After seeing the preview a thousand times, it was killing me to know how exactly they were planning on making a movie out of a board game. My question was finally answered as I sat through Battleship just barely keeping myself from falling asleep. Watching Battleship is like watching an explosion compilation spliced with Navy commercials. Although lousy with explosions, I found myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat trying to find a way to stay awake. The biggest issue I have with the movie is the serious under-powering of the alien ships' weapons. Here's a giant robotic craft which can travel faster than the speed of light, yet whose main weapons system is poorly aimed explosive pegs. Sure, it kept to the board game theme, but that was about the only similarity between the game and the movie. Overall, I was disappointed with Battleship because it was just so damn cheesy. This is one of those movies where you just fast forward through all the talking parts because the plot is so self explanatory and non-twisty that I'm surprised they decided to pay real actors at all, 3 out of 5 spiky beards.
Ryan's Retort:
The climax of "Battleship" is literally the juxtaposition of a large black man with no legs fist-fighting a bearded alien and a group of ten grown men struggling desperately to carry one missile down a hallway. I think that pretty much sums up the tone of this movie: utterly ridiculous and way too serious for its own good. This movie makes absolutely no sense, despite its best efforts to over-explain every little detail of the laughably predictable plot. Why they felt the need to make it over two hours is beyond me, but I digress. The characters are all unlikeable (except for Liam Neeson who has literally 15 minutes of screentime), the dialogue is cheesy (not in a good way), and the aliens aren't even that cool. In fact, the only redeeming quality of "Battleship" is the special effects. The sea battles, as well as the land battles, look scarily real and so do the countless explosions. With that said, I have no intention of watching this movie ever again.
Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 spiky beards
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yep. Even though he drank two coffees beforehand.
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