Tuesday Review: The Amazing Spider-Man

Jelani's Take:
Well, I was really excited for this one, as Peter Parker's High school time has never been thoroughly covered on the big screen. Of course, my comic book nerd-dom left me completely unimpressed, as Marc Webb decided that his "original" take on Spider-Man's origin is better than the canonical story that Steve Ditko and Stan Lee created decades ago. I understand the desire to update certain franchises in order to make it more accessible to a younger generation, but without a groundbreaking or wholly original plot (like X-Men: First Class for example), the entire thing really just falls short. What resulted in this case were two-dimensional characters that I found myself not really caring for. Sure, the "coincidences" that were thrown in to fix the huge plot gaps made enough sense, but it felt like a forced rewiring of a perfect system, instead of an organic evolution of one of my favorite characters of all time; Peter Parker. Whoa... I feel myself getting long winded on this one; I just shed a tear. Anyway! In the movie, Peter Parker gets picked on. Great. He has a thing for Gwen Stacy. Great. He gets bitten by a spider, except it really ties into his parents' secret line of work with radioactive spiders? Okay... I can buy it. The problems though, are that Peter is way to confident here. Way too dreamy, and is bound to be a fucking supervillain because: wait for it... He never fucking learns that with great power comes great responsibility! Throughout the movie, Spider-Man goes around hunting his uncle's killer. He never finds him, and instead beats up the Lizard, who is trying to destroy the city. There's a HUGE problem with that plot alone. His anger towards his uncle's killer is never resolved, he never learns any life lessons, and effectively fails to come of age in this story. The entire point of the original Peter Parker story is that he comes of age. It's the classic coming of age story. There's tragedy and heroic moments and tons and tons of failures and in the end, he finally becomes a man and starts dealing with life and his superpowers in a very responsible and caring way. In this movie, there is no conflict. No teenager torn, no love story haunted by demons, just a sappy teen-romance that is coated with Spider-Powers and a supervillain. The CGI was pretty cool though, and the fight scenes were fast-paced and sharp. I liked Captain Stacy, as his characterization was the only one that matched the original depiction. If you've never heard the story of Peter Parker, then I suppose this movie will seem like a triumph to you. It has a concise layout, and there is the illusion of character growth throughout. But if you know Peter Parker, then you're in for two weird hours with strangers. Spider-Man's "untold story" would be better off staying that way. The plot left me unimpressed but for looking cool, I'll give it 2 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
The main problem that I had with "The Amazing Spider-Man" is that it just wasn't different enough from the original "Spider-Man" to even warrant it being made in the first place. There was just so much time wasted on unnecessary back story; it takes literally an hour before we even see Peter Parker become a full-fledged Spider-Man. Like we all already know how he becomes Spider-Man, there isn't a single person on the planet who doesn't know that. I mean, the other movie just came out like ten years ago. They could have summed up all of that origin story in a quick animation during the opening credits and then jumped right into Peter Parker already being Spider-Man! Ugh! Anyway. Since Jelani already went over why "The Amazing Spider-Man" was not as amazing as it should have been, I'll highlight some of the better aspects of the film. First of all, I think Andrew Garfield made for a pretty good Spider-Man. He's more quippy than Tobey Maguire and he uses his webs a hell of a lot more. In fact, that was one of the main things that they did right. Peter Parker making and designing his own web shooters with his own genius brain trumps Peter Parker miraculously developing his own webbing inside of his body somehow any day of the week. The Lizard was also pretty terrific, even though I would have liked it more if he wasn't able to speak. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have him actually wearing the labcoat for more than a few seconds. But that's just the huge nerd inside me talking. Overall, I felt that "The Amazing Spider-Man" was very underwhelming. Often times I found myself feeling bored, which is not something that I should ever feel during a FUCKING SPIDER-MAN MOVIE. FUCK. However, the action sequences were pretty cool to look at and the acting was pretty decent. If I were to watch this movie again, I'd most likely just fast-forward through all of the kissing and touching faces. Hopefully, the next two movies dwell less on the teenage romance and more on the supervillain fights.

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 unnecessary reboots
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Surprisingly no, Brian did

Tuesday Review: Prometheus (2012)

Brian's 2-cents:
Prometheus is an action movie disguised as a science fiction film.  As an avid sci-fi fan, I was disappointed by the lack of explanation of the themes in this film and left with more questions then I went in with.  I was hoping for a mind blowing tale of scientists discovering the origin of mankind, but instead I just saw some people getting torched with flame throwers.  The movie wasn't bad, I can't complain about a chick giving herself an alien abortion, but I didn't root for the main character the way I did for Ripley in Alien. Character development was thrown out the window and there was no twist at the end whatsoever. The plot was totally predictable and there were huge plot holes (why didn't the geologist who made the map have a copy of it himself?) The aliens are muscular albinos, little penis snakes, and a squid; no claws, no mouths in mouths, no nothing! The "hows" and "whys" which make science fiction such an interesting genre were ignored. Why and how did the albinos create human life? Why and how did they plan on destroying the human race? Why and how did they find the black goo? Why and how did they go extinct themselves? I got the fiction but where was the SCIENCE?!  I almost want to give this 2 out of 5 but the visual effects were stunning as promised, which drags Prometheus up to a measly 3 out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
I honestly don't understand why this movie is getting such a bad wrap. It's fun, interesting, exciting at times, and really nice to look at. Sure there are some pretty big plot holes, but couldn't the same be said about lots of other movies? Plus, there's obviously going to be a sequel so whatever was not explained in this movie will most likely be addressed in the next one. Honestly, "Prometheus" is at least five times better than most of the schlock-fests that get released nowadays. It's a unique take on the tried and true story of a space expedition gone wrong. Of course, "Prometheus" comes complete with terrifying creatures, awesomely-advanced technology, and a star studded cast. Noomi Rapace is terrific as leading lady Elizabeth Shaw, alongside the likes of Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, and Guy Pearce as a really old guy. But it's Magneto (Michael Fassbender), who plays the devious android David, that truly steals the show. If you loved "Alien" and you're not a stickler for science like Brian is, you will without a doubt be entertained by this movie.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 muscular albinos
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

Tuesday Review: Men in Black 3 (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
After a few crappy Tuesdays in a row, Men in Black 3 was a real relief.  Funny and awesome to look at, MIB3 is the perfect combination of sci-fi and comedy.  Will Smith is his classic old self, the old guy is cranky, and the young guy playing the old guy has a hilariously dry sense of humor which is the perfect foil to Agent J's (Smith's character) cheerful friendly blackness (not sure how else to explain it.) In the movie, Agents J and K travel through spacetime to kill awesome looking aliens with their big disruptors (spaceguns.) The main bad guy is Boris the Animal who is incredibly brutal and can shoot spikes out of his hands, among other badass alien abilities.  MIB3 is super fast paced and interesting, the time travel made sense and avoided most paradoxes, and the action jam-packed with explosions, car/motorcycle/unicycle chases and multi-colored alien blood being splattered hither and thither.  For being the third movie in a series, MIB3 really pulls it off, 4/5.

Ryan's Retort:
Although "Men In Black 3" is clearly not a good movie, it is extremely fun and enjoyable to watch, which a lot more than can be said about most movies that come out nowadays. The dialogue is a bit cheesy and the cinematography is unimaginative and simple, but that surprisingly doesn't hold the film back in any way. In fact, it embraces those aspects and makes you appreciate them whether you want to or not. This is only aided by the fantastic performances of Will Smith, Josh Brolin, and even Tommy Lee Jones, who clearly did not even care to be in the film. However, the best performance comes from none other than Jemaine Clement, the glasses half of the comedy duo Flight of the Conchords, who plays the awesome new villain Boris the Animal. Clement, who is known for his comedy prowess, does a fantastic job of being both threatening and likable at the same time. The ending, which doesn't really make sense if you think about it long enough, puts a neat little bow on the trilogy while not wrapping things up completely, paving the way for yet another sequel if need be. And while I personally would have no problem with a fourth Men In Black movie, I think that both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have had quite enough of this series by now. I mean, Will Smith didn't even make a rap for this one! What the shit is that? Fuck Pitbull.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 young guys playing old guys
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No way!

Tuesday Review: The Dictator (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
Sacha Baron Cohen, when will you stop? The Dictator isn't so much of a comedy as it is a groaner.  As I sat through this movie, I couldn't help but continuously groan as I was forced to sit through lame joke after lame joke. Women are inferior *groan* I hate Jews *groan* etc.  Now that I think about it, The Dictator is just Borat without all the funny catchphrases. All the best jokes were given away in the preview, so I felt like I was watching this movie for the fourth time instead of the first.  Unlike Cohen's previous work, he didn't mess with any real (or actors pretending to be real) people, giving the whole film a forced feel.  The Dictator also felt a lot less risque than Cohen's previous films, I wanted to get the shit offended out of me, but instead I was just bored.

Ryan's Retort:
Despite all of the fantastic promotion that this film had received prior to its release, i.e. Sacha Baron Cohen spilling "Kim Jong Il's ashes" all over Ryan Seacrest, I found myself surprisingly disappointed by its predictability and lack of creativity. Not only did they give away all of the best parts in the trailer, but most of the other ones fell flat on their face. I suspect that this has something to do with the fact that this was the first attempt at an actual movie by Cohen and company, as opposed to just dressing up as a foreigner or a gay guy and pulling some hidden camera hijinks. In fact, most of the humor in the film seems rather forced. It's as if they were trying really hard to be offensive just for the sake of offending people, and they didn't even do a very good job of that. Hopefully, the next movie that Cohen undoubtedly produces will be streets ahead of this one. Until then, avoid "The Dictator" at all costs. That is, unless you enjoy wasting your money and your time.

Overview
Rating: 2 out of 5 Jew jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Tuesday Review: Battleship

Brian's 2-Cents:
After seeing the preview a thousand times, it was killing me to know how exactly they were planning on making a movie out of a board game.  My question was finally answered as I sat through Battleship just barely keeping myself from falling asleep.  Watching Battleship is like watching an explosion compilation spliced with Navy commercials.  Although lousy with explosions, I found myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat trying to find a way to stay awake.  The biggest issue I have with the movie is the serious under-powering of the alien ships' weapons.  Here's a giant robotic craft which can travel faster than the speed of light, yet whose main weapons system is poorly aimed explosive pegs.  Sure, it kept to the board game theme, but that was about the only similarity between the game and the movie.  Overall, I was disappointed with Battleship because it was just so damn cheesy.  This is one of those movies where you just fast forward through all the talking parts because the plot is so self explanatory and non-twisty that I'm surprised they decided to pay real actors at all, 3 out of 5 spiky beards.

Ryan's Retort:
The climax of "Battleship" is literally the juxtaposition of a large black man with no legs fist-fighting a bearded alien and a group of ten grown men struggling desperately to carry one missile down a hallway. I think that pretty much sums up the tone of this movie: utterly ridiculous and way too serious for its own good. This movie makes absolutely no sense, despite its best efforts to over-explain every little detail of the laughably predictable plot. Why they felt the need to make it over two hours is beyond me, but I digress. The characters are all unlikeable (except for Liam Neeson who has literally 15 minutes of screentime), the dialogue is cheesy (not in a good way), and the aliens aren't even that cool. In fact, the only redeeming quality of "Battleship" is the special effects. The sea battles, as well as the land battles, look scarily real and so do the countless explosions. With that said, I have no intention of watching this movie ever again. 

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 spiky beards
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yep. Even though he drank two coffees beforehand.

Tuesday Review: Chronicle (2012)

Brian's Two-Cents:
Chronicle is about 3 teens from the local high school who mysteriously inherit telekinetic powers after dicking around near some kind of extraterrestrial (or maybe extra-planar) pointy thing.  The three affected kids are a popular kid, a not so popular kid, and a social leper.  The students overcome their status differences to hone their new-found powers, which, along with their friendship, get exponentially stronger over time.  Chronicle is interestingly filmed, in that all the shots are from the different characters personal cameras.  As the boys' powers increase to almost god-like levels, they face internal conflicts that end up in awesome telekinetic battles.  This movie really got creative with all the cool shit you can do with telekinetic powers, like flying and ripping people teeth out of their skulls.  With all the crappy and cliche sci-fi movies coming out these days, Chronicle is a pleasant deviation from the norm, 4/5.


Ryan's Retort:
What do you get when you take the best aspects of the found footage genre and the best aspects of the superhero genre, lock them in a room, and force them to have sex with each other? Answer: this movie. Chronicle is without a doubt the best superhero film of the year so far. I'm sure that Avengers will be way better, but that's besides the point. What I found most interesting about Chronicle is the brilliant way they incorporated the cameraman into the film, making him a unique and likable character who eventually gains the ability to move the camera around with his mind. This allows for some pretty awesome camera tricks, whilst simultaneously staying true to the found footage parameters. However, there were some downsides to the film. For instance, that whole cutesy videographer girl storyline is completely unnecessary and uninteresting. I have a sneaking suspicion that they just needed to have another camera-wielding character in the movie. Also, the main character tends to come off as a whiny little bitch a little too often for my taste. But when that whiny little bitch finally turns into an evil whiny little bitch, shit gets fucking serious.

Jelani Agrees:
I agree.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 floating cameras
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Fuck no.

Tuesday Review: The Grey (2012)

Watch the trailer here!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Grey stars the always serious Liam Neeson as a depressed wolf killer who struggles for survival when his plane full of middle aged men crashes and sets him in a frozen wasteland inhabited by a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. This movie is depressing as fuck, as one by one the middle-aged men get their faces mauled off by the relentless pack.  The long shots of endless winter wasteland helps drive in the truly hopeless odds the men are faced against.  The wolves are super sneaky, and there are a couple of pop-out moments which made me jump.  The acting is fantastic, but the movie is mostly that, talking.  There was a little too much crying over families and not enough bare knuckle wolf boxing for my taste.  This movie is more about what happens when people are put into a crisis situation than a lesson in how to fight wolves, which I was expecting.  A Black Metal soundtrack would have made this one a lot better, 3/5.

Ryan's Retort: 
This movie was awesome. Brian just didn't like it because he hates feelings. Granted, it would have been cool to see a little more wolf fighting. The trailer makes it seem like Liam Neeson is going to be killing lots and lots of wolves with his bare hands, but in actuality he only kills like 2 and a half. However, that doesn't mean that Liam Neeson is not as badass in this as he is in every other movie he's ever been in. I mean, come on. He's a guy that specializes in hunting and killing wolves. There's this one line that he has that goes something like, "I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds. Your teeth will be knocked in and you'll be drinking your own blood." I don't know about you, but I could listen to Liam Neeson explain things forever. In fact, there's another scene where Liam Neeson explains what death feels like to a dying man. "Look at me. Listen to my voice. You are going to feel a warm sensation overcome your body. Who do you love? Think of her." It's crazy. Every death scene in this movie is uncomfortably real and somewhat disturbing. Speaking of somewhat disturbing, there's this one part when a guy hacks off a wolf's head and triumphantly holds it in the air. Oh, did I say disturbing? I meant "really cool". Also, there were these fucking sweet shots of Liam Neeson literally being pulled out of his lovelorn dreams and tossed into the cold, harsh reality that surrounds him. It's hard to explain, but it's great. Trust me. The only problem I had with The Grey was that it felt a tad bit too long. Towards the end of the second act, our interest starts to fade and that's about when all the characters start talking about suicide and what not. It's sort of a snooze fest. But overall, I highly recommend this movie. If you like Liam Neeson, wolves, Liam Neeson fighting wolves, or snow, then go see The Grey!

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 wolf heads
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Yeah, that dingus didn't even show up.

Tuesday Review: Shame (2011)

Brian's Two-Cents:
This was one of those "fuck it, lets just see any movie" weeks because Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was sold out and we couldn't just cancel movie night.  Shame was exactly as terrible as I thought it would be, of course achieving its NC-17 rating by just showing a lot of peepazools (dicks) wagging around.  Shame is a boring and awful movie devoid of any semblance of plot or purpose.  Shame is about a sex addict who spends his time jerking off on toilet seats and dreaming about banging his sister, which sounds cool, but isn't because it's just long shots of Micheal Fassbender's stupid face with crappy pussy music (that's the only way I can describe it) playing behind it.  I felt like I was watching the sequel to Drive, especially since it had frumpy actress Carey Mulligan as the female lead.  I would have walked out on this movie if it wasn't so cold outside.  Shame has almost no plot, and it hurts to watch, the only good thing about this movie is that it's only 99 minutes long, even though it felt like I was watching Fassbender make googly eyes at chicks on the train and crying for hours. Fuck this movie, 1 cum-stained toilet seat out of 5.

Ryan's Retort: 
I whole-heartedly agree with my movie crew counterpart, Brian. This movie was incredibly boring and way too artsy for its own good. Basically, it's just Magneto crying and jerking off for 99 minutes. Sometimes he even does both at the same time. Don't get me wrong. I totally understand what this movie is about and what the director, Steve McQueen, was going for. It's a character study. Cool. I can respect that. But I don't give one single shit about anyone in this film. I mean the main characters are a perverted freak, a slutty loser, and a douchebag boss. There was one scene towards the beginning of the film that I actually really liked though. In said scene, Magneto is making googly eyes with this one chick on the train and she seems pretty into it but then gradually becomes more and more sad for no apparent reason. Then there's this awesome reveal of her wedding ring that explains everything. The fact that this is such a powerful scene despite there being absolutely no dialogue is kind of awesome. Kind of. The acting in this movie is phenomenal, but its really not worth sitting through this snooze-fest of a film. If you like watching less than moderately attractive women sing entire Frank Sinatra songs as slow as humanly possible, then this is definitely the movie for you.

Overview
Rating: 1 out of 5 peepazools
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Almost!

Tuesday Double Feature Review Part Deux: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Watch the trailer here


Jelani's Take:
Having not read the highly acclaimed book, I didn't know what to expect with this one. The trailer didn't explain anything at all, and I was a bit apprehensive about even seeing this movie at all. Now that I have experienced the lurid head-trip that is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, I will never again write off a film before I see it. This one was epic. The story revolves around Daniel Craig whose career is fucked, and who just can't catch a break as he is locked in a legal battle in which the odds ore stacked well against him. He is chosen, with the help of some sleuthing by Lisbeth, (AKA The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo) to investigate a cold case; the ancient 40 year old murder of this old guy's neice. He offers in return, some dirt on the douchebag that is running Mikael (Danny Craig) through the mud in court. Of course he accepts! But this is just the surface of this deeply engrossing film. As it turns out, Lisbeth, a young computer hacker, is having a hard time as well. She is a ward of the state, and is dealing with the most deranged and creepy social worker ever for allowance and limited freedoms. From the get go, it is hinted that Lisbeth is a total badass. Throughout the film, it is firmly asserted that she is indeed the coolest female character ever. She is tactful, ruthless, and brilliant, and her emo/punk rock look throws off everyone as to how deep her skill sets go. She saves Mikael's ass throughout the film, once she teams up with him to investigate what turns out to be a terribly fucked up family. The entire film is merely a backdrop to the life of the tattooed Lisbeth (hence the name.) She exploits every shred of the bleak situations around her and ultimately comes out on top all by her lonesome. The movie was a thriller all around. It was a thoughtful, sexy, disturbing and uniquely imagined tale of suffering and triumph in this fucked up world that we all live in. The entire cast was fantastic, and the scenery, solitary and empty as most of it was, added tension to every scene throughout. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was a great film! I would definitely see it again, although now I will probably never read the book. For telling one hell of a convoluted story with such tact, this one gets a perfect 5 out of 5 from me.

Brian: I think Jelani summed this one up pretty well, but I wouldn't call this a perfect movie, so I give it 4/5.

Tuesday Double Feature Review Part 1: Mission Impossible - Ghost Protical

Brian's 2-Cents: 
Just when you thought this franchise was done, Mission Impossible 4 comes out, by this time, since he's 3 out of 3 on impossible missions, you think the higher ups would start calling them Mission Hard or Mission Barely Doable.  On this barely doable mission, Ethan Hunt has to stop a mad physicist from launching a nuclear missile.  This time, Cruise is teamed up with Simon Pegg, the guy from The Hurt Locker, and of course, a hot chick.  Of course all 4 team members spent a good amount of their time beating people up and running away from explosions.  This movie was pretty predictable, but the cool slightly-slightly-into-the-future technology was entertaining, as were the extra long and punishing fight scenes.  I appreciated how there was no extraneous romantic plot, Tom Cruise was all like "my wife is dead, fuck it!"  This movie was entertaining but not memorable, I'm getting a little jaded from watching Tom Cruise run away from explosions, 3/5.


Ryan's Retort: 
Going into this movie, having seen exactly none of its predecessors, I can definitely say that this latest installment of impossible missions is exhilarating. Although I'm having a hard time remembering specifics, I did thoroughly enjoy the film while I was watching it. The stakes are super high in this movie from the get go. We first meet Tom Cruise as he's escaping from a high security prison for some reason. From then on, its fast-paced action sequence after action sequence. Also, this time around Tom Cruise has to work with a team. That's cool. Simon Pegg is hilarious as per usual. I'm glad that he passed his field test, because otherwise I probably wouldn't like this movie as much. Overall, Ghost Protocol is comprised of lots of pulse-pounding, somewhat forgettable scenes with little to no character development. The best, and most memorable, part of this movie is when Tom Cruise is scaling the outside of this huge building with nothing but one high-tech magnetic glove. Apparently, Tom Cruise did his own stunts including that crazy scene. To which I say, "Neat-o."

Overview
Rating:  3 out of 5 barely doable missions
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Tuesday Review: The Descendants (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Movies like The Descendants are the reason that we started this blog in the first place. Even though the middle aged snobs at the newspaper company might have you believe this is a good movie, you would be smarter to trust the brutal metal dudes here at Movie Crew Review when they say that this movie was fucking boring.  Dramatic? yes.  Acting? good.  But does George Clooney punch anyone in the face? nope.  Call me unsophisticated, but if I want drama, I'll just listen to my girlfriend talk about her stupid friends; when I go to the movies, I want VIOLENCE and BLOODSHED.  I'm not going to talk about the plot of The Descendants because even thinking about watching that movie again makes me want to go sneak into the theater next door and watch the last 30 minutes of The Muppets.  The Descendants is through and through a mom movie, and they should have a rating of 35F because this movie is incredibly boring for any non-female under the age of 35.  Fucking sucked, not brutal, 1/5.

Ryan's Retort:
I can see why critics say that this was a good movie. It was an uplifting tale of rediscovery and coping with the loss of a loved one. However, I don't care nearly enough to watch George Clooney goofing off in Hawaii for two hours. The main plot of this movie revolves around George Clooney dealing with his angsty daughters, finding out that his wife was a huge bitch that was cheating on him and, on top of all that, she is also dead. Clooney proceeds to search the many islands of Hawaii for this mysterious man that his dead wife had been banging, presumably for some sort of revenge or something. Then when they finally meet, he doesn't do anything to the guy! The least he could have done was sleep with HIS wife. She totally wanted it too. But no, Clooney doesn't punch him or ruin his marriage or anything. And once that plot point is wrapped up, it leaves me absolutely nothing to care about. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Matthew Lillard. Who the hell cheats on George motherfucking Clooney with Matthew Lillard? It just doesn't make any sense!

Jelani's Take:
Boooring! I regret my usual pre-movie coffee!

Overview
Rating: 1 out of 5 dead wives
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. Surprisingly.

Tuesday Review: The Sitter (2011)

Watch the Trailer Here

Jelani's Take:
It is the end of an era! Jonah Hill has now starred in his last movie as a fat loser. In "The Sitter", good ol' fat Mr. Hill is at his lowest as he is, as his mother put it: "in a period of stasis." Just as Michael Cera is always the lovably awkward romantic, Jonah Hill once again plays his character from "Superbad"; a fat pile who doesn't know where his life is going and needs one epic night to have some minor epiphanies. But enough ragging on that poor Pagliacci of an Oompa-Loompa! I couldn't be more delighted that this newest "Superbad" sequel stays true to its roots. Hell, it was funny! Contrary to the title, Jonah is not a babysitter. He is simply helping his widowed mother get laid by getting off of his fat ass. He is forced to watch the three children of his mother's good friends while they all go out; and hilarity ensues. The film is set in New York, and the city itself plays into the comedy, as Jonah idiotically decides to take these kids to go buy coke and go to a party to try and get laid. The plot is extremely reminiscent of "Superbad." Except... Michael Cera is replaced by a 6-year-old Paris Hilton wannabe, a pilled-out tween, and a Latin-American adopted tween terrorist of a child. The kids are an eerie amalgamation of pop-culture influence gone wrong, and it's funny to see how they interact with Jonah, who is supposed to be in his early 20's. Throughout, he helps them understand the real world outside of their parent's fucked up American dream bubble, while learning a bit about himself. Yet I digress! the movie wasn't about that al all, stupid! It was about Jonah Hill having a really, really epic night (again), getting chased by drug dealers, being awesomely gangster when he gets the chance to copy Black Dynamite's syntax, fucking up repeatedly, and then making everything right and getting back right in time to see that he made the news and that his mom got laid. It's everything you expect from these kinds of movies. Like "Scary Movie" and "Saw", you know exactly what you're getting. For not letting me down, The Sitter gets a solid 3 out of 5 stars. I recommend it for a good easy laugh.

Ryan's Retort:
You're not supposed to know this going into the movie, but Sam Rockwell plays the crazy coke dealing antagonist. And he is the best part.  Overall, The Sitter is your run of the mill raunchy teen comedy. It's pretty predictable from the get-go. But don't get me wrong, it is funny and it is mildly entertaining throughout. Most of the humor lies in the ridiculousness of the situations that fat Jonah Hill puts these three caricatures of children through. Also, fat Jonah Hill is just a funny guy in general. My main problem with this movie is that everything seemed a little too easy, making the sense of danger less prominent. Everything just happens to work out for fat Jonah Hill, whether it's stealing Bar Mitzvah money or breaking into his dad's fine jewelry store, there never seems to be any real threat of being caught. Granted, there is that one scene when he almost gets arrested. But that's it! Also, the fact that fat Jonah Hill is able to fix all of these problem-ed children within the span of ten minutes is totally unbelievable to me. However, the good does outweigh the bad (by a little bit) making this movie one that I would maybe recommend probably. If you like bratty children getting into trouble, fat Jonah Hill talking like a black guy, and gangs of muscular homosexuals then The Sitter is definitely the movie for you!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Sitter was a good laugh, but not hysterical.  My favorite scene was the classic "white guy forced to go to the black bar."  Instead of the usual awkwardness and accidental saying of "you people" (ehem, Tower Heist), This movie breaks that cliche by making Jonah Hill actually feel comfortable and befriend the stereotypically threatening black people.  The movie also reenforced the stereotype that black people think white people are all crazy, which is a hilarious concept that doesn't get enough play in movies today.

Overview
Rating - 3 out of 5 soul babies
Did Jelani Fall Alseep - No.

Tuesday Review: The Muppets

Jelani's Take:
The Muppets is on all accounts a fantastic movie. Sure it may be "for kids", but hasn't it always been? And, watching reruns now, don't you pick up on those subtly naughty nuances that flew right over your head when you were a kid? The new Muppets movie is a nostalgic nod to its legendary run, and it uses its own history as a diving board to jump right into a new pool of greatness. The story is simple; the Muppets must get back together for a reunion show in order to raise money and save the old Muppets studio from being torn down. Throughout, the Muppets have doubts that they still have what it's got to entertain, or even if their old fanbase still gives a shit about them. This is a funny hook in itself, as it creates a very strongly palpable sense of emotion within the puppets that parade around the screen. The film has as much heart as it does wit, as I found myself laughing out loud as well as letting a few "awh's" escape my lips. The story is all there, but it never takes itself too seriously, as what would create snags in the plot are simply swept under the rug. The arduous processes of gathering the old crew, driving to Paris, and refurbishing the old theatre are done in seconds with clever ease. The entire movie flows well, and doesn't have many dull moments. With great cameos and witty acts throughout, the film felt like an extended episode of the old show. The Muppets themselves, as always, looked great and interacted with the real world perfectly. Jason Segel was so so funny throughout, as the brother of the Muppet, Walter. He was such a fantastic Muppet of a man that I feel as if he should exclusively do movies that include puppets (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, anyone?). He was a perfect fit, as his overall goofiness was contagious, and his childish blithe was a  treat to behold in such a whimsical setting. i don't think I've ever had such good clean fun at the movies since I was 11. The musical numbers are all great, the interplay between the Muppets and humans is so funny, and the guest stars all delivered comedy gold just by being themselves. It was like the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but in movie form. And with songs. And for kids... Well, you get what I'm saying. For driving home the indubitable fact that the Muppets are immortally awesome, this film gets a perfect score from me. Go see it.

Ryan's Retort:
Let me just say that I have been extremely excited for this movie ever since I first heard about it approximately two years ago. Being a huge geek and a huge fan of the Muppets, I went into this film with outrageously high expectations. And to my elation, The Muppets did not disappoint. It's quite apparent that Jason Segel really gave this movie his all; his passion for the Muppets, and puppets in general, comes through tenfold in this heartfelt, hilarious, musical adventure of a film. Being as this movie is rated PG I feared for a brief moment that it wouldn't be all that enjoyable for a 21 year old man, such as myself. However, that is not the case at all. The humor of The Muppets transcends age, gender, background, and ethnicity relying heavily on sight gags, puns, and even breaking the fourth wall! It really is a treat to see a movie, geared towards children, with such a sophisticated sense of humor. At one point in the film, the Muppets must resort to kidnapping a certain celebrity host for their telethon. Now normally kidnapping is no laughing matter, as we can tell from Kermit's initial adamant disapproval. But not only does this film manage to make light of the otherwise atrocious act of kidnapping, it also somehow forces gaggles of giggles from our gullets. Now THAT'S how you alliterate, Bitches! The hilarity of this film is also perfectly complimented by wonderfully catchy tunes composed by none other than Bret McKenzie, from Flight of the Conchords. Which makes perfect sense when you think about it, being as Flight of the Conchords are all about wonderfully catchy and hilarious songs. There is honestly just way too many good things to say about The Muppets. It is a perfect Muppet movie for a new generation of Muppet fans. If you love the Muppets and have yet to see this film, you are a huge dingus.

Brian's 2-cents:
Drive by map! Why didn't I think of that?!

Overview
Rating: 5 out of 5 very manly Muppets
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Hell no.

Tuesday Review: "Tower Heist" (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Tower Heist is an action/comedy about what happens when a bunch of minimum wage shmucks who work at a fancy Manhattan apartment building get fucked over by a corrupt hyper-wealthy buisness man. Starring in the mediocreness is Ben Stiller, as Josh, the mastermind; Eddie Murphy, as Slide, the experienced criminal; and Matthew Broderick, as Mr. Fitzhugh, the unfortunate bankrupt math wiz.  The only other notable character (sorry Casey Affleck) is Odessa, played by Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious which I'm still crying over) who plays the stereotypical Caribbean maid.  Tower Heist seems to be specifically aimed at New Yorkers because they kept making references to places like Forest Hills in Queens.  I felt like if you weren't a native New Yorker, a good amount of the jokes would be lost on you.  Also, I hate when movies shoot on MTA trains because the last thing I want to think about when I'm trying to watch a movie is how fucked up the L train is going to be later.  The most funny comedian in the movie was clearly Eddie Murphy, and I was glad to see that he still had it.  The chemistry between Murphy, Stiller and Broderick is good, but the jokes in this PG-13 movie were just too general and toned-down to induce more than a chuckle out of me.  In our post movie wrap up/ cigarette, the Movie Crew decided that although the movie flowed and wasn't boring, we wouldn't want to watch it again, giving this film a final score of 3/5.

Jelani's Take:
This comedy just makes it. After a depressing first half where characters and settings are established (the setup is grim at best), the jokes start to come. Tower Heist is one of those borderline comedies, where quirky situations and funny actors are what save the overall film from taking itself too seriously. The chemistry worked, and the pure ridiculousness of the situations these Joes put themselves in made for some hilarious riffs. I felt as if I was watching improv at some points, as the entire cast pretty much decided to comedically wing-it through an Oceans 11 level heist. ("Ok, I heard penthouse robbery!") It also felt as if the jokes weren't actually written as much as they were simply conceived out of the air that surrounded the funnymen. The chemistry was all there. The dialogue was as snappy as a comic book's, and the zany antics that happened throughout the entire robbery kept the film fresh throughout. Overall though, there was nothing oustandingly memorable about Tower Heist. It was entertaining and witty, but it really didn't wow me. It took the very real theme of recession in the capital city of the world, and turned it on its head. For teaching me that grand larceny in NY penthouses isn't as hard as i had originally thought, tower heist gets a very solid 3 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
It's good to see Eddie Murphy in a non-cartoon movie in which he's only playing one person again. After Norbit and Shrek 4 I was beginning to think that he'd lost it. But Tower Heist proves that the Beverly Hills Cop still has comedic chops out the wazoo. As soon as he comes on screen, the entire movie is lifted up out of the dark, depressing place that it starts off in. Murphy admittedly has many of the film's best one-liners, i.e. "I'mma be inside having sex with Rita" and "Lesbians always have the best tits", but he delivers them with such an accute sense of timing that it's no wonder he's so god damn famous. Tower Heist is basically the love child of heist movies, like Ocean's Eleven, and comedic revenge movies, like Horrible Bosses. It's great in that there's an ensemble cast of talented actors that each plays a key role in the plan to steal things from the Tower. However, what's different about this heist movie is that the characters don't necessarily stick to their plan due to various unforeseen obstacles that get in their way during the actual heist. By which I mean that they're eventually forced to steal an entire car from the top floor of a very tall building during work hours. Talk about impossible! Overall, I had a great time watching this movie. I went in with really low expectations and I came out mildly entertained. And isn't that all we ever really want out of a movie?

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 New York jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

M.C. Enjoying Pepperoni and Motz Beef Patties, courtesy of Luigi's Pizza and Margarita for the pic

Tuesday Review: Immortals (2011)

Poseidon was the coolest

Watch the Trailer here:
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2905447705/

Brian's 2-cents:
After we all agreed Tuesday is the best night of the week, the Movie Crew went to the fancy shmancy Zigfield theater, thus completing the trifecta of NYC Clearview cinemas. Immortals is the much anticipated movie made by the same dudes who did 300.  The movie is about a man named Theseus, who is trained by Zeus to be one badass fighting machine.  When King Hyperion, played by the scratchy voiced Mickey Rourke shows up and kills his mom, Theseus vows revenge.  Rourke's character is trying to find a magical bow so he can release the titans.  I'm going to let my fellow Crew members elaborate further and just go on to telling you the highs and lows.  The action was in true 300 style, with jacked dudes (and one lady) decapitating, impaling, bifricating and generally spilling blood all over ancient (Greece).  The most original concept in this film was how the gods fought with super human speed and did like 30d6 + 50  damage (that's a lot for you who don't play D&D) with every blow.  During the first divine intervention, Apollo comes down from Olympus and literally explodes all these soldiers' heads off (while using his super-speed) with his awesome hammer.  What took away from this film was the story.  I just didn't care about Theseus like how I did for Leonidus in 300.  Also, instead of colossal titans from the actual myths, each with different personalities and abilities, the titans in Immortals were human sized and all identical, and they didn't even talk or use magic.  This was an action packed and extremely visually stimulating movie, but in the end, I felt like I wanted a little bit more epicness.

Jelani's Take:
In this giant-sized spectacular edition of Movie Crew Tuesday, we saw an epic movie on an epic screen at the Zigfeld. Now, usually, I am a bit reluctant to see movies in 3D, seeing as any fast-paced scenes are totally lost in the blurry sea of shadows that the screen spews out at me. For the first time though, 3D really and truly worked wonders. The signature slow-motion, highly polished approach that has become synonymous with the director (Tarsem Singh) looks gorgeous in 3D, and the ancient Greek setting allowed for some stunning panoramic views throughout. Everything in this movie was BIG. Every shot was a widescreen painting, and the larger-than-life concepts at play felt right at home within this setting. What really got me from the beginning was the fight choreography. From the first flash of the blade, every battle sequence played out like a brutal ballet. Especially in the battle scenes towards the end, the large battle scenes flowed with a great balance finesse and action. The story was simple enough, and needed little reinforcement: Zeus raises this orphan because he thinks that he is cool. It is up to this guy, Theseus to take down this really brutal conqueror who is trying to Ghengis Khan the shit out of the world. The gods don't like this douche, but can't interfere in the goings on of man. Blah, blah blah. What got me was that these gods, although they possessed some pretty cool feats, were pretty toned down. They were just really jacked dudes. I was expecting some higher-level godly stuff, like, at least turn giant or something. Or command the elements, or something. Poseidon was by far the most badass, as he took out the most dudes and used his godly powers the most. Other than the not-so-great gods, this movie had it all. The whole 300 thing happened again, except there were gods involved. End. I'm happy. The pleasure of viewing such a meticulously crafted piece of motion art is worth the price of admission, as this guy knows his way around a fucking green-screen. If you liked 300 and Watchmen, you're in for a real treat with Immortals. For widescreen brutal beauty, 300 Part Deux gets 4 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
Immortals was everything that I've come to expect from a big budget blockbuster based on a Greek myth. It had action, romance, suspense, slow motion decapitations, and a lot of really silly hats. I mean, the minotaur wasn't even a minotaur. Just a big dude wearing a bull's head mask made out of barbed wire. Which was cool, but nowhere near as cool as an actual minotaur would have been. The same can be said for all of the mythological entities depicted in this movie. When you think of deities such as Zeus and Poseidon, I'm sure you picture big, burly men with huge beards and long, flowing robes. However, in Immortals they look like this:

That's Poseidon. Look at how fucking silly his hat is! Every single one of the Greek gods is played by an overly attractive young actor wearing close to nothing, much like the gentleman pictured above. Which doesn't make much sense to me, but whatever. It's fine. I can look past it. But what I can't look past is how Theseus, the main character, does absolutely nothing throughout the entire movie. From a screenwriter's standpoint, I know for a fact that that is the reason why this story does not work. Your main character needs to have a goal, a purpose of existence. And they need to make decisions that will ultimately effect whether or not they achieve that goal. In this movie, Theseus' goal is to exact his vengeance upon Mickey Rourke. Which then somehow transforms into finding the magical Epirus bow that shoots these awesome light arrows. Which then somehow transforms into making sure that the Titans don't get released from their prison box, located in the secret basement of this one mountain. As you can see, things get a little muddled. And to top it all off, Theseus never makes one decision on his own. Besides wanting to brutally murder Mickey Rourke of course. Every time an obstacle is put in Theseus' way, one of those overly attractive young Gods comes crashing down to Earth to save him. There is nothing about Theseus that I find interesting or likable at all. "Oh, but he's a good fighter and he loves his mom." So fucking what? I know lots of people that are good fighters who also love their moms and I don't see them starring in any movies. Be that as it may, I did honestly enjoy watching Immortals. There's this one part when this dude gets his penis crushed by a huge mallet wielding cow-man. How could you not love that? Also, blood splattering all over the place in slow motion AND in 3D? Yes. Immortals may not be a "good" movie, but it is fucking awesome to look at.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 silly hats
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Tuesday Review: The Skin I live In (La piel que habito)

Brian's 2-cents:
The Skin I Live In is a tragic tale of revenge, starring Antonio Banderas playing Robert Ledgard, a rich and talented plastic surgeon.  Robert is haunted by the memory of his wife running away with his degenerate half brother, only for his brother to leave her burning alive after a car accident.  Robert is obsessed with skin, and is researching an artificial skin which is resistant to fire and bug bites, among other properties.  FLASHBACK!!! 6 years ago, Robert is at a fancy party when suddenly his half-crazy daughter is turned full-crazy when she takes a stroll to the ol' rapin tree.  Robby finds her unconscious under said tree and when she awakes in her father's arms, she thinks he raped her and is thereafter frightened of him.  Obviously this seriously pisses of old Robby, and, overcome by his lust for vengeance, kidnaps his daughter's rapist.  I can't give away any more plot without ruining the big reveal, but Robby tortures the shit out of this kid.  Banderas' character is amazing.  Slowly his kidnap victim turns from the object of his hatred to the object of his desire, and Robert becomes obsessed. Rob's intricate and completely soul-annihilating revenge is a pleasure to watch at first, but after a while, you're not sure if its what he really deserves.  The slow rate at which the film reveals information is a little tedious at times, but I liked how my emotions about which character to sympathize with and which to despise constantly changed.  This is a heavy psychological medical thriller somewhere in between The Human Centipede and Old Boy, definitely worth checking out, 4/5.

Jelani's Take:
It has been a while since an artsy and deep film such as this one has hit the commercial theater. I must say, we were prepared for a massive snooze-fest. With an extra large coffee and a roll of Rollos, I attacked this head on; ready for a boring foreign film. But, to my delight and surprise, The Skin I live In exceeded my low expectations by leaps and bounds. The storytelling style here was a bit jointed, (the story jumps from the weird present to the weirder past, then back to the fucked up present.) but it served the film well, as the major revelations unfold organically and really and truly surprised the hell out of me. Without giving anything away, I can tell you this much: the film centers around a demented plastic surgeon's obsessive revenge and the twisted family dynamics that serve as a backdrop of understanding for all characters present. This film is sick; not since Oldboy have I seen such an elaborate and fucked up revenge unfold. Banderas nails the role of determined socio/psycho-path good/bad guy. The story is really well developed, and there were really no plot-holes considering the convoluted dynamics present. There were a lot of "OHHH!" moments throughout, as the main character's insanity peels back its layers until the very end. The moral here: Don't fuck with Antonio Banderas! There was a bit of a lull in the middle, as the film seemed to struggle with making sense of itself, but the big revelation scenes that followed made up for it in spades. For being a sexy foreign film that also grossed me out a bit, The Skin I Live In gets 4 fucked up families out of 5. I recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
There's not much that I can say that my movie crew cohorts haven't already covered. Except for maybe the cinematography, which was phenomenal. Jose Luis Alcaine helps paint a beautiful, expertly composed picture with his use of metallic yet fleshy colors. Which totally compliments the story itself, in addition to just looking fucking awesome. Initially, I thought this movie was going to suck eggs. I mean, the trailer doesn't even make any sense. It's just a bunch of weird clips put together that don't explain or even hint at what the movie is about. But I assure you, this movie is well worth the price of admission. Although the story is told in a somewhat unorthodox way, the strange format definitely adds some extra pizazz to the big twist in the latter half of the film. Yeah, I can't believe I just used the word "pizazz" either. If I'm ever a crazy, brilliant plastic surgeon and my sorta crazy daughter gets sorta raped by some punk kid, I would totally want to exact my vengeance upon him in the same brutal way that Antonio Banderas does in this movie. Actually, wait. No, I wouldn't... You guys, it's so hard to review this movie without writing any spoilers. Like seriously. The twist is so crazy! Go see it for yourselves! At first you'll be all like, "this is weird and confusing" but then when it's over you'll be all like, "that was weird and kinda really fucked up and I'm not confused anymore". 

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 "'does that make me gay?' moments"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No

Tuesday Review/Shittier Sequel Review: Paranormal Activity 3

Jelani's Take

So, Unlike Ryan, I have not seen the first two installments of this trilogy. How it got up to this point is beyond me, but that is besides the point. The point here is that someone, somewhere, in some dark and foreboding office made the executive decision to let this pile of crap see the light of day. The entire time, I was waiting for a climax, a plot, even a hint of some kind of overarching theme or revelation that would tie it in to the previous films, making me want to watch them. NOPE! Not even close. Instead, I sat through what seemed like 60 minutes (If I had known it would be so short, I would have stayed home and watched an episode of Star Trek: TNG, or like 4 episodes of Spongebob, Fuck!) of home movie quality "BOO!" footage. The entire premise, I suppose, is that this movie serves as a prequel to the first two films. Fine. Ok, let's do this. Oh wait, but there's no plot other than "there's a ghost that wants something and is haunting our house and family." Seriously, they don't even tell you what the fuck the ghost wants. I think this ghost, Toby wanted company. I mean, if I was a big ass invisible guy who could only hang out with a 4-year-old all the time, I'd be pretty pissed too. Yet I digress! The movie was shit. Way too short for its own good, anti-climactic, and generally unentertaining, other than a couple of scenes near the end where the ghost really cuts loose, I suppose I could say that half of the movie was pretty good, seeing as the last half hour was pretty cool and the first half hour was basically 80's home movie stock footage. I was unimpressed. A tidal wave of "WHAT!?!" washed over the entire crowd as the credits started to roll, so i think it's safe to say that everyone shared my sentiments. For one pretty cool murder, Satan worship, and a few Poltergeist-esque scenes, the normal activity of going to see a shitty new horror flick gets 2 out of 5 stars. Enjoy my money, jerks. You blue-balled me.

Ryan's Retort
Having seen the first two movies, I can say that I knew the format of this movie before it even started: nothing happens until maybe the last half hour and then some things start happening and then it's over. Well, I was exactly right. Except this time they move to a different house for the last half hour! Also, there's a Satanic old women cult. Which was pretty cool, but we really didn't learn much about it. Man, I hate to see so much potential go to waste. Just when things start getting really interesting, the credits pop up. I think they're just getting lazy now. However, I will say that I did enjoy myself despite the predictable plot and the lack of an ending. What this movie has that the other two don't are two creepy little girls! It was interesting for me to learn more about the demon ghost, named Toby apparently, and piece together exactly what it wanted from the grown up girls in the previous movies. But before I go on, what the fuck kind of demon name is Toby? That's retarded. They should have named it Abazagoroth or Demogorgon or Sammael or something even remotely demon like! Whatever. Anyway, there was this cool trick that they did by placing a camera on the oscillating part of a broken oscillating fan, which allowed for several vaguely spooky scenes. And I liked how they changed up the horror movie formula by having the wife be the skeptical one instead of the husband. Although, they did resort to some tried and true staples of the genre, i.e. pot smoking, sex taping, and a babysitter! Guess they're running out of ideas, huh? On that note, I can't wait to see what kinda bullshit they pull out of their asses for the next sequel!

Brian's Two Cents
I don't really like movies where shit pops out at you, its a cheep scare.  This movie had a couple of suspenseful parts which made me squirm, and it definitely got my heart rate going.  I liked the lack of music in this film because normally the music gives away when to be scared, but in this movie, you're never safe.  The problem with this movie is that it has no re-watch value.  I know when all the scary parts are now, so why would I ever watch this again.  Also, no explanation? that's wack! as a man of science, I need to know WHY!!!?!?!?  This movie was worth the $3 I paid for it, but you couldn't pay ME to watch it again.

Overview

Rating: 2 out of 5 "BOO! I scared yous!"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Tuesday Review: The Thing

Jelani's Take
So! I finally discovered the secret to not falling asleep during the late movies! Coooffeee! Lots and lots of the shit! Albeit I needed it for the beginning setup of this movie, the thrills kept me up throughout. Not that the setup was boring, it just lacked the gritty suspense and awesome monster moments that made the rest of this film a real treat. After seeing this film, and having never seen the original, I immediately went out and bought a VHS copy (which I will review later!) The entire "who among us is the monster?" schtick mixed with really brutal monster moments throughout made for great horror movie fun. The cast of characters was great, as it included a serious motley crew; the dynamics between them were great. The alien though, was by far the best part. It used the humans as its host, and when it revealed itself, it became a twisted abomination of a thing that was shown in full. Unlike a lot of new horror, in which the monster is only alluded to or seen in the shadows, The Thing was full-frontal-in-your-face-I'MGONNAEATYOU! monster. This movie had lots of fire, lots of guns, lots of explosions, and scientists turned badass monster slayers. And death galore! I was very entertained throughout. Thanks coffee. 5 stars.

Brian's 2-cents
In a shocking change of events, I DID fall asleep during this movie because I had been studying for midterms all week.  I was awake for the first half, and I have to agree with Jelani when he says it was awesome how they showed the monster from the beginning.  The thing was gross and kept bursting out of people, which was exceedingly entertaining.  I really appreciated how each time it busted out of human form, it never went completely to blob form, but resembled a horribly injured and mutated person.  The second half of the movie I nodded in and out for, but I vaguely remember a lot of flamethrower action.  I'm going to give this one 4 out 5 with an asterisk because I would like to watch it again without falling asleep.

Ryan's Retort
Being a huge ass fan of the original movie, directed by John Carpenter, I will say that this movie was obviously not as good as it could have been. First of all, there was no Kurt Russell cameo at the end. If Kurt Russell was in this movie for even one second, I would have liked it infinitely more. But he wasn't. Fuck. However, there were some sweet references to the original movie that had me tittering in my seat like a tiny little schoolgirl, i.e. the two headed monster thing and the axe in the wall. And the monster was fucking awesome. Like really really cool. There's this one part when they're in a helicopter and this dude's face breaks open and all of these tendrils start pouring out of the crevasse in his head and it was great. Also, those Norwegians sure do love to burn things. First churches, now shape-shifting alien creatures! There was this one part towards the end when the chick ends up on the alien's spaceship or whatever. That sucked. She's like looking at this really pixelated thing moving around for unnecessarily long, and they don't even explain what said pixelated thing is. I'm assuming it was the ship's core or something. It's retarded. My main gripe with this movie was that they kind of beat us over the head with explaining how the alien can shape-shift and disguise itself. We know it can do that. You said it in the fucking trailer. My 11 year old brother knows it can do that. Stop telling us about it. Also, I don't want to see its god damn spaceship. To think that an alien that horrifying drives around space in a spaceship so clean and symmetrical just makes it way less scary. Come on, Hollywood. Get your shit together.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 bearded Norwegian men
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. But Brian did!

Tuesday Review: "Real Steel"

Brian's 2-Cents
After a lovely movie-crew-exclusive night of hanging out by the East River and watching Jelani eat a slice of pizza with gyro meat on top of it, we headed over to the 62nd st Clearview for the movie.  And just when we thought Hollywood had completely stopped making good movies, REAL MOTHERFUCKING STEEL!!!!  This movie is basically Tranformers meets Rocky, which turns out to be a fantastic combination.  Real Steel takes place in the near future, where even poor Huge Ackmans can afford smart phones, oh and did I mention THEY HAVE GIANT ROBOT FIGHTS WHERE THEY BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH! The film follows dead beat dad Huge Ackman, who gets stuck with his estranged son when his mom dies.  Hey its cool though, because this kid is really fucking good at fighting robots.  Ackman and his son go around beating the shit out of every robot they can find, until they make it to the big leagues, where they continue to brutally beat the shit out of other robots.  I loved this movie, especially the part where they fight a robot against a huge bull.  Its 2 hours of non-stop metal on metal, definitely one of the best movies of the year.

Ryan's Retort
Any movie that has a robot bonding montage is okay in my book. This movie was way better than I thought it was going to be. Who am I kidding? I knew I'd like it. Because fighting robots are always fucking awesome. And they are fucking awesome in this movie as well. I've always wanted my own fighting robot, but never as much as I do right now. I hope this movie becomes reality, that's how much I enjoyed it. Fuck real boxing. My favorite part is when the rambunctious young boy frolics through the streets with his newly acquired fighting robot pal, who can't help but accidentally knock everything out of his way. It's hilarious and I wish I was that kid. The things I would do to be the kid in this movie. I would kill 5 million babies for a robot best friend. But I digress. The only problem I had with Real Steel is that there was no ending. Everything but the final fight remains unresolved, including the fates of the little boy and his dad, Huge Ackmans. Or maybe it's just to be assumed that they never see each other again ever. I don't know. Either way, it doesn't really matter. This movie was fucking awesome, go see it so that they make another one.

Jelani's Take!

Real Steel was awesome. Plain and simple, it was a well-made movie from start to finish. I think that something can be said to the fact that regardless of its predictability, the story remained exciting and engrossing throughout. It's a tale you know very well by now; the underdog fights his (or in this case, its) way to the top, overcoming the myriad obstacles in the way. I found myself really rooting for the characters to come out on top in this one, and it was charming as hell. Oh! And robots beat the shit  out of one another. That's cool any way you slice it. All of the robots were unique and intricately designed, and it didn't hurt to have some Spielberg money to smooth the entire ensemble over and make it look as realistic as possible. Huge Ackman and whoever the hell that kid is play off each other flawlessly, with snappy banter and all around good chemistry. The fights are all great throughout. Diverse arenas, opponents, and stakes make for an entertaining experience that kept me awake the whole time. Wolverine as a deadbeat father and robot boxing buff gets 5 big stars in my book!

Overview
Rating: 5 out of 5 Gyro Pizzas
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Tuesday Review "Killer Elite" by Brian & Ryan

I was super psyched for this movie, unfortunately I was a little disappointed by the muddled plot and minimum amount of explosions.  Jason Statham is my favorite current action star (RIP Swayze), and everyone knows DeNiro is the man, but even with their forces combined into a double helix of pure awesomeness, I was merely entertained by this movie, not impressed.  In Killer Elite,  Statham goes around killing former S.A.S. agents to free DeNiro from some Osama looking motherfucker.  While Statham goes around smashing peoples faces in, Clive Owen tries to stop him on behalf of some illegal, yet not interesting, secret society.  The amount of factions in this movie made it really confusing since all British people look the same.  It was also difficult to know who to root for since there was no good or bad team.  The best scene in this movie is where my boy Jason fucks up two dudes while being tied to a chair, even so, wait for video.

Ryan's Retort 
Supposedly, this movie is based on a true story. I call bullshit. Now I don't know about you guys, but when I try to use a loaf of bread as a silencer for my pistol it typically does not work. This movie did not live up to the hype at all. Sure there was a cool chair fight, and a cool jacket fight, and this part where Robert DeNiro shoots a guy from all the way across a subway platform, but what good is all of that if you can't even understand what's going on? The plot of the movie is so exposition-y and boring that Jelani fell asleep literally every five minutes. Also, I didn't care about any of these characters; with the exception of maybe Robert DeNiro, who had about 15 - 20 minutes of screentime in total. Sure, you have a beautiful Australian girlfriend, Jason Statham. That's cool. But frankly, I just don't give a shit. 

Jelani's Blurry Take
Okay, I suppose I can't really give a really fair review to this, as I was snoring throughout most of the middle of it, But seriously, the movies that I fall asleep for are usually the ones not really worth seeing. Jason Statham was awesome throughout, and DeNiro was a super cool killing machine. It's just too bad that such a great cast of balls-to-the-wall sick-nasty action stars was relegated to this plot heavy flick. The story in and of itself was good enough, I suppose. The guys want out. Being that these guys are the best at what they do though, that is far easier said than done. Statham must pull off one last job to save his best bud, while lots of money is on the line and Clive Owen is trying to screw them over for some other reason. I feel that there was too much focus on espionage and moral statements in this convoluted and often confusing film. What I was expecting to see was my man Jason kicking guys in the face for hours, but instead he only did it for a few scenes. There were some pretty sound underlying messages in there about money and governmental systems and corruption and morality and all that nonsense, so if you're into that kind of stuff, you'll probably like it fine. This was by no accounts a bad movie, but rather an unpleasant surprise. It lulls at many points, but still shines in some, which is why Killer Elite gets 2 and a half snores out of 5.

Overview
Rating: 3 beautiful bald Jason Statham heads (out of five)
Did Jelani fall asleep: Yes.