VHS Review: Ghoulies (1985)

By Brian
5/5

Ghoulies, has a little bit of everything which adds up to make a near-perfect horror-fantasy-comedy:  Puppets, sorcery, midgets, cheesy '80s lightning effects, and terrible acting are all crammed into 82 minutes of pure awesomeness.  Ghoulies is about a young couple who move into a giant mansion.  The man is overcome by a desire to obtain and control the magic forces that he finds in a necromoniconic book he finds in the basement magic room.    Ghoulies is relatively light on the gore, but heavy on special effects, which kept me thoroughly entertained the entire hour and twenty minutes.  The Ghoulies themselves are the best part, little monsters who cause mischief all around the mansion. Whoever designed the puppets put a lot of hard work into designing and creating them, and it shows.  I loved how the main character gains more and more power, very Dungeons & Dragons like, gaining mastery over increasingly powerful spells as he slips deeper into his obsession.  Lots of lame jokes and cliche horror movie themes ("I have to go off alone and find a match to light my doobie.") keep this movie light and easy to watch.  Time to start collecting sequels, 5 evil baby puppets out of 5.

VHS Review: Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990)

By Brian
5/5


Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor is everything one could ask for in a science fiction horror.  Metamorphosis is about scientists working on a sample of an extraterrestrial life form handed down from the government to a private company.  At first the scientists create a couple of silly animatronic abominations by mixing the alien cells with common earth creatures, but then all hell brakes loose as one of the monsters bites a scientist, causing him to go through a grotesque, pink, bloody, squishy metamorphosis.  The scientist enclosed in his alien cocoon continuously writhes in pain and screams while his entire physical structure is changed down to the cellular level.  After a few weeks, a giant bloodthirsty alien penis dragon emerges from the former scientist and proceeds to brutalize everyone and everything it can get its penis mouth around.  The gore in this movie is fantastic, nothing can stop the dick dragon as it bites off heads, throws around sexy teenagers with its tendrils, and shoots spiky, poison laden projectiles.  If animatronics aren't your cup of tea, there is also some sweet claymation as the alien wiener monster shambles around on its four awkward legs.  Metamorphosis is written and directed by the same guy, Glenn Takakjian, who deserves the highest of fives for creating such a great horror scifi film.  I was also pleased that there was a character named Brian who didn't die in the film, even though I am pretty sure all the characters in the film died from cancer a few years later (watch the film to find out why!)  Finally, the movie was funny, featuring not one but TWO Star Trek references and the classic rambunctious teenagers with their awful dialogue: "It ate some guy!", there was even some mostly accurate hard science thrown in there.  Awesome. Fucking. Movie. 5 tendril flinging, poison spike pad launching, dripping uncircumcised toothed dong dragons out of 5!

This guy had it coming

Chan & Friends VHS Review: Mr. Nice Guy (1997)

By Jelani

Wow! Wowwee Wow Wow Zowee Jackie Chan is the coolest guy ever. This movie made every other Chan & Friends (as we at The Gun Rack call our Kung Fu VHS section) film look like a joke. Jackie Chan does most of his own stunts. The stunts in this movie were fucking nuts, and it retained its Jakie Chan brand slapstick silliness throughout. Chan is Mr. Nice Guy; a cooking show host and all around good guy. He randomly saves this hot chick from a bunch of hardcore gangsters after she gets caught filming them in the middle of a "deal." He inadvertently switches tapes with her and is immediately thrown into the middle of a two-pronged gang crusade to get the incriminating evidence back and cover their asses. There's only one problem; Jackie's little kid friend accidentally takes it. So he's forced to protect a hot redhead, a hot Asian, and a hot kinda black chick from these gangsters. He beats the shit out of them over and over all across town with a million props until they capture him. He breaks loose, saves his lady friends and completely demolishes the entire criminal empire. It was funny and action packed and I'm super impressed that Jackie Chan has done so many of these movies without being mangled beyond recognition. (C'mon, he fucking rolls over a table saw and scales a moving demolition truck!) The fight scenes are all sick, and Jackie gets to use his signature "I don't know why you're after me so I'm gonna beat you up with chairs as I run awaaay!" style of Kung Fu to awesome length. He's only the aggressor in the conflict at the very explosive end, and I wouldn't want it any other way. In my opinion, this is the quintessential Jackie Chan. It's his nicest role other than that one where he's a babysitter. Brian fell asleep and attests that "Drunken Master was way better" but that doesn't stop me from giving this fun-as-hell 90's Kung Fu romp a perfect 5 stars.

VHS Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

by Brian
5/5

After watching the dismal failure, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, I wondered if there were any good sequels in the Freddy franchise at all.  A.N.O.E.M.S.3:D.W.  is almost as good as the original.  This time, Freddy is going after a group of kids in a institution for sleep disorders, and its up to Nancy Thompson (the chick from the original film) to save them.  Unlike Nightmare 2, where Freddy just slashes everyone (booring), the murder scenes in this movie are actually creative and super fantastical.  In one scene, Freddy is a giant evil snake, then he's a TV monster, and then... well I don't want to give them all away.  The animatronics in this film are some of the best I have EVER seen.  As a special treat, instead of the kids being just scared wusses in their dreams, they get powers which they try and use to defeat the demon child-murderer.  Dream Warriors also reveals Freddy's super fucked up origin (*cough* nun-rape) as a male doctor in the hospital tries to set Freddy's soul to rest, skeleton fighting ensues.  This movie has delightfully bloody murder scenes, and does not hold back when it comes to brutality.

Download Special: Re-Animator (1985)

By Brian
5/5

Re-Animator is another Lovecraft inspired movie about two medical students and a hot chick who once again learn that the dead should stay dead.  It all starts when a transfer student from Switzerland who had previously studied under Hans Gruber, (yes that's the same name as the bad guy in Die Hard) comes to Arkham, Massachusetts to continue his studies.  I knew from the beginning this movie was going to be a real winner because it had a brain explosion within the first 2 minutes and tits before the 11 minute mark.  I loved how the setting of this film is no other than Miskatonic Medical University, staying true to the Lovecraft setting.  At first this seems like the average Frankensteinesqe movie; the students reanimate the buffest dude they can find and he immediately starts tearing up lab equipment, which leads to the first life lesson I learned from this movie: Never resurrect anyone who looks like they could beat you up.  If I was experimenting with glow in the dark "reagent" I would definitely start with a little kid or a chick, so I knew I could put them back down if I had to, which leads me to the second thing I learned: Always keep a bone saw handy when reanimating people.  After the initial human reanimation, a creepy doctor named Hill catches wind of the serum and decides he wants the credit for the discovery.  The student decapitates Hill, but then reanimates both his dismembered head and his body (for science!).  This leads to lots of hilarious headless body and bodyless head gags including a grotesque bloody titty sucking scene.  The climax of the movie is amazing and somewhat of a twist, but of course I'm not going to ruin it for you here.  This movie is fantastic non-zombie living dead movie with great ultra bloody and gory special effects and a story that flows and makes sense without taking itself too seriously.
5 decapitated heads sucking titties out of 5!

VHS Review: Drunken Master (1978)

By Brian
5/5

I don't watch many Kung-Fu movies, but I think that's about to change.  Drunken Master is the movie that made Jackie Chan famous, its so old that he is actually credited as Jacky Chan (wonder why he changed it.)  From the first scene, where Chan takes a dudes hat off and plays keep away while beating him up, you can clearly see Chan's amazing ability to mix humor into his Kung-Fu.  The first scene had me giggling even though I was sitting at home alone.  The story of the movie was a little hard to understand because I have a crappy old vhs with heavily Italian-accented dubs, but it didn't matter because the movie is almost all action. What I did understand is that Drunken Master is Jacky Chan trying to save his rich daddy against an assassin named "Thunderbird" whose best line is "I'm going to kick your ass off!"  In order to defeat Thunderbird, Chan has to train with an old drunk to learn his drunken techniques.  The old master kicks ass, the dude must be pushing 80, but he fights like a pro.  Chan and the old master are stellar at kicking peoples asses with chairs, sticks, bottles, and everything else they can get their hands on.  Contrary to popular belief, Chan can also pull off Kung-Fu comedy without props, especially while using his "Lady Style Technique."  This movie was a perfect mesh of comedy and action, and at only 80 minutes, kept me at the edge of my Paxton the entire time. This was a flawless movie, so I'm giving it a flawless score of 5 out of 5.

Tuesday Review: The Muppets

Jelani's Take:
The Muppets is on all accounts a fantastic movie. Sure it may be "for kids", but hasn't it always been? And, watching reruns now, don't you pick up on those subtly naughty nuances that flew right over your head when you were a kid? The new Muppets movie is a nostalgic nod to its legendary run, and it uses its own history as a diving board to jump right into a new pool of greatness. The story is simple; the Muppets must get back together for a reunion show in order to raise money and save the old Muppets studio from being torn down. Throughout, the Muppets have doubts that they still have what it's got to entertain, or even if their old fanbase still gives a shit about them. This is a funny hook in itself, as it creates a very strongly palpable sense of emotion within the puppets that parade around the screen. The film has as much heart as it does wit, as I found myself laughing out loud as well as letting a few "awh's" escape my lips. The story is all there, but it never takes itself too seriously, as what would create snags in the plot are simply swept under the rug. The arduous processes of gathering the old crew, driving to Paris, and refurbishing the old theatre are done in seconds with clever ease. The entire movie flows well, and doesn't have many dull moments. With great cameos and witty acts throughout, the film felt like an extended episode of the old show. The Muppets themselves, as always, looked great and interacted with the real world perfectly. Jason Segel was so so funny throughout, as the brother of the Muppet, Walter. He was such a fantastic Muppet of a man that I feel as if he should exclusively do movies that include puppets (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, anyone?). He was a perfect fit, as his overall goofiness was contagious, and his childish blithe was a  treat to behold in such a whimsical setting. i don't think I've ever had such good clean fun at the movies since I was 11. The musical numbers are all great, the interplay between the Muppets and humans is so funny, and the guest stars all delivered comedy gold just by being themselves. It was like the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but in movie form. And with songs. And for kids... Well, you get what I'm saying. For driving home the indubitable fact that the Muppets are immortally awesome, this film gets a perfect score from me. Go see it.

Ryan's Retort:
Let me just say that I have been extremely excited for this movie ever since I first heard about it approximately two years ago. Being a huge geek and a huge fan of the Muppets, I went into this film with outrageously high expectations. And to my elation, The Muppets did not disappoint. It's quite apparent that Jason Segel really gave this movie his all; his passion for the Muppets, and puppets in general, comes through tenfold in this heartfelt, hilarious, musical adventure of a film. Being as this movie is rated PG I feared for a brief moment that it wouldn't be all that enjoyable for a 21 year old man, such as myself. However, that is not the case at all. The humor of The Muppets transcends age, gender, background, and ethnicity relying heavily on sight gags, puns, and even breaking the fourth wall! It really is a treat to see a movie, geared towards children, with such a sophisticated sense of humor. At one point in the film, the Muppets must resort to kidnapping a certain celebrity host for their telethon. Now normally kidnapping is no laughing matter, as we can tell from Kermit's initial adamant disapproval. But not only does this film manage to make light of the otherwise atrocious act of kidnapping, it also somehow forces gaggles of giggles from our gullets. Now THAT'S how you alliterate, Bitches! The hilarity of this film is also perfectly complimented by wonderfully catchy tunes composed by none other than Bret McKenzie, from Flight of the Conchords. Which makes perfect sense when you think about it, being as Flight of the Conchords are all about wonderfully catchy and hilarious songs. There is honestly just way too many good things to say about The Muppets. It is a perfect Muppet movie for a new generation of Muppet fans. If you love the Muppets and have yet to see this film, you are a huge dingus.

Brian's 2-cents:
Drive by map! Why didn't I think of that?!

Overview
Rating: 5 out of 5 very manly Muppets
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Hell no.

VHS Review: Classics I Should Have Seen Before: The Shining (1980) By Jelani

Jelani is Late to the Party:
Hey folks! I have a little confession to make. For some reason, I have huge, gaping chasms in my movie repertoire. I must admit, that I am always that guy; the one who has not seen "that movie." ("like, really? you've never seen The Godfather!?! WTF?" *SLAP!*) I have missed many great classic films throughout my life. I am rectifying this obvious character flaw by the most obvious of means, and I plan to let you know exactly what my impressions on these classic films are! So, without further adieu,

THE SHINIG IS AWESOME. (But you knew that already didn't you?) This horror/thriller is the pinnacle of greatness when it comes to the medium of motion pictures. Kubrick creates a masterful collage using every aspect of filmmaking. The result is an eerie horror thriller that could not possibly be presented in any other form. The eerie and foreboding soundtrack, the meticulous attention to detail in camera angles and lighting, the superb acting, and the immaculate location and setting all add up to a rollicking, suspenseful masterpiece. The cabin fever horror with a twist approach is the perfect way to tell this story; the sickening spiral into madness that none other than Jack Nicholson delivers. He is a fucking nut! As seen in his entire career, good ol' Jack plays one hell of an insane bad-guy. He really shines in this one though, as his vivid hallucinations and twisted rationale make for an almost relatable character, regardless of the fact that he is totally batshit fucking crazy. As far as child actors go, the kid was a treat to behold as well. His acting was spot on. Hell, the entire four-man main cast was spectacular. The crazy scenes of horrific hallucinations were great as well, adding to the overall demented package that is shoves through your face holes. This is a classic for a reason; it rules. I really should have seen it earlier. It is rare these days that there is a perfect marriage between all of the aspects of production, resulting in nothing less than movie magic. The story of a small family being driven insane in a big hotel could not be told as effectively in any other medium than on the silver screen, and it  is because of this that The Shining really shines as movie gold. The entire experience is cinematic in every way, shape, and form.. Every scene has class and style and intrigue, and the simplicity of it all is astounding. It is creepy as hell too. The only thing I can say to every character though, is: "what the fuck? have you never seen a single episode of Scooby Doo!? Don't build on fucking indian burial grounds! They will obviously haunt the shit out of you!" *Face Palm* Way to go though. You used the most cliche'd plot device to enormous effect. I tip my hat to you. 5 stars.

Parents House Special: "Splice" (2009)

5 sexy abominations out of 5
I remember reading a review for Splice in the newpaper that said it was terrible, BUT THEY WERE FUCKING WRONG!  This movie wasn't enjoyable for the whole family, but I made my sister and mom sit through it anyway, because pops and I really wanted to watch it.  Splice is about Adrien Brody and some chick (Sarah Polley), who are punk rocky scientists messing around with combining different animal genes together.  After their bitchy boss lady tells them not to use human DNA, they do anyway.  At first the abomination is really gross, then its really cute, then its really sexy.  Did I just say sexy monster? yeah I did!  The abomination, which they name Dren, grows up in a matter of weeks to look like a bald hot chick with kangaroo legs and a sweet ass tail complete with brutal poisonous stinger.  I loved how Adrien Brody and I both came to realize that Dren was kinda hot at the same time. And after a super lame clothes-on sex scene between Brody and his mediocre looking girlfriend, you get to see Brody fuck this shit out of this monster.  Monster sex scene? you know I'm into that!  I don't want to give away too much, but the ending of this movie is creative and surprising.  See this movie, its one of the most original scifi films I've seen in a while.

Tuesday Review: "Real Steel"

Brian's 2-Cents
After a lovely movie-crew-exclusive night of hanging out by the East River and watching Jelani eat a slice of pizza with gyro meat on top of it, we headed over to the 62nd st Clearview for the movie.  And just when we thought Hollywood had completely stopped making good movies, REAL MOTHERFUCKING STEEL!!!!  This movie is basically Tranformers meets Rocky, which turns out to be a fantastic combination.  Real Steel takes place in the near future, where even poor Huge Ackmans can afford smart phones, oh and did I mention THEY HAVE GIANT ROBOT FIGHTS WHERE THEY BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH! The film follows dead beat dad Huge Ackman, who gets stuck with his estranged son when his mom dies.  Hey its cool though, because this kid is really fucking good at fighting robots.  Ackman and his son go around beating the shit out of every robot they can find, until they make it to the big leagues, where they continue to brutally beat the shit out of other robots.  I loved this movie, especially the part where they fight a robot against a huge bull.  Its 2 hours of non-stop metal on metal, definitely one of the best movies of the year.

Ryan's Retort
Any movie that has a robot bonding montage is okay in my book. This movie was way better than I thought it was going to be. Who am I kidding? I knew I'd like it. Because fighting robots are always fucking awesome. And they are fucking awesome in this movie as well. I've always wanted my own fighting robot, but never as much as I do right now. I hope this movie becomes reality, that's how much I enjoyed it. Fuck real boxing. My favorite part is when the rambunctious young boy frolics through the streets with his newly acquired fighting robot pal, who can't help but accidentally knock everything out of his way. It's hilarious and I wish I was that kid. The things I would do to be the kid in this movie. I would kill 5 million babies for a robot best friend. But I digress. The only problem I had with Real Steel is that there was no ending. Everything but the final fight remains unresolved, including the fates of the little boy and his dad, Huge Ackmans. Or maybe it's just to be assumed that they never see each other again ever. I don't know. Either way, it doesn't really matter. This movie was fucking awesome, go see it so that they make another one.

Jelani's Take!

Real Steel was awesome. Plain and simple, it was a well-made movie from start to finish. I think that something can be said to the fact that regardless of its predictability, the story remained exciting and engrossing throughout. It's a tale you know very well by now; the underdog fights his (or in this case, its) way to the top, overcoming the myriad obstacles in the way. I found myself really rooting for the characters to come out on top in this one, and it was charming as hell. Oh! And robots beat the shit  out of one another. That's cool any way you slice it. All of the robots were unique and intricately designed, and it didn't hurt to have some Spielberg money to smooth the entire ensemble over and make it look as realistic as possible. Huge Ackman and whoever the hell that kid is play off each other flawlessly, with snappy banter and all around good chemistry. The fights are all great throughout. Diverse arenas, opponents, and stakes make for an entertaining experience that kept me awake the whole time. Wolverine as a deadbeat father and robot boxing buff gets 5 big stars in my book!

Overview
Rating: 5 out of 5 Gyro Pizzas
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: "Fortress" by Brian

5 out of 5 intestinations

I had never heard of this movie, even with a star studded cast of Christopher Lambert (that guy from Highlander) and your favorite mean dad, Kurtwood Smith (Red from That 70's Show).  It even had Clifton Collins Jr, whom I immediately recognized as Tack from one of my favorite movies, The Stoned Age.  This movie takes place in a horrifying republican future where having a second child is illegal, but having an abortion is also illegal, leading to a prison filled with pregnant women.  The main dude gets caught trying to smuggle himself and his pregnant wife into Mexico, landing both of them in future prison.  Not only are the prison sentences ridiculously long in the future, they also put a little mechanical ball (intestinator) in your stomach and if you fuck up, you get "intestinated", potentially to death.  There's also this badass laser robot that will blow a fucking hole straight through you.  But wait there's more! in this prison they make it really easy to kill yourself (or others) by putting automatic intestinate lines all over and leaving huge cliffs for you to fall off everywhere.  I was thoroughly entertained as I watched Lambert try to figure out a way to save his wife and child before his baby is turned into a mechanical Borg looking dude.  Lambert winds up getting hold of this awesome machine gun and kills the shit out of like 30 Borgs (some super humans they turned out to be.)  In the end there's a massive explosion which really ties it up nicely.  This is a lost classic, would watch again.

Clifton Collins Jr.

Special Recommendation Movie Review - "Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil" by Ryan

I got to see this movie for free since my friend Mike works at a movie theater where it was playing. Also, he got me a free soda so that was cool too. But anyway, about this movie. Let me start by saying, it was fucking hilarious. "Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil" is a dark comedy about two hillbillies who head up to their vacation cabin in the woods for a weekend of manly excursions, such as fishing and chopping wood. At the same time, there are these dumb college kids camping out in the very same woods. When the dumb college kids see these two creepy hillbillies they just automatically assume that they're going to get murdered to death by them. Which, of course, is not the case; Tucker and Dale are actually really nice and normal dudes. When one of the college kids accidentally falls and hits her head, Tucker and Dale take her up to their cabin and tend to her wounds. Meanwhile, the college kids think that they've kidnapped and are torturing their friend. What ensues is a chain of hilarious misunderstandings and accidental suicides, which totally freaks everyone out. The college kids think that Tucker and Dale are picking off their friends one by one. Tucker and Dale think the college kids took some sort of crazy suicide pact and they're just killing themselves all over their property. It's great. And it's very well written. And there's lots of blood and gore! But it all would have gone to crap if it weren't for the two guys that play Tucker and Dale, Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine respectively. Both of them are funny, likable, and believable hillbillies. Great job, guys! Can't wait for the sequel!*

Rating: 5 bloody torsos (out of 5)

*Not joking, they're actually making a sequel.

VHS Review "Friday the 13th Part 2" by Brian

5 burlap sack masks (out of 5)

The second in the Friday the 13th series is actually better than the first.  In this movie, Jason's doing the killing himself, and he is PISSED! Totally ignoring the fact that like 10 people were brutally murdered five years before, some new hippyish dude decided to start another summer camp at camp Crystal Lake.  Think no ones getting murdered this time?  Hell no!  The best part of the movie was all the cut-off thermals that the chicks were wearing.  The saddest part is when this wheel chair dude is totally about to get laid when all of a sudden hes machete'd down a flight of stairs.  I loved this movie, this is a VHS that might almost be worth TWO dollars! chi chi chi, hah hah hah hah.

VHS Review "Friday the 13th" by Brian

5 misused gardening tools (out of five)

I'm going to be experimenting with new rating systems, so stick with me.  I want to send a special thanks to our buddy at the transformers/ metal shirt store (Ill get the name of the store eventually), who hooked it up with a huge bag of VHS including Friday the 13ths 1-8 (excluding 5).  I had never seen this classic but man, was this movie awesome.  Friday the 13th is about super skinny hot 80's chicks who run around in their underwear trying not to get brutally murdered, mostly without much luck.  Its also about yelling "finish the job! what are you doing!?, pick up that knife and make sure....OH NO ITS TOO LATE OH YOU GUNNA GEEEEET IT!!"  The first Jason movie, this movie is a must-see for anyone who likes horror.

Special Recomendation Movie Review "Dagon" by Brian

5 NHCS out of 5

[N.H.C.S.]

This movie was recommended to me by my Movie Crew accomplice, Ryan.  It is based on H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow over Innsmouth and they kept it accurate to the story, except for the setting.  The fish people look creepy and slimy, just as they should.  This movie had it all: tentacles, naked hot chick sacrifices, and a whole church destroying scene.  I would totally watch this one again, 4 apples, not one fucking worm.  Cthulhu Fhtagn!