The Master (2012)

by Ryan

Having seen none of Paul Thomas Anderson's previous works, I decided that this movie looked interesting enough to go see with my father. And boy was I right. However, as interesting as "The Master" may have been, I still have absolutely no idea what it was about. I mean, obviously it's some sort of commentary on L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology but what was this movie REALLY about? Your guess is as good as mine, and I've already seen the damn thing. "The Master" opens on Joaquin Phoenix, who plays a crazy guy (go figure) that loves to make his own alcohol and have sex with women made of sand. After a tour in the Navy, Joaquin is deemed too insane for normal society and is tasked with taking pictures of people at the mall. Unfortunately, this doesn't last very long as his uncontrollable temper gets the better of him time and time again. Eventually, Joaquin ends up on a huge boat that happens to belong to Philip Seymour Hoffman and his already loyal cult following. Philip takes a shining to Joaquin due to his knack for making bizarre alcohols (some of which include ingredients such as paint thinner and gasoline) and decides to put him to work as his right hand man for some reason. (It doesn't make any sense when you think about it; why would you employ a crazy drunk guy that forced his way onto your ship?) Anyway, we find out that Philip Seymour Hoffman is an author/scientist/scholar/liar and we follow their journey across the country, as Philip's cult tries desperately to persuade others into joining in on their beliefs (and buying Philip's bullshit book). There are a few times during the movie where Philip loses his shit, calling people "PIG FUCK" and getting all red. There are also quite a number of times where Joaquin loses his shit and beats the crap out of people for no apparent reason. Those are probably the best parts of the movie. Don't get me wrong, the performances were astounding and the cinematography was incredible. I loved watching Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams brainwash people just as much as the next guy. But honestly, "The Master" just felt way too long and way too pointless. Don't even get me started on the ending. Overall, I'd have to say that I'm glad that I saw this in theaters even though I have no intention of ever watching it again. If you're in the mood for a slow, weird, seemingly pointless movie with lots of foul language and boobies, then "The Master" is definitely for you.

Rating: 3 out of 5 PIG FUCKS

Nicolas Cage Movie Review: City of Angels (1998)

by Ryan

This movie opens on a young girl who has just died during an intense surgical operation. Her ghost appears next to her body and looks up to see Nicolas Cage, in a long black coat staring back at her. "Are you God?" the little girl asks. "No," says Nicolas Cage. "I'm Seth." "City of Angels" was recommended to me by my girlfriend who knows how much I idolize Nicolas Cage, which also happens to be the only reason I would ever even think about watching a movie like this. Well, let me be the first to say that this movie is fucking garbage. The fact that I was able to sit through it in its entirety is a testament to my love and devotion for Nicolas Cage, but I digress. In "City of Angels," Cage plays an angel named Seth Plate, who is essentially in charge of escorting freshly deceased souls to Heaven. Then one day he meets Meg Ryan and falls in love with her, turning his whole world upside down. Meg Ryan, a peppy young doctor with a heart of gold, also happens to be the only human on the planet that can see Nicolas Cage for some reason. Anyway, they start talking and eventually she finds out that he's an angel and she freaks out and Nicolas Cage is all sad and what not. Then he decides that he loves Meg Ryan so much that he's willing to give up being an angel for her. But in order for an angel to become human, they need to jump off of this one really tall scaffolding located at the center of this construction site. What comes next is probably the best part of the movie: Nicolas Cage stumbling around in his newfound human body, screaming with excitement and showing everyone his bloodied hands. After that, everything else is really boring and sentimental. The story is extremely simple and predictable, the soundtrack is atrocious, and the dialogue is incredibly unrealistic. At one point Nicolas Cage asks Meg Ryan to describe what a pear tastes like, to which she replies "It's like a sugary sand that dissolves in your mouth." Um... Meg Ryan, have you ever actually eaten a pear before?

Rating: 2 out of 5 pear metaphors

Tuesday Review: The Grey (2012)

Watch the trailer here!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Grey stars the always serious Liam Neeson as a depressed wolf killer who struggles for survival when his plane full of middle aged men crashes and sets him in a frozen wasteland inhabited by a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. This movie is depressing as fuck, as one by one the middle-aged men get their faces mauled off by the relentless pack.  The long shots of endless winter wasteland helps drive in the truly hopeless odds the men are faced against.  The wolves are super sneaky, and there are a couple of pop-out moments which made me jump.  The acting is fantastic, but the movie is mostly that, talking.  There was a little too much crying over families and not enough bare knuckle wolf boxing for my taste.  This movie is more about what happens when people are put into a crisis situation than a lesson in how to fight wolves, which I was expecting.  A Black Metal soundtrack would have made this one a lot better, 3/5.

Ryan's Retort: 
This movie was awesome. Brian just didn't like it because he hates feelings. Granted, it would have been cool to see a little more wolf fighting. The trailer makes it seem like Liam Neeson is going to be killing lots and lots of wolves with his bare hands, but in actuality he only kills like 2 and a half. However, that doesn't mean that Liam Neeson is not as badass in this as he is in every other movie he's ever been in. I mean, come on. He's a guy that specializes in hunting and killing wolves. There's this one line that he has that goes something like, "I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds. Your teeth will be knocked in and you'll be drinking your own blood." I don't know about you, but I could listen to Liam Neeson explain things forever. In fact, there's another scene where Liam Neeson explains what death feels like to a dying man. "Look at me. Listen to my voice. You are going to feel a warm sensation overcome your body. Who do you love? Think of her." It's crazy. Every death scene in this movie is uncomfortably real and somewhat disturbing. Speaking of somewhat disturbing, there's this one part when a guy hacks off a wolf's head and triumphantly holds it in the air. Oh, did I say disturbing? I meant "really cool". Also, there were these fucking sweet shots of Liam Neeson literally being pulled out of his lovelorn dreams and tossed into the cold, harsh reality that surrounds him. It's hard to explain, but it's great. Trust me. The only problem I had with The Grey was that it felt a tad bit too long. Towards the end of the second act, our interest starts to fade and that's about when all the characters start talking about suicide and what not. It's sort of a snooze fest. But overall, I highly recommend this movie. If you like Liam Neeson, wolves, Liam Neeson fighting wolves, or snow, then go see The Grey!

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 wolf heads
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yeah, that dingus didn't even show up.

Tuesday Review: Shame (2011)

Brian's Two-Cents:
This was one of those "fuck it, lets just see any movie" weeks because Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was sold out and we couldn't just cancel movie night.  Shame was exactly as terrible as I thought it would be, of course achieving its NC-17 rating by just showing a lot of peepazools (dicks) wagging around.  Shame is a boring and awful movie devoid of any semblance of plot or purpose.  Shame is about a sex addict who spends his time jerking off on toilet seats and dreaming about banging his sister, which sounds cool, but isn't because it's just long shots of Micheal Fassbender's stupid face with crappy pussy music (that's the only way I can describe it) playing behind it.  I felt like I was watching the sequel to Drive, especially since it had frumpy actress Carey Mulligan as the female lead.  I would have walked out on this movie if it wasn't so cold outside.  Shame has almost no plot, and it hurts to watch, the only good thing about this movie is that it's only 99 minutes long, even though it felt like I was watching Fassbender make googly eyes at chicks on the train and crying for hours. Fuck this movie, 1 cum-stained toilet seat out of 5.

Ryan's Retort: 
I whole-heartedly agree with my movie crew counterpart, Brian. This movie was incredibly boring and way too artsy for its own good. Basically, it's just Magneto crying and jerking off for 99 minutes. Sometimes he even does both at the same time. Don't get me wrong. I totally understand what this movie is about and what the director, Steve McQueen, was going for. It's a character study. Cool. I can respect that. But I don't give one single shit about anyone in this film. I mean the main characters are a perverted freak, a slutty loser, and a douchebag boss. There was one scene towards the beginning of the film that I actually really liked though. In said scene, Magneto is making googly eyes with this one chick on the train and she seems pretty into it but then gradually becomes more and more sad for no apparent reason. Then there's this awesome reveal of her wedding ring that explains everything. The fact that this is such a powerful scene despite there being absolutely no dialogue is kind of awesome. Kind of. The acting in this movie is phenomenal, but its really not worth sitting through this snooze-fest of a film. If you like watching less than moderately attractive women sing entire Frank Sinatra songs as slow as humanly possible, then this is definitely the movie for you.

Overview
Rating: 1 out of 5 peepazools
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Almost!

Tuesday Review: The Descendants (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Movies like The Descendants are the reason that we started this blog in the first place. Even though the middle aged snobs at the newspaper company might have you believe this is a good movie, you would be smarter to trust the brutal metal dudes here at Movie Crew Review when they say that this movie was fucking boring.  Dramatic? yes.  Acting? good.  But does George Clooney punch anyone in the face? nope.  Call me unsophisticated, but if I want drama, I'll just listen to my girlfriend talk about her stupid friends; when I go to the movies, I want VIOLENCE and BLOODSHED.  I'm not going to talk about the plot of The Descendants because even thinking about watching that movie again makes me want to go sneak into the theater next door and watch the last 30 minutes of The Muppets.  The Descendants is through and through a mom movie, and they should have a rating of 35F because this movie is incredibly boring for any non-female under the age of 35.  Fucking sucked, not brutal, 1/5.

Ryan's Retort:
I can see why critics say that this was a good movie. It was an uplifting tale of rediscovery and coping with the loss of a loved one. However, I don't care nearly enough to watch George Clooney goofing off in Hawaii for two hours. The main plot of this movie revolves around George Clooney dealing with his angsty daughters, finding out that his wife was a huge bitch that was cheating on him and, on top of all that, she is also dead. Clooney proceeds to search the many islands of Hawaii for this mysterious man that his dead wife had been banging, presumably for some sort of revenge or something. Then when they finally meet, he doesn't do anything to the guy! The least he could have done was sleep with HIS wife. She totally wanted it too. But no, Clooney doesn't punch him or ruin his marriage or anything. And once that plot point is wrapped up, it leaves me absolutely nothing to care about. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Matthew Lillard. Who the hell cheats on George motherfucking Clooney with Matthew Lillard? It just doesn't make any sense!

Jelani's Take:
Boooring! I regret my usual pre-movie coffee!

Overview
Rating: 1 out of 5 dead wives
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. Surprisingly.

Netflix Movie Review: Red State (2011)

by Ryan

Upon first glance, it's hard to say exactly what type of movie Red State is. While it is fundamentally based in the horror genre, the story itself is ripe with satire making it somewhat reminiscent of a dark comedy. But not quite. In fact, there were barely any jokes in this entire movie. Normally, when I think of Kevin Smith I think of "snoochie boochies" and chocolate covered pretzels. However, in Smith's latest that is not the case at all. Red State tells the tale of three young men that stumble upon this internet sex ad, pursue said sex, and then end up being tortured to death by a group of super crazy fundamentalists smack dab in the middle of God's country. Also, John Goodman is in it. Red State marks a drastic change in style and aesthetics for Kevin Smith, making this piece his first truly serious film. If you don't count fucking Jersey Girl that is; which I don't. Overall, I thought this movie was pretty good. There are a lot of dull moments in the middle and in the beginning, but the end of the second act and all of the third act are phenomenal. Especially the part when John Goodman is yelling at people and shooting things. There were some genuinely terrifying moments in this movie, which is pretty surprising to me being as it's a Kevin Smith film. Who knew the guy could do horror? Also, the acting was fantastic. When those three heathen boys are being tortured to death, you'd think that they were being tortured to death for real! However, this film suffers from being way too full of itself. While I get the whole poking fun at the Westboro Baptist Church thing and the other ATF agents thing, it still feels a little too preachy to me. Pun intended.

Rating: 3 out of 5 snoochie boochies

Download Special: Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

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Download Special: "The Beaver" (2011)

By Brian
3/5
Alternatively titled, "Why Jodie Foster? WHY!?!",  The Beaver stars Mel Gibson in the role he was borne to play, crazy asshole.  Gibson plays Walter Black, a CEO of a big toy company who is depressed despite the fact that he has a loving family, and a fucking toy company.  Black doesn't do anything except mope around the house and mumble to himself.  After a traumatic experience where Black gets drunk and tries to kill himself, he puts on a hand puppet he found in the trash and fast as you can say "G'day mate" you've got a plot for a movie.  Black Exclusivly talks through the puppet, and when anyone tries to directly talk to him, he just mumbles at them.  Once hes got the beaver, Black's life starts getting awesome again, he single-handedly (ha!) saves his company from the brink of collapse, bangs Jodie Foster (yes while wearing it), and bonds with his young son.  People of course think he's lost his mind, but hes so rich and confident, they let it slide.  I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this movie, because without the puppet, this would just be some Lifetime Original nonsense.  The puppets thick, Australian/British accent is hilarious especially when Gibson has private conversations with it while no ones around.  In the end you do get the man vs his own hand scene that you waited for, but after the puppets gone, the movie is seriously uninteresting.  There is this who sub-plot with Black's son and this chick, but I really didn't care whatsoever.  After the puppets gone, the son's story takes over and the movie starts to suck.  I wanted to see this movie because it sounded ridiculous, and it was!  Pretty much your average sappy drama spiced up with a hand puppet.  Sequel idea: The Pastie.

Tuesday Review: The Skin I live In (La piel que habito)

Brian's 2-cents:
The Skin I Live In is a tragic tale of revenge, starring Antonio Banderas playing Robert Ledgard, a rich and talented plastic surgeon.  Robert is haunted by the memory of his wife running away with his degenerate half brother, only for his brother to leave her burning alive after a car accident.  Robert is obsessed with skin, and is researching an artificial skin which is resistant to fire and bug bites, among other properties.  FLASHBACK!!! 6 years ago, Robert is at a fancy party when suddenly his half-crazy daughter is turned full-crazy when she takes a stroll to the ol' rapin tree.  Robby finds her unconscious under said tree and when she awakes in her father's arms, she thinks he raped her and is thereafter frightened of him.  Obviously this seriously pisses of old Robby, and, overcome by his lust for vengeance, kidnaps his daughter's rapist.  I can't give away any more plot without ruining the big reveal, but Robby tortures the shit out of this kid.  Banderas' character is amazing.  Slowly his kidnap victim turns from the object of his hatred to the object of his desire, and Robert becomes obsessed. Rob's intricate and completely soul-annihilating revenge is a pleasure to watch at first, but after a while, you're not sure if its what he really deserves.  The slow rate at which the film reveals information is a little tedious at times, but I liked how my emotions about which character to sympathize with and which to despise constantly changed.  This is a heavy psychological medical thriller somewhere in between The Human Centipede and Old Boy, definitely worth checking out, 4/5.

Jelani's Take:
It has been a while since an artsy and deep film such as this one has hit the commercial theater. I must say, we were prepared for a massive snooze-fest. With an extra large coffee and a roll of Rollos, I attacked this head on; ready for a boring foreign film. But, to my delight and surprise, The Skin I live In exceeded my low expectations by leaps and bounds. The storytelling style here was a bit jointed, (the story jumps from the weird present to the weirder past, then back to the fucked up present.) but it served the film well, as the major revelations unfold organically and really and truly surprised the hell out of me. Without giving anything away, I can tell you this much: the film centers around a demented plastic surgeon's obsessive revenge and the twisted family dynamics that serve as a backdrop of understanding for all characters present. This film is sick; not since Oldboy have I seen such an elaborate and fucked up revenge unfold. Banderas nails the role of determined socio/psycho-path good/bad guy. The story is really well developed, and there were really no plot-holes considering the convoluted dynamics present. There were a lot of "OHHH!" moments throughout, as the main character's insanity peels back its layers until the very end. The moral here: Don't fuck with Antonio Banderas! There was a bit of a lull in the middle, as the film seemed to struggle with making sense of itself, but the big revelation scenes that followed made up for it in spades. For being a sexy foreign film that also grossed me out a bit, The Skin I Live In gets 4 fucked up families out of 5. I recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
There's not much that I can say that my movie crew cohorts haven't already covered. Except for maybe the cinematography, which was phenomenal. Jose Luis Alcaine helps paint a beautiful, expertly composed picture with his use of metallic yet fleshy colors. Which totally compliments the story itself, in addition to just looking fucking awesome. Initially, I thought this movie was going to suck eggs. I mean, the trailer doesn't even make any sense. It's just a bunch of weird clips put together that don't explain or even hint at what the movie is about. But I assure you, this movie is well worth the price of admission. Although the story is told in a somewhat unorthodox way, the strange format definitely adds some extra pizazz to the big twist in the latter half of the film. Yeah, I can't believe I just used the word "pizazz" either. If I'm ever a crazy, brilliant plastic surgeon and my sorta crazy daughter gets sorta raped by some punk kid, I would totally want to exact my vengeance upon him in the same brutal way that Antonio Banderas does in this movie. Actually, wait. No, I wouldn't... You guys, it's so hard to review this movie without writing any spoilers. Like seriously. The twist is so crazy! Go see it for yourselves! At first you'll be all like, "this is weird and confusing" but then when it's over you'll be all like, "that was weird and kinda really fucked up and I'm not confused anymore". 

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 "'does that make me gay?' moments"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No

VHS Review: Boogie Nights (1997)

2/5

When I bought this tape for $1.08 at the Goodwill, I was thrilled because it had one of my favorite people of all time in it, John C. Reilly.  In this movie, Reilly plays Reed Rothchild, a porn star just trying to make a living boning chicks and acting silly.  One day Rothchild is just chilling at his bosses sweet ass pad with a pool and hot chicks when some new dude comes along and drinks margaritas with him.  The new dude has a big dick or something and ends up co-staring in a action/porno with Rothchild.  2 hours later, Rothchild realizes he just wanted to do magic tricks the whole time, and quits porno, the end.  This movie was way too long, the first half of the movie having no conflict at all.  When the conflict (some guy who's not John C. Reilly gets addicted to drugs) finally happens, its predictable and not that interesting.  Oh did I mention you get to see Reilly shred some sweet guitar and Don Cheadle's there.  For your Health

Review of "Drive" by Brian

1 of Jelani's snores (out of 5)

The opening sequence of this movie was awesome! I mean hes going around, helping criminals, evading cops in cars AND helicopters, and driving like a fucking maniac.  Then the opening credits and the beginning of a soundtrack worse than the Justin Beiber Live movie.  The opening scene is pretty much the only good part of this movie, the rest was boring awkward looks between that douchey toothpick gnawing dude and that almost-hot-enough-to-bang-but-wait-shes-got-a-kid-nevermind chick.  There are a couple cool killing parts but you have to sit through so much awful electronic music and boring emotional garbage that its really not worth it.  Dont see this movie unless you feel like  groaning a lot, A LOT.

On That Note, Here's Jelani's Take
This movie is the reason that we started this blog! The newspapers, magazines, and internet all said that this movie was fucking awesome. REALLY fucking awesome. But come on. How did they manage to fuck up the classic - "OOPS! I stole money from the wrong guy and now I have to escape from and kill mobsters who want to do terrible things to me" archetype? Oh, that's right! With shitty house music and a random almost-love relationship that drives the entire shit wagon. As you're watching it, you are able to think only one thing; can they just fucking FUCK already!?! The entire driving force behind this movie is Gosling's bleeding heart for his homely neighbor, which gets him in trouble with mobsters. He's a great guy who also kills people. I guess they were trying to go for an avante-garde juxtaposition between the two sides of Gosling's character. But it's super pretentious and really just uninteresting. Halfway through the film, it seems as if things have taken a sharp turn towards awesomeness. Gosling gets mixed up in some shit that's way out of his league, and is forced to brutalize some guys. But wait! Nope, just kidding, it goes right back to stupid romance crap. This would have been a great movie had the female role been interesting whatsoever. She and her son take up so much screentime with mundane boringness that the crime and excitement is essentially overshadowed. This could have been great. Really really really great, if these guys had stuck to the mold. If you're making a crime film, make it. Don't throw in a shitload of other meaningless crap just to make it seem more deep. More than half of this movie was completely superfluous. I only fell asleep for like 10 minutes near the end, so I suppose the good parts were good enough to stay conscious for, but the in between lulls were brutal. This could have been on the same level as Snatch, or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but instead... It sucked. 2 out of 5 wormy apples for you, crime dromance!