Suplimental Movie Night Review: The Dark Night Rises (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
What a load of crap!  After everyone lost their shit for The Dark Night, I was expecting Hollywood to pull out all the stops for the final installment of this decade's Batman trilogy.  Instead, all I got was Christian Bale mopping around his mansion and bitching.  "Have sex with rich, attractive women and then go use awesome gadgets to fight evil?  No thanks, my knee hurts."  Come on! Maggie Jullenhal is a 6, tops, go have an 8 supermodel coke-fueled orgy, isn't that what being a billionaire is all about?  half the movie isn't even about Batman, its about some cop, who loves orphans.  Its all "orphans this, orphans that, I want to be like Bruce Wayne, hes an orphan." Enough with the orphans, just join a street gang and stop complaining already. Eventually, Wayne decides he wants to be Batman again (surprise!) and goes to Morgan Freeman to see what new gadgets hes got, which turns out to only be a stupid looking helicopter, nothing else.  No sneaking around in this movie, just shooting lasers out of the helicopter thingy and punching dudes in the face.  Rises totally skips the entire detective and problem solving aspect of the Batman character.  Also, everyone in the movie already knows Bruce Wayne is Batman, everyone he meets is like, "Hi Bruc-*cough* Batman, lol, my bad *wink*." On to the abysmal dragged along plot.  The villain is Bane, who, according to the Batman cartoon I watched as a kid, is supposed to be addicted to a substance called Venom which makes him super strong, bulgey, and an all together crazy 'roid raged out mother fucker.  Unfortunately, in the film, hes pretty much just a normal guy whose only power is being slightly better fighter than Batman, and wearing a modified scuba diver's breathing aperatus which does.......something unexplained.  What really bothered me is how after the first fight where Bane beats Batfag's ass to an inch of his life, all Batman has to do is a couple of pull-ups and sit-ups and BAM! fighter level increased thrice-fold.  The movie was way too long with too much side character development (no one cares about your shitty fantasies, Alfred, go make me a fucking a sandwich!)   Bane is a weak super villain, with no clear motives behind his actions except simply being mad about being thrown in jail, boo-hoo.  The opening scene of this movie is the only one worth watching, 2 whiny Batmans out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
While Brian raises a number of interesting and surprisingly valid points, I can't help but feel like he's being a little too harsh with his ratings system. Granted, "The Dark Knight Rises" is certainly not as great as "The Dark Knight" and possibly not even on the same level as "Batman Begins," but it's still a relatively good movie. Certainly worthy of more than just 2 measly Batmans out of 5. For starters, "The Dark Knight Rises" does a fantastic job of combining the best aspects of the critically-acclaimed "Knghtfall" story line from the comic books. Maybe it's just the huge nerd in me, but watching Tom Hardy's Bane effortlessly snap Batman's back on the big screen sent a few shivers down my own spine. Not to mention all of those awesome IMAX shots of bridges and buildings  and football stadiums exploding. I think the only real problem that I had with the film was Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. First of all, they don't ever even call her Catwoman at any point in the movie. Secondly, she has absolutely no cats in her apartment. But besides all that is the fact that her character was just not necessary to the story in any way. Even when you think she's about to do something cool and interesting, the movie cuts to someone else doing something cooler and more interesting than she'd ever be capable of. For example, there's that part when Catwoman is sent to Blackgate (a penitentiary filled with Gotham's most evil men) and you think "Oh, this is going to be pretty sweet. Catwoman is totally going to kill some rapists or something!" But no! All she does is twist that one guy's hand and then she's released by Bane! Overall, I'd say that "The Dark Knight Rises" is a terrific ending to a terrific trilogy. However, the fact that the film consistently makes references to both of the previous films sort of takes away from the originality of this one. It's kind of like "Hey! Remember how good those other two movies were?" Also, Brian's right. Fuck John Blake. 

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 whiny Batmans
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

Tuesday Review: The Amazing Spider-Man

Jelani's Take:
Well, I was really excited for this one, as Peter Parker's High school time has never been thoroughly covered on the big screen. Of course, my comic book nerd-dom left me completely unimpressed, as Marc Webb decided that his "original" take on Spider-Man's origin is better than the canonical story that Steve Ditko and Stan Lee created decades ago. I understand the desire to update certain franchises in order to make it more accessible to a younger generation, but without a groundbreaking or wholly original plot (like X-Men: First Class for example), the entire thing really just falls short. What resulted in this case were two-dimensional characters that I found myself not really caring for. Sure, the "coincidences" that were thrown in to fix the huge plot gaps made enough sense, but it felt like a forced rewiring of a perfect system, instead of an organic evolution of one of my favorite characters of all time; Peter Parker. Whoa... I feel myself getting long winded on this one; I just shed a tear. Anyway! In the movie, Peter Parker gets picked on. Great. He has a thing for Gwen Stacy. Great. He gets bitten by a spider, except it really ties into his parents' secret line of work with radioactive spiders? Okay... I can buy it. The problems though, are that Peter is way to confident here. Way too dreamy, and is bound to be a fucking supervillain because: wait for it... He never fucking learns that with great power comes great responsibility! Throughout the movie, Spider-Man goes around hunting his uncle's killer. He never finds him, and instead beats up the Lizard, who is trying to destroy the city. There's a HUGE problem with that plot alone. His anger towards his uncle's killer is never resolved, he never learns any life lessons, and effectively fails to come of age in this story. The entire point of the original Peter Parker story is that he comes of age. It's the classic coming of age story. There's tragedy and heroic moments and tons and tons of failures and in the end, he finally becomes a man and starts dealing with life and his superpowers in a very responsible and caring way. In this movie, there is no conflict. No teenager torn, no love story haunted by demons, just a sappy teen-romance that is coated with Spider-Powers and a supervillain. The CGI was pretty cool though, and the fight scenes were fast-paced and sharp. I liked Captain Stacy, as his characterization was the only one that matched the original depiction. If you've never heard the story of Peter Parker, then I suppose this movie will seem like a triumph to you. It has a concise layout, and there is the illusion of character growth throughout. But if you know Peter Parker, then you're in for two weird hours with strangers. Spider-Man's "untold story" would be better off staying that way. The plot left me unimpressed but for looking cool, I'll give it 2 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
The main problem that I had with "The Amazing Spider-Man" is that it just wasn't different enough from the original "Spider-Man" to even warrant it being made in the first place. There was just so much time wasted on unnecessary back story; it takes literally an hour before we even see Peter Parker become a full-fledged Spider-Man. Like we all already know how he becomes Spider-Man, there isn't a single person on the planet who doesn't know that. I mean, the other movie just came out like ten years ago. They could have summed up all of that origin story in a quick animation during the opening credits and then jumped right into Peter Parker already being Spider-Man! Ugh! Anyway. Since Jelani already went over why "The Amazing Spider-Man" was not as amazing as it should have been, I'll highlight some of the better aspects of the film. First of all, I think Andrew Garfield made for a pretty good Spider-Man. He's more quippy than Tobey Maguire and he uses his webs a hell of a lot more. In fact, that was one of the main things that they did right. Peter Parker making and designing his own web shooters with his own genius brain trumps Peter Parker miraculously developing his own webbing inside of his body somehow any day of the week. The Lizard was also pretty terrific, even though I would have liked it more if he wasn't able to speak. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have him actually wearing the labcoat for more than a few seconds. But that's just the huge nerd inside me talking. Overall, I felt that "The Amazing Spider-Man" was very underwhelming. Often times I found myself feeling bored, which is not something that I should ever feel during a FUCKING SPIDER-MAN MOVIE. FUCK. However, the action sequences were pretty cool to look at and the acting was pretty decent. If I were to watch this movie again, I'd most likely just fast-forward through all of the kissing and touching faces. Hopefully, the next two movies dwell less on the teenage romance and more on the supervillain fights.

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 unnecessary reboots
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Surprisingly no, Brian did

Tuesday Review: Prometheus (2012)

Brian's 2-cents:
Prometheus is an action movie disguised as a science fiction film.  As an avid sci-fi fan, I was disappointed by the lack of explanation of the themes in this film and left with more questions then I went in with.  I was hoping for a mind blowing tale of scientists discovering the origin of mankind, but instead I just saw some people getting torched with flame throwers.  The movie wasn't bad, I can't complain about a chick giving herself an alien abortion, but I didn't root for the main character the way I did for Ripley in Alien. Character development was thrown out the window and there was no twist at the end whatsoever. The plot was totally predictable and there were huge plot holes (why didn't the geologist who made the map have a copy of it himself?) The aliens are muscular albinos, little penis snakes, and a squid; no claws, no mouths in mouths, no nothing! The "hows" and "whys" which make science fiction such an interesting genre were ignored. Why and how did the albinos create human life? Why and how did they plan on destroying the human race? Why and how did they find the black goo? Why and how did they go extinct themselves? I got the fiction but where was the SCIENCE?!  I almost want to give this 2 out of 5 but the visual effects were stunning as promised, which drags Prometheus up to a measly 3 out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
I honestly don't understand why this movie is getting such a bad wrap. It's fun, interesting, exciting at times, and really nice to look at. Sure there are some pretty big plot holes, but couldn't the same be said about lots of other movies? Plus, there's obviously going to be a sequel so whatever was not explained in this movie will most likely be addressed in the next one. Honestly, "Prometheus" is at least five times better than most of the schlock-fests that get released nowadays. It's a unique take on the tried and true story of a space expedition gone wrong. Of course, "Prometheus" comes complete with terrifying creatures, awesomely-advanced technology, and a star studded cast. Noomi Rapace is terrific as leading lady Elizabeth Shaw, alongside the likes of Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, and Guy Pearce as a really old guy. But it's Magneto (Michael Fassbender), who plays the devious android David, that truly steals the show. If you loved "Alien" and you're not a stickler for science like Brian is, you will without a doubt be entertained by this movie.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 muscular albinos
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

Tuesday Review: Battleship

Brian's 2-Cents:
After seeing the preview a thousand times, it was killing me to know how exactly they were planning on making a movie out of a board game.  My question was finally answered as I sat through Battleship just barely keeping myself from falling asleep.  Watching Battleship is like watching an explosion compilation spliced with Navy commercials.  Although lousy with explosions, I found myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat trying to find a way to stay awake.  The biggest issue I have with the movie is the serious under-powering of the alien ships' weapons.  Here's a giant robotic craft which can travel faster than the speed of light, yet whose main weapons system is poorly aimed explosive pegs.  Sure, it kept to the board game theme, but that was about the only similarity between the game and the movie.  Overall, I was disappointed with Battleship because it was just so damn cheesy.  This is one of those movies where you just fast forward through all the talking parts because the plot is so self explanatory and non-twisty that I'm surprised they decided to pay real actors at all, 3 out of 5 spiky beards.

Ryan's Retort:
The climax of "Battleship" is literally the juxtaposition of a large black man with no legs fist-fighting a bearded alien and a group of ten grown men struggling desperately to carry one missile down a hallway. I think that pretty much sums up the tone of this movie: utterly ridiculous and way too serious for its own good. This movie makes absolutely no sense, despite its best efforts to over-explain every little detail of the laughably predictable plot. Why they felt the need to make it over two hours is beyond me, but I digress. The characters are all unlikeable (except for Liam Neeson who has literally 15 minutes of screentime), the dialogue is cheesy (not in a good way), and the aliens aren't even that cool. In fact, the only redeeming quality of "Battleship" is the special effects. The sea battles, as well as the land battles, look scarily real and so do the countless explosions. With that said, I have no intention of watching this movie ever again. 

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 spiky beards
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yep. Even though he drank two coffees beforehand.

Tuesday Review: John Carter

Watch The Trailer HERE


Jelani's Take:
John Carter kind of sprung up out of nowhere for me. My nerdiness apparently has giant gaps in it, for I have never heard of this heroic protagonist before. For those of you still in the dark as I was, John Carter is a pretty popular character created by sci-fi writer Edgar Rice Burroughs. As such, John Carter has seen his fair share of publicity in various mediums throughout the years. Still though, I went into this movie not knowing a single thing about it other than that there was some guy named John Carter who would fight giant ape monster things. And that he did! From start to finish, this Disney epic was a wonder to behold. Everything about the film screamed Disney and it felt like a live action iteration of the animated films that we have all loved for years. That being said, Disney sure has been around the block a few times. Regardless of its PG-13 rating, it oozed sex and violence throughout. Even though the blood was blue, it was plentiful and the action scenes are what made this movie so damned cool. But before I digress, let me give you the lowdown. John Carter, a loner and a jaded confederate Virginia calvaryman who is inexplicably transported to Mars after coming into contact with a higher-level being (who turns out to be a group of serious douchebags, and the main conflict in the movie, but whatever you'll see.) wielding a mysterious amulet. On Mars, Carter is super strong and can jump super high. These powers and more are bestowed unto him by the great god Odin who lives on Mars fighting Sutur for territory for all eternity. Or as Brian explained it, there's some magical gravitational anomalies in the science structure of Mars. Just kidding. Aaaaanyway, he immediately comes into contact with the native aliens, the Tharks and is taken in by their leader. As it turns out, Mars is on the brink of total chaos, as the battle-torn planet is being ravaged by two warring factions. John Carter, thrown into the middle of this mess becomes an epic hero and winds up leading the Tharks against the hidden growing threat that is causing the conflict. I know that that's probably the worst synopsis ever, but it's actually a pretty great and absorbing story. Mars itself looks spectacular, and the architecture and vehicle designs are all beautiful to behold. The characters are all sexy and stylish in their half-attire, and the beasts of the planet are all awesome-looking to say the least. There are some great twists and tragic moments, and a hell of a character development in the protagonist throughout. My only qualm is that the boring scenes are long... And boring. I actually found myself nodding off for a couple of the scenes involving the conflicts of the space princess Dejah Thoris (which, actually drove a lot of the plot) or the deep love/lust eye rape scenes between her and Carter. I missed a couple of important plot moments while snoozing, but Ryan kept me up enough to catch 90% of this otherwise amazing movie. Disney never really disappoints, do they? For wide-screen action and a hell of a fun movie experience, JCoM gets a solid 4 stars. I'd see it again, and I highly recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
This movie got such a bad rap opening weekend and I have no idea why. Andrew Stanton, best known for directing "WALL-E" and "Finding Nemo," does a terrific job with his first live action feature film. There's not much that I can say that Jelani hasn't already covered. But I will shadow what he said about the boring scenes being boring. The majority of the film is thrilling and interesting, but when it comes down to the romance between John Carter and Princess Whats-Her-Face we just don't care. And the reason we don't care is because their relationship is extremely underdeveloped. The only reason they're drawn to each other in the first place is because they both wanna bang. Which is totally understandable, just don't try to mask that emotion as "love" when these two characters barely even know each other. While I'm on the topic of underdevelopment, John Carter's character is tad underdeveloped as well. It's never really made clear what he wants until the very end of the movie. Typically, a protagonist needs to have a clear set goal and then embarks on a path to achieve said goal. John Carter's goal, or lack thereof, is constantly changing and never truly defined. Which would account for the really boring scenes towards the end of the second act. However, the action and sci-fi mythos does more than make up for this small hiccup in an otherwise fantastic movie. Also, Willem Dafoe has a really cool alien voice.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 giant ape monster things
Did Jelani Fall Alseep: A little bit.

Tuesday Review: Chronicle (2012)

Brian's Two-Cents:
Chronicle is about 3 teens from the local high school who mysteriously inherit telekinetic powers after dicking around near some kind of extraterrestrial (or maybe extra-planar) pointy thing.  The three affected kids are a popular kid, a not so popular kid, and a social leper.  The students overcome their status differences to hone their new-found powers, which, along with their friendship, get exponentially stronger over time.  Chronicle is interestingly filmed, in that all the shots are from the different characters personal cameras.  As the boys' powers increase to almost god-like levels, they face internal conflicts that end up in awesome telekinetic battles.  This movie really got creative with all the cool shit you can do with telekinetic powers, like flying and ripping people teeth out of their skulls.  With all the crappy and cliche sci-fi movies coming out these days, Chronicle is a pleasant deviation from the norm, 4/5.


Ryan's Retort:
What do you get when you take the best aspects of the found footage genre and the best aspects of the superhero genre, lock them in a room, and force them to have sex with each other? Answer: this movie. Chronicle is without a doubt the best superhero film of the year so far. I'm sure that Avengers will be way better, but that's besides the point. What I found most interesting about Chronicle is the brilliant way they incorporated the cameraman into the film, making him a unique and likable character who eventually gains the ability to move the camera around with his mind. This allows for some pretty awesome camera tricks, whilst simultaneously staying true to the found footage parameters. However, there were some downsides to the film. For instance, that whole cutesy videographer girl storyline is completely unnecessary and uninteresting. I have a sneaking suspicion that they just needed to have another camera-wielding character in the movie. Also, the main character tends to come off as a whiny little bitch a little too often for my taste. But when that whiny little bitch finally turns into an evil whiny little bitch, shit gets fucking serious.

Jelani Agrees:
I agree.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 floating cameras
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Fuck no.

Tuesday Review: The Grey (2012)

Watch the trailer here!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Grey stars the always serious Liam Neeson as a depressed wolf killer who struggles for survival when his plane full of middle aged men crashes and sets him in a frozen wasteland inhabited by a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. This movie is depressing as fuck, as one by one the middle-aged men get their faces mauled off by the relentless pack.  The long shots of endless winter wasteland helps drive in the truly hopeless odds the men are faced against.  The wolves are super sneaky, and there are a couple of pop-out moments which made me jump.  The acting is fantastic, but the movie is mostly that, talking.  There was a little too much crying over families and not enough bare knuckle wolf boxing for my taste.  This movie is more about what happens when people are put into a crisis situation than a lesson in how to fight wolves, which I was expecting.  A Black Metal soundtrack would have made this one a lot better, 3/5.

Ryan's Retort: 
This movie was awesome. Brian just didn't like it because he hates feelings. Granted, it would have been cool to see a little more wolf fighting. The trailer makes it seem like Liam Neeson is going to be killing lots and lots of wolves with his bare hands, but in actuality he only kills like 2 and a half. However, that doesn't mean that Liam Neeson is not as badass in this as he is in every other movie he's ever been in. I mean, come on. He's a guy that specializes in hunting and killing wolves. There's this one line that he has that goes something like, "I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds. Your teeth will be knocked in and you'll be drinking your own blood." I don't know about you, but I could listen to Liam Neeson explain things forever. In fact, there's another scene where Liam Neeson explains what death feels like to a dying man. "Look at me. Listen to my voice. You are going to feel a warm sensation overcome your body. Who do you love? Think of her." It's crazy. Every death scene in this movie is uncomfortably real and somewhat disturbing. Speaking of somewhat disturbing, there's this one part when a guy hacks off a wolf's head and triumphantly holds it in the air. Oh, did I say disturbing? I meant "really cool". Also, there were these fucking sweet shots of Liam Neeson literally being pulled out of his lovelorn dreams and tossed into the cold, harsh reality that surrounds him. It's hard to explain, but it's great. Trust me. The only problem I had with The Grey was that it felt a tad bit too long. Towards the end of the second act, our interest starts to fade and that's about when all the characters start talking about suicide and what not. It's sort of a snooze fest. But overall, I highly recommend this movie. If you like Liam Neeson, wolves, Liam Neeson fighting wolves, or snow, then go see The Grey!

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 wolf heads
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yeah, that dingus didn't even show up.

Tuesday Double Feature Review Part 1: Mission Impossible - Ghost Protical

Brian's 2-Cents: 
Just when you thought this franchise was done, Mission Impossible 4 comes out, by this time, since he's 3 out of 3 on impossible missions, you think the higher ups would start calling them Mission Hard or Mission Barely Doable.  On this barely doable mission, Ethan Hunt has to stop a mad physicist from launching a nuclear missile.  This time, Cruise is teamed up with Simon Pegg, the guy from The Hurt Locker, and of course, a hot chick.  Of course all 4 team members spent a good amount of their time beating people up and running away from explosions.  This movie was pretty predictable, but the cool slightly-slightly-into-the-future technology was entertaining, as were the extra long and punishing fight scenes.  I appreciated how there was no extraneous romantic plot, Tom Cruise was all like "my wife is dead, fuck it!"  This movie was entertaining but not memorable, I'm getting a little jaded from watching Tom Cruise run away from explosions, 3/5.


Ryan's Retort: 
Going into this movie, having seen exactly none of its predecessors, I can definitely say that this latest installment of impossible missions is exhilarating. Although I'm having a hard time remembering specifics, I did thoroughly enjoy the film while I was watching it. The stakes are super high in this movie from the get go. We first meet Tom Cruise as he's escaping from a high security prison for some reason. From then on, its fast-paced action sequence after action sequence. Also, this time around Tom Cruise has to work with a team. That's cool. Simon Pegg is hilarious as per usual. I'm glad that he passed his field test, because otherwise I probably wouldn't like this movie as much. Overall, Ghost Protocol is comprised of lots of pulse-pounding, somewhat forgettable scenes with little to no character development. The best, and most memorable, part of this movie is when Tom Cruise is scaling the outside of this huge building with nothing but one high-tech magnetic glove. Apparently, Tom Cruise did his own stunts including that crazy scene. To which I say, "Neat-o."

Overview
Rating:  3 out of 5 barely doable missions
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: Drunken Master (1978)

By Brian
5/5

I don't watch many Kung-Fu movies, but I think that's about to change.  Drunken Master is the movie that made Jackie Chan famous, its so old that he is actually credited as Jacky Chan (wonder why he changed it.)  From the first scene, where Chan takes a dudes hat off and plays keep away while beating him up, you can clearly see Chan's amazing ability to mix humor into his Kung-Fu.  The first scene had me giggling even though I was sitting at home alone.  The story of the movie was a little hard to understand because I have a crappy old vhs with heavily Italian-accented dubs, but it didn't matter because the movie is almost all action. What I did understand is that Drunken Master is Jacky Chan trying to save his rich daddy against an assassin named "Thunderbird" whose best line is "I'm going to kick your ass off!"  In order to defeat Thunderbird, Chan has to train with an old drunk to learn his drunken techniques.  The old master kicks ass, the dude must be pushing 80, but he fights like a pro.  Chan and the old master are stellar at kicking peoples asses with chairs, sticks, bottles, and everything else they can get their hands on.  Contrary to popular belief, Chan can also pull off Kung-Fu comedy without props, especially while using his "Lady Style Technique."  This movie was a perfect mesh of comedy and action, and at only 80 minutes, kept me at the edge of my Paxton the entire time. This was a flawless movie, so I'm giving it a flawless score of 5 out of 5.

Tuesday Review: "Tower Heist" (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Tower Heist is an action/comedy about what happens when a bunch of minimum wage shmucks who work at a fancy Manhattan apartment building get fucked over by a corrupt hyper-wealthy buisness man. Starring in the mediocreness is Ben Stiller, as Josh, the mastermind; Eddie Murphy, as Slide, the experienced criminal; and Matthew Broderick, as Mr. Fitzhugh, the unfortunate bankrupt math wiz.  The only other notable character (sorry Casey Affleck) is Odessa, played by Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious which I'm still crying over) who plays the stereotypical Caribbean maid.  Tower Heist seems to be specifically aimed at New Yorkers because they kept making references to places like Forest Hills in Queens.  I felt like if you weren't a native New Yorker, a good amount of the jokes would be lost on you.  Also, I hate when movies shoot on MTA trains because the last thing I want to think about when I'm trying to watch a movie is how fucked up the L train is going to be later.  The most funny comedian in the movie was clearly Eddie Murphy, and I was glad to see that he still had it.  The chemistry between Murphy, Stiller and Broderick is good, but the jokes in this PG-13 movie were just too general and toned-down to induce more than a chuckle out of me.  In our post movie wrap up/ cigarette, the Movie Crew decided that although the movie flowed and wasn't boring, we wouldn't want to watch it again, giving this film a final score of 3/5.

Jelani's Take:
This comedy just makes it. After a depressing first half where characters and settings are established (the setup is grim at best), the jokes start to come. Tower Heist is one of those borderline comedies, where quirky situations and funny actors are what save the overall film from taking itself too seriously. The chemistry worked, and the pure ridiculousness of the situations these Joes put themselves in made for some hilarious riffs. I felt as if I was watching improv at some points, as the entire cast pretty much decided to comedically wing-it through an Oceans 11 level heist. ("Ok, I heard penthouse robbery!") It also felt as if the jokes weren't actually written as much as they were simply conceived out of the air that surrounded the funnymen. The chemistry was all there. The dialogue was as snappy as a comic book's, and the zany antics that happened throughout the entire robbery kept the film fresh throughout. Overall though, there was nothing oustandingly memorable about Tower Heist. It was entertaining and witty, but it really didn't wow me. It took the very real theme of recession in the capital city of the world, and turned it on its head. For teaching me that grand larceny in NY penthouses isn't as hard as i had originally thought, tower heist gets a very solid 3 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
It's good to see Eddie Murphy in a non-cartoon movie in which he's only playing one person again. After Norbit and Shrek 4 I was beginning to think that he'd lost it. But Tower Heist proves that the Beverly Hills Cop still has comedic chops out the wazoo. As soon as he comes on screen, the entire movie is lifted up out of the dark, depressing place that it starts off in. Murphy admittedly has many of the film's best one-liners, i.e. "I'mma be inside having sex with Rita" and "Lesbians always have the best tits", but he delivers them with such an accute sense of timing that it's no wonder he's so god damn famous. Tower Heist is basically the love child of heist movies, like Ocean's Eleven, and comedic revenge movies, like Horrible Bosses. It's great in that there's an ensemble cast of talented actors that each plays a key role in the plan to steal things from the Tower. However, what's different about this heist movie is that the characters don't necessarily stick to their plan due to various unforeseen obstacles that get in their way during the actual heist. By which I mean that they're eventually forced to steal an entire car from the top floor of a very tall building during work hours. Talk about impossible! Overall, I had a great time watching this movie. I went in with really low expectations and I came out mildly entertained. And isn't that all we ever really want out of a movie?

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 New York jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

M.C. Enjoying Pepperoni and Motz Beef Patties, courtesy of Luigi's Pizza and Margarita for the pic

Tuesday Review: Immortals (2011)

Poseidon was the coolest

Watch the Trailer here:
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2905447705/

Brian's 2-cents:
After we all agreed Tuesday is the best night of the week, the Movie Crew went to the fancy shmancy Zigfield theater, thus completing the trifecta of NYC Clearview cinemas. Immortals is the much anticipated movie made by the same dudes who did 300.  The movie is about a man named Theseus, who is trained by Zeus to be one badass fighting machine.  When King Hyperion, played by the scratchy voiced Mickey Rourke shows up and kills his mom, Theseus vows revenge.  Rourke's character is trying to find a magical bow so he can release the titans.  I'm going to let my fellow Crew members elaborate further and just go on to telling you the highs and lows.  The action was in true 300 style, with jacked dudes (and one lady) decapitating, impaling, bifricating and generally spilling blood all over ancient (Greece).  The most original concept in this film was how the gods fought with super human speed and did like 30d6 + 50  damage (that's a lot for you who don't play D&D) with every blow.  During the first divine intervention, Apollo comes down from Olympus and literally explodes all these soldiers' heads off (while using his super-speed) with his awesome hammer.  What took away from this film was the story.  I just didn't care about Theseus like how I did for Leonidus in 300.  Also, instead of colossal titans from the actual myths, each with different personalities and abilities, the titans in Immortals were human sized and all identical, and they didn't even talk or use magic.  This was an action packed and extremely visually stimulating movie, but in the end, I felt like I wanted a little bit more epicness.

Jelani's Take:
In this giant-sized spectacular edition of Movie Crew Tuesday, we saw an epic movie on an epic screen at the Zigfeld. Now, usually, I am a bit reluctant to see movies in 3D, seeing as any fast-paced scenes are totally lost in the blurry sea of shadows that the screen spews out at me. For the first time though, 3D really and truly worked wonders. The signature slow-motion, highly polished approach that has become synonymous with the director (Tarsem Singh) looks gorgeous in 3D, and the ancient Greek setting allowed for some stunning panoramic views throughout. Everything in this movie was BIG. Every shot was a widescreen painting, and the larger-than-life concepts at play felt right at home within this setting. What really got me from the beginning was the fight choreography. From the first flash of the blade, every battle sequence played out like a brutal ballet. Especially in the battle scenes towards the end, the large battle scenes flowed with a great balance finesse and action. The story was simple enough, and needed little reinforcement: Zeus raises this orphan because he thinks that he is cool. It is up to this guy, Theseus to take down this really brutal conqueror who is trying to Ghengis Khan the shit out of the world. The gods don't like this douche, but can't interfere in the goings on of man. Blah, blah blah. What got me was that these gods, although they possessed some pretty cool feats, were pretty toned down. They were just really jacked dudes. I was expecting some higher-level godly stuff, like, at least turn giant or something. Or command the elements, or something. Poseidon was by far the most badass, as he took out the most dudes and used his godly powers the most. Other than the not-so-great gods, this movie had it all. The whole 300 thing happened again, except there were gods involved. End. I'm happy. The pleasure of viewing such a meticulously crafted piece of motion art is worth the price of admission, as this guy knows his way around a fucking green-screen. If you liked 300 and Watchmen, you're in for a real treat with Immortals. For widescreen brutal beauty, 300 Part Deux gets 4 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
Immortals was everything that I've come to expect from a big budget blockbuster based on a Greek myth. It had action, romance, suspense, slow motion decapitations, and a lot of really silly hats. I mean, the minotaur wasn't even a minotaur. Just a big dude wearing a bull's head mask made out of barbed wire. Which was cool, but nowhere near as cool as an actual minotaur would have been. The same can be said for all of the mythological entities depicted in this movie. When you think of deities such as Zeus and Poseidon, I'm sure you picture big, burly men with huge beards and long, flowing robes. However, in Immortals they look like this:

That's Poseidon. Look at how fucking silly his hat is! Every single one of the Greek gods is played by an overly attractive young actor wearing close to nothing, much like the gentleman pictured above. Which doesn't make much sense to me, but whatever. It's fine. I can look past it. But what I can't look past is how Theseus, the main character, does absolutely nothing throughout the entire movie. From a screenwriter's standpoint, I know for a fact that that is the reason why this story does not work. Your main character needs to have a goal, a purpose of existence. And they need to make decisions that will ultimately effect whether or not they achieve that goal. In this movie, Theseus' goal is to exact his vengeance upon Mickey Rourke. Which then somehow transforms into finding the magical Epirus bow that shoots these awesome light arrows. Which then somehow transforms into making sure that the Titans don't get released from their prison box, located in the secret basement of this one mountain. As you can see, things get a little muddled. And to top it all off, Theseus never makes one decision on his own. Besides wanting to brutally murder Mickey Rourke of course. Every time an obstacle is put in Theseus' way, one of those overly attractive young Gods comes crashing down to Earth to save him. There is nothing about Theseus that I find interesting or likable at all. "Oh, but he's a good fighter and he loves his mom." So fucking what? I know lots of people that are good fighters who also love their moms and I don't see them starring in any movies. Be that as it may, I did honestly enjoy watching Immortals. There's this one part when this dude gets his penis crushed by a huge mallet wielding cow-man. How could you not love that? Also, blood splattering all over the place in slow motion AND in 3D? Yes. Immortals may not be a "good" movie, but it is fucking awesome to look at.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 silly hats
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Parents House Review: Green Lantern (2011)

by Brian

Green Lanturd was one of the few movies the Movie Crew failed to see this year so I decided to put five dollhairs on my parent's cable bill and check it out.  This movie got a bad rep, but I felt it was enjoyable enough to be deserve a slightly better than average score.  What is Ryan Reynolds up to this time?  As hard headed test pilot, Hal Jordan, he completely fucks over his company's big military deal and blows up a brand new plane just for funsies, then he gets a magical ring from an alien, Green Lanyard business, whatever.  The coolest part was the final battle when Reynolds makes all kinds of awesome constructs like a big ass gun and a catapult.  Also when he turned that helicopter into a hot wheels car it's fucking sick.  This movie needed a lot more action and a lot less about Hal Jordan's love life.  I'm making an official request to Hollywood to make a single superhero movie where the main character has absolutely NO LOVE INTEREST WHATSOEVER, make him a eunuch or something, I don't care.

Rating: 3 Ryan Reynolds being bad at their jobs out of 5

Dragon Movie Review: Dragon Wars (D-War) - By Ryan

Let me just go right ahead and say that this movie wasn't as awesome as one would assume it is, being that it is called "Dragon Wars". First of all, the main dragon isn't even really a dragon but more so just a very large cobra. But there are some real dragons and they do go to war with each other and what not, so don't you worry about that. Anyway, the movie starts with some random old dude telling this child about these ancient Dragon Wars and how this sect of assholes, called the Red Dragon, are constantly after this jade necklace called the Yu Yuji or something similar to that. Then we never see that old dude or that child again and we somehow get to modern day where this chick has the Yu Yuji. Then a bunch of talking stuff happens, which I don't remember because I wasn't paying attention. Then the main Dragonlord from the Red Dragon sect shows up and the huge cobra dragon starts stalking the chick with the Yu Yuji and kills several people. It isn't until the climax of the movie that things get really cool. Dragons start coming out of nowhere and attacking innocent people all over the city. They're fucking up buildings and helicopters and everything! Then there's this whole other subplot about some dude being like the chosen one or some bullshit like that. And then it ends with this majestic Chinese dragon flying off into the sunset. I probably would have been moved if I had any idea of what was going on. This movie was clearly made by a small Korean production studio, with a Korean director that does not speak any English. The editing is terrible, the acting is atrocious, and the story is really hard to follow. But man, do those dragons look good.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Yu Yujis

VHS Review: "Lock Up" by Brian

4 sweet ass cars getting destroyed with bats (out of 5)
Lock up is one of the five thousand action movies Sylvester Stallone made when he was in his prime.  In Lock Up, Stallone's character, Frank, is in jail for the second time after a daring escape from prison in order to see his dying father one last time.  With only 6 weeks to go, he is taken from nice prison and put in a shitty prison called "Gateway" run by Donald Sutherland, who Frank dicked over in the past.  Sutherland continuously tries to provoke Frank into trying to escape from jail again so he can fuck with him forever in brutal prison.  Frank is really determined to get out of jail and be with his super hot girlfriend, so he tries to resist the urge to escape.  This movie had a couple of good prison fight scenes, and two montages: and a heart-warming "fix the car" montage and a sweet "playing prison football" montage.  Stallone had a couple of hilarious one liners including "Thats Italian" (after he kisses his girl) and "Rape This" (right before he punches a dude in the face.)  However, the best line in the movie doesn't go to Stallone but to John Amos for his line: "I'm going to shine my boots with your face, you fat fuck!"  This movie was fun to watch, especially because you know Frank is going to attempt another escape, and you get to watch Stallone pretending to go crazy in solitary confinement.

VHS Review: "Fortress" by Brian

5 out of 5 intestinations

I had never heard of this movie, even with a star studded cast of Christopher Lambert (that guy from Highlander) and your favorite mean dad, Kurtwood Smith (Red from That 70's Show).  It even had Clifton Collins Jr, whom I immediately recognized as Tack from one of my favorite movies, The Stoned Age.  This movie takes place in a horrifying republican future where having a second child is illegal, but having an abortion is also illegal, leading to a prison filled with pregnant women.  The main dude gets caught trying to smuggle himself and his pregnant wife into Mexico, landing both of them in future prison.  Not only are the prison sentences ridiculously long in the future, they also put a little mechanical ball (intestinator) in your stomach and if you fuck up, you get "intestinated", potentially to death.  There's also this badass laser robot that will blow a fucking hole straight through you.  But wait there's more! in this prison they make it really easy to kill yourself (or others) by putting automatic intestinate lines all over and leaving huge cliffs for you to fall off everywhere.  I was thoroughly entertained as I watched Lambert try to figure out a way to save his wife and child before his baby is turned into a mechanical Borg looking dude.  Lambert winds up getting hold of this awesome machine gun and kills the shit out of like 30 Borgs (some super humans they turned out to be.)  In the end there's a massive explosion which really ties it up nicely.  This is a lost classic, would watch again.

Clifton Collins Jr.

Tuesday Review "Killer Elite" by Brian & Ryan

I was super psyched for this movie, unfortunately I was a little disappointed by the muddled plot and minimum amount of explosions.  Jason Statham is my favorite current action star (RIP Swayze), and everyone knows DeNiro is the man, but even with their forces combined into a double helix of pure awesomeness, I was merely entertained by this movie, not impressed.  In Killer Elite,  Statham goes around killing former S.A.S. agents to free DeNiro from some Osama looking motherfucker.  While Statham goes around smashing peoples faces in, Clive Owen tries to stop him on behalf of some illegal, yet not interesting, secret society.  The amount of factions in this movie made it really confusing since all British people look the same.  It was also difficult to know who to root for since there was no good or bad team.  The best scene in this movie is where my boy Jason fucks up two dudes while being tied to a chair, even so, wait for video.

Ryan's Retort 
Supposedly, this movie is based on a true story. I call bullshit. Now I don't know about you guys, but when I try to use a loaf of bread as a silencer for my pistol it typically does not work. This movie did not live up to the hype at all. Sure there was a cool chair fight, and a cool jacket fight, and this part where Robert DeNiro shoots a guy from all the way across a subway platform, but what good is all of that if you can't even understand what's going on? The plot of the movie is so exposition-y and boring that Jelani fell asleep literally every five minutes. Also, I didn't care about any of these characters; with the exception of maybe Robert DeNiro, who had about 15 - 20 minutes of screentime in total. Sure, you have a beautiful Australian girlfriend, Jason Statham. That's cool. But frankly, I just don't give a shit. 

Jelani's Blurry Take
Okay, I suppose I can't really give a really fair review to this, as I was snoring throughout most of the middle of it, But seriously, the movies that I fall asleep for are usually the ones not really worth seeing. Jason Statham was awesome throughout, and DeNiro was a super cool killing machine. It's just too bad that such a great cast of balls-to-the-wall sick-nasty action stars was relegated to this plot heavy flick. The story in and of itself was good enough, I suppose. The guys want out. Being that these guys are the best at what they do though, that is far easier said than done. Statham must pull off one last job to save his best bud, while lots of money is on the line and Clive Owen is trying to screw them over for some other reason. I feel that there was too much focus on espionage and moral statements in this convoluted and often confusing film. What I was expecting to see was my man Jason kicking guys in the face for hours, but instead he only did it for a few scenes. There were some pretty sound underlying messages in there about money and governmental systems and corruption and morality and all that nonsense, so if you're into that kind of stuff, you'll probably like it fine. This was by no accounts a bad movie, but rather an unpleasant surprise. It lulls at many points, but still shines in some, which is why Killer Elite gets 2 and a half snores out of 5.

Overview
Rating: 3 beautiful bald Jason Statham heads (out of five)
Did Jelani fall asleep: Yes.

VHS Review "Deep Red" by Brian

 3 apples (out of four)

This movie was an awesome scifi type action movie starring some guy who more or less looked and acted like Bruce Willis.  It also had that guy from "Saw" Tobin Bell playing his one role as creepy old man.  I was thoroughly entertained buy the grand amount of explosions, science, and people getting shot.  Definitely a solid value at $1.