Suplimental Movie Night Review: The Dark Night Rises (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
What a load of crap!  After everyone lost their shit for The Dark Night, I was expecting Hollywood to pull out all the stops for the final installment of this decade's Batman trilogy.  Instead, all I got was Christian Bale mopping around his mansion and bitching.  "Have sex with rich, attractive women and then go use awesome gadgets to fight evil?  No thanks, my knee hurts."  Come on! Maggie Jullenhal is a 6, tops, go have an 8 supermodel coke-fueled orgy, isn't that what being a billionaire is all about?  half the movie isn't even about Batman, its about some cop, who loves orphans.  Its all "orphans this, orphans that, I want to be like Bruce Wayne, hes an orphan." Enough with the orphans, just join a street gang and stop complaining already. Eventually, Wayne decides he wants to be Batman again (surprise!) and goes to Morgan Freeman to see what new gadgets hes got, which turns out to only be a stupid looking helicopter, nothing else.  No sneaking around in this movie, just shooting lasers out of the helicopter thingy and punching dudes in the face.  Rises totally skips the entire detective and problem solving aspect of the Batman character.  Also, everyone in the movie already knows Bruce Wayne is Batman, everyone he meets is like, "Hi Bruc-*cough* Batman, lol, my bad *wink*." On to the abysmal dragged along plot.  The villain is Bane, who, according to the Batman cartoon I watched as a kid, is supposed to be addicted to a substance called Venom which makes him super strong, bulgey, and an all together crazy 'roid raged out mother fucker.  Unfortunately, in the film, hes pretty much just a normal guy whose only power is being slightly better fighter than Batman, and wearing a modified scuba diver's breathing aperatus which does.......something unexplained.  What really bothered me is how after the first fight where Bane beats Batfag's ass to an inch of his life, all Batman has to do is a couple of pull-ups and sit-ups and BAM! fighter level increased thrice-fold.  The movie was way too long with too much side character development (no one cares about your shitty fantasies, Alfred, go make me a fucking a sandwich!)   Bane is a weak super villain, with no clear motives behind his actions except simply being mad about being thrown in jail, boo-hoo.  The opening scene of this movie is the only one worth watching, 2 whiny Batmans out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
While Brian raises a number of interesting and surprisingly valid points, I can't help but feel like he's being a little too harsh with his ratings system. Granted, "The Dark Knight Rises" is certainly not as great as "The Dark Knight" and possibly not even on the same level as "Batman Begins," but it's still a relatively good movie. Certainly worthy of more than just 2 measly Batmans out of 5. For starters, "The Dark Knight Rises" does a fantastic job of combining the best aspects of the critically-acclaimed "Knghtfall" story line from the comic books. Maybe it's just the huge nerd in me, but watching Tom Hardy's Bane effortlessly snap Batman's back on the big screen sent a few shivers down my own spine. Not to mention all of those awesome IMAX shots of bridges and buildings  and football stadiums exploding. I think the only real problem that I had with the film was Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. First of all, they don't ever even call her Catwoman at any point in the movie. Secondly, she has absolutely no cats in her apartment. But besides all that is the fact that her character was just not necessary to the story in any way. Even when you think she's about to do something cool and interesting, the movie cuts to someone else doing something cooler and more interesting than she'd ever be capable of. For example, there's that part when Catwoman is sent to Blackgate (a penitentiary filled with Gotham's most evil men) and you think "Oh, this is going to be pretty sweet. Catwoman is totally going to kill some rapists or something!" But no! All she does is twist that one guy's hand and then she's released by Bane! Overall, I'd say that "The Dark Knight Rises" is a terrific ending to a terrific trilogy. However, the fact that the film consistently makes references to both of the previous films sort of takes away from the originality of this one. It's kind of like "Hey! Remember how good those other two movies were?" Also, Brian's right. Fuck John Blake. 

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 whiny Batmans
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

Nicolas Cage Movie Review: City of Angels (1998)

by Ryan

This movie opens on a young girl who has just died during an intense surgical operation. Her ghost appears next to her body and looks up to see Nicolas Cage, in a long black coat staring back at her. "Are you God?" the little girl asks. "No," says Nicolas Cage. "I'm Seth." "City of Angels" was recommended to me by my girlfriend who knows how much I idolize Nicolas Cage, which also happens to be the only reason I would ever even think about watching a movie like this. Well, let me be the first to say that this movie is fucking garbage. The fact that I was able to sit through it in its entirety is a testament to my love and devotion for Nicolas Cage, but I digress. In "City of Angels," Cage plays an angel named Seth Plate, who is essentially in charge of escorting freshly deceased souls to Heaven. Then one day he meets Meg Ryan and falls in love with her, turning his whole world upside down. Meg Ryan, a peppy young doctor with a heart of gold, also happens to be the only human on the planet that can see Nicolas Cage for some reason. Anyway, they start talking and eventually she finds out that he's an angel and she freaks out and Nicolas Cage is all sad and what not. Then he decides that he loves Meg Ryan so much that he's willing to give up being an angel for her. But in order for an angel to become human, they need to jump off of this one really tall scaffolding located at the center of this construction site. What comes next is probably the best part of the movie: Nicolas Cage stumbling around in his newfound human body, screaming with excitement and showing everyone his bloodied hands. After that, everything else is really boring and sentimental. The story is extremely simple and predictable, the soundtrack is atrocious, and the dialogue is incredibly unrealistic. At one point Nicolas Cage asks Meg Ryan to describe what a pear tastes like, to which she replies "It's like a sugary sand that dissolves in your mouth." Um... Meg Ryan, have you ever actually eaten a pear before?

Rating: 2 out of 5 pear metaphors

VHS Review: The Lift (1983)

By Brian
2/5

I've seen a lot of horror movies about a wide variety of evil inanimate objects, but an elevator was a new one for me.  The Lift is about an elevator mechanic who is assigned to the task of finding out whats wrong with an elevator which is acting very evilly.  Fortunately for the characters and unfortunately for the viewer, the evil elevator totally sucks at killing people, sometimes I felt it wasn't even trying to murder.  The first 30 minutes of this movie is awesome, including a sweet decapitation (the highlight of the film) but then for 45 minutes or so, you are forced to sit through an entirely murderess investigation, where the antagonist goes around talking to scientists and college professors building up the entirely self-explanatory plot until I was ready to just fast forward through the talking parts..  Only about five or six people actually die in this movie, because you have to get pretty close to an elevator for it to actually get you, it can't exactly walk around and find its own victims.  Instead wasting your 90 minutes watching this whole tape, I would recommend watching of the decapitation part on youtube and then moving on with your life, 2 evil gooey microchips out of 5.

Tuesday Review: The Dictator (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
Sacha Baron Cohen, when will you stop? The Dictator isn't so much of a comedy as it is a groaner.  As I sat through this movie, I couldn't help but continuously groan as I was forced to sit through lame joke after lame joke. Women are inferior *groan* I hate Jews *groan* etc.  Now that I think about it, The Dictator is just Borat without all the funny catchphrases. All the best jokes were given away in the preview, so I felt like I was watching this movie for the fourth time instead of the first.  Unlike Cohen's previous work, he didn't mess with any real (or actors pretending to be real) people, giving the whole film a forced feel.  The Dictator also felt a lot less risque than Cohen's previous films, I wanted to get the shit offended out of me, but instead I was just bored.

Ryan's Retort:
Despite all of the fantastic promotion that this film had received prior to its release, i.e. Sacha Baron Cohen spilling "Kim Jong Il's ashes" all over Ryan Seacrest, I found myself surprisingly disappointed by its predictability and lack of creativity. Not only did they give away all of the best parts in the trailer, but most of the other ones fell flat on their face. I suspect that this has something to do with the fact that this was the first attempt at an actual movie by Cohen and company, as opposed to just dressing up as a foreigner or a gay guy and pulling some hidden camera hijinks. In fact, most of the humor in the film seems rather forced. It's as if they were trying really hard to be offensive just for the sake of offending people, and they didn't even do a very good job of that. Hopefully, the next movie that Cohen undoubtedly produces will be streets ahead of this one. Until then, avoid "The Dictator" at all costs. That is, unless you enjoy wasting your money and your time.

Overview
Rating: 2 out of 5 Jew jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: Clownhouse (1989)

by Brian
2/5

Clownhouse is about 3 brothers who have the misfortune of running into 3 escapees from the local mental hospital, who have dressed themselves up as circus clowns.  This film invoked in me the memory that clowns actually ARE disturbingly creepy, and there's no one on this planet that enjoys clowns anymore.  Anyway, these phycho clowns spend about half the movie sneaking around these little kids without actually trying to kill them, which was frustrating because I wanted to get to the actual clownhousing.  The phycho clowns turn out to be really easy kill, and are easily thwarted by the 3 young boys.  One thing that I noticed about Clownhouse is the 3 kids, Randy, Casey, and Geoffrey, say each others names about 20 times a minute, so much so that I remembered their names without looking it up.  Clownhouse does not score high on the brutality scale, the kills are mostly bloodless, and are few and far between. Watching this movie was a clownhousedly bad time,  I nearly clownhoused my pants when it was over, 2 whorebortions out of 5.

Nicolas Cage Movie Review: Vampire's Kiss (1988)

by Ryan

The only reason I even know about this movie is because of that video of Nicolas Cage freaking out for 5 minutes. This is the movie where he's walking down the street screaming "I'M A VAMPIRE. KILL ME, I'M A VAMPIRE" in the middle of the fucking day. Now, I love Nicolas Cage. Probably more than most people. I know he can be a horrible actor sometimes, but I don't mind it because it's god damn hilarious. And that's the only reason I was able to make it through this entire movie. Nicolas Cage is so fucking bad in Vampire's Kiss that it's hard to believe that you're watching an actual movie. Like somebody paid him to be in this. There's a part in the movie when he's crying and he literally screams "BA-HOO". Twice. And it's the best thing I have ever seen. Basically, Vampire's Kiss is about Nicolas Cage thinking that he's turning into a vampire but in actuality he's just really really crazy. Kind of like George A. Romero's Martin, except it's horrible. It all starts one night when Nicolas Cage is macking it to this chick and a huge ass bat flies in through the open window. The next day, Nicolas Cage is talking to his psychiatrist and he confesses to her that when he was fighting off that bat it made him feel strangely aroused for some reason. Soon after, this mysterious vampire woman starts showing up and taking her shirt off and biting him on the neck. She does this at least three times throughout the movie. Eventually, Nicolas Cage has completely lost it. He's jumping on desks at work, chasing his secretary down the street, reciting the entire alphabet, and raping people. It's ridiculous. This was not a good movie by any means. I was tempted to turn it off multiple times whilst watching it. But Nicolas Cage is just so mesmerizingly bad that you can't help but watch the entire thing. You keep thinking to yourself, "This can't possibly get any worse." And then it gets worse. Also, Nicolas Cage makes some of the best faces I have ever fucking seen in this movie. Here's an example:

It doesn't get much better than this.

If you love Nicolas Cage, watch this movie. If you love to hate Nicolas Cage, watch this movie. If you like good movies and do not want to waste an hour and forty minutes of your life, do yourself a favor and forget this movie even exists.

Rating: 2 out of 5 BA-HOOs.

VHS Review: Red Planet (2000)

By Brian
2/5

Red Planet is about a bunch of dudes and Carrie-Anne Moss (Trinity from The Matrix) who are on the first manned mission to Mars.  Their job is to figure out why their terraforming projects on Mars have failed.  Although Moss is a lot hotter in this movie that The Matrix, this movie felt a lot like a "fix the ship" episode of Star Trek, which means it was boring for all you non-trekkies.  Red Planet is all over the place.  Its not about killer robots or aliens, but somehow those both got sneaked in there.  While I watched this movie all I could think about was how stupid everything was.  I felt like this movie should have focused more on the science, but instead its not focused at all.  Sure the astronauts get stuck on Mars and have to try and find their way out, but the characters are too shallow to care about.  The only good part of this move is the end where Val Kilmer says "Fuck this planet!" and gives it the middle finger so that the planet knows how Kilmer really feels about it.  Why did they bring the militarized robot? What are those stupid fucking bugs doing on Mars? and what kind of a first name for a dude is Val? These are questions that were unanswered by the end of the film. LAME!

Download Special: Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

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Shitty Sequel Review: Johnny English Reborn (2011) by Ryan

My little brother had off from school today, so we decided to go to the movies and see something silly. And this was indeed that. But perhaps not silly enough. Johnny English Reborn takes place several years after the original Johnny English. I think. They aren't really connected at all other than that it's the same guy. We first find our hero training somewhere in Malaysia, or Thailand or one of those other countries with monks, where he is forced to walk across coals and drag large rocks around with his penis. Then he gets a call from MI7, the British Military Intelligence, saying that they need him for some mission. So he goes to Britain and gets some super sweet spy gadgets, like a talking car and an umbrella rocket launcher, and then leaves to go stop some killer or something. I don't really remember. Eventually, we find out that there's this secret sect of assassins, called "Vortex", that is totally out to kill the prime minister of China. So Mr. Bean is put to the task of figuring out who these "Vortex" people are and how to stop them. Overall, this movie was pretty mediocre. There were some big laughs, but they were few and far between. I did really like the whole chase scene where Mr. Bean is in this awesome spy wheelchair though. The main problem with this movie is that Mr. Bean shouldn't be able to talk, let alone be a capable secret agent. He's just way funnier when he's a huge idiot and nothing else. However, I did like how he sounded exactly like Zazu from The Lion King the whole time. Or maybe that's just his regular voice. Anyway, the real star of this movie was the mysterious old Chinese woman that kept killing people without any explanation. She just kept showing up with all of these crazy spy guns and then Mr. Bean would inadvertently beat up other old women that he has mistaken for her. Plus, she's an old Chinese woman! That's hilarious!

Rating: 2 out of 5 large penis rocks.

Tuesday Review/Shittier Sequel Review: Paranormal Activity 3

Jelani's Take

So, Unlike Ryan, I have not seen the first two installments of this trilogy. How it got up to this point is beyond me, but that is besides the point. The point here is that someone, somewhere, in some dark and foreboding office made the executive decision to let this pile of crap see the light of day. The entire time, I was waiting for a climax, a plot, even a hint of some kind of overarching theme or revelation that would tie it in to the previous films, making me want to watch them. NOPE! Not even close. Instead, I sat through what seemed like 60 minutes (If I had known it would be so short, I would have stayed home and watched an episode of Star Trek: TNG, or like 4 episodes of Spongebob, Fuck!) of home movie quality "BOO!" footage. The entire premise, I suppose, is that this movie serves as a prequel to the first two films. Fine. Ok, let's do this. Oh wait, but there's no plot other than "there's a ghost that wants something and is haunting our house and family." Seriously, they don't even tell you what the fuck the ghost wants. I think this ghost, Toby wanted company. I mean, if I was a big ass invisible guy who could only hang out with a 4-year-old all the time, I'd be pretty pissed too. Yet I digress! The movie was shit. Way too short for its own good, anti-climactic, and generally unentertaining, other than a couple of scenes near the end where the ghost really cuts loose, I suppose I could say that half of the movie was pretty good, seeing as the last half hour was pretty cool and the first half hour was basically 80's home movie stock footage. I was unimpressed. A tidal wave of "WHAT!?!" washed over the entire crowd as the credits started to roll, so i think it's safe to say that everyone shared my sentiments. For one pretty cool murder, Satan worship, and a few Poltergeist-esque scenes, the normal activity of going to see a shitty new horror flick gets 2 out of 5 stars. Enjoy my money, jerks. You blue-balled me.

Ryan's Retort
Having seen the first two movies, I can say that I knew the format of this movie before it even started: nothing happens until maybe the last half hour and then some things start happening and then it's over. Well, I was exactly right. Except this time they move to a different house for the last half hour! Also, there's a Satanic old women cult. Which was pretty cool, but we really didn't learn much about it. Man, I hate to see so much potential go to waste. Just when things start getting really interesting, the credits pop up. I think they're just getting lazy now. However, I will say that I did enjoy myself despite the predictable plot and the lack of an ending. What this movie has that the other two don't are two creepy little girls! It was interesting for me to learn more about the demon ghost, named Toby apparently, and piece together exactly what it wanted from the grown up girls in the previous movies. But before I go on, what the fuck kind of demon name is Toby? That's retarded. They should have named it Abazagoroth or Demogorgon or Sammael or something even remotely demon like! Whatever. Anyway, there was this cool trick that they did by placing a camera on the oscillating part of a broken oscillating fan, which allowed for several vaguely spooky scenes. And I liked how they changed up the horror movie formula by having the wife be the skeptical one instead of the husband. Although, they did resort to some tried and true staples of the genre, i.e. pot smoking, sex taping, and a babysitter! Guess they're running out of ideas, huh? On that note, I can't wait to see what kinda bullshit they pull out of their asses for the next sequel!

Brian's Two Cents
I don't really like movies where shit pops out at you, its a cheep scare.  This movie had a couple of suspenseful parts which made me squirm, and it definitely got my heart rate going.  I liked the lack of music in this film because normally the music gives away when to be scared, but in this movie, you're never safe.  The problem with this movie is that it has no re-watch value.  I know when all the scary parts are now, so why would I ever watch this again.  Also, no explanation? that's wack! as a man of science, I need to know WHY!!!?!?!?  This movie was worth the $3 I paid for it, but you couldn't pay ME to watch it again.

Overview

Rating: 2 out of 5 "BOO! I scared yous!"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Shitty Sequel Review: Paranormal Activity 2 - by Ryan

This movie was a huge let down. I saw the first one in theaters with my dad and it actually scared the crap out of me. So as you can imagine, I had pretty high hopes for this one. I guess it doesn't help that I watched it in the middle of the day with my entire family walking around and doing shit; not the best way to watch a horror movie. But still. Nothing even happens until maybe the last half hour of the movie. Also, this family is retarded. They set up these cameras all over their house and are aware that there are spooky things going on at night, yet they rarely check the footage that they've recorded for any spooky behavior. There's this part when the baby starts floating and it's dragged out of its crib and stuff. But none of the family ever finds out about it or cares to find out about it. There's this stupid teenage daughter that has posters of "cool" bands, such as the Ramones and the Misfits, which clearly indicates that she's edgy and not a pushover when it comes to ghosts and demons and shit. But when the ghost demon shows up, she's the biggest fucking pussy ever. Don't you even care about the demon ghost trying to steal your baby brother, edgy teenage girl? Clearly not. I mean she goes back and watches the footage of the ghost demon locking her out of the house, but somehow misses the whole floating baby thing that happened right after that. Also, the whole resolution is dumb as hell. To think that a lowly Spanish maid knows exactly how to get rid of a fucking demon just because she's kinda religious is fucking preposterous! And not only does she get rid of it, but she knows how to throw it onto other people also? I find that very hard to believe.

Rating: 2 out of 5 floating babies

Dragon Movie Review: Dragon Wars (D-War) - By Ryan

Let me just go right ahead and say that this movie wasn't as awesome as one would assume it is, being that it is called "Dragon Wars". First of all, the main dragon isn't even really a dragon but more so just a very large cobra. But there are some real dragons and they do go to war with each other and what not, so don't you worry about that. Anyway, the movie starts with some random old dude telling this child about these ancient Dragon Wars and how this sect of assholes, called the Red Dragon, are constantly after this jade necklace called the Yu Yuji or something similar to that. Then we never see that old dude or that child again and we somehow get to modern day where this chick has the Yu Yuji. Then a bunch of talking stuff happens, which I don't remember because I wasn't paying attention. Then the main Dragonlord from the Red Dragon sect shows up and the huge cobra dragon starts stalking the chick with the Yu Yuji and kills several people. It isn't until the climax of the movie that things get really cool. Dragons start coming out of nowhere and attacking innocent people all over the city. They're fucking up buildings and helicopters and everything! Then there's this whole other subplot about some dude being like the chosen one or some bullshit like that. And then it ends with this majestic Chinese dragon flying off into the sunset. I probably would have been moved if I had any idea of what was going on. This movie was clearly made by a small Korean production studio, with a Korean director that does not speak any English. The editing is terrible, the acting is atrocious, and the story is really hard to follow. But man, do those dragons look good.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Yu Yujis

VHS Review: Boogie Nights (1997)

2/5

When I bought this tape for $1.08 at the Goodwill, I was thrilled because it had one of my favorite people of all time in it, John C. Reilly.  In this movie, Reilly plays Reed Rothchild, a porn star just trying to make a living boning chicks and acting silly.  One day Rothchild is just chilling at his bosses sweet ass pad with a pool and hot chicks when some new dude comes along and drinks margaritas with him.  The new dude has a big dick or something and ends up co-staring in a action/porno with Rothchild.  2 hours later, Rothchild realizes he just wanted to do magic tricks the whole time, and quits porno, the end.  This movie was way too long, the first half of the movie having no conflict at all.  When the conflict (some guy who's not John C. Reilly gets addicted to drugs) finally happens, its predictable and not that interesting.  Oh did I mention you get to see Reilly shred some sweet guitar and Don Cheadle's there.  For your Health

Review of "Moneyball" by Brian

Apples-2

This movie was really long and mediocre.  Brad Pitt has some good ass acting, but in the end, the director did a poor job of getting me to care about any of the characters.  This movie had Jonah Hill not cursing or being funny at all, his best joke being "do want this door open or closed?"  The movie got a little exciting when the team started winning, but that didn't last long.  My favorite part of this movie was all the beautifully crafted spreadsheets.  Fuck yeah spreadsheets!  Actually the best part of the movie was that actor that plays Any on parks & recs, Criss Pratt.  I fucking love Criss Pratt, he was good in this playing a non-retard role.  Go see this movie with your dad, it counts as family bonding and you don't actually have to talk to him during the film.

Jelani's Two Cents
Yeah, it was really fucking boring. I'm not much of a sports guy, but I can get into a good sports movie. That is, if it actually has games in it. Instead of the underdog team rising to the top, you have numbers and statistics. If you're really a big baseball fan, then you will undoubtedly be won over by Brad Pitt in this one, but if not, then like me, you may only stay awake for the first 45 minutes. I can't even rate this.