Tuesday Double Feature Review Part 1: Mission Impossible - Ghost Protical

Brian's 2-Cents: 
Just when you thought this franchise was done, Mission Impossible 4 comes out, by this time, since he's 3 out of 3 on impossible missions, you think the higher ups would start calling them Mission Hard or Mission Barely Doable.  On this barely doable mission, Ethan Hunt has to stop a mad physicist from launching a nuclear missile.  This time, Cruise is teamed up with Simon Pegg, the guy from The Hurt Locker, and of course, a hot chick.  Of course all 4 team members spent a good amount of their time beating people up and running away from explosions.  This movie was pretty predictable, but the cool slightly-slightly-into-the-future technology was entertaining, as were the extra long and punishing fight scenes.  I appreciated how there was no extraneous romantic plot, Tom Cruise was all like "my wife is dead, fuck it!"  This movie was entertaining but not memorable, I'm getting a little jaded from watching Tom Cruise run away from explosions, 3/5.


Ryan's Retort: 
Going into this movie, having seen exactly none of its predecessors, I can definitely say that this latest installment of impossible missions is exhilarating. Although I'm having a hard time remembering specifics, I did thoroughly enjoy the film while I was watching it. The stakes are super high in this movie from the get go. We first meet Tom Cruise as he's escaping from a high security prison for some reason. From then on, its fast-paced action sequence after action sequence. Also, this time around Tom Cruise has to work with a team. That's cool. Simon Pegg is hilarious as per usual. I'm glad that he passed his field test, because otherwise I probably wouldn't like this movie as much. Overall, Ghost Protocol is comprised of lots of pulse-pounding, somewhat forgettable scenes with little to no character development. The best, and most memorable, part of this movie is when Tom Cruise is scaling the outside of this huge building with nothing but one high-tech magnetic glove. Apparently, Tom Cruise did his own stunts including that crazy scene. To which I say, "Neat-o."

Overview
Rating:  3 out of 5 barely doable missions
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: Alice Sweet Alice (1976)

By Brian
3/5

Alice Sweet Alice was lent to me by fellow horror VHS enthusiast Chi, who usually has great taste, but this movie was only good, not great.  Alice Sweet Alice starts out with a little girl getting brutally strangled and then set on fire, all in a church during her first communion.  The victim's sister, Alice, is immediately blamed for the murder.  Alice is a creepy, deranged 12 year old who collects huge water bugs and tortures the morbidly obese landlord downstairs, who she calls Fatso.  The first half of this movie is great, Alice looks and acts like the kind of child who grows up to be a serial killer, she even kills a poor little kitty cat.  However, about half of the way through the movie, Alice is all but completely cut out of the movie, and there's just a lot of the dad, the detective, and the priest, who all look exactly the same.  The second half of the movie is really boring, and mostly just women crying and a superfluous romance that I didn't care about whatsoever.  The murder scenes and the creepy little child actress who plays Alice keep this movie above the 2 star line, but just barely.  This is one of those movies without any main characters and its super confusing, you're better off just watching Friday the 13th Part 2 again.

Tuesday Review: The Descendants (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Movies like The Descendants are the reason that we started this blog in the first place. Even though the middle aged snobs at the newspaper company might have you believe this is a good movie, you would be smarter to trust the brutal metal dudes here at Movie Crew Review when they say that this movie was fucking boring.  Dramatic? yes.  Acting? good.  But does George Clooney punch anyone in the face? nope.  Call me unsophisticated, but if I want drama, I'll just listen to my girlfriend talk about her stupid friends; when I go to the movies, I want VIOLENCE and BLOODSHED.  I'm not going to talk about the plot of The Descendants because even thinking about watching that movie again makes me want to go sneak into the theater next door and watch the last 30 minutes of The Muppets.  The Descendants is through and through a mom movie, and they should have a rating of 35F because this movie is incredibly boring for any non-female under the age of 35.  Fucking sucked, not brutal, 1/5.

Ryan's Retort:
I can see why critics say that this was a good movie. It was an uplifting tale of rediscovery and coping with the loss of a loved one. However, I don't care nearly enough to watch George Clooney goofing off in Hawaii for two hours. The main plot of this movie revolves around George Clooney dealing with his angsty daughters, finding out that his wife was a huge bitch that was cheating on him and, on top of all that, she is also dead. Clooney proceeds to search the many islands of Hawaii for this mysterious man that his dead wife had been banging, presumably for some sort of revenge or something. Then when they finally meet, he doesn't do anything to the guy! The least he could have done was sleep with HIS wife. She totally wanted it too. But no, Clooney doesn't punch him or ruin his marriage or anything. And once that plot point is wrapped up, it leaves me absolutely nothing to care about. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Matthew Lillard. Who the hell cheats on George motherfucking Clooney with Matthew Lillard? It just doesn't make any sense!

Jelani's Take:
Boooring! I regret my usual pre-movie coffee!

Overview
Rating: 1 out of 5 dead wives
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. Surprisingly.

Download Special: Re-Animator (1985)

By Brian
5/5

Re-Animator is another Lovecraft inspired movie about two medical students and a hot chick who once again learn that the dead should stay dead.  It all starts when a transfer student from Switzerland who had previously studied under Hans Gruber, (yes that's the same name as the bad guy in Die Hard) comes to Arkham, Massachusetts to continue his studies.  I knew from the beginning this movie was going to be a real winner because it had a brain explosion within the first 2 minutes and tits before the 11 minute mark.  I loved how the setting of this film is no other than Miskatonic Medical University, staying true to the Lovecraft setting.  At first this seems like the average Frankensteinesqe movie; the students reanimate the buffest dude they can find and he immediately starts tearing up lab equipment, which leads to the first life lesson I learned from this movie: Never resurrect anyone who looks like they could beat you up.  If I was experimenting with glow in the dark "reagent" I would definitely start with a little kid or a chick, so I knew I could put them back down if I had to, which leads me to the second thing I learned: Always keep a bone saw handy when reanimating people.  After the initial human reanimation, a creepy doctor named Hill catches wind of the serum and decides he wants the credit for the discovery.  The student decapitates Hill, but then reanimates both his dismembered head and his body (for science!).  This leads to lots of hilarious headless body and bodyless head gags including a grotesque bloody titty sucking scene.  The climax of the movie is amazing and somewhat of a twist, but of course I'm not going to ruin it for you here.  This movie is fantastic non-zombie living dead movie with great ultra bloody and gory special effects and a story that flows and makes sense without taking itself too seriously.
5 decapitated heads sucking titties out of 5!

VHS Review: Red Planet (2000)

By Brian
2/5

Red Planet is about a bunch of dudes and Carrie-Anne Moss (Trinity from The Matrix) who are on the first manned mission to Mars.  Their job is to figure out why their terraforming projects on Mars have failed.  Although Moss is a lot hotter in this movie that The Matrix, this movie felt a lot like a "fix the ship" episode of Star Trek, which means it was boring for all you non-trekkies.  Red Planet is all over the place.  Its not about killer robots or aliens, but somehow those both got sneaked in there.  While I watched this movie all I could think about was how stupid everything was.  I felt like this movie should have focused more on the science, but instead its not focused at all.  Sure the astronauts get stuck on Mars and have to try and find their way out, but the characters are too shallow to care about.  The only good part of this move is the end where Val Kilmer says "Fuck this planet!" and gives it the middle finger so that the planet knows how Kilmer really feels about it.  Why did they bring the militarized robot? What are those stupid fucking bugs doing on Mars? and what kind of a first name for a dude is Val? These are questions that were unanswered by the end of the film. LAME!

VHS Review: The Blob (1958)

By Brian

3/5

The Blob is a classic horror film starring the coolest guy ever, Steve McQueen.  In The Blob a meteor containing a big old booger lands on Earth in a small town and proceeds the start consuming people.  The best part of this movie is the stop motion jello that they push around to represent the alien being.  The problem with this movie is that there just isn't enough blob in it.  Most of the movie is about Steve running around town trying to convince people the blob is a threat but he keeps getting laughed at, getting caught up with the law, etc.  Also Steve McQueen is supposed to be 17 in the movie, but he was actually 28 when it was filmed, and it is really fucking obvious this dude is waaaay to old to be in high school.  He so old that when he says things like "Please officer no need to get the dads involved" its just plain ridiculous.  Other than those flaws, the movie was generally entertaining.  When the blob gets big and starts really absorbing people on a large scale, it gets interesting and exciting.  The Blob is also delightfully 50's, the characters saying things like "Shucks!" and "healthfully", and the stop motion special effects have low-budget charm that new movies don't, not to mention the bad ass cars.  I liked this movie but it was a little too much Steve running around town, and not enough blob blobbing it up.

Tuesday Review: The Sitter (2011)

Watch the Trailer Here

Jelani's Take:
It is the end of an era! Jonah Hill has now starred in his last movie as a fat loser. In "The Sitter", good ol' fat Mr. Hill is at his lowest as he is, as his mother put it: "in a period of stasis." Just as Michael Cera is always the lovably awkward romantic, Jonah Hill once again plays his character from "Superbad"; a fat pile who doesn't know where his life is going and needs one epic night to have some minor epiphanies. But enough ragging on that poor Pagliacci of an Oompa-Loompa! I couldn't be more delighted that this newest "Superbad" sequel stays true to its roots. Hell, it was funny! Contrary to the title, Jonah is not a babysitter. He is simply helping his widowed mother get laid by getting off of his fat ass. He is forced to watch the three children of his mother's good friends while they all go out; and hilarity ensues. The film is set in New York, and the city itself plays into the comedy, as Jonah idiotically decides to take these kids to go buy coke and go to a party to try and get laid. The plot is extremely reminiscent of "Superbad." Except... Michael Cera is replaced by a 6-year-old Paris Hilton wannabe, a pilled-out tween, and a Latin-American adopted tween terrorist of a child. The kids are an eerie amalgamation of pop-culture influence gone wrong, and it's funny to see how they interact with Jonah, who is supposed to be in his early 20's. Throughout, he helps them understand the real world outside of their parent's fucked up American dream bubble, while learning a bit about himself. Yet I digress! the movie wasn't about that al all, stupid! It was about Jonah Hill having a really, really epic night (again), getting chased by drug dealers, being awesomely gangster when he gets the chance to copy Black Dynamite's syntax, fucking up repeatedly, and then making everything right and getting back right in time to see that he made the news and that his mom got laid. It's everything you expect from these kinds of movies. Like "Scary Movie" and "Saw", you know exactly what you're getting. For not letting me down, The Sitter gets a solid 3 out of 5 stars. I recommend it for a good easy laugh.

Ryan's Retort:
You're not supposed to know this going into the movie, but Sam Rockwell plays the crazy coke dealing antagonist. And he is the best part.  Overall, The Sitter is your run of the mill raunchy teen comedy. It's pretty predictable from the get-go. But don't get me wrong, it is funny and it is mildly entertaining throughout. Most of the humor lies in the ridiculousness of the situations that fat Jonah Hill puts these three caricatures of children through. Also, fat Jonah Hill is just a funny guy in general. My main problem with this movie is that everything seemed a little too easy, making the sense of danger less prominent. Everything just happens to work out for fat Jonah Hill, whether it's stealing Bar Mitzvah money or breaking into his dad's fine jewelry store, there never seems to be any real threat of being caught. Granted, there is that one scene when he almost gets arrested. But that's it! Also, the fact that fat Jonah Hill is able to fix all of these problem-ed children within the span of ten minutes is totally unbelievable to me. However, the good does outweigh the bad (by a little bit) making this movie one that I would maybe recommend probably. If you like bratty children getting into trouble, fat Jonah Hill talking like a black guy, and gangs of muscular homosexuals then The Sitter is definitely the movie for you!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Sitter was a good laugh, but not hysterical.  My favorite scene was the classic "white guy forced to go to the black bar."  Instead of the usual awkwardness and accidental saying of "you people" (ehem, Tower Heist), This movie breaks that cliche by making Jonah Hill actually feel comfortable and befriend the stereotypically threatening black people.  The movie also reenforced the stereotype that black people think white people are all crazy, which is a hilarious concept that doesn't get enough play in movies today.

Overview
Rating - 3 out of 5 soul babies
Did Jelani Fall Alseep - No.

VHS Review: Drunken Master (1978)

By Brian
5/5

I don't watch many Kung-Fu movies, but I think that's about to change.  Drunken Master is the movie that made Jackie Chan famous, its so old that he is actually credited as Jacky Chan (wonder why he changed it.)  From the first scene, where Chan takes a dudes hat off and plays keep away while beating him up, you can clearly see Chan's amazing ability to mix humor into his Kung-Fu.  The first scene had me giggling even though I was sitting at home alone.  The story of the movie was a little hard to understand because I have a crappy old vhs with heavily Italian-accented dubs, but it didn't matter because the movie is almost all action. What I did understand is that Drunken Master is Jacky Chan trying to save his rich daddy against an assassin named "Thunderbird" whose best line is "I'm going to kick your ass off!"  In order to defeat Thunderbird, Chan has to train with an old drunk to learn his drunken techniques.  The old master kicks ass, the dude must be pushing 80, but he fights like a pro.  Chan and the old master are stellar at kicking peoples asses with chairs, sticks, bottles, and everything else they can get their hands on.  Contrary to popular belief, Chan can also pull off Kung-Fu comedy without props, especially while using his "Lady Style Technique."  This movie was a perfect mesh of comedy and action, and at only 80 minutes, kept me at the edge of my Paxton the entire time. This was a flawless movie, so I'm giving it a flawless score of 5 out of 5.

VHS Review: Stage Fright (1987)

By Brian
3/5

Stage Fright is a horror film about a troupe of actors who face a world of trouble when one of them accidentally takes a deranged psychopath back to her theater.  What stands out the most in this movie is how the psychopath wears a creepy giant owl mask the whole time, never talking or revealing his face. The murders in Stage Fright are brutal, yet not original.  The killer uses your usual power drill, chainsaw, knife, etc. to kill his victims; some solid murders being a chainsaw bifurcation and an axe-to-mouth (yeah, I really wanted to write that.)   Personally, my favorite murder was when the psycho kills a chick on stage, right in front of all the other actors, who merely look on thinking it's part of the "intellectual musical" they are performing.  Other than that, the movie was almost entirely made of horror movie cliches, including: bad omen cat, raining really hard the ENTIRE time, oblivious cops, "Killer-Vision", super 80's soundtrack, and of course, the one chick who ACTUALLY manages to fend off the killer for longer than two seconds.  While these cliches don't necessarily take away from the film, they don't add and extra bonus points either.  The boob action in Stage Fright is also weak, only a couple pairs and shot from weird angles.  This movie lost another point for a crappy ending, which lasted way too long and didn't make a lot of sense. For being a solid, yet a little too cliche horror film, Stage Fright gets an admirable 3 oblivious cops parked right outside out of 5.

Why is it always raining in horror movies but never windy?

VHS Review: The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit (1998)

By Brian
4/5
Silly as fuck, The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit is about 5 hilariously stereotypical Latinos who each chip down 20 bucks to get a this brand new white "Ice Cream" colored suit.  Four of the men are regular hard working stiffs, but the fifth is a really really dirty homeless dude, who everyone knows is destined to ruin the suit for everyone else.  In the film, each man gets two hours to wear the suit.  The suit is fucking magical and glows and when you wear it, people around you start singing, and bitches fall all over you.  Is my favorite actor Clifton Collins Jr. in it?  Yeah he is!  Also, it's written by sci-fi master, Ray Bradbury!  This movie was really funny because all the actors talked like Cholos, and call each other taco eaters and stuff.  I know Blacksploitation, but Hispanicsplotation? that's some whole other shit.

Netflix Movie Review: Red State (2011)

by Ryan

Upon first glance, it's hard to say exactly what type of movie Red State is. While it is fundamentally based in the horror genre, the story itself is ripe with satire making it somewhat reminiscent of a dark comedy. But not quite. In fact, there were barely any jokes in this entire movie. Normally, when I think of Kevin Smith I think of "snoochie boochies" and chocolate covered pretzels. However, in Smith's latest that is not the case at all. Red State tells the tale of three young men that stumble upon this internet sex ad, pursue said sex, and then end up being tortured to death by a group of super crazy fundamentalists smack dab in the middle of God's country. Also, John Goodman is in it. Red State marks a drastic change in style and aesthetics for Kevin Smith, making this piece his first truly serious film. If you don't count fucking Jersey Girl that is; which I don't. Overall, I thought this movie was pretty good. There are a lot of dull moments in the middle and in the beginning, but the end of the second act and all of the third act are phenomenal. Especially the part when John Goodman is yelling at people and shooting things. There were some genuinely terrifying moments in this movie, which is pretty surprising to me being as it's a Kevin Smith film. Who knew the guy could do horror? Also, the acting was fantastic. When those three heathen boys are being tortured to death, you'd think that they were being tortured to death for real! However, this film suffers from being way too full of itself. While I get the whole poking fun at the Westboro Baptist Church thing and the other ATF agents thing, it still feels a little too preachy to me. Pun intended.

Rating: 3 out of 5 snoochie boochies

Special Recommendation Review: Chillerama (2011) by Ryan

It's been a while since I've seen a really good, low-budget, cheese fest of a horror movie. Chillerama came highly recommended to me by my friend Mike, who stumbled upon it at the movie theater in which he is currently employed. So naturally, once I found it on Netflix I watched the shit out of it. Like George A. Romero's Creepshow and Michael Dougherty's Trick r' Treat, this movie is a compilation of shorts tied together by one overarching story. The main plot of Chillerama revolves around the last drive-in theater in America. The proprietor of said drive-in, that one old dude from Office Space, decides to screen the ultimate compilation of lost horror film prints for one last hurrah. These films include the likes of Wadzilla, I Was A Teenage Werebear, Deathication, and my personal favorite, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. Each of these shorts were directed by a different person, yet they all share a similar sense of humor and tone. Wadzilla is about this guy that has an abnormally low sperm count, which leads him to take this experimental medication that ultimately causes his one sperm cell to grow to monstrous proportions and wreak havoc on the entire city. I Was A Teenage Werebear is a pseudo-musical about a boy that falls in love with the mysterious leader of this rebellious homosexual gang and the repercussions that he faces for getting close to them. The Diary of Anne Frankenstein tells the tale of Adolf Hitler's discovery of the fabled Frankenstein diary and his subsequent creation of a large Jewish monster pieced together from dead Jews. And Deathication is a poop pun. Meanwhile in the main story, the patrons of the drive-in are all slowly turning into mindless sex zombies because of this blue goo secreted by this one dude that tried to get a blowjob from a corpse in the beginning of the film. Clearly, this movie is awesome. It's always a real treat when the cheesy B-movie that you're watching is aware of how cheesy it is and embraces that cheesiness to its full potential. The only thing that bothered me about this movie was its ending. After all of the sex zombie madness is said and done, we join four middle-aged men watching the movie in a crowded theater. These four men, the directors of the films in the movie, do not add anything to the film and are completely unnecessary. My guess is that they just wanted some screen time. Also, there's a point towards the end of the film when everyone just starts saying really famous movie quotes for some reason. It was kinda funny at first, but after a while it just gets annoying. It makes me think that they were at a loss for their own clever one-liners and so they decided to borrow some pre-existing ones. But other than those few minor issues, I can honestly say that I really enjoyed Chillerama. If you're looking for a good, mildly scary, funny, and kind of disgusting movie to watch, then Chillerama is the movie for you!

Rating: 4 out of 5 mindless sex zombies