What a load of crap! After everyone lost their shit for The Dark Night, I was expecting Hollywood to pull out all the stops for the final installment of this decade's Batman trilogy. Instead, all I got was Christian Bale mopping around his mansion and bitching. "Have sex with rich, attractive women and then go use awesome gadgets to fight evil? No thanks, my knee hurts." Come on! Maggie Jullenhal is a 6, tops, go have an 8 supermodel coke-fueled orgy, isn't that what being a billionaire is all about? half the movie isn't even about Batman, its about some cop, who loves orphans. Its all "orphans this, orphans that, I want to be like Bruce Wayne, hes an orphan." Enough with the orphans, just join a street gang and stop complaining already. Eventually, Wayne decides he wants to be Batman again (surprise!) and goes to Morgan Freeman to see what new gadgets hes got, which turns out to only be a stupid looking helicopter, nothing else. No sneaking around in this movie, just shooting lasers out of the helicopter thingy and punching dudes in the face. Rises totally skips the entire detective and problem solving aspect of the Batman character. Also, everyone in the movie already knows Bruce Wayne is Batman, everyone he meets is like, "Hi Bruc-*cough* Batman, lol, my bad *wink*." On to the abysmal dragged along plot. The villain is Bane, who, according to the Batman cartoon I watched as a kid, is supposed to be addicted to a substance called Venom which makes him super strong, bulgey, and an all together crazy 'roid raged out mother fucker. Unfortunately, in the film, hes pretty much just a normal guy whose only power is being slightly better fighter than Batman, and wearing a modified scuba diver's breathing aperatus which does.......something unexplained. What really bothered me is how after the first fight where Bane beats Batfag's ass to an inch of his life, all Batman has to do is a couple of pull-ups and sit-ups and BAM! fighter level increased thrice-fold. The movie was way too long with too much side character development (no one cares about your shitty fantasies, Alfred, go make me a fucking a sandwich!) Bane is a weak super villain, with no clear motives behind his actions except simply being mad about being thrown in jail, boo-hoo. The opening scene of this movie is the only one worth watching, 2 whiny Batmans out of 5.
Ryan's Retort:
While Brian raises a number of interesting and surprisingly valid points, I can't help but feel like he's being a little too harsh with his ratings system. Granted, "The Dark Knight Rises" is certainly not as great as "The Dark Knight" and possibly not even on the same level as "Batman Begins," but it's still a relatively good movie. Certainly worthy of more than just 2 measly Batmans out of 5. For starters, "The Dark Knight Rises" does a fantastic job of combining the best aspects of the critically-acclaimed "Knghtfall" story line from the comic books. Maybe it's just the huge nerd in me, but watching Tom Hardy's Bane effortlessly snap Batman's back on the big screen sent a few shivers down my own spine. Not to mention all of those awesome IMAX shots of bridges and buildings and football stadiums exploding. I think the only real problem that I had with the film was Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. First of all, they don't ever even call her Catwoman at any point in the movie. Secondly, she has absolutely no cats in her apartment. But besides all that is the fact that her character was just not necessary to the story in any way. Even when you think she's about to do something cool and interesting, the movie cuts to someone else doing something cooler and more interesting than she'd ever be capable of. For example, there's that part when Catwoman is sent to Blackgate (a penitentiary filled with Gotham's most evil men) and you think "Oh, this is going to be pretty sweet. Catwoman is totally going to kill some rapists or something!" But no! All she does is twist that one guy's hand and then she's released by Bane! Overall, I'd say that "The Dark Knight Rises" is a terrific ending to a terrific trilogy. However, the fact that the film consistently makes references to both of the previous films sort of takes away from the originality of this one. It's kind of like "Hey! Remember how good those other two movies were?" Also, Brian's right. Fuck John Blake.
Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 whiny Batmans
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.
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