Netflix Movie Review: Birdemic (2010)

by Ryan

There aren't enough insults in the English language to sum up the amount of contempt that I have for this movie. Billed as a "great cult movie" among the likes of "The Room" and "Troll 2," I figured I'd give "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" a shot. After all, "The Room" is one of the best worst things I have ever seen in my entire life. Unfortunately, saying that "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" pales in comparison to Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece is an understatement. "Birdemic" is god awful with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. How I was able to sit through this hour and a half long piece of crap without falling asleep once if beyond me. Basically, "Birdemic" tells the story of a man and a woman who meet in this restaurant and then start dating. They knew each other in high school, the guy was really shy back then, yadda yadda yadda, it's really boring. Then, birds come out of nowhere are start attacking people for no apparent reason. Not just any birds, mind you. Poorly animated .gifs of eagles placed equidistant from each other inserted directly over shots of people pretending to shoo away nothingness. The sound effect of the same one bird squawking is literally played on a loop throughout the duration of each attack. There are three different eagle animations used during the movie: eagle just barely flapping its wings, eagle just barely flapping its wings with its back towards the camera, and eagle swooping down and crashing into something. There is no shock in this movie, nor is there any terror. In fact, they should have just called this movie "Birdemic: Shockingly Boring and Terrible." Now, I have seen plenty of horrible movies in my life but this one takes the cake. Every shot and scene is way longer than it needs to be, all of the dialogue is unrealistic and boring, and the "special effects" are atrocious. If I had a functioning time machine in my possession, I would use it to go back before I ever watched this movie and tell my past self to not even bother.

Rating: 1 out of 5 poorly animated eagles

Tuesday Review: Prometheus (2012)

Brian's 2-cents:
Prometheus is an action movie disguised as a science fiction film.  As an avid sci-fi fan, I was disappointed by the lack of explanation of the themes in this film and left with more questions then I went in with.  I was hoping for a mind blowing tale of scientists discovering the origin of mankind, but instead I just saw some people getting torched with flame throwers.  The movie wasn't bad, I can't complain about a chick giving herself an alien abortion, but I didn't root for the main character the way I did for Ripley in Alien. Character development was thrown out the window and there was no twist at the end whatsoever. The plot was totally predictable and there were huge plot holes (why didn't the geologist who made the map have a copy of it himself?) The aliens are muscular albinos, little penis snakes, and a squid; no claws, no mouths in mouths, no nothing! The "hows" and "whys" which make science fiction such an interesting genre were ignored. Why and how did the albinos create human life? Why and how did they plan on destroying the human race? Why and how did they find the black goo? Why and how did they go extinct themselves? I got the fiction but where was the SCIENCE?!  I almost want to give this 2 out of 5 but the visual effects were stunning as promised, which drags Prometheus up to a measly 3 out of 5.

Ryan's Retort:
I honestly don't understand why this movie is getting such a bad wrap. It's fun, interesting, exciting at times, and really nice to look at. Sure there are some pretty big plot holes, but couldn't the same be said about lots of other movies? Plus, there's obviously going to be a sequel so whatever was not explained in this movie will most likely be addressed in the next one. Honestly, "Prometheus" is at least five times better than most of the schlock-fests that get released nowadays. It's a unique take on the tried and true story of a space expedition gone wrong. Of course, "Prometheus" comes complete with terrifying creatures, awesomely-advanced technology, and a star studded cast. Noomi Rapace is terrific as leading lady Elizabeth Shaw, alongside the likes of Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, and Guy Pearce as a really old guy. But it's Magneto (Michael Fassbender), who plays the devious android David, that truly steals the show. If you loved "Alien" and you're not a stickler for science like Brian is, you will without a doubt be entertained by this movie.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 muscular albinos
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Nope.

VHS Review: Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990)

By Brian
5/5


Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor is everything one could ask for in a science fiction horror.  Metamorphosis is about scientists working on a sample of an extraterrestrial life form handed down from the government to a private company.  At first the scientists create a couple of silly animatronic abominations by mixing the alien cells with common earth creatures, but then all hell brakes loose as one of the monsters bites a scientist, causing him to go through a grotesque, pink, bloody, squishy metamorphosis.  The scientist enclosed in his alien cocoon continuously writhes in pain and screams while his entire physical structure is changed down to the cellular level.  After a few weeks, a giant bloodthirsty alien penis dragon emerges from the former scientist and proceeds to brutalize everyone and everything it can get its penis mouth around.  The gore in this movie is fantastic, nothing can stop the dick dragon as it bites off heads, throws around sexy teenagers with its tendrils, and shoots spiky, poison laden projectiles.  If animatronics aren't your cup of tea, there is also some sweet claymation as the alien wiener monster shambles around on its four awkward legs.  Metamorphosis is written and directed by the same guy, Glenn Takakjian, who deserves the highest of fives for creating such a great horror scifi film.  I was also pleased that there was a character named Brian who didn't die in the film, even though I am pretty sure all the characters in the film died from cancer a few years later (watch the film to find out why!)  Finally, the movie was funny, featuring not one but TWO Star Trek references and the classic rambunctious teenagers with their awful dialogue: "It ate some guy!", there was even some mostly accurate hard science thrown in there.  Awesome. Fucking. Movie. 5 tendril flinging, poison spike pad launching, dripping uncircumcised toothed dong dragons out of 5!

This guy had it coming

Nicolas Cage Movie Review: City of Angels (1998)

by Ryan

This movie opens on a young girl who has just died during an intense surgical operation. Her ghost appears next to her body and looks up to see Nicolas Cage, in a long black coat staring back at her. "Are you God?" the little girl asks. "No," says Nicolas Cage. "I'm Seth." "City of Angels" was recommended to me by my girlfriend who knows how much I idolize Nicolas Cage, which also happens to be the only reason I would ever even think about watching a movie like this. Well, let me be the first to say that this movie is fucking garbage. The fact that I was able to sit through it in its entirety is a testament to my love and devotion for Nicolas Cage, but I digress. In "City of Angels," Cage plays an angel named Seth Plate, who is essentially in charge of escorting freshly deceased souls to Heaven. Then one day he meets Meg Ryan and falls in love with her, turning his whole world upside down. Meg Ryan, a peppy young doctor with a heart of gold, also happens to be the only human on the planet that can see Nicolas Cage for some reason. Anyway, they start talking and eventually she finds out that he's an angel and she freaks out and Nicolas Cage is all sad and what not. Then he decides that he loves Meg Ryan so much that he's willing to give up being an angel for her. But in order for an angel to become human, they need to jump off of this one really tall scaffolding located at the center of this construction site. What comes next is probably the best part of the movie: Nicolas Cage stumbling around in his newfound human body, screaming with excitement and showing everyone his bloodied hands. After that, everything else is really boring and sentimental. The story is extremely simple and predictable, the soundtrack is atrocious, and the dialogue is incredibly unrealistic. At one point Nicolas Cage asks Meg Ryan to describe what a pear tastes like, to which she replies "It's like a sugary sand that dissolves in your mouth." Um... Meg Ryan, have you ever actually eaten a pear before?

Rating: 2 out of 5 pear metaphors

Tuesday Review: Men in Black 3 (2012)

Brian's 2-Cents:
After a few crappy Tuesdays in a row, Men in Black 3 was a real relief.  Funny and awesome to look at, MIB3 is the perfect combination of sci-fi and comedy.  Will Smith is his classic old self, the old guy is cranky, and the young guy playing the old guy has a hilariously dry sense of humor which is the perfect foil to Agent J's (Smith's character) cheerful friendly blackness (not sure how else to explain it.) In the movie, Agents J and K travel through spacetime to kill awesome looking aliens with their big disruptors (spaceguns.) The main bad guy is Boris the Animal who is incredibly brutal and can shoot spikes out of his hands, among other badass alien abilities.  MIB3 is super fast paced and interesting, the time travel made sense and avoided most paradoxes, and the action jam-packed with explosions, car/motorcycle/unicycle chases and multi-colored alien blood being splattered hither and thither.  For being the third movie in a series, MIB3 really pulls it off, 4/5.

Ryan's Retort:
Although "Men In Black 3" is clearly not a good movie, it is extremely fun and enjoyable to watch, which a lot more than can be said about most movies that come out nowadays. The dialogue is a bit cheesy and the cinematography is unimaginative and simple, but that surprisingly doesn't hold the film back in any way. In fact, it embraces those aspects and makes you appreciate them whether you want to or not. This is only aided by the fantastic performances of Will Smith, Josh Brolin, and even Tommy Lee Jones, who clearly did not even care to be in the film. However, the best performance comes from none other than Jemaine Clement, the glasses half of the comedy duo Flight of the Conchords, who plays the awesome new villain Boris the Animal. Clement, who is known for his comedy prowess, does a fantastic job of being both threatening and likable at the same time. The ending, which doesn't really make sense if you think about it long enough, puts a neat little bow on the trilogy while not wrapping things up completely, paving the way for yet another sequel if need be. And while I personally would have no problem with a fourth Men In Black movie, I think that both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have had quite enough of this series by now. I mean, Will Smith didn't even make a rap for this one! What the shit is that? Fuck Pitbull.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 young guys playing old guys
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No way!

VHS Review: The Lift (1983)

By Brian
2/5

I've seen a lot of horror movies about a wide variety of evil inanimate objects, but an elevator was a new one for me.  The Lift is about an elevator mechanic who is assigned to the task of finding out whats wrong with an elevator which is acting very evilly.  Fortunately for the characters and unfortunately for the viewer, the evil elevator totally sucks at killing people, sometimes I felt it wasn't even trying to murder.  The first 30 minutes of this movie is awesome, including a sweet decapitation (the highlight of the film) but then for 45 minutes or so, you are forced to sit through an entirely murderess investigation, where the antagonist goes around talking to scientists and college professors building up the entirely self-explanatory plot until I was ready to just fast forward through the talking parts..  Only about five or six people actually die in this movie, because you have to get pretty close to an elevator for it to actually get you, it can't exactly walk around and find its own victims.  Instead wasting your 90 minutes watching this whole tape, I would recommend watching of the decapitation part on youtube and then moving on with your life, 2 evil gooey microchips out of 5.