Special Zeigfeld Screening Special: The Room (2003)

Watch The Trailer Here


Jelani's Take:
Ok, this one is a little tough. Before I delve into describing the cult masterpiece that also happens to be one of the worst movies to ever see the screen, I'd like to tell you how we even came to know of this bizarre flic. Well, actually, It's not that exciting. ANYWAY, as big fans of the great myriad works of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (pictured below, R.I.P.), we saw the film's lead man Tommy Wiseau (YAAAY!) in a special episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! Wiseau's otherworldly weirdness is magnetic. Immediately after seeing this strange figure, I felt compelled to know more about him.  As it turns out, he is the writer/producer/director/protagonist of this movie: The Room. My first viewing of this movie on Teevee was a little baffling, as I sat pondering its seriousness throughout. This movie is so badly produced that it is literally laughable; hence its Rocky Horror-esque following, and hilarious screenings. The film itself has a solid(ish?) premise: Johnny (Tommy)'s whore of a cunt fiancee' is going through some serious character changes, evidently for no reason. She cheats on him with his best friend throughout and gets done missionary style throughout by the two. The rest of the characters are noble, but all have a single character quirk such as breast cancer or parentlessness. Everyone is unreasonable, lacks simple judgement and loves playing catch with a football. The whole hook is that love drives people to do (really really really) crazy things, and I get that. I just had to scratch my head a bit as to... Uh... Everything else. Throughout, Tommy Wiseau is a wise and prolific protagonist that has terrible taste in friends. His violent stoner best friend, his creepy, drug-dabbling little orphan pal, and his whorish, evil, Dionysus-worshipping fiancee' are "tearing him apart" throughout as well, and this makes for some great one-liners and fits of passion on Wiseau's part.
    The cameraman is a five-year-old, the soundtrack is sexy-I-guess, the scenery was dismal, and the script was probably written on the toilet. I'm assuming that the entire project was an excuse for Wiseau to (quite thoroughly) thrash an apartment and bang some (low-to-moderate) attractive chick. For this, the movie is loved by its cult following, who threw plastic spoons and jeered mercilessly at Lisa; that fucking life-ruining succubus whore. (whose only redeeming factor is her amazing, uncanny ability to become less physically attractive within the span of days!) Overall, The Room, like Human Centipede 2, definitely gets SOME stars from us here at Movie Crew Review.

Hey Tommy! Great Job! From Tim & Eric. <3

Brian's 2-cents:
Unlike my other two Movie Crew companions I had never seen or even heard of this movie before.  On IMDB.com, the amount of viewers giving it 10 stars and 1 star are in almost equal abundance, with barely anyone giving it any stars in between.    The Room is the worst masterpiece I have ever seen, and is one of those movie you just HAVE to see in theaters.  The huge Zigfield theater was packed with people who had obviously seen this film dozens of times, shouting constantly. The audience participation made it clear this was NOT a movie to be taken seriously.  Whenever a spoon appears (which is quite often) everyone in the theater yells and throws plastic cutlery at the screen, and there are constant shouts of "focus the camera!!" (also quite often.)
     The atrocious acting in The Room made me think that English is probably not Tommy's first language.  The acting in juxtaposition with the awful sets, simple plot, and prolific boobage made me think of the softcore HBO porn that I used to fap to as a youth, except way more hilarious.  By the end of the movie, my face hurt from laughing so hard, and I've been laughing quietly to myself all day when ever I think of the characters going "cheep! cheep! cheeeeep!" which, according to the film, is the sound a chicken makes.  I would definintly love to see this movie again in theaters, and next time I'm bringing a fat handful of plastic spoons.

Ryan's Retort:
I once read a review of "The Room" that simply stated that this movie seems as if it were written by a deer without any understanding of human emotion or the way that we interact with one another. That pretty accurately sums up this entire movie. The best part about "The Room" is that it's obvious that Tommy Wiseau thought he was making a cinematic masterpiece, but in actuality all he was really doing was filming himself take the biggest, ugliest, most amazing dump anyone has ever seen in their entire lives.

Rating: Cheep, Cheep, Cheep *Some Stars* Cheep!

Special Thursday Movie Review: Human Centipede 2 - Full Sequence

Jelani's Take
Oh sweet Jesus! Where in the fucking hell do i even start!?!? This movie was... Uh... Hm... Good? Yeah! It was good. I think. Well, I guess I'll start with this: A couple years back, Me, Brian and our old roommate Michael Giurato (May Satan have mercy on his soul...) went to see Human Centipede at the IFC theater downtown. It was a great time. For those who have never been to the IFC theater, it is a grand throwback to the way the movies used to be. People socialize, laugh, and generally have a great time. We of course, returned to this great theater to experience the sequel to this great movie. (regardless of how people feel about it, we loved it. Might have been the atmosphere or something, but whatever. Fuck off.) So! Naturally, we were ready for a similar experience; a horror/thriller romp through "100% medically accurate"  playland! God, were we wrong. This black and white gore film is a parody of its first incarnation. It is disgusting. There were a couple of parts that I literally could not watch. It made Saw look like a slapstick episode of Looney Tunes. Like, really. Seriously. You've gotta have a strong stomach to watch this. Basically, the story follows a completely silent, mentally challenged, middle aged psycho toad of a man who is obsessed with the "100% medically accurate" precursor. Very egregiously, he kidnaps the most random assortment of people and then performs brutally crude amateur surgery on them. End. Throughout, we were hysterically laughing, as it was the only response that we could bring ourselves to. If you sit and watch this and take it seriously, it will be a bad trip. The characters are so ridiculous that one can't help but laugh. Oh, and did I mention that it is the most horrifically brutal movie I've ever seen? Oh yeah, I totally did. (geez, it's hard to shake those images.) But, overall it is well made. It is basically a big fuck you to everyone who criticized the ridiculousness of the first, and it had Easter eggs galore for those of us who enjoyed it. If you want to have a great time at the movies, go see this shit at the IFC. You won't know what to think afterwards, and you will undoubtedly have some laughs repeating the awesome one-liners and golden character moments (hint hint, there are just over a dozen of them) afterwards. Every scene is gut-wrenching, and dark, and weird, and artsy, and tongue-in-cheek, and over-the-top. For being a unique movie experience in every way, shape, and form, Human Centipede 2 definitely gets SOME stars.

Ryan's Retort
What. The. Fuck. I don't even know whether I liked this movie or not. I mean, I definitely had a good time watching it. I think. But it's like Tom Six went out of his way to make this movie the most fucked up, disgusting, and distasteful movie of all time. For example, the protagonist of the story is a really crazy, really fat retarded midget that barely speaks and was sexually abused by his father as a baby. Cool, huh? It gets worse. This story takes place in the "real" universe, in which the original "Human Centipede" is just a film. And said fat retarded midget just happens to be completely obsessed with it. He has handmade scrapbooks, a pet centipede, the works. Also, he's been working on a human centipede of his own; a full sequence human centipede with ten people, which includes a loud-mouth British wanker, the main actress from the first movie, and a pregnant woman. Yeah, that's right. A fucking pregnant woman. Is nothing sacred in this movie? Yes. Nothing is sacred indeed. I won't give away all of the details, but that baby dies in a very very awful way. Also, there's a part when poop is literally flung at the camera. Yucky! I recall my Movie Crew counterpart, Brian, asking why they would decide to shoot in black and white. At the time we didn't know. Well, by the end of the movie we got our answer. If this movie was in full color, it would be completely and utterly unwatchable. Take from that what you will. I'm going to go cry.

Brian's 2-cents
I enjoyed squirming and uncomfortably giggling while I watch the rotund baby rapped mute eat a nice dinner with his mother whom seconds before had her entire head and face completely annihilated by a crowbar leaving nothing but a crooked, jutting jaw bone and some bloody matted hair.  This movie was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I own 2 snuff films on VHS. SOME STARS!

Overview
Rating: Some stars
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. God no.