VHS Review: Ghoulies (1985)

By Brian
5/5

Ghoulies, has a little bit of everything which adds up to make a near-perfect horror-fantasy-comedy:  Puppets, sorcery, midgets, cheesy '80s lightning effects, and terrible acting are all crammed into 82 minutes of pure awesomeness.  Ghoulies is about a young couple who move into a giant mansion.  The man is overcome by a desire to obtain and control the magic forces that he finds in a necromoniconic book he finds in the basement magic room.    Ghoulies is relatively light on the gore, but heavy on special effects, which kept me thoroughly entertained the entire hour and twenty minutes.  The Ghoulies themselves are the best part, little monsters who cause mischief all around the mansion. Whoever designed the puppets put a lot of hard work into designing and creating them, and it shows.  I loved how the main character gains more and more power, very Dungeons & Dragons like, gaining mastery over increasingly powerful spells as he slips deeper into his obsession.  Lots of lame jokes and cliche horror movie themes ("I have to go off alone and find a match to light my doobie.") keep this movie light and easy to watch.  Time to start collecting sequels, 5 evil baby puppets out of 5.

Tuesday Review: Men in Black 3 (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
After a few crappy Tuesdays in a row, Men in Black 3 was a real relief.  Funny and awesome to look at, MIB3 is the perfect combination of sci-fi and comedy.  Will Smith is his classic old self, the old guy is cranky, and the young guy playing the old guy has a hilariously dry sense of humor which is the perfect foil to Agent J's (Smith's character) cheerful friendly blackness (not sure how else to explain it.) In the movie, Agents J and K travel through spacetime to kill awesome looking aliens with their big disruptors (spaceguns.) The main bad guy is Boris the Animal who is incredibly brutal and can shoot spikes out of his hands, among other badass alien abilities.  MIB3 is super fast paced and interesting, the time travel made sense and avoided most paradoxes, and the action jam-packed with explosions, car/motorcycle/unicycle chases and multi-colored alien blood being splattered hither and thither.  For being the third movie in a series, MIB3 really pulls it off, 4/5.

Ryan's Retort:
Although "Men In Black 3" is clearly not a good movie, it is extremely fun and enjoyable to watch, which a lot more than can be said about most movies that come out nowadays. The dialogue is a bit cheesy and the cinematography is unimaginative and simple, but that surprisingly doesn't hold the film back in any way. In fact, it embraces those aspects and makes you appreciate them whether you want to or not. This is only aided by the fantastic performances of Will Smith, Josh Brolin, and even Tommy Lee Jones, who clearly did not even care to be in the film. However, the best performance comes from none other than Jemaine Clement, the glasses half of the comedy duo Flight of the Conchords, who plays the awesome new villain Boris the Animal. Clement, who is known for his comedy prowess, does a fantastic job of being both threatening and likable at the same time. The ending, which doesn't really make sense if you think about it long enough, puts a neat little bow on the trilogy while not wrapping things up completely, paving the way for yet another sequel if need be. And while I personally would have no problem with a fourth Men In Black movie, I think that both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have had quite enough of this series by now. I mean, Will Smith didn't even make a rap for this one! What the shit is that? Fuck Pitbull.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 young guys playing old guys
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No way!

Tuesday Review: The Dictator (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
Sacha Baron Cohen, when will you stop? The Dictator isn't so much of a comedy as it is a groaner.  As I sat through this movie, I couldn't help but continuously groan as I was forced to sit through lame joke after lame joke. Women are inferior *groan* I hate Jews *groan* etc.  Now that I think about it, The Dictator is just Borat without all the funny catchphrases. All the best jokes were given away in the preview, so I felt like I was watching this movie for the fourth time instead of the first.  Unlike Cohen's previous work, he didn't mess with any real (or actors pretending to be real) people, giving the whole film a forced feel.  The Dictator also felt a lot less risque than Cohen's previous films, I wanted to get the shit offended out of me, but instead I was just bored.

Ryan's Retort:
Despite all of the fantastic promotion that this film had received prior to its release, i.e. Sacha Baron Cohen spilling "Kim Jong Il's ashes" all over Ryan Seacrest, I found myself surprisingly disappointed by its predictability and lack of creativity. Not only did they give away all of the best parts in the trailer, but most of the other ones fell flat on their face. I suspect that this has something to do with the fact that this was the first attempt at an actual movie by Cohen and company, as opposed to just dressing up as a foreigner or a gay guy and pulling some hidden camera hijinks. In fact, most of the humor in the film seems rather forced. It's as if they were trying really hard to be offensive just for the sake of offending people, and they didn't even do a very good job of that. Hopefully, the next movie that Cohen undoubtedly produces will be streets ahead of this one. Until then, avoid "The Dictator" at all costs. That is, unless you enjoy wasting your money and your time.

Overview
Rating: 2 out of 5 Jew jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Billion Dollar Movie Review: Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Review

Watch The Trailer HERE.

Jelani's Take:
As huge fans of the comedy of Tim and Eric, of course Movie Crew had to go see their movie debut in their billion dollar movie. As it turns out though, they spent the entire movie budget on giant diamonds, extravagant personal makeovers, and a suit made entirely of diamonds. Of course, this faux-paz causes the evil Schlaaang corporation to hunt them down for the capital they invested, and leads Tim and Eric to move into the dilapidated S'wallow valley mall in order to make back the $1,000,000,000 with some hard work and enterprising. This is the premise of Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie, which was the best comedy that I have seen in a while. It had all of the weird humor that I've grown to love, and a slew of my favorite comedymen. Everyone in the movie was insane. The S'wallow valley mall, which was a hellish place on this earth, was run by a mentally damaged Will Ferrell, and tormented by the wolf in the pizza court. My favorite part, which made me laugh till' I cried at one point, was John C. Reilly's character Taquito who was raised in the mall and was a huge, very sick man-child. Everything about this movie was great. It was gross, absurd and ultimately a very-long episode of Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! The various shops within the mall served as their sillier and shorter bits, but they were all tied into the main, uh... Plot? But yeah, it was exactly the brain-frying that I had hoped it would be, and it was funny as hell. For those of you not familiar with this stuff, watch a few episodes of TEADGJ! and if you hate them, then just forget about this movie. But if you know what to expect, then I highly recommend you check it out! Ya dingus. 4 out of 5 stars for sure.

Tuesday Review: The Lorax

Watch The Trailer HERE.

Jelani's Take:
I know, I know, silly Movie Crew, this movie's for kids! But c'mon! After playing the role of Frank in Always Sunny for so long, anything starring even the voice of Danny DeVito is anything but a kid's flick. After our hearty dinner of candy and nothing else, we entered the fantastical world of Dr. Seuss on the big screen. And I must say; it was quite enjoyable! The Lorax was exactly what we had expected: it was a colorful, musical, silly and yet still morally driven PG film which was clever enough to support its own weight under audiences of all ages. The story is simple: a young man who is now only known as the Once-ler leaves his small town with dreams of being super-fucking-rich. Regardless of the ridicule he endures, he travels the world searching for the perfect material to make his extremely stupid product: "The Thneed." He stumbles upon a lush Seussian forest of trees and wildlife and proceeds to destroy it all, as the once-apprehensive masses suddenly turn and desire the fashionable tree-made thneed. The population of the world instantly forgets about the importance of nature and science and allow the world around them to be turned into a dystopian plastic-world where fresh air is bottled and sold. (A big plot device throughout the film is that the entire population is made up of idiotic consumerist whores.) This is where the lorax comes in. He is a nature-elemental or lesser god of sorts who "speaks for the trees" and has the fantastic voice of Danny DeVito. Throughout the film, he tries to make the Once-ler and the masses see the error of their ways and ultimately serves as the misguided fool's conscious. The main story is set in the past, and runs parallel to a story in the dystopian present. It all meshes together for quite an enjoyable story. Though it is ultimately a light-hearted, jocund film, it has that Dr. Seuss feel of deep morals that are seen in all of his books. Being said, this is the perfect adaptation of a Dr. Deuss book, and was great to behold. The characters were lovable, the humor was light, but still rude enough at times to tickle us adults, and the story was  solid. By no means was it a mind-blowingly great film, but it served its purpose as a fun movie-going experience. For a light-hearted romp through the mind of Dr. Seuss, The Lorax gets a very solid 3 stars, as I liked it, but would probably never see it again.

Casa de mi Padre (2012)

by Ryan

I'll be the first to admit that initially I was pretty hesitant to pay for this movie. The trailers didn't do a very good job of showing what the movie was about or even what genre it was. Honestly, I had a little trouble figuring out whether this was supposed to be a serious movie or not. Granted, Will Ferrell starring in an all-Spanish movie is a pretty hilarious concept. But I digress. "Casa de mi Padre" is one of the weirdest movie experiences I have ever had in my entire life. The movie opens with an English voiceover, stating something along the lines of "If it sounds like a Spanish movie, maybe it is a Spanish movie." Then, as soon as Will Ferrell opened his mouth and fluent Spanish came out, I died. It's fucking great. The best part is that he actually does a pretty terrific job of acting in a language that he does not understand at all. In fact, Ferrell has stated publicly that he had to remember all of his lines phonetically before shooting every scene. He is truly an amazing man. The film itself is about a dim-witted and cowardly rancher, Armando Alvarez, who must find it within himself to become a man in order to save his family's name and the woman that he loves (who also happens to be his brother's fiance) from a mean-spirited drug overlord. It's a very generic, soap opera-y love triangle story made hilarious by the simple fact that Will Ferrell is speaking Spanish. In addition to that, there are a ton of visual gags and awkwardly long jokes that will have you keeled over with laughter. For example, there's an ongoing visual gag which exaggerates the low-budget quality of the film, i.e. cheaply made animal puppets and lots of jump cuts. One cheaply made animal puppet in particular, a white mountain lion, stole the show for me. This white mountain lion actually becomes a prominent character in the movie, calling himself the spirit of the mountain and sounding somewhat like a large black man. And if that doesn't do it for you, there are also a handful of musical numbers! One song is called "Yo No Se (I Don't Know)" and it's about Will Ferrell being a rancher and not knowing anything. Another song is called "La" and it's literally just Will Ferrell and the girl singing "La La La La La" for like three minutes. Unfortunately, there are parts of "Casa de mi Padre" that tend to drag on for longer than they should making the latter half of the movie feel somewhat tedious. But those scenes are more than made up for by the awesome last stand between Armando, his brother, and the drug overlord. Also, every scene that Nick Offerman is in is great too. Overall, this movie kept me entertained and happy for most of its hour and a half runtime. If you like to laugh at weird, vaguely Spanish things, then go see this movie!

Rating: 4 out of 5 poorly rolled cigarettes

Special Zeigfeld Screening Special: The Room (2003)

Watch The Trailer Here


Jelani's Take:
Ok, this one is a little tough. Before I delve into describing the cult masterpiece that also happens to be one of the worst movies to ever see the screen, I'd like to tell you how we even came to know of this bizarre flic. Well, actually, It's not that exciting. ANYWAY, as big fans of the great myriad works of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (pictured below, R.I.P.), we saw the film's lead man Tommy Wiseau (YAAAY!) in a special episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! Wiseau's otherworldly weirdness is magnetic. Immediately after seeing this strange figure, I felt compelled to know more about him.  As it turns out, he is the writer/producer/director/protagonist of this movie: The Room. My first viewing of this movie on Teevee was a little baffling, as I sat pondering its seriousness throughout. This movie is so badly produced that it is literally laughable; hence its Rocky Horror-esque following, and hilarious screenings. The film itself has a solid(ish?) premise: Johnny (Tommy)'s whore of a cunt fiancee' is going through some serious character changes, evidently for no reason. She cheats on him with his best friend throughout and gets done missionary style throughout by the two. The rest of the characters are noble, but all have a single character quirk such as breast cancer or parentlessness. Everyone is unreasonable, lacks simple judgement and loves playing catch with a football. The whole hook is that love drives people to do (really really really) crazy things, and I get that. I just had to scratch my head a bit as to... Uh... Everything else. Throughout, Tommy Wiseau is a wise and prolific protagonist that has terrible taste in friends. His violent stoner best friend, his creepy, drug-dabbling little orphan pal, and his whorish, evil, Dionysus-worshipping fiancee' are "tearing him apart" throughout as well, and this makes for some great one-liners and fits of passion on Wiseau's part.
    The cameraman is a five-year-old, the soundtrack is sexy-I-guess, the scenery was dismal, and the script was probably written on the toilet. I'm assuming that the entire project was an excuse for Wiseau to (quite thoroughly) thrash an apartment and bang some (low-to-moderate) attractive chick. For this, the movie is loved by its cult following, who threw plastic spoons and jeered mercilessly at Lisa; that fucking life-ruining succubus whore. (whose only redeeming factor is her amazing, uncanny ability to become less physically attractive within the span of days!) Overall, The Room, like Human Centipede 2, definitely gets SOME stars from us here at Movie Crew Review.

Hey Tommy! Great Job! From Tim & Eric. <3

Brian's 2-cents:
Unlike my other two Movie Crew companions I had never seen or even heard of this movie before.  On IMDB.com, the amount of viewers giving it 10 stars and 1 star are in almost equal abundance, with barely anyone giving it any stars in between.    The Room is the worst masterpiece I have ever seen, and is one of those movie you just HAVE to see in theaters.  The huge Zigfield theater was packed with people who had obviously seen this film dozens of times, shouting constantly. The audience participation made it clear this was NOT a movie to be taken seriously.  Whenever a spoon appears (which is quite often) everyone in the theater yells and throws plastic cutlery at the screen, and there are constant shouts of "focus the camera!!" (also quite often.)
     The atrocious acting in The Room made me think that English is probably not Tommy's first language.  The acting in juxtaposition with the awful sets, simple plot, and prolific boobage made me think of the softcore HBO porn that I used to fap to as a youth, except way more hilarious.  By the end of the movie, my face hurt from laughing so hard, and I've been laughing quietly to myself all day when ever I think of the characters going "cheep! cheep! cheeeeep!" which, according to the film, is the sound a chicken makes.  I would definintly love to see this movie again in theaters, and next time I'm bringing a fat handful of plastic spoons.

Ryan's Retort:
I once read a review of "The Room" that simply stated that this movie seems as if it were written by a deer without any understanding of human emotion or the way that we interact with one another. That pretty accurately sums up this entire movie. The best part about "The Room" is that it's obvious that Tommy Wiseau thought he was making a cinematic masterpiece, but in actuality all he was really doing was filming himself take the biggest, ugliest, most amazing dump anyone has ever seen in their entire lives.

Rating: Cheep, Cheep, Cheep *Some Stars* Cheep!

Nicolas Cage Movie Review: Vampire's Kiss (1988)

by Ryan

The only reason I even know about this movie is because of that video of Nicolas Cage freaking out for 5 minutes. This is the movie where he's walking down the street screaming "I'M A VAMPIRE. KILL ME, I'M A VAMPIRE" in the middle of the fucking day. Now, I love Nicolas Cage. Probably more than most people. I know he can be a horrible actor sometimes, but I don't mind it because it's god damn hilarious. And that's the only reason I was able to make it through this entire movie. Nicolas Cage is so fucking bad in Vampire's Kiss that it's hard to believe that you're watching an actual movie. Like somebody paid him to be in this. There's a part in the movie when he's crying and he literally screams "BA-HOO". Twice. And it's the best thing I have ever seen. Basically, Vampire's Kiss is about Nicolas Cage thinking that he's turning into a vampire but in actuality he's just really really crazy. Kind of like George A. Romero's Martin, except it's horrible. It all starts one night when Nicolas Cage is macking it to this chick and a huge ass bat flies in through the open window. The next day, Nicolas Cage is talking to his psychiatrist and he confesses to her that when he was fighting off that bat it made him feel strangely aroused for some reason. Soon after, this mysterious vampire woman starts showing up and taking her shirt off and biting him on the neck. She does this at least three times throughout the movie. Eventually, Nicolas Cage has completely lost it. He's jumping on desks at work, chasing his secretary down the street, reciting the entire alphabet, and raping people. It's ridiculous. This was not a good movie by any means. I was tempted to turn it off multiple times whilst watching it. But Nicolas Cage is just so mesmerizingly bad that you can't help but watch the entire thing. You keep thinking to yourself, "This can't possibly get any worse." And then it gets worse. Also, Nicolas Cage makes some of the best faces I have ever fucking seen in this movie. Here's an example:

It doesn't get much better than this.

If you love Nicolas Cage, watch this movie. If you love to hate Nicolas Cage, watch this movie. If you like good movies and do not want to waste an hour and forty minutes of your life, do yourself a favor and forget this movie even exists.

Rating: 2 out of 5 BA-HOOs.

Download Special: Re-Animator (1985)

By Brian
5/5

Re-Animator is another Lovecraft inspired movie about two medical students and a hot chick who once again learn that the dead should stay dead.  It all starts when a transfer student from Switzerland who had previously studied under Hans Gruber, (yes that's the same name as the bad guy in Die Hard) comes to Arkham, Massachusetts to continue his studies.  I knew from the beginning this movie was going to be a real winner because it had a brain explosion within the first 2 minutes and tits before the 11 minute mark.  I loved how the setting of this film is no other than Miskatonic Medical University, staying true to the Lovecraft setting.  At first this seems like the average Frankensteinesqe movie; the students reanimate the buffest dude they can find and he immediately starts tearing up lab equipment, which leads to the first life lesson I learned from this movie: Never resurrect anyone who looks like they could beat you up.  If I was experimenting with glow in the dark "reagent" I would definitely start with a little kid or a chick, so I knew I could put them back down if I had to, which leads me to the second thing I learned: Always keep a bone saw handy when reanimating people.  After the initial human reanimation, a creepy doctor named Hill catches wind of the serum and decides he wants the credit for the discovery.  The student decapitates Hill, but then reanimates both his dismembered head and his body (for science!).  This leads to lots of hilarious headless body and bodyless head gags including a grotesque bloody titty sucking scene.  The climax of the movie is amazing and somewhat of a twist, but of course I'm not going to ruin it for you here.  This movie is fantastic non-zombie living dead movie with great ultra bloody and gory special effects and a story that flows and makes sense without taking itself too seriously.
5 decapitated heads sucking titties out of 5!

Tuesday Review: The Sitter (2011)

Watch the Trailer Here

Jelani's Take:
It is the end of an era! Jonah Hill has now starred in his last movie as a fat loser. In "The Sitter", good ol' fat Mr. Hill is at his lowest as he is, as his mother put it: "in a period of stasis." Just as Michael Cera is always the lovably awkward romantic, Jonah Hill once again plays his character from "Superbad"; a fat pile who doesn't know where his life is going and needs one epic night to have some minor epiphanies. But enough ragging on that poor Pagliacci of an Oompa-Loompa! I couldn't be more delighted that this newest "Superbad" sequel stays true to its roots. Hell, it was funny! Contrary to the title, Jonah is not a babysitter. He is simply helping his widowed mother get laid by getting off of his fat ass. He is forced to watch the three children of his mother's good friends while they all go out; and hilarity ensues. The film is set in New York, and the city itself plays into the comedy, as Jonah idiotically decides to take these kids to go buy coke and go to a party to try and get laid. The plot is extremely reminiscent of "Superbad." Except... Michael Cera is replaced by a 6-year-old Paris Hilton wannabe, a pilled-out tween, and a Latin-American adopted tween terrorist of a child. The kids are an eerie amalgamation of pop-culture influence gone wrong, and it's funny to see how they interact with Jonah, who is supposed to be in his early 20's. Throughout, he helps them understand the real world outside of their parent's fucked up American dream bubble, while learning a bit about himself. Yet I digress! the movie wasn't about that al all, stupid! It was about Jonah Hill having a really, really epic night (again), getting chased by drug dealers, being awesomely gangster when he gets the chance to copy Black Dynamite's syntax, fucking up repeatedly, and then making everything right and getting back right in time to see that he made the news and that his mom got laid. It's everything you expect from these kinds of movies. Like "Scary Movie" and "Saw", you know exactly what you're getting. For not letting me down, The Sitter gets a solid 3 out of 5 stars. I recommend it for a good easy laugh.

Ryan's Retort:
You're not supposed to know this going into the movie, but Sam Rockwell plays the crazy coke dealing antagonist. And he is the best part.  Overall, The Sitter is your run of the mill raunchy teen comedy. It's pretty predictable from the get-go. But don't get me wrong, it is funny and it is mildly entertaining throughout. Most of the humor lies in the ridiculousness of the situations that fat Jonah Hill puts these three caricatures of children through. Also, fat Jonah Hill is just a funny guy in general. My main problem with this movie is that everything seemed a little too easy, making the sense of danger less prominent. Everything just happens to work out for fat Jonah Hill, whether it's stealing Bar Mitzvah money or breaking into his dad's fine jewelry store, there never seems to be any real threat of being caught. Granted, there is that one scene when he almost gets arrested. But that's it! Also, the fact that fat Jonah Hill is able to fix all of these problem-ed children within the span of ten minutes is totally unbelievable to me. However, the good does outweigh the bad (by a little bit) making this movie one that I would maybe recommend probably. If you like bratty children getting into trouble, fat Jonah Hill talking like a black guy, and gangs of muscular homosexuals then The Sitter is definitely the movie for you!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Sitter was a good laugh, but not hysterical.  My favorite scene was the classic "white guy forced to go to the black bar."  Instead of the usual awkwardness and accidental saying of "you people" (ehem, Tower Heist), This movie breaks that cliche by making Jonah Hill actually feel comfortable and befriend the stereotypically threatening black people.  The movie also reenforced the stereotype that black people think white people are all crazy, which is a hilarious concept that doesn't get enough play in movies today.

Overview
Rating - 3 out of 5 soul babies
Did Jelani Fall Alseep - No.

VHS Review: Drunken Master (1978)

By Brian
5/5

I don't watch many Kung-Fu movies, but I think that's about to change.  Drunken Master is the movie that made Jackie Chan famous, its so old that he is actually credited as Jacky Chan (wonder why he changed it.)  From the first scene, where Chan takes a dudes hat off and plays keep away while beating him up, you can clearly see Chan's amazing ability to mix humor into his Kung-Fu.  The first scene had me giggling even though I was sitting at home alone.  The story of the movie was a little hard to understand because I have a crappy old vhs with heavily Italian-accented dubs, but it didn't matter because the movie is almost all action. What I did understand is that Drunken Master is Jacky Chan trying to save his rich daddy against an assassin named "Thunderbird" whose best line is "I'm going to kick your ass off!"  In order to defeat Thunderbird, Chan has to train with an old drunk to learn his drunken techniques.  The old master kicks ass, the dude must be pushing 80, but he fights like a pro.  Chan and the old master are stellar at kicking peoples asses with chairs, sticks, bottles, and everything else they can get their hands on.  Contrary to popular belief, Chan can also pull off Kung-Fu comedy without props, especially while using his "Lady Style Technique."  This movie was a perfect mesh of comedy and action, and at only 80 minutes, kept me at the edge of my Paxton the entire time. This was a flawless movie, so I'm giving it a flawless score of 5 out of 5.

VHS Review: The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit (1998)

By Brian
4/5
Silly as fuck, The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit is about 5 hilariously stereotypical Latinos who each chip down 20 bucks to get a this brand new white "Ice Cream" colored suit.  Four of the men are regular hard working stiffs, but the fifth is a really really dirty homeless dude, who everyone knows is destined to ruin the suit for everyone else.  In the film, each man gets two hours to wear the suit.  The suit is fucking magical and glows and when you wear it, people around you start singing, and bitches fall all over you.  Is my favorite actor Clifton Collins Jr. in it?  Yeah he is!  Also, it's written by sci-fi master, Ray Bradbury!  This movie was really funny because all the actors talked like Cholos, and call each other taco eaters and stuff.  I know Blacksploitation, but Hispanicsplotation? that's some whole other shit.

Special Recommendation Review: Chillerama (2011) by Ryan

It's been a while since I've seen a really good, low-budget, cheese fest of a horror movie. Chillerama came highly recommended to me by my friend Mike, who stumbled upon it at the movie theater in which he is currently employed. So naturally, once I found it on Netflix I watched the shit out of it. Like George A. Romero's Creepshow and Michael Dougherty's Trick r' Treat, this movie is a compilation of shorts tied together by one overarching story. The main plot of Chillerama revolves around the last drive-in theater in America. The proprietor of said drive-in, that one old dude from Office Space, decides to screen the ultimate compilation of lost horror film prints for one last hurrah. These films include the likes of Wadzilla, I Was A Teenage Werebear, Deathication, and my personal favorite, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. Each of these shorts were directed by a different person, yet they all share a similar sense of humor and tone. Wadzilla is about this guy that has an abnormally low sperm count, which leads him to take this experimental medication that ultimately causes his one sperm cell to grow to monstrous proportions and wreak havoc on the entire city. I Was A Teenage Werebear is a pseudo-musical about a boy that falls in love with the mysterious leader of this rebellious homosexual gang and the repercussions that he faces for getting close to them. The Diary of Anne Frankenstein tells the tale of Adolf Hitler's discovery of the fabled Frankenstein diary and his subsequent creation of a large Jewish monster pieced together from dead Jews. And Deathication is a poop pun. Meanwhile in the main story, the patrons of the drive-in are all slowly turning into mindless sex zombies because of this blue goo secreted by this one dude that tried to get a blowjob from a corpse in the beginning of the film. Clearly, this movie is awesome. It's always a real treat when the cheesy B-movie that you're watching is aware of how cheesy it is and embraces that cheesiness to its full potential. The only thing that bothered me about this movie was its ending. After all of the sex zombie madness is said and done, we join four middle-aged men watching the movie in a crowded theater. These four men, the directors of the films in the movie, do not add anything to the film and are completely unnecessary. My guess is that they just wanted some screen time. Also, there's a point towards the end of the film when everyone just starts saying really famous movie quotes for some reason. It was kinda funny at first, but after a while it just gets annoying. It makes me think that they were at a loss for their own clever one-liners and so they decided to borrow some pre-existing ones. But other than those few minor issues, I can honestly say that I really enjoyed Chillerama. If you're looking for a good, mildly scary, funny, and kind of disgusting movie to watch, then Chillerama is the movie for you!

Rating: 4 out of 5 mindless sex zombies

Tuesday Review: The Muppets

Jelani's Take:
The Muppets is on all accounts a fantastic movie. Sure it may be "for kids", but hasn't it always been? And, watching reruns now, don't you pick up on those subtly naughty nuances that flew right over your head when you were a kid? The new Muppets movie is a nostalgic nod to its legendary run, and it uses its own history as a diving board to jump right into a new pool of greatness. The story is simple; the Muppets must get back together for a reunion show in order to raise money and save the old Muppets studio from being torn down. Throughout, the Muppets have doubts that they still have what it's got to entertain, or even if their old fanbase still gives a shit about them. This is a funny hook in itself, as it creates a very strongly palpable sense of emotion within the puppets that parade around the screen. The film has as much heart as it does wit, as I found myself laughing out loud as well as letting a few "awh's" escape my lips. The story is all there, but it never takes itself too seriously, as what would create snags in the plot are simply swept under the rug. The arduous processes of gathering the old crew, driving to Paris, and refurbishing the old theatre are done in seconds with clever ease. The entire movie flows well, and doesn't have many dull moments. With great cameos and witty acts throughout, the film felt like an extended episode of the old show. The Muppets themselves, as always, looked great and interacted with the real world perfectly. Jason Segel was so so funny throughout, as the brother of the Muppet, Walter. He was such a fantastic Muppet of a man that I feel as if he should exclusively do movies that include puppets (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, anyone?). He was a perfect fit, as his overall goofiness was contagious, and his childish blithe was a  treat to behold in such a whimsical setting. i don't think I've ever had such good clean fun at the movies since I was 11. The musical numbers are all great, the interplay between the Muppets and humans is so funny, and the guest stars all delivered comedy gold just by being themselves. It was like the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but in movie form. And with songs. And for kids... Well, you get what I'm saying. For driving home the indubitable fact that the Muppets are immortally awesome, this film gets a perfect score from me. Go see it.

Ryan's Retort:
Let me just say that I have been extremely excited for this movie ever since I first heard about it approximately two years ago. Being a huge geek and a huge fan of the Muppets, I went into this film with outrageously high expectations. And to my elation, The Muppets did not disappoint. It's quite apparent that Jason Segel really gave this movie his all; his passion for the Muppets, and puppets in general, comes through tenfold in this heartfelt, hilarious, musical adventure of a film. Being as this movie is rated PG I feared for a brief moment that it wouldn't be all that enjoyable for a 21 year old man, such as myself. However, that is not the case at all. The humor of The Muppets transcends age, gender, background, and ethnicity relying heavily on sight gags, puns, and even breaking the fourth wall! It really is a treat to see a movie, geared towards children, with such a sophisticated sense of humor. At one point in the film, the Muppets must resort to kidnapping a certain celebrity host for their telethon. Now normally kidnapping is no laughing matter, as we can tell from Kermit's initial adamant disapproval. But not only does this film manage to make light of the otherwise atrocious act of kidnapping, it also somehow forces gaggles of giggles from our gullets. Now THAT'S how you alliterate, Bitches! The hilarity of this film is also perfectly complimented by wonderfully catchy tunes composed by none other than Bret McKenzie, from Flight of the Conchords. Which makes perfect sense when you think about it, being as Flight of the Conchords are all about wonderfully catchy and hilarious songs. There is honestly just way too many good things to say about The Muppets. It is a perfect Muppet movie for a new generation of Muppet fans. If you love the Muppets and have yet to see this film, you are a huge dingus.

Brian's 2-cents:
Drive by map! Why didn't I think of that?!

Overview
Rating: 5 out of 5 very manly Muppets
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Hell no.

Tuesday Review: "Tower Heist" (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Tower Heist is an action/comedy about what happens when a bunch of minimum wage shmucks who work at a fancy Manhattan apartment building get fucked over by a corrupt hyper-wealthy buisness man. Starring in the mediocreness is Ben Stiller, as Josh, the mastermind; Eddie Murphy, as Slide, the experienced criminal; and Matthew Broderick, as Mr. Fitzhugh, the unfortunate bankrupt math wiz.  The only other notable character (sorry Casey Affleck) is Odessa, played by Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious which I'm still crying over) who plays the stereotypical Caribbean maid.  Tower Heist seems to be specifically aimed at New Yorkers because they kept making references to places like Forest Hills in Queens.  I felt like if you weren't a native New Yorker, a good amount of the jokes would be lost on you.  Also, I hate when movies shoot on MTA trains because the last thing I want to think about when I'm trying to watch a movie is how fucked up the L train is going to be later.  The most funny comedian in the movie was clearly Eddie Murphy, and I was glad to see that he still had it.  The chemistry between Murphy, Stiller and Broderick is good, but the jokes in this PG-13 movie were just too general and toned-down to induce more than a chuckle out of me.  In our post movie wrap up/ cigarette, the Movie Crew decided that although the movie flowed and wasn't boring, we wouldn't want to watch it again, giving this film a final score of 3/5.

Jelani's Take:
This comedy just makes it. After a depressing first half where characters and settings are established (the setup is grim at best), the jokes start to come. Tower Heist is one of those borderline comedies, where quirky situations and funny actors are what save the overall film from taking itself too seriously. The chemistry worked, and the pure ridiculousness of the situations these Joes put themselves in made for some hilarious riffs. I felt as if I was watching improv at some points, as the entire cast pretty much decided to comedically wing-it through an Oceans 11 level heist. ("Ok, I heard penthouse robbery!") It also felt as if the jokes weren't actually written as much as they were simply conceived out of the air that surrounded the funnymen. The chemistry was all there. The dialogue was as snappy as a comic book's, and the zany antics that happened throughout the entire robbery kept the film fresh throughout. Overall though, there was nothing oustandingly memorable about Tower Heist. It was entertaining and witty, but it really didn't wow me. It took the very real theme of recession in the capital city of the world, and turned it on its head. For teaching me that grand larceny in NY penthouses isn't as hard as i had originally thought, tower heist gets a very solid 3 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
It's good to see Eddie Murphy in a non-cartoon movie in which he's only playing one person again. After Norbit and Shrek 4 I was beginning to think that he'd lost it. But Tower Heist proves that the Beverly Hills Cop still has comedic chops out the wazoo. As soon as he comes on screen, the entire movie is lifted up out of the dark, depressing place that it starts off in. Murphy admittedly has many of the film's best one-liners, i.e. "I'mma be inside having sex with Rita" and "Lesbians always have the best tits", but he delivers them with such an accute sense of timing that it's no wonder he's so god damn famous. Tower Heist is basically the love child of heist movies, like Ocean's Eleven, and comedic revenge movies, like Horrible Bosses. It's great in that there's an ensemble cast of talented actors that each plays a key role in the plan to steal things from the Tower. However, what's different about this heist movie is that the characters don't necessarily stick to their plan due to various unforeseen obstacles that get in their way during the actual heist. By which I mean that they're eventually forced to steal an entire car from the top floor of a very tall building during work hours. Talk about impossible! Overall, I had a great time watching this movie. I went in with really low expectations and I came out mildly entertained. And isn't that all we ever really want out of a movie?

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 New York jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

M.C. Enjoying Pepperoni and Motz Beef Patties, courtesy of Luigi's Pizza and Margarita for the pic

Shitty Sequel Review: Johnny English Reborn (2011) by Ryan

My little brother had off from school today, so we decided to go to the movies and see something silly. And this was indeed that. But perhaps not silly enough. Johnny English Reborn takes place several years after the original Johnny English. I think. They aren't really connected at all other than that it's the same guy. We first find our hero training somewhere in Malaysia, or Thailand or one of those other countries with monks, where he is forced to walk across coals and drag large rocks around with his penis. Then he gets a call from MI7, the British Military Intelligence, saying that they need him for some mission. So he goes to Britain and gets some super sweet spy gadgets, like a talking car and an umbrella rocket launcher, and then leaves to go stop some killer or something. I don't really remember. Eventually, we find out that there's this secret sect of assassins, called "Vortex", that is totally out to kill the prime minister of China. So Mr. Bean is put to the task of figuring out who these "Vortex" people are and how to stop them. Overall, this movie was pretty mediocre. There were some big laughs, but they were few and far between. I did really like the whole chase scene where Mr. Bean is in this awesome spy wheelchair though. The main problem with this movie is that Mr. Bean shouldn't be able to talk, let alone be a capable secret agent. He's just way funnier when he's a huge idiot and nothing else. However, I did like how he sounded exactly like Zazu from The Lion King the whole time. Or maybe that's just his regular voice. Anyway, the real star of this movie was the mysterious old Chinese woman that kept killing people without any explanation. She just kept showing up with all of these crazy spy guns and then Mr. Bean would inadvertently beat up other old women that he has mistaken for her. Plus, she's an old Chinese woman! That's hilarious!

Rating: 2 out of 5 large penis rocks.

Special Recommendation Movie Review - Bedazzled (1967) - by Ryan

Did you guys know that that movie with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley as Satan is a remake? Because I sure didn't. The original movie came highly recommended to me, by my girlfriend. So I watched it. And it was great! The original "Bedazzled" is way quirkier than its American counterpart. Quirkier in that British humor kinda way that only British people can pull off. Also, this movie clearly had a much lower budget than the American one. So good for them for coming up with such a creative and interesting story. In this version, the main character (Not Brendan Fraser) is a miserable shlub with nothing to live for. Not Brendan Fraser is about to kill himself, when all of a sudden this mysterious man with a cloak somehow gets into his apartment and offers him a million pounds. I don't know how much that is in American money, but I'm assuming its a lot. Anyway, we find out that all Not Brendan Fraser cares about in life is this one homely girl that he works with. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Satan. So Satan gives Not Brendan Fraser seven wishes and each of them has something to do with trying to get this homely girl. But Satan, being the tricky son of a bitch that he is, fucks up each one of the wishes and completely screws Not Brendan Fraser over. I kept expecting Satan's tricks to be the same as in the American remake, like how Elizabeth Hurley makes Brendan Fraser gay in that one wish and then he has a tiny penis in that other wish. But in this version, Satan is just an outright asshole who personally sees to it that this guy does not ever get what he wants. Overall, I think I like the remake better. But this movie has a lot of hilarious things as well. Like this one part when Satan is a popstar singing this song that's making fun of 60's pop music. And this other part when everyone is a nun. So see this movie! Or don't!

Rating: 3 out of 5 Brendan Frasers

VHS Review: Pootie Tang by Brian

4 out of 5

What can I say about this classic comedy written and directed by none other than one of my favorite comedians, Louis CK?  You a baddy daddy lamatai tebby chai,  I'm going to sine your pitty on the runny kine.  May I dane on the jammies, Mama Dee?  You ain't come one, but many tine tanies.  Sa Da Tay!  Ok I got a little lazy on this review, but see this shit, its hilarious.

Jelani Agrees!
Za da tay my damey! Grade A comedy!