Nicolas Cage Movie Review: City of Angels (1998)

by Ryan

This movie opens on a young girl who has just died during an intense surgical operation. Her ghost appears next to her body and looks up to see Nicolas Cage, in a long black coat staring back at her. "Are you God?" the little girl asks. "No," says Nicolas Cage. "I'm Seth." "City of Angels" was recommended to me by my girlfriend who knows how much I idolize Nicolas Cage, which also happens to be the only reason I would ever even think about watching a movie like this. Well, let me be the first to say that this movie is fucking garbage. The fact that I was able to sit through it in its entirety is a testament to my love and devotion for Nicolas Cage, but I digress. In "City of Angels," Cage plays an angel named Seth Plate, who is essentially in charge of escorting freshly deceased souls to Heaven. Then one day he meets Meg Ryan and falls in love with her, turning his whole world upside down. Meg Ryan, a peppy young doctor with a heart of gold, also happens to be the only human on the planet that can see Nicolas Cage for some reason. Anyway, they start talking and eventually she finds out that he's an angel and she freaks out and Nicolas Cage is all sad and what not. Then he decides that he loves Meg Ryan so much that he's willing to give up being an angel for her. But in order for an angel to become human, they need to jump off of this one really tall scaffolding located at the center of this construction site. What comes next is probably the best part of the movie: Nicolas Cage stumbling around in his newfound human body, screaming with excitement and showing everyone his bloodied hands. After that, everything else is really boring and sentimental. The story is extremely simple and predictable, the soundtrack is atrocious, and the dialogue is incredibly unrealistic. At one point Nicolas Cage asks Meg Ryan to describe what a pear tastes like, to which she replies "It's like a sugary sand that dissolves in your mouth." Um... Meg Ryan, have you ever actually eaten a pear before?

Rating: 2 out of 5 pear metaphors

Nicolas Cage Movie Review: Vampire's Kiss (1988)

by Ryan

The only reason I even know about this movie is because of that video of Nicolas Cage freaking out for 5 minutes. This is the movie where he's walking down the street screaming "I'M A VAMPIRE. KILL ME, I'M A VAMPIRE" in the middle of the fucking day. Now, I love Nicolas Cage. Probably more than most people. I know he can be a horrible actor sometimes, but I don't mind it because it's god damn hilarious. And that's the only reason I was able to make it through this entire movie. Nicolas Cage is so fucking bad in Vampire's Kiss that it's hard to believe that you're watching an actual movie. Like somebody paid him to be in this. There's a part in the movie when he's crying and he literally screams "BA-HOO". Twice. And it's the best thing I have ever seen. Basically, Vampire's Kiss is about Nicolas Cage thinking that he's turning into a vampire but in actuality he's just really really crazy. Kind of like George A. Romero's Martin, except it's horrible. It all starts one night when Nicolas Cage is macking it to this chick and a huge ass bat flies in through the open window. The next day, Nicolas Cage is talking to his psychiatrist and he confesses to her that when he was fighting off that bat it made him feel strangely aroused for some reason. Soon after, this mysterious vampire woman starts showing up and taking her shirt off and biting him on the neck. She does this at least three times throughout the movie. Eventually, Nicolas Cage has completely lost it. He's jumping on desks at work, chasing his secretary down the street, reciting the entire alphabet, and raping people. It's ridiculous. This was not a good movie by any means. I was tempted to turn it off multiple times whilst watching it. But Nicolas Cage is just so mesmerizingly bad that you can't help but watch the entire thing. You keep thinking to yourself, "This can't possibly get any worse." And then it gets worse. Also, Nicolas Cage makes some of the best faces I have ever fucking seen in this movie. Here's an example:

It doesn't get much better than this.

If you love Nicolas Cage, watch this movie. If you love to hate Nicolas Cage, watch this movie. If you like good movies and do not want to waste an hour and forty minutes of your life, do yourself a favor and forget this movie even exists.

Rating: 2 out of 5 BA-HOOs.