The Master (2012)

by Ryan

Having seen none of Paul Thomas Anderson's previous works, I decided that this movie looked interesting enough to go see with my father. And boy was I right. However, as interesting as "The Master" may have been, I still have absolutely no idea what it was about. I mean, obviously it's some sort of commentary on L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology but what was this movie REALLY about? Your guess is as good as mine, and I've already seen the damn thing. "The Master" opens on Joaquin Phoenix, who plays a crazy guy (go figure) that loves to make his own alcohol and have sex with women made of sand. After a tour in the Navy, Joaquin is deemed too insane for normal society and is tasked with taking pictures of people at the mall. Unfortunately, this doesn't last very long as his uncontrollable temper gets the better of him time and time again. Eventually, Joaquin ends up on a huge boat that happens to belong to Philip Seymour Hoffman and his already loyal cult following. Philip takes a shining to Joaquin due to his knack for making bizarre alcohols (some of which include ingredients such as paint thinner and gasoline) and decides to put him to work as his right hand man for some reason. (It doesn't make any sense when you think about it; why would you employ a crazy drunk guy that forced his way onto your ship?) Anyway, we find out that Philip Seymour Hoffman is an author/scientist/scholar/liar and we follow their journey across the country, as Philip's cult tries desperately to persuade others into joining in on their beliefs (and buying Philip's bullshit book). There are a few times during the movie where Philip loses his shit, calling people "PIG FUCK" and getting all red. There are also quite a number of times where Joaquin loses his shit and beats the crap out of people for no apparent reason. Those are probably the best parts of the movie. Don't get me wrong, the performances were astounding and the cinematography was incredible. I loved watching Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams brainwash people just as much as the next guy. But honestly, "The Master" just felt way too long and way too pointless. Don't even get me started on the ending. Overall, I'd have to say that I'm glad that I saw this in theaters even though I have no intention of ever watching it again. If you're in the mood for a slow, weird, seemingly pointless movie with lots of foul language and boobies, then "The Master" is definitely for you.

Rating: 3 out of 5 PIG FUCKS