethrower action.  I'm going to give this one 4 out 5 with an asterisk because I would like to watch it again without falling asleep.

Ryan's Retort
Being a huge ass fan of the original movie, directed by John Carpenter, I will say that this movie was obviously not as good as it could have been. First of all, there was no Kurt Russell cameo at the end. If Kurt Russell was in this movie for even one second, I would have liked it infinitely more. But he wasn't. Fuck. However, there were some sweet references to the original movie that had me tittering in my seat like a tiny little schoolgirl, i.e. the two headed monster thing and the axe in the wall. And the monster was fucking awesome. Like really really cool. There's this one part when they're in a helicopter and this dude's face breaks open and all of these tendrils start pouring out of the crevasse in his head and it was great. Also, those Norwegians sure do love to burn things. First churches, now shape-shifting alien creatures! There was this one part towards the end when the chick ends up on the alien's spaceship or whatever. That sucked. She's like looking at this really pixelated thing moving around for unnecessarily long, and they don't even explain what said pixelated thing is. I'm assuming it was the ship's core or something. It's retarded. My main gripe with this movie was that they kind of beat us over the head with explaining how the alien can shape-shift and disguise itself. We know it can do that. You said it in the fucking trailer. My 11 year old brother knows it can do that. Stop telling us about it. Also, I don't want to see its god damn spaceship. To think that an alien that horrifying drives around space in a spaceship so clean and symmetrical just makes it way less scary. Come on, Hollywood. Get your shit together.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 bearded Norwegian men
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. But Brian did!

VHS Review: "Lock Up" by Brian

4 sweet ass cars getting destroyed with bats (out of 5)
Lock up is one of the five thousand action movies Sylvester Stallone made when he was in his prime.  In Lock Up, Stallone's character, Frank, is in jail for the second time after a daring escape from prison in order to see his dying father one last time.  With only 6 weeks to go, he is taken from nice prison and put in a shitty prison called "Gateway" run by Donald Sutherland, who Frank dicked over in the past.  Sutherland continuously tries to provoke Frank into trying to escape from jail again so he can fuck with him forever in brutal prison.  Frank is really determined to get out of jail and be with his super hot girlfriend, so he tries to resist the urge to escape.  This movie had a couple of good prison fight scenes, and two montages: and a heart-warming "fix the car" montage and a sweet "playing prison football" montage.  Stallone had a couple of hilarious one liners including "Thats Italian" (after he kisses his girl) and "Rape This" (right before he punches a dude in the face.)  However, the best line in the movie doesn't go to Stallone but to John Amos for his line: "I'm going to shine my boots with your face, you fat fuck!"  This movie was fun to watch, especially because you know Frank is going to attempt another escape, and you get to watch Stallone pretending to go crazy in solitary confinement.

Head to Head VHS Review: "Merlin vs Excaliber" by Brian

Both of these movies focus on the story of King Arthur so I decided to double up the review.  Merlin was actually a TV miniseries, but I didn't realize that until I researched the film.  Merlin starts all the way from the beginning, from the conception of Merlin, how he grows up and learns magic.  Merlin stars Sam Neill, the poor man's Kevin Costner, who just want to go hang out with his love Nimue, but always has to go save the world from douche bag kings who always think with their little heads and not their big heads.  Excalibur is a much more brutal and interesting movie, and it even has my boy Patrick Stewart, being a total badass as usual.  In Excalibur, Merlin isn't all pussy and righteous, and helps out others for his own gain.  Excalibur definitely wins this head to head because all the characters wear crazy spiked shiny full plate everywhere! they even fuck in full plate!  Excalibur has some righteous super long medieval battle scenes, but goes a little too long.  The costumes make this movie.

Final Ranks:
Merlin- 3 out of 5
Excalibur- 4 out of 5

Parents House Review "Critters" by Brian

4 Pruppets out of 5
Nothing much to do at my parents house except eat, poop, and watch TV, but they have Skinamax on demand, so I checked out this gem.  Critters is about a race of malevolently adorable furry aliens who escape their asteroid prison to mess with some rubes on Earth while some other aliens try to kill them.  The puppets who played the Critters were fantastically done, making this movie a real keeper (gotta find the VHS!)  Watching pruppets getting blown apart in every imaginable way was extremely enjoyable, time to check out Critters 2.

VHS Review: Pootie Tang by Brian

4 out of 5

What can I say about this classic comedy written and directed by none other than one of my favorite comedians, Louis CK?  You a baddy daddy lamatai tebby chai,  I'm going to sine your pitty on the runny kine.  May I dane on the jammies, Mama Dee?  You ain't come one, but many tine tanies.  Sa Da Tay!  Ok I got a little lazy on this review, but see this shit, its hilarious.

Jelani Agrees!
Za da tay my damey! Grade A comedy!

VHS Review: "Friday the 13th, Part 3"

4 Seth-Rogan-Looking-Motherfuckers (out of 5)
Totally ignoring the 20ish murders that have there happened in the past decade, more sexy teenagers go to Camp Crystal Lake to walk around scantily clad and have sex in hammocks.  The plot of Part 3 is exactly the same as in Part 2, except they bring some chubby-jewfro-having-Seth-Rogan-looking-motherfucker (instead of wheelchair dude.)  Even though the plot is unchanged from the previous movie, the murders are still brutal, the babes still babetastic, and Jason still knows the right moment to jump out to make you squirm a little on your Paxton (which is what we here at the Gun Rack call our leather couch.)  This is the movie where Jason trades out his sweet burlap sack for the infamous old tymey hockey mask.  The best character in the movie is a biker dude who wears a leather vest OVER a denim one! how badass is that!?  Great movie, would watch again.