Special Recommendation Movie Review - Bedazzled (1967) - by Ryan

Did you guys know that that movie with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley as Satan is a remake? Because I sure didn't. The original movie came highly recommended to me, by my girlfriend. So I watched it. And it was great! The original "Bedazzled" is way quirkier than its American counterpart. Quirkier in that British humor kinda way that only British people can pull off. Also, this movie clearly had a much lower budget than the American one. So good for them for coming up with such a creative and interesting story. In this version, the main character (Not Brendan Fraser) is a miserable shlub with nothing to live for. Not Brendan Fraser is about to kill himself, when all of a sudden this mysterious man with a cloak somehow gets into his apartment and offers him a million pounds. I don't know how much that is in American money, but I'm assuming its a lot. Anyway, we find out that all Not Brendan Fraser cares about in life is this one homely girl that he works with. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Satan. So Satan gives Not Brendan Fraser seven wishes and each of them has something to do with trying to get this homely girl. But Satan, being the tricky son of a bitch that he is, fucks up each one of the wishes and completely screws Not Brendan Fraser over. I kept expecting Satan's tricks to be the same as in the American remake, like how Elizabeth Hurley makes Brendan Fraser gay in that one wish and then he has a tiny penis in that other wish. But in this version, Satan is just an outright asshole who personally sees to it that this guy does not ever get what he wants. Overall, I think I like the remake better. But this movie has a lot of hilarious things as well. Like this one part when Satan is a popstar singing this song that's making fun of 60's pop music. And this other part when everyone is a nun. So see this movie! Or don't!

Rating: 3 out of 5 Brendan Frasers

Welcome to Movie Crew!

Welcome to Movie Crew Review! Where three of the most rad-tastic New Yorkers that you could shake a stick at bring you correct and indisputably sound opinions!  On a scale of four wormy apples and whether or not I fell asleep, we will supply you with your fix of reviews of new releases, (that we see, regardless of other reviews, EVERY TUESDAY) classics, and random movies that we find and add to our colossal (yet ever growing) VHS collection! We have come to a great realization; an epiphany! It is our civic duty as movie buffs to right wrongs, deliver fair and truthful reviews, and fight crime! But seriously folks, when we’re not punching bad guys in the face, we’re shaking our heads at the idiotic and inaccurate reviews seen in newspapers, television, and even here, on the last beacon of truth, the internet! Surely publishing such reviews is as dastardly as stealing candy from a baby, or a purse from an old lady, or MURDER! So, instead of going to the movies based on a review you read in the paper (we have learned, you cannot trust ANY of them!) and being sorely disappointed, let us guide you through the pearly gates of truly entertaining entertainment.  And come on, you can’t trust just ONE GUY! But THREE!?!? How could you go wrong? Between the cynical Brian, the easily entertained (and also bored) Jelani, and the chock-full-of-actual-movie-knowledge Ryan, all of your questions about whether a movie is crap or gold will be answered. So open your mind, join the ranks of Movie Crew! Don’t trust reviewers, trust THESE reviewers! Excelsior! (I’ve always wanted to say that, sorry Stan!)

-  Jelani

Special Thursday Movie Review: Human Centipede 2 - Full Sequence

Jelani's Take
Oh sweet Jesus! Where in the fucking hell do i even start!?!? This movie was... Uh... Hm... Good? Yeah! It was good. I think. Well, I guess I'll start with this: A couple years back, Me, Brian and our old roommate Michael Giurato (May Satan have mercy on his soul...) went to see Human Centipede at the IFC theater downtown. It was a great time. For those who have never been to the IFC theater, it is a grand throwback to the way the movies used to be. People socialize, laugh, and generally have a great time. We of course, returned to this great theater to experience the sequel to this great movie. (regardless of how people feel about it, we loved it. Might have been the atmosphere or something, but whatever. Fuck off.) So! Naturally, we were ready for a similar experience; a horror/thriller romp through "100% medically accurate"  playland! God, were we wrong. This black and white gore film is a parody of its first incarnation. It is disgusting. There were a couple of parts that I literally could not watch. It made Saw look like a slapstick episode of Looney Tunes. Like, really. Seriously. You've gotta have a strong stomach to watch this. Basically, the story follows a completely silent, mentally challenged, middle aged psycho toad of a man who is obsessed with the "100% medically accurate" precursor. Very egregiously, he kidnaps the most random assortment of people and then performs brutally crude amateur surgery on them. End. Throughout, we were hysterically laughing, as it was the only response that we could bring ourselves to. If you sit and watch this and take it seriously, it will be a bad trip. The characters are so ridiculous that one can't help but laugh. Oh, and did I mention that it is the most horrifically brutal movie I've ever seen? Oh yeah, I totally did. (geez, it's hard to shake those images.) But, overall it is well made. It is basically a big fuck you to everyone who criticized the ridiculousness of the first, and it had Easter eggs galore for those of us who enjoyed it. If you want to have a great time at the movies, go see this shit at the IFC. You won't know what to think afterwards, and you will undoubtedly have some laughs repeating the awesome one-liners and golden character moments (hint hint, there are just over a dozen of them) afterwards. Every scene is gut-wrenching, and dark, and weird, and artsy, and tongue-in-cheek, and over-the-top. For being a unique movie experience in every way, shape, and form, Human Centipede 2 definitely gets SOME stars.

Ryan's Retort
What. The. Fuck. I don't even know whether I liked this movie or not. I mean, I definitely had a good time watching it. I think. But it's like Tom Six went out of his way to make this movie the most fucked up, disgusting, and distasteful movie of all time. For example, the protagonist of the story is a really crazy, really fat retarded midget that barely speaks and was sexually abused by his father as a baby. Cool, huh? It gets worse. This story takes place in the "real" universe, in which the original "Human Centipede" is just a film. And said fat retarded midget just happens to be completely obsessed with it. He has handmade scrapbooks, a pet centipede, the works. Also, he's been working on a human centipede of his own; a full sequence human centipede with ten people, which includes a loud-mouth British wanker, the main actress from the first movie, and a pregnant woman. Yeah, that's right. A fucking pregnant woman. Is nothing sacred in this movie? Yes. Nothing is sacred indeed. I won't give away all of the details, but that baby dies in a very very awful way. Also, there's a part when poop is literally flung at the camera. Yucky! I recall my Movie Crew counterpart, Brian, asking why they would decide to shoot in black and white. At the time we didn't know. Well, by the end of the movie we got our answer. If this movie was in full color, it would be completely and utterly unwatchable. Take from that what you will. I'm going to go cry.

Brian's 2-cents
I enjoyed squirming and uncomfortably giggling while I watch the rotund baby rapped mute eat a nice dinner with his mother whom seconds before had her entire head and face completely annihilated by a crowbar leaving nothing but a crooked, jutting jaw bone and some bloody matted hair.  This movie was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I own 2 snuff films on VHS. SOME STARS!

Overview
Rating: Some stars
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. God no.

Tuesday Review: The Thing

Jelani's Take
So! I finally discovered the secret to not falling asleep during the late movies! Coooffeee! Lots and lots of the shit! Albeit I needed it for the beginning setup of this movie, the thrills kept me up throughout. Not that the setup was boring, it just lacked the gritty suspense and awesome monster moments that made the rest of this film a real treat. After seeing this film, and having never seen the original, I immediately went out and bought a VHS copy (which I will review later!) The entire "who among us is the monster?" schtick mixed with really brutal monster moments throughout made for great horror movie fun. The cast of characters was great, as it included a serious motley crew; the dynamics between them were great. The alien though, was by far the best part. It used the humans as its host, and when it revealed itself, it became a twisted abomination of a thing that was shown in full. Unlike a lot of new horror, in which the monster is only alluded to or seen in the shadows, The Thing was full-frontal-in-your-face-I'MGONNAEATYOU! monster. This movie had lots of fire, lots of guns, lots of explosions, and scientists turned badass monster slayers. And death galore! I was very entertained throughout. Thanks coffee. 5 stars.

Brian's 2-cents
In a shocking change of events, I DID fall asleep during this movie because I had been studying for midterms all week.  I was awake for the first half, and I have to agree with Jelani when he says it was awesome how they showed the monster from the beginning.  The thing was gross and kept bursting out of people, which was exceedingly entertaining.  I really appreciated how each time it busted out of human form, it never went completely to blob form, but resembled a horribly injured and mutated person.  The second half of the movie I nodded in and out for, but I vaguely remember a lot of flamethrower action.  I'm going to give this one 4 out 5 with an asterisk because I would like to watch it again without falling asleep.

Ryan's Retort
Being a huge ass fan of the original movie, directed by John Carpenter, I will say that this movie was obviously not as good as it could have been. First of all, there was no Kurt Russell cameo at the end. If Kurt Russell was in this movie for even one second, I would have liked it infinitely more. But he wasn't. Fuck. However, there were some sweet references to the original movie that had me tittering in my seat like a tiny little schoolgirl, i.e. the two headed monster thing and the axe in the wall. And the monster was fucking awesome. Like really really cool. There's this one part when they're in a helicopter and this dude's face breaks open and all of these tendrils start pouring out of the crevasse in his head and it was great. Also, those Norwegians sure do love to burn things. First churches, now shape-shifting alien creatures! There was this one part towards the end when the chick ends up on the alien's spaceship or whatever. That sucked. She's like looking at this really pixelated thing moving around for unnecessarily long, and they don't even explain what said pixelated thing is. I'm assuming it was the ship's core or something. It's retarded. My main gripe with this movie was that they kind of beat us over the head with explaining how the alien can shape-shift and disguise itself. We know it can do that. You said it in the fucking trailer. My 11 year old brother knows it can do that. Stop telling us about it. Also, I don't want to see its god damn spaceship. To think that an alien that horrifying drives around space in a spaceship so clean and symmetrical just makes it way less scary. Come on, Hollywood. Get your shit together.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 bearded Norwegian men
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. But Brian did!

Dragon Movie Review: Dragon Wars (D-War) - By Ryan

Let me just go right ahead and say that this movie wasn't as awesome as one would assume it is, being that it is called "Dragon Wars". First of all, the main dragon isn't even really a dragon but more so just a very large cobra. But there are some real dragons and they do go to war with each other and what not, so don't you worry about that. Anyway, the movie starts with some random old dude telling this child about these ancient Dragon Wars and how this sect of assholes, called the Red Dragon, are constantly after this jade necklace called the Yu Yuji or something similar to that. Then we never see that old dude or that child again and we somehow get to modern day where this chick has the Yu Yuji. Then a bunch of talking stuff happens, which I don't remember because I wasn't paying attention. Then the main Dragonlord from the Red Dragon sect shows up and the huge cobra dragon starts stalking the chick with the Yu Yuji and kills several people. It isn't until the climax of the movie that things get really cool. Dragons start coming out of nowhere and attacking innocent people all over the city. They're fucking up buildings and helicopters and everything! Then there's this whole other subplot about some dude being like the chosen one or some bullshit like that. And then it ends with this majestic Chinese dragon flying off into the sunset. I probably would have been moved if I had any idea of what was going on. This movie was clearly made by a small Korean production studio, with a Korean director that does not speak any English. The editing is terrible, the acting is atrocious, and the story is really hard to follow. But man, do those dragons look good.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Yu Yujis

VHS Review: Boogie Nights (1997)

2/5

When I bought this tape for $1.08 at the Goodwill, I was thrilled because it had one of my favorite people of all time in it, John C. Reilly.  In this movie, Reilly plays Reed Rothchild, a porn star just trying to make a living boning chicks and acting silly.  One day Rothchild is just chilling at his bosses sweet ass pad with a pool and hot chicks when some new dude comes along and drinks margaritas with him.  The new dude has a big dick or something and ends up co-staring in a action/porno with Rothchild.  2 hours later, Rothchild realizes he just wanted to do magic tricks the whole time, and quits porno, the end.  This movie was way too long, the first half of the movie having no conflict at all.  When the conflict (some guy who's not John C. Reilly gets addicted to drugs) finally happens, its predictable and not that interesting.  Oh did I mention you get to see Reilly shred some sweet guitar and Don Cheadle's there.  For your Health

Parents House Special: "Splice" (2009)

5 sexy abominations out of 5
I remember reading a review for Splice in the newpaper that said it was terrible, BUT THEY WERE FUCKING WRONG!  This movie wasn't enjoyable for the whole family, but I made my sister and mom sit through it anyway, because pops and I really wanted to watch it.  Splice is about Adrien Brody and some chick (Sarah Polley), who are punk rocky scientists messing around with combining different animal genes together.  After their bitchy boss lady tells them not to use human DNA, they do anyway.  At first the abomination is really gross, then its really cute, then its really sexy.  Did I just say sexy monster? yeah I did!  The abomination, which they name Dren, grows up in a matter of weeks to look like a bald hot chick with kangaroo legs and a sweet ass tail complete with brutal poisonous stinger.  I loved how Adrien Brody and I both came to realize that Dren was kinda hot at the same time. And after a super lame clothes-on sex scene between Brody and his mediocre looking girlfriend, you get to see Brody fuck this shit out of this monster.  Monster sex scene? you know I'm into that!  I don't want to give away too much, but the ending of this movie is creative and surprising.  See this movie, its one of the most original scifi films I've seen in a while.