The Master (2012)

by Ryan

Having seen none of Paul Thomas Anderson's previous works, I decided that this movie looked interesting enough to go see with my father. And boy was I right. However, as interesting as "The Master" may have been, I still have absolutely no idea what it was about. I mean, obviously it's some sort of commentary on L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology but what was this movie REALLY about? Your guess is as good as mine, and I've already seen the damn thing. "The Master" opens on Joaquin Phoenix, who plays a crazy guy (go figure) that loves to make his own alcohol and have sex with women made of sand. After a tour in the Navy, Joaquin is deemed too insane for normal society and is tasked with taking pictures of people at the mall. Unfortunately, this doesn't last very long as his uncontrollable temper gets the better of him time and time again. Eventually, Joaquin ends up on a huge boat that happens to belong to Philip Seymour Hoffman and his already loyal cult following. Philip takes a shining to Joaquin due to his knack for making bizarre alcohols (some of which include ingredients such as paint thinner and gasoline) and decides to put him to work as his right hand man for some reason. (It doesn't make any sense when you think about it; why would you employ a crazy drunk guy that forced his way onto your ship?) Anyway, we find out that Philip Seymour Hoffman is an author/scientist/scholar/liar and we follow their journey across the country, as Philip's cult tries desperately to persuade others into joining in on their beliefs (and buying Philip's bullshit book). There are a few times during the movie where Philip loses his shit, calling people "PIG FUCK" and getting all red. There are also quite a number of times where Joaquin loses his shit and beats the crap out of people for no apparent reason. Those are probably the best parts of the movie. Don't get me wrong, the performances were astounding and the cinematography was incredible. I loved watching Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams brainwash people just as much as the next guy. But honestly, "The Master" just felt way too long and way too pointless. Don't even get me started on the ending. Overall, I'd have to say that I'm glad that I saw this in theaters even though I have no intention of ever watching it again. If you're in the mood for a slow, weird, seemingly pointless movie with lots of foul language and boobies, then "The Master" is definitely for you.

Rating: 3 out of 5 PIG FUCKS

Tuesday Review: The Amazing Spider-Man

Jelani's Take:
Well, I was really excited for this one, as Peter Parker's High school time has never been thoroughly covered on the big screen. Of course, my comic book nerd-dom left me completely unimpressed, as Marc Webb decided that his "original" take on Spider-Man's origin is better than the canonical story that Steve Ditko and Stan Lee created decades ago. I understand the desire to update certain franchises in order to make it more accessible to a younger generation, but without a groundbreaking or wholly original plot (like X-Men: First Class for example), the entire thing really just falls short. What resulted in this case were two-dimensional characters that I found myself not really caring for. Sure, the "coincidences" that were thrown in to fix the huge plot gaps made enough sense, but it felt like a forced rewiring of a perfect system, instead of an organic evolution of one of my favorite characters of all time; Peter Parker. Whoa... I feel myself getting long winded on this one; I just shed a tear. Anyway! In the movie, Peter Parker gets picked on. Great. He has a thing for Gwen Stacy. Great. He gets bitten by a spider, except it really ties into his parents' secret line of work with radioactive spiders? Okay... I can buy it. The problems though, are that Peter is way to confident here. Way too dreamy, and is bound to be a fucking supervillain because: wait for it... He never fucking learns that with great power comes great responsibility! Throughout the movie, Spider-Man goes around hunting his uncle's killer. He never finds him, and instead beats up the Lizard, who is trying to destroy the city. There's a HUGE problem with that plot alone. His anger towards his uncle's killer is never resolved, he never learns any life lessons, and effectively fails to come of age in this story. The entire point of the original Peter Parker story is that he comes of age. It's the classic coming of age story. There's tragedy and heroic moments and tons and tons of failures and in the end, he finally becomes a man and starts dealing with life and his superpowers in a very responsible and caring way. In this movie, there is no conflict. No teenager torn, no love story haunted by demons, just a sappy teen-romance that is coated with Spider-Powers and a supervillain. The CGI was pretty cool though, and the fight scenes were fast-paced and sharp. I liked Captain Stacy, as his characterization was the only one that matched the original depiction. If you've never heard the story of Peter Parker, then I suppose this movie will seem like a triumph to you. It has a concise layout, and there is the illusion of character growth throughout. But if you know Peter Parker, then you're in for two weird hours with strangers. Spider-Man's "untold story" would be better off staying that way. The plot left me unimpressed but for looking cool, I'll give it 2 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
The main problem that I had with "The Amazing Spider-Man" is that it just wasn't different enough from the original "Spider-Man" to even warrant it being made in the first place. There was just so much time wasted on unnecessary back story; it takes literally an hour before we even see Peter Parker become a full-fledged Spider-Man. Like we all already know how he becomes Spider-Man, there isn't a single person on the planet who doesn't know that. I mean, the other movie just came out like ten years ago. They could have summed up all of that origin story in a quick animation during the opening credits and then jumped right into Peter Parker already being Spider-Man! Ugh! Anyway. Since Jelani already went over why "The Amazing Spider-Man" was not as amazing as it should have been, I'll highlight some of the better aspects of the film. First of all, I think Andrew Garfield made for a pretty good Spider-Man. He's more quippy than Tobey Maguire and he uses his webs a hell of a lot more. In fact, that was one of the main things that they did right. Peter Parker making and designing his own web shooters with his own genius brain trumps Peter Parker miraculously developing his own webbing inside of his body somehow any day of the week. The Lizard was also pretty terrific, even though I would have liked it more if he wasn't able to speak. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have him actually wearing the labcoat for more than a few seconds. But that's just the huge nerd inside me talking. Overall, I felt that "The Amazing Spider-Man" was very underwhelming. Often times I found myself feeling bored, which is not something that I should ever feel during a FUCKING SPIDER-MAN MOVIE. FUCK. However, the action sequences were pretty cool to look at and the acting was pretty decent. If I were to watch this movie again, I'd most likely just fast-forward through all of the kissing and touching faces. Hopefully, the next two movies dwell less on the teenage romance and more on the supervillain fights.

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 unnecessary reboots
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Surprisingly no, Brian did

Tuesday Review: Prometheus (2012)

Brian's 2-cents:
Prometheus is an action movie disguised as a science fiction film.  As an avid sci-fi fan, I was disappointed by the lack of explanation of the themes in this film and left with more questions then I went in with.  I was hoping for a mind blowing tale of scientists discovering the origin of mankind, but instead I just saw some people getting torched with flame throwers.  The movie wasn't bad, I can't complain about a chick giving herself an alien abortion, but I didn't root for the main character the way I did for Ripley in Alien. Character development was thrown out the window and there was no twist at the end whatsoever. The plot was totally predictable and there were huge plot holes (why didn't the geologist who made the map have a copy of it himself?) The aliens are muscular albinos, little penis snakes, and a squid; no claws, no mouths in mouths, no nothing! The "hows" and "whys" which make science fiction such an interesting genre were ignored. Why and how did the albinos create human life? Why and how did they plan on destroying the human race? Why and how did they find the black goo? Why and how did they go extinct themselves? I got the fiction but where was the SCIENCE?!  I almost want to give this 2 out of 5 but the visual effects were stunning as promised, which drags Prometheus up to a measly 3 out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
I honestly don't understand why this movie is getting such a bad wrap. It's fun, interesting, exciting at times, and really nice to look at. Sure there are some pretty big plot holes, but couldn't the same be said about lots of other movies? Plus, there's obviously going to be a sequel so whatever was not explained in this movie will most likely be addressed in the next one. Honestly, "Prometheus" is at least five times better than most of the schlock-fests that get released nowadays. It's a unique take on the tried and true story of a space expedition gone wrong. Of course, "Prometheus" comes complete with terrifying creatures, awesomely-advanced technology, and a star studded cast. Noomi Rapace is terrific as leading lady Elizabeth Shaw, alongside the likes of Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, and Guy Pearce as a really old guy. But it's Magneto (Michael Fassbender), who plays the devious android David, that truly steals the show. If you loved "Alien" and you're not a stickler for science like Brian is, you will without a doubt be entertained by this movie.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 muscular albinos
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

Tuesday Review: Battleship

Brian's 2-Cents:
After seeing the preview a thousand times, it was killing me to know how exactly they were planning on making a movie out of a board game.  My question was finally answered as I sat through Battleship just barely keeping myself from falling asleep.  Watching Battleship is like watching an explosion compilation spliced with Navy commercials.  Although lousy with explosions, I found myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat trying to find a way to stay awake.  The biggest issue I have with the movie is the serious under-powering of the alien ships' weapons.  Here's a giant robotic craft which can travel faster than the speed of light, yet whose main weapons system is poorly aimed explosive pegs.  Sure, it kept to the board game theme, but that was about the only similarity between the game and the movie.  Overall, I was disappointed with Battleship because it was just so damn cheesy.  This is one of those movies where you just fast forward through all the talking parts because the plot is so self explanatory and non-twisty that I'm surprised they decided to pay real actors at all, 3 out of 5 spiky beards.

Ryan's Retort:
The climax of "Battleship" is literally the juxtaposition of a large black man with no legs fist-fighting a bearded alien and a group of ten grown men struggling desperately to carry one missile down a hallway. I think that pretty much sums up the tone of this movie: utterly ridiculous and way too serious for its own good. This movie makes absolutely no sense, despite its best efforts to over-explain every little detail of the laughably predictable plot. Why they felt the need to make it over two hours is beyond me, but I digress. The characters are all unlikeable (except for Liam Neeson who has literally 15 minutes of screentime), the dialogue is cheesy (not in a good way), and the aliens aren't even that cool. In fact, the only redeeming quality of "Battleship" is the special effects. The sea battles, as well as the land battles, look scarily real and so do the countless explosions. With that said, I have no intention of watching this movie ever again. 

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 spiky beards
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yep. Even though he drank two coffees beforehand.

Tuesday Review: The Grey (2012)

Watch the trailer here!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Grey stars the always serious Liam Neeson as a depressed wolf killer who struggles for survival when his plane full of middle aged men crashes and sets him in a frozen wasteland inhabited by a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. This movie is depressing as fuck, as one by one the middle-aged men get their faces mauled off by the relentless pack.  The long shots of endless winter wasteland helps drive in the truly hopeless odds the men are faced against.  The wolves are super sneaky, and there are a couple of pop-out moments which made me jump.  The acting is fantastic, but the movie is mostly that, talking.  There was a little too much crying over families and not enough bare knuckle wolf boxing for my taste.  This movie is more about what happens when people are put into a crisis situation than a lesson in how to fight wolves, which I was expecting.  A Black Metal soundtrack would have made this one a lot better, 3/5.

Ryan's Retort: 
This movie was awesome. Brian just didn't like it because he hates feelings. Granted, it would have been cool to see a little more wolf fighting. The trailer makes it seem like Liam Neeson is going to be killing lots and lots of wolves with his bare hands, but in actuality he only kills like 2 and a half. However, that doesn't mean that Liam Neeson is not as badass in this as he is in every other movie he's ever been in. I mean, come on. He's a guy that specializes in hunting and killing wolves. There's this one line that he has that goes something like, "I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds. Your teeth will be knocked in and you'll be drinking your own blood." I don't know about you, but I could listen to Liam Neeson explain things forever. In fact, there's another scene where Liam Neeson explains what death feels like to a dying man. "Look at me. Listen to my voice. You are going to feel a warm sensation overcome your body. Who do you love? Think of her." It's crazy. Every death scene in this movie is uncomfortably real and somewhat disturbing. Speaking of somewhat disturbing, there's this one part when a guy hacks off a wolf's head and triumphantly holds it in the air. Oh, did I say disturbing? I meant "really cool". Also, there were these fucking sweet shots of Liam Neeson literally being pulled out of his lovelorn dreams and tossed into the cold, harsh reality that surrounds him. It's hard to explain, but it's great. Trust me. The only problem I had with The Grey was that it felt a tad bit too long. Towards the end of the second act, our interest starts to fade and that's about when all the characters start talking about suicide and what not. It's sort of a snooze fest. But overall, I highly recommend this movie. If you like Liam Neeson, wolves, Liam Neeson fighting wolves, or snow, then go see The Grey!

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 wolf heads
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yeah, that dingus didn't even show up.

VHS Review: The Hunger (1983)

By Brian
3/5

The Hunger is a super-80's horror/romance film NOT staring David Bowie.  I love Bowie, his music is awesome, and his persona and mostly everything he does can only be described as the paramount of coolness.  Unfortunately, Bowie is only in a third of the movie, and after he dies, the movie gets dull.  The opening scene is a song performed by Bowie cut with people getting killed and sexy images.  After that it goes really down hill.  Everything else you need to know about this movie can be easily summed up in this graph I made:

 The Hunger is sexy, but not much else.  The ending spared this movie from a 2/5 score, too much romance, not enough horror, 3 references to Ludes out of 5.

VHS Review: I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

By Brian
3/5

This is another movie that would make my mom cry.  I had no idea that when I slipped this greasy pig into my VCR, I would be thrown into an hour long rape scene.  I Spit on Your Grave is about a city slicker lady writer who goes into the country to get some work done on her novel.  Even though she is really nice to everyone in town, four dudes, including one half retarded gentleman, decide to capture and rape poor Ms. Hills just for some action.  The fully graphic rape, double-rape, triple-rape, and quadrupal-rape (in three different scenes) are really hard to watch, even for someone as desensitized as me.  When all the rape is finally over (a little more than half way through the movie) Ms. Hills decides its time for revenge.  This movie has a lot of rape and not enough murder.  I'm hypothesizing that the directer really wanted to drive home the fact the 4 men were awful human beings but I think someone holding you down so someone else can rape you is reason enough for murdering them, they ALL didn't have to go for it.  The half-retarded, goofy, nerdy guy in the movie is supposed to provide comedic relief, but its hard to make someone laugh in the middle of their third graphic full-bush rape scene of the movie. Ms. Hills also feigns niceness before she murders all her victims, which added suspense and some positive weirdness to the movie.  Her behavior also led me to the conclusion: "Never trust someone after you have raped them."  Too much gang rape, not enough murder 3 out of 5 inappropriate comic relief characters.

Tuesday Double Feature Review Part 1: Mission Impossible - Ghost Protical

Brian's 2-Cents: 
Just when you thought this franchise was done, Mission Impossible 4 comes out, by this time, since he's 3 out of 3 on impossible missions, you think the higher ups would start calling them Mission Hard or Mission Barely Doable.  On this barely doable mission, Ethan Hunt has to stop a mad physicist from launching a nuclear missile.  This time, Cruise is teamed up with Simon Pegg, the guy from The Hurt Locker, and of course, a hot chick.  Of course all 4 team members spent a good amount of their time beating people up and running away from explosions.  This movie was pretty predictable, but the cool slightly-slightly-into-the-future technology was entertaining, as were the extra long and punishing fight scenes.  I appreciated how there was no extraneous romantic plot, Tom Cruise was all like "my wife is dead, fuck it!"  This movie was entertaining but not memorable, I'm getting a little jaded from watching Tom Cruise run away from explosions, 3/5.


Ryan's Retort: 
Going into this movie, having seen exactly none of its predecessors, I can definitely say that this latest installment of impossible missions is exhilarating. Although I'm having a hard time remembering specifics, I did thoroughly enjoy the film while I was watching it. The stakes are super high in this movie from the get go. We first meet Tom Cruise as he's escaping from a high security prison for some reason. From then on, its fast-paced action sequence after action sequence. Also, this time around Tom Cruise has to work with a team. That's cool. Simon Pegg is hilarious as per usual. I'm glad that he passed his field test, because otherwise I probably wouldn't like this movie as much. Overall, Ghost Protocol is comprised of lots of pulse-pounding, somewhat forgettable scenes with little to no character development. The best, and most memorable, part of this movie is when Tom Cruise is scaling the outside of this huge building with nothing but one high-tech magnetic glove. Apparently, Tom Cruise did his own stunts including that crazy scene. To which I say, "Neat-o."

Overview
Rating:  3 out of 5 barely doable missions
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: Alice Sweet Alice (1976)

By Brian
3/5

Alice Sweet Alice was lent to me by fellow horror VHS enthusiast Chi, who usually has great taste, but this movie was only good, not great.  Alice Sweet Alice starts out with a little girl getting brutally strangled and then set on fire, all in a church during her first communion.  The victim's sister, Alice, is immediately blamed for the murder.  Alice is a creepy, deranged 12 year old who collects huge water bugs and tortures the morbidly obese landlord downstairs, who she calls Fatso.  The first half of this movie is great, Alice looks and acts like the kind of child who grows up to be a serial killer, she even kills a poor little kitty cat.  However, about half of the way through the movie, Alice is all but completely cut out of the movie, and there's just a lot of the dad, the detective, and the priest, who all look exactly the same.  The second half of the movie is really boring, and mostly just women crying and a superfluous romance that I didn't care about whatsoever.  The murder scenes and the creepy little child actress who plays Alice keep this movie above the 2 star line, but just barely.  This is one of those movies without any main characters and its super confusing, you're better off just watching Friday the 13th Part 2 again.

VHS Review: The Blob (1958)

By Brian

3/5

The Blob is a classic horror film starring the coolest guy ever, Steve McQueen.  In The Blob a meteor containing a big old booger lands on Earth in a small town and proceeds the start consuming people.  The best part of this movie is the stop motion jello that they push around to represent the alien being.  The problem with this movie is that there just isn't enough blob in it.  Most of the movie is about Steve running around town trying to convince people the blob is a threat but he keeps getting laughed at, getting caught up with the law, etc.  Also Steve McQueen is supposed to be 17 in the movie, but he was actually 28 when it was filmed, and it is really fucking obvious this dude is waaaay to old to be in high school.  He so old that when he says things like "Please officer no need to get the dads involved" its just plain ridiculous.  Other than those flaws, the movie was generally entertaining.  When the blob gets big and starts really absorbing people on a large scale, it gets interesting and exciting.  The Blob is also delightfully 50's, the characters saying things like "Shucks!" and "healthfully", and the stop motion special effects have low-budget charm that new movies don't, not to mention the bad ass cars.  I liked this movie but it was a little too much Steve running around town, and not enough blob blobbing it up.

Tuesday Review: The Sitter (2011)

Watch the Trailer Here

Jelani's Take:
It is the end of an era! Jonah Hill has now starred in his last movie as a fat loser. In "The Sitter", good ol' fat Mr. Hill is at his lowest as he is, as his mother put it: "in a period of stasis." Just as Michael Cera is always the lovably awkward romantic, Jonah Hill once again plays his character from "Superbad"; a fat pile who doesn't know where his life is going and needs one epic night to have some minor epiphanies. But enough ragging on that poor Pagliacci of an Oompa-Loompa! I couldn't be more delighted that this newest "Superbad" sequel stays true to its roots. Hell, it was funny! Contrary to the title, Jonah is not a babysitter. He is simply helping his widowed mother get laid by getting off of his fat ass. He is forced to watch the three children of his mother's good friends while they all go out; and hilarity ensues. The film is set in New York, and the city itself plays into the comedy, as Jonah idiotically decides to take these kids to go buy coke and go to a party to try and get laid. The plot is extremely reminiscent of "Superbad." Except... Michael Cera is replaced by a 6-year-old Paris Hilton wannabe, a pilled-out tween, and a Latin-American adopted tween terrorist of a child. The kids are an eerie amalgamation of pop-culture influence gone wrong, and it's funny to see how they interact with Jonah, who is supposed to be in his early 20's. Throughout, he helps them understand the real world outside of their parent's fucked up American dream bubble, while learning a bit about himself. Yet I digress! the movie wasn't about that al all, stupid! It was about Jonah Hill having a really, really epic night (again), getting chased by drug dealers, being awesomely gangster when he gets the chance to copy Black Dynamite's syntax, fucking up repeatedly, and then making everything right and getting back right in time to see that he made the news and that his mom got laid. It's everything you expect from these kinds of movies. Like "Scary Movie" and "Saw", you know exactly what you're getting. For not letting me down, The Sitter gets a solid 3 out of 5 stars. I recommend it for a good easy laugh.

Ryan's Retort:
You're not supposed to know this going into the movie, but Sam Rockwell plays the crazy coke dealing antagonist. And he is the best part.  Overall, The Sitter is your run of the mill raunchy teen comedy. It's pretty predictable from the get-go. But don't get me wrong, it is funny and it is mildly entertaining throughout. Most of the humor lies in the ridiculousness of the situations that fat Jonah Hill puts these three caricatures of children through. Also, fat Jonah Hill is just a funny guy in general. My main problem with this movie is that everything seemed a little too easy, making the sense of danger less prominent. Everything just happens to work out for fat Jonah Hill, whether it's stealing Bar Mitzvah money or breaking into his dad's fine jewelry store, there never seems to be any real threat of being caught. Granted, there is that one scene when he almost gets arrested. But that's it! Also, the fact that fat Jonah Hill is able to fix all of these problem-ed children within the span of ten minutes is totally unbelievable to me. However, the good does outweigh the bad (by a little bit) making this movie one that I would maybe recommend probably. If you like bratty children getting into trouble, fat Jonah Hill talking like a black guy, and gangs of muscular homosexuals then The Sitter is definitely the movie for you!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Sitter was a good laugh, but not hysterical.  My favorite scene was the classic "white guy forced to go to the black bar."  Instead of the usual awkwardness and accidental saying of "you people" (ehem, Tower Heist), This movie breaks that cliche by making Jonah Hill actually feel comfortable and befriend the stereotypically threatening black people.  The movie also reenforced the stereotype that black people think white people are all crazy, which is a hilarious concept that doesn't get enough play in movies today.

Overview
Rating - 3 out of 5 soul babies
Did Jelani Fall Alseep - No.

VHS Review: Stage Fright (1987)

By Brian
3/5

Stage Fright is a horror film about a troupe of actors who face a world of trouble when one of them accidentally takes a deranged psychopath back to her theater.  What stands out the most in this movie is how the psychopath wears a creepy giant owl mask the whole time, never talking or revealing his face. The murders in Stage Fright are brutal, yet not original.  The killer uses your usual power drill, chainsaw, knife, etc. to kill his victims; some solid murders being a chainsaw bifurcation and an axe-to-mouth (yeah, I really wanted to write that.)   Personally, my favorite murder was when the psycho kills a chick on stage, right in front of all the other actors, who merely look on thinking it's part of the "intellectual musical" they are performing.  Other than that, the movie was almost entirely made of horror movie cliches, including: bad omen cat, raining really hard the ENTIRE time, oblivious cops, "Killer-Vision", super 80's soundtrack, and of course, the one chick who ACTUALLY manages to fend off the killer for longer than two seconds.  While these cliches don't necessarily take away from the film, they don't add and extra bonus points either.  The boob action in Stage Fright is also weak, only a couple pairs and shot from weird angles.  This movie lost another point for a crappy ending, which lasted way too long and didn't make a lot of sense. For being a solid, yet a little too cliche horror film, Stage Fright gets an admirable 3 oblivious cops parked right outside out of 5.

Why is it always raining in horror movies but never windy?

Netflix Movie Review: Red State (2011)

by Ryan

Upon first glance, it's hard to say exactly what type of movie Red State is. While it is fundamentally based in the horror genre, the story itself is ripe with satire making it somewhat reminiscent of a dark comedy. But not quite. In fact, there were barely any jokes in this entire movie. Normally, when I think of Kevin Smith I think of "snoochie boochies" and chocolate covered pretzels. However, in Smith's latest that is not the case at all. Red State tells the tale of three young men that stumble upon this internet sex ad, pursue said sex, and then end up being tortured to death by a group of super crazy fundamentalists smack dab in the middle of God's country. Also, John Goodman is in it. Red State marks a drastic change in style and aesthetics for Kevin Smith, making this piece his first truly serious film. If you don't count fucking Jersey Girl that is; which I don't. Overall, I thought this movie was pretty good. There are a lot of dull moments in the middle and in the beginning, but the end of the second act and all of the third act are phenomenal. Especially the part when John Goodman is yelling at people and shooting things. There were some genuinely terrifying moments in this movie, which is pretty surprising to me being as it's a Kevin Smith film. Who knew the guy could do horror? Also, the acting was fantastic. When those three heathen boys are being tortured to death, you'd think that they were being tortured to death for real! However, this film suffers from being way too full of itself. While I get the whole poking fun at the Westboro Baptist Church thing and the other ATF agents thing, it still feels a little too preachy to me. Pun intended.

Rating: 3 out of 5 snoochie boochies

Tuesday Review: "Tower Heist" (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Tower Heist is an action/comedy about what happens when a bunch of minimum wage shmucks who work at a fancy Manhattan apartment building get fucked over by a corrupt hyper-wealthy buisness man. Starring in the mediocreness is Ben Stiller, as Josh, the mastermind; Eddie Murphy, as Slide, the experienced criminal; and Matthew Broderick, as Mr. Fitzhugh, the unfortunate bankrupt math wiz.  The only other notable character (sorry Casey Affleck) is Odessa, played by Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious which I'm still crying over) who plays the stereotypical Caribbean maid.  Tower Heist seems to be specifically aimed at New Yorkers because they kept making references to places like Forest Hills in Queens.  I felt like if you weren't a native New Yorker, a good amount of the jokes would be lost on you.  Also, I hate when movies shoot on MTA trains because the last thing I want to think about when I'm trying to watch a movie is how fucked up the L train is going to be later.  The most funny comedian in the movie was clearly Eddie Murphy, and I was glad to see that he still had it.  The chemistry between Murphy, Stiller and Broderick is good, but the jokes in this PG-13 movie were just too general and toned-down to induce more than a chuckle out of me.  In our post movie wrap up/ cigarette, the Movie Crew decided that although the movie flowed and wasn't boring, we wouldn't want to watch it again, giving this film a final score of 3/5.

Jelani's Take:
This comedy just makes it. After a depressing first half where characters and settings are established (the setup is grim at best), the jokes start to come. Tower Heist is one of those borderline comedies, where quirky situations and funny actors are what save the overall film from taking itself too seriously. The chemistry worked, and the pure ridiculousness of the situations these Joes put themselves in made for some hilarious riffs. I felt as if I was watching improv at some points, as the entire cast pretty much decided to comedically wing-it through an Oceans 11 level heist. ("Ok, I heard penthouse robbery!") It also felt as if the jokes weren't actually written as much as they were simply conceived out of the air that surrounded the funnymen. The chemistry was all there. The dialogue was as snappy as a comic book's, and the zany antics that happened throughout the entire robbery kept the film fresh throughout. Overall though, there was nothing oustandingly memorable about Tower Heist. It was entertaining and witty, but it really didn't wow me. It took the very real theme of recession in the capital city of the world, and turned it on its head. For teaching me that grand larceny in NY penthouses isn't as hard as i had originally thought, tower heist gets a very solid 3 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
It's good to see Eddie Murphy in a non-cartoon movie in which he's only playing one person again. After Norbit and Shrek 4 I was beginning to think that he'd lost it. But Tower Heist proves that the Beverly Hills Cop still has comedic chops out the wazoo. As soon as he comes on screen, the entire movie is lifted up out of the dark, depressing place that it starts off in. Murphy admittedly has many of the film's best one-liners, i.e. "I'mma be inside having sex with Rita" and "Lesbians always have the best tits", but he delivers them with such an accute sense of timing that it's no wonder he's so god damn famous. Tower Heist is basically the love child of heist movies, like Ocean's Eleven, and comedic revenge movies, like Horrible Bosses. It's great in that there's an ensemble cast of talented actors that each plays a key role in the plan to steal things from the Tower. However, what's different about this heist movie is that the characters don't necessarily stick to their plan due to various unforeseen obstacles that get in their way during the actual heist. By which I mean that they're eventually forced to steal an entire car from the top floor of a very tall building during work hours. Talk about impossible! Overall, I had a great time watching this movie. I went in with really low expectations and I came out mildly entertained. And isn't that all we ever really want out of a movie?

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 New York jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

M.C. Enjoying Pepperoni and Motz Beef Patties, courtesy of Luigi's Pizza and Margarita for the pic

Download Special: "The Beaver" (2011)

By Brian
3/5
Alternatively titled, "Why Jodie Foster? WHY!?!",  The Beaver stars Mel Gibson in the role he was borne to play, crazy asshole.  Gibson plays Walter Black, a CEO of a big toy company who is depressed despite the fact that he has a loving family, and a fucking toy company.  Black doesn't do anything except mope around the house and mumble to himself.  After a traumatic experience where Black gets drunk and tries to kill himself, he puts on a hand puppet he found in the trash and fast as you can say "G'day mate" you've got a plot for a movie.  Black Exclusivly talks through the puppet, and when anyone tries to directly talk to him, he just mumbles at them.  Once hes got the beaver, Black's life starts getting awesome again, he single-handedly (ha!) saves his company from the brink of collapse, bangs Jodie Foster (yes while wearing it), and bonds with his young son.  People of course think he's lost his mind, but hes so rich and confident, they let it slide.  I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this movie, because without the puppet, this would just be some Lifetime Original nonsense.  The puppets thick, Australian/British accent is hilarious especially when Gibson has private conversations with it while no ones around.  In the end you do get the man vs his own hand scene that you waited for, but after the puppets gone, the movie is seriously uninteresting.  There is this who sub-plot with Black's son and this chick, but I really didn't care whatsoever.  After the puppets gone, the son's story takes over and the movie starts to suck.  I wanted to see this movie because it sounded ridiculous, and it was!  Pretty much your average sappy drama spiced up with a hand puppet.  Sequel idea: The Pastie.

Parents House Review: Green Lantern (2011)

by Brian

Green Lanturd was one of the few movies the Movie Crew failed to see this year so I decided to put five dollhairs on my parent's cable bill and check it out.  This movie got a bad rep, but I felt it was enjoyable enough to be deserve a slightly better than average score.  What is Ryan Reynolds up to this time?  As hard headed test pilot, Hal Jordan, he completely fucks over his company's big military deal and blows up a brand new plane just for funsies, then he gets a magical ring from an alien, Green Lanyard business, whatever.  The coolest part was the final battle when Reynolds makes all kinds of awesome constructs like a big ass gun and a catapult.  Also when he turned that helicopter into a hot wheels car it's fucking sick.  This movie needed a lot more action and a lot less about Hal Jordan's love life.  I'm making an official request to Hollywood to make a single superhero movie where the main character has absolutely NO LOVE INTEREST WHATSOEVER, make him a eunuch or something, I don't care.

Rating: 3 Ryan Reynolds being bad at their jobs out of 5

VHS Review: RUN LOLA RUN (1998)

Brian's 2-cents:
3 unce unces out of 5
On a fine Sunday around college student breakfast time (2 pm), Jelani, Shiro, and I sat down to watch the only German movie ever made.  Run Lola Run is about a super hero with the power to run great distances and shatter glass with her voice.  However, these powers come with a cost, every time she runs, crappy 90's techno music plays around her. After her boyfriend idiotically looses his sack on the train, Lola has to come up with a way to get 100,000 doll hairs downtown to him before he shoots up a supermarket.  It takes her a few universes to get it right, because people in Germany can't drive for shit and keep hitting important characters with their cars.  Watching this movie was a pleasant break from the usual style of movies I watch, and went great with a big cup of coffee and a fat bowl of oatmeal-cereal.

Jelani's Take:
Run Lola Run was a pretty cool romp through three alternate universes that all corresponded to the initial mistake of literally losing $100,000. Now, bad choices aside, The film was highly entertaining. If you sit and watch this hungover on a sunday and tell yourself to ignore the obviously skewed decision making throughout, you will find yourself strung along a fun movie trip. the characters lacked any depth whatsoever, but it was somewhat fitting that such shallow characters are present within the shallow plot. There is definitely a foreign twinge to the film, as you are constantly reminded that this would never see the light of day in the US of A. In no respect was Run Lola Run bad. On the contraire! It was a high-energy, techno-filled film that succeeds in that it never takes itself too seriously. I can understand why it is so popular, as it has many similarities to the ever-popular crime film genre, with many unique twists of its own. And FYI: It reeks 90's throughout. For being a fun movie ride overall, this quirky German flick gets 4 out of 5 from me.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Special Recommendation Movie Review - Bedazzled (1967) - by Ryan

Did you guys know that that movie with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley as Satan is a remake? Because I sure didn't. The original movie came highly recommended to me, by my girlfriend. So I watched it. And it was great! The original "Bedazzled" is way quirkier than its American counterpart. Quirkier in that British humor kinda way that only British people can pull off. Also, this movie clearly had a much lower budget than the American one. So good for them for coming up with such a creative and interesting story. In this version, the main character (Not Brendan Fraser) is a miserable shlub with nothing to live for. Not Brendan Fraser is about to kill himself, when all of a sudden this mysterious man with a cloak somehow gets into his apartment and offers him a million pounds. I don't know how much that is in American money, but I'm assuming its a lot. Anyway, we find out that all Not Brendan Fraser cares about in life is this one homely girl that he works with. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Satan. So Satan gives Not Brendan Fraser seven wishes and each of them has something to do with trying to get this homely girl. But Satan, being the tricky son of a bitch that he is, fucks up each one of the wishes and completely screws Not Brendan Fraser over. I kept expecting Satan's tricks to be the same as in the American remake, like how Elizabeth Hurley makes Brendan Fraser gay in that one wish and then he has a tiny penis in that other wish. But in this version, Satan is just an outright asshole who personally sees to it that this guy does not ever get what he wants. Overall, I think I like the remake better. But this movie has a lot of hilarious things as well. Like this one part when Satan is a popstar singing this song that's making fun of 60's pop music. And this other part when everyone is a nun. So see this movie! Or don't!

Rating: 3 out of 5 Brendan Frasers

Head to Head VHS Review: "Merlin vs Excaliber" by Brian

Both of these movies focus on the story of King Arthur so I decided to double up the review.  Merlin was actually a TV miniseries, but I didn't realize that until I researched the film.  Merlin starts all the way from the beginning, from the conception of Merlin, how he grows up and learns magic.  Merlin stars Sam Neill, the poor man's Kevin Costner, who just want to go hang out with his love Nimue, but always has to go save the world from douche bag kings who always think with their little heads and not their big heads.  Excalibur is a much more brutal and interesting movie, and it even has my boy Patrick Stewart, being a total badass as usual.  In Excalibur, Merlin isn't all pussy and righteous, and helps out others for his own gain.  Excalibur definitely wins this head to head because all the characters wear crazy spiked shiny full plate everywhere! they even fuck in full plate!  Excalibur has some righteous super long medieval battle scenes, but goes a little too long.  The costumes make this movie.

Final Ranks:
Merlin- 3 out of 5
Excalibur- 4 out of 5

VHS Review: "Friday the 13th part 4: The Final Chapter" by Brian

3 Packs of Patootzies out of 5

In Part 4,a bunch of teenagers move into a house in the woods to walk around scantily clad and get drunk.  The house is supposed to be in the middle of nowhere, but there is another house across the street housing a very young Corey Feldman, along with his mom and sister.  I don't like child actors, or children in general, so having a little kid as the main character in stead of a hot chick was pretty disappointing.  I wasn't really sure of the plot of this movie, but the tits and murders still made it an above average movie.  My favorite part was the skinny dipping scene, after which Feldman remarks to his mom, "What a pack of patootzies!"  We had no idea what a pack of patootzies is, but it made us crack up on the paxton just the same.  Best murder of this film goes to........ Fat chick eating a banana!