VHS Review: Hatchet for the Honeymoon (1970)

By Brian
4/5

Hatchet for the Honeymoon should have been called "Meat Cleaver for the Honeymoon", because there are no actual hatchets in the movie.  The film is about a rich and handsome fashion designer of wedding dresses, who kills babes in order to find out what happened to his murdered mother when he was a youth.  All John (the main character) wants to do is bang and murder hot chicks, but his bitch wife keeps bothering him.   An interesting twist to this film is the ghost wife aspect.  After John kills his bitch wife, she reverse haunts him, that is, everyone can see her ghost except John.  I had never seen a reverse haunting in a movie before, and it added a fantastical aspect to the movie which kept it interesting and separated it from your ever day thriller/slasher.  Although slow at times, the characters and plot in this film were unique and original.  The murders were not that brutal, but ever time John kills a nice broad, a little more of the mystery is unraveled.  When the big reveal happened, I have to say I was actually surprised.  Hatchet for the Honeymoon is a solid thriller, full of twists, turns, and complainey wives that wont even leave you alone after they've died, 4/5.

Tuesday Double Feature Review Part Deux: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Watch the trailer here


Jelani's Take:
Having not read the highly acclaimed book, I didn't know what to expect with this one. The trailer didn't explain anything at all, and I was a bit apprehensive about even seeing this movie at all. Now that I have experienced the lurid head-trip that is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, I will never again write off a film before I see it. This one was epic. The story revolves around Daniel Craig whose career is fucked, and who just can't catch a break as he is locked in a legal battle in which the odds ore stacked well against him. He is chosen, with the help of some sleuthing by Lisbeth, (AKA The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo) to investigate a cold case; the ancient 40 year old murder of this old guy's neice. He offers in return, some dirt on the douchebag that is running Mikael (Danny Craig) through the mud in court. Of course he accepts! But this is just the surface of this deeply engrossing film. As it turns out, Lisbeth, a young computer hacker, is having a hard time as well. She is a ward of the state, and is dealing with the most deranged and creepy social worker ever for allowance and limited freedoms. From the get go, it is hinted that Lisbeth is a total badass. Throughout the film, it is firmly asserted that she is indeed the coolest female character ever. She is tactful, ruthless, and brilliant, and her emo/punk rock look throws off everyone as to how deep her skill sets go. She saves Mikael's ass throughout the film, once she teams up with him to investigate what turns out to be a terribly fucked up family. The entire film is merely a backdrop to the life of the tattooed Lisbeth (hence the name.) She exploits every shred of the bleak situations around her and ultimately comes out on top all by her lonesome. The movie was a thriller all around. It was a thoughtful, sexy, disturbing and uniquely imagined tale of suffering and triumph in this fucked up world that we all live in. The entire cast was fantastic, and the scenery, solitary and empty as most of it was, added tension to every scene throughout. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was a great film! I would definitely see it again, although now I will probably never read the book. For telling one hell of a convoluted story with such tact, this one gets a perfect 5 out of 5 from me.

Brian: I think Jelani summed this one up pretty well, but I wouldn't call this a perfect movie, so I give it 4/5.

Tuesday Double Feature Review Part 1: Mission Impossible - Ghost Protical

Brian's 2-Cents: 
Just when you thought this franchise was done, Mission Impossible 4 comes out, by this time, since he's 3 out of 3 on impossible missions, you think the higher ups would start calling them Mission Hard or Mission Barely Doable.  On this barely doable mission, Ethan Hunt has to stop a mad physicist from launching a nuclear missile.  This time, Cruise is teamed up with Simon Pegg, the guy from The Hurt Locker, and of course, a hot chick.  Of course all 4 team members spent a good amount of their time beating people up and running away from explosions.  This movie was pretty predictable, but the cool slightly-slightly-into-the-future technology was entertaining, as were the extra long and punishing fight scenes.  I appreciated how there was no extraneous romantic plot, Tom Cruise was all like "my wife is dead, fuck it!"  This movie was entertaining but not memorable, I'm getting a little jaded from watching Tom Cruise run away from explosions, 3/5.


Ryan's Retort: 
Going into this movie, having seen exactly none of its predecessors, I can definitely say that this latest installment of impossible missions is exhilarating. Although I'm having a hard time remembering specifics, I did thoroughly enjoy the film while I was watching it. The stakes are super high in this movie from the get go. We first meet Tom Cruise as he's escaping from a high security prison for some reason. From then on, its fast-paced action sequence after action sequence. Also, this time around Tom Cruise has to work with a team. That's cool. Simon Pegg is hilarious as per usual. I'm glad that he passed his field test, because otherwise I probably wouldn't like this movie as much. Overall, Ghost Protocol is comprised of lots of pulse-pounding, somewhat forgettable scenes with little to no character development. The best, and most memorable, part of this movie is when Tom Cruise is scaling the outside of this huge building with nothing but one high-tech magnetic glove. Apparently, Tom Cruise did his own stunts including that crazy scene. To which I say, "Neat-o."

Overview
Rating:  3 out of 5 barely doable missions
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: Alice Sweet Alice (1976)

By Brian
3/5

Alice Sweet Alice was lent to me by fellow horror VHS enthusiast Chi, who usually has great taste, but this movie was only good, not great.  Alice Sweet Alice starts out with a little girl getting brutally strangled and then set on fire, all in a church during her first communion.  The victim's sister, Alice, is immediately blamed for the murder.  Alice is a creepy, deranged 12 year old who collects huge water bugs and tortures the morbidly obese landlord downstairs, who she calls Fatso.  The first half of this movie is great, Alice looks and acts like the kind of child who grows up to be a serial killer, she even kills a poor little kitty cat.  However, about half of the way through the movie, Alice is all but completely cut out of the movie, and there's just a lot of the dad, the detective, and the priest, who all look exactly the same.  The second half of the movie is really boring, and mostly just women crying and a superfluous romance that I didn't care about whatsoever.  The murder scenes and the creepy little child actress who plays Alice keep this movie above the 2 star line, but just barely.  This is one of those movies without any main characters and its super confusing, you're better off just watching Friday the 13th Part 2 again.

Download Special: Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

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Tuesday Review: The Skin I live In (La piel que habito)

Brian's 2-cents:
The Skin I Live In is a tragic tale of revenge, starring Antonio Banderas playing Robert Ledgard, a rich and talented plastic surgeon.  Robert is haunted by the memory of his wife running away with his degenerate half brother, only for his brother to leave her burning alive after a car accident.  Robert is obsessed with skin, and is researching an artificial skin which is resistant to fire and bug bites, among other properties.  FLASHBACK!!! 6 years ago, Robert is at a fancy party when suddenly his half-crazy daughter is turned full-crazy when she takes a stroll to the ol' rapin tree.  Robby finds her unconscious under said tree and when she awakes in her father's arms, she thinks he raped her and is thereafter frightened of him.  Obviously this seriously pisses of old Robby, and, overcome by his lust for vengeance, kidnaps his daughter's rapist.  I can't give away any more plot without ruining the big reveal, but Robby tortures the shit out of this kid.  Banderas' character is amazing.  Slowly his kidnap victim turns from the object of his hatred to the object of his desire, and Robert becomes obsessed. Rob's intricate and completely soul-annihilating revenge is a pleasure to watch at first, but after a while, you're not sure if its what he really deserves.  The slow rate at which the film reveals information is a little tedious at times, but I liked how my emotions about which character to sympathize with and which to despise constantly changed.  This is a heavy psychological medical thriller somewhere in between The Human Centipede and Old Boy, definitely worth checking out, 4/5.

Jelani's Take:
It has been a while since an artsy and deep film such as this one has hit the commercial theater. I must say, we were prepared for a massive snooze-fest. With an extra large coffee and a roll of Rollos, I attacked this head on; ready for a boring foreign film. But, to my delight and surprise, The Skin I live In exceeded my low expectations by leaps and bounds. The storytelling style here was a bit jointed, (the story jumps from the weird present to the weirder past, then back to the fucked up present.) but it served the film well, as the major revelations unfold organically and really and truly surprised the hell out of me. Without giving anything away, I can tell you this much: the film centers around a demented plastic surgeon's obsessive revenge and the twisted family dynamics that serve as a backdrop of understanding for all characters present. This film is sick; not since Oldboy have I seen such an elaborate and fucked up revenge unfold. Banderas nails the role of determined socio/psycho-path good/bad guy. The story is really well developed, and there were really no plot-holes considering the convoluted dynamics present. There were a lot of "OHHH!" moments throughout, as the main character's insanity peels back its layers until the very end. The moral here: Don't fuck with Antonio Banderas! There was a bit of a lull in the middle, as the film seemed to struggle with making sense of itself, but the big revelation scenes that followed made up for it in spades. For being a sexy foreign film that also grossed me out a bit, The Skin I Live In gets 4 fucked up families out of 5. I recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
There's not much that I can say that my movie crew cohorts haven't already covered. Except for maybe the cinematography, which was phenomenal. Jose Luis Alcaine helps paint a beautiful, expertly composed picture with his use of metallic yet fleshy colors. Which totally compliments the story itself, in addition to just looking fucking awesome. Initially, I thought this movie was going to suck eggs. I mean, the trailer doesn't even make any sense. It's just a bunch of weird clips put together that don't explain or even hint at what the movie is about. But I assure you, this movie is well worth the price of admission. Although the story is told in a somewhat unorthodox way, the strange format definitely adds some extra pizazz to the big twist in the latter half of the film. Yeah, I can't believe I just used the word "pizazz" either. If I'm ever a crazy, brilliant plastic surgeon and my sorta crazy daughter gets sorta raped by some punk kid, I would totally want to exact my vengeance upon him in the same brutal way that Antonio Banderas does in this movie. Actually, wait. No, I wouldn't... You guys, it's so hard to review this movie without writing any spoilers. Like seriously. The twist is so crazy! Go see it for yourselves! At first you'll be all like, "this is weird and confusing" but then when it's over you'll be all like, "that was weird and kinda really fucked up and I'm not confused anymore". 

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 "'does that make me gay?' moments"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No

VHS Review: Classics I Should Have Seen Before: The Shining (1980) By Jelani

Jelani is Late to the Party:
Hey folks! I have a little confession to make. For some reason, I have huge, gaping chasms in my movie repertoire. I must admit, that I am always that guy; the one who has not seen "that movie." ("like, really? you've never seen The Godfather!?! WTF?" *SLAP!*) I have missed many great classic films throughout my life. I am rectifying this obvious character flaw by the most obvious of means, and I plan to let you know exactly what my impressions on these classic films are! So, without further adieu,

THE SHINIG IS AWESOME. (But you knew that already didn't you?) This horror/thriller is the pinnacle of greatness when it comes to the medium of motion pictures. Kubrick creates a masterful collage using every aspect of filmmaking. The result is an eerie horror thriller that could not possibly be presented in any other form. The eerie and foreboding soundtrack, the meticulous attention to detail in camera angles and lighting, the superb acting, and the immaculate location and setting all add up to a rollicking, suspenseful masterpiece. The cabin fever horror with a twist approach is the perfect way to tell this story; the sickening spiral into madness that none other than Jack Nicholson delivers. He is a fucking nut! As seen in his entire career, good ol' Jack plays one hell of an insane bad-guy. He really shines in this one though, as his vivid hallucinations and twisted rationale make for an almost relatable character, regardless of the fact that he is totally batshit fucking crazy. As far as child actors go, the kid was a treat to behold as well. His acting was spot on. Hell, the entire four-man main cast was spectacular. The crazy scenes of horrific hallucinations were great as well, adding to the overall demented package that is shoves through your face holes. This is a classic for a reason; it rules. I really should have seen it earlier. It is rare these days that there is a perfect marriage between all of the aspects of production, resulting in nothing less than movie magic. The story of a small family being driven insane in a big hotel could not be told as effectively in any other medium than on the silver screen, and it  is because of this that The Shining really shines as movie gold. The entire experience is cinematic in every way, shape, and form.. Every scene has class and style and intrigue, and the simplicity of it all is astounding. It is creepy as hell too. The only thing I can say to every character though, is: "what the fuck? have you never seen a single episode of Scooby Doo!? Don't build on fucking indian burial grounds! They will obviously haunt the shit out of you!" *Face Palm* Way to go though. You used the most cliche'd plot device to enormous effect. I tip my hat to you. 5 stars.

VHS Review: RUN LOLA RUN (1998)

Brian's 2-cents:
3 unce unces out of 5
On a fine Sunday around college student breakfast time (2 pm), Jelani, Shiro, and I sat down to watch the only German movie ever made.  Run Lola Run is about a super hero with the power to run great distances and shatter glass with her voice.  However, these powers come with a cost, every time she runs, crappy 90's techno music plays around her. After her boyfriend idiotically looses his sack on the train, Lola has to come up with a way to get 100,000 doll hairs downtown to him before he shoots up a supermarket.  It takes her a few universes to get it right, because people in Germany can't drive for shit and keep hitting important characters with their cars.  Watching this movie was a pleasant break from the usual style of movies I watch, and went great with a big cup of coffee and a fat bowl of oatmeal-cereal.

Jelani's Take:
Run Lola Run was a pretty cool romp through three alternate universes that all corresponded to the initial mistake of literally losing $100,000. Now, bad choices aside, The film was highly entertaining. If you sit and watch this hungover on a sunday and tell yourself to ignore the obviously skewed decision making throughout, you will find yourself strung along a fun movie trip. the characters lacked any depth whatsoever, but it was somewhat fitting that such shallow characters are present within the shallow plot. There is definitely a foreign twinge to the film, as you are constantly reminded that this would never see the light of day in the US of A. In no respect was Run Lola Run bad. On the contraire! It was a high-energy, techno-filled film that succeeds in that it never takes itself too seriously. I can understand why it is so popular, as it has many similarities to the ever-popular crime film genre, with many unique twists of its own. And FYI: It reeks 90's throughout. For being a fun movie ride overall, this quirky German flick gets 4 out of 5 from me.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Parents House Special: "Splice" (2009)

5 sexy abominations out of 5
I remember reading a review for Splice in the newpaper that said it was terrible, BUT THEY WERE FUCKING WRONG!  This movie wasn't enjoyable for the whole family, but I made my sister and mom sit through it anyway, because pops and I really wanted to watch it.  Splice is about Adrien Brody and some chick (Sarah Polley), who are punk rocky scientists messing around with combining different animal genes together.  After their bitchy boss lady tells them not to use human DNA, they do anyway.  At first the abomination is really gross, then its really cute, then its really sexy.  Did I just say sexy monster? yeah I did!  The abomination, which they name Dren, grows up in a matter of weeks to look like a bald hot chick with kangaroo legs and a sweet ass tail complete with brutal poisonous stinger.  I loved how Adrien Brody and I both came to realize that Dren was kinda hot at the same time. And after a super lame clothes-on sex scene between Brody and his mediocre looking girlfriend, you get to see Brody fuck this shit out of this monster.  Monster sex scene? you know I'm into that!  I don't want to give away too much, but the ending of this movie is creative and surprising.  See this movie, its one of the most original scifi films I've seen in a while.