Tuesday Double Feature Review Part 1: Mission Impossible - Ghost Protical

Brian's 2-Cents: 
Just when you thought this franchise was done, Mission Impossible 4 comes out, by this time, since he's 3 out of 3 on impossible missions, you think the higher ups would start calling them Mission Hard or Mission Barely Doable.  On this barely doable mission, Ethan Hunt has to stop a mad physicist from launching a nuclear missile.  This time, Cruise is teamed up with Simon Pegg, the guy from The Hurt Locker, and of course, a hot chick.  Of course all 4 team members spent a good amount of their time beating people up and running away from explosions.  This movie was pretty predictable, but the cool slightly-slightly-into-the-future technology was entertaining, as were the extra long and punishing fight scenes.  I appreciated how there was no extraneous romantic plot, Tom Cruise was all like "my wife is dead, fuck it!"  This movie was entertaining but not memorable, I'm getting a little jaded from watching Tom Cruise run away from explosions, 3/5.


Ryan's Retort: 
Going into this movie, having seen exactly none of its predecessors, I can definitely say that this latest installment of impossible missions is exhilarating. Although I'm having a hard time remembering specifics, I did thoroughly enjoy the film while I was watching it. The stakes are super high in this movie from the get go. We first meet Tom Cruise as he's escaping from a high security prison for some reason. From then on, its fast-paced action sequence after action sequence. Also, this time around Tom Cruise has to work with a team. That's cool. Simon Pegg is hilarious as per usual. I'm glad that he passed his field test, because otherwise I probably wouldn't like this movie as much. Overall, Ghost Protocol is comprised of lots of pulse-pounding, somewhat forgettable scenes with little to no character development. The best, and most memorable, part of this movie is when Tom Cruise is scaling the outside of this huge building with nothing but one high-tech magnetic glove. Apparently, Tom Cruise did his own stunts including that crazy scene. To which I say, "Neat-o."

Overview
Rating:  3 out of 5 barely doable missions
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: Alice Sweet Alice (1976)

By Brian
3/5

Alice Sweet Alice was lent to me by fellow horror VHS enthusiast Chi, who usually has great taste, but this movie was only good, not great.  Alice Sweet Alice starts out with a little girl getting brutally strangled and then set on fire, all in a church during her first communion.  The victim's sister, Alice, is immediately blamed for the murder.  Alice is a creepy, deranged 12 year old who collects huge water bugs and tortures the morbidly obese landlord downstairs, who she calls Fatso.  The first half of this movie is great, Alice looks and acts like the kind of child who grows up to be a serial killer, she even kills a poor little kitty cat.  However, about half of the way through the movie, Alice is all but completely cut out of the movie, and there's just a lot of the dad, the detective, and the priest, who all look exactly the same.  The second half of the movie is really boring, and mostly just women crying and a superfluous romance that I didn't care about whatsoever.  The murder scenes and the creepy little child actress who plays Alice keep this movie above the 2 star line, but just barely.  This is one of those movies without any main characters and its super confusing, you're better off just watching Friday the 13th Part 2 again.

Tuesday Review: The Descendants (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Movies like The Descendants are the reason that we started this blog in the first place. Even though the middle aged snobs at the newspaper company might have you believe this is a good movie, you would be smarter to trust the brutal metal dudes here at Movie Crew Review when they say that this movie was fucking boring.  Dramatic? yes.  Acting? good.  But does George Clooney punch anyone in the face? nope.  Call me unsophisticated, but if I want drama, I'll just listen to my girlfriend talk about her stupid friends; when I go to the movies, I want VIOLENCE and BLOODSHED.  I'm not going to talk about the plot of The Descendants because even thinking about watching that movie again makes me want to go sneak into the theater next door and watch the last 30 minutes of The Muppets.  The Descendants is through and through a mom movie, and they should have a rating of 35F because this movie is incredibly boring for any non-female under the age of 35.  Fucking sucked, not brutal, 1/5.

Ryan's Retort:
I can see why critics say that this was a good movie. It was an uplifting tale of rediscovery and coping with the loss of a loved one. However, I don't care nearly enough to watch George Clooney goofing off in Hawaii for two hours. The main plot of this movie revolves around George Clooney dealing with his angsty daughters, finding out that his wife was a huge bitch that was cheating on him and, on top of all that, she is also dead. Clooney proceeds to search the many islands of Hawaii for this mysterious man that his dead wife had been banging, presumably for some sort of revenge or something. Then when they finally meet, he doesn't do anything to the guy! The least he could have done was sleep with HIS wife. She totally wanted it too. But no, Clooney doesn't punch him or ruin his marriage or anything. And once that plot point is wrapped up, it leaves me absolutely nothing to care about. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Matthew Lillard. Who the hell cheats on George motherfucking Clooney with Matthew Lillard? It just doesn't make any sense!

Jelani's Take:
Boooring! I regret my usual pre-movie coffee!

Overview
Rating: 1 out of 5 dead wives
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. Surprisingly.

Download Special: Re-Animator (1985)

By Brian
5/5

Re-Animator is another Lovecraft inspired movie about two medical students and a hot chick who once again learn that the dead should stay dead.  It all starts when a transfer student from Switzerland who had previously studied under Hans Gruber, (yes that's the same name as the bad guy in Die Hard) comes to Arkham, Massachusetts to continue his studies.  I knew from the beginning this movie was going to be a real winner because it had a brain explosion within the first 2 minutes and tits before the 11 minute mark.  I loved how the setting of this film is no other than Miskatonic Medical University, staying true to the Lovecraft setting.  At first this seems like the average Frankensteinesqe movie; the students reanimate the buffest dude they can find and he immediately starts tearing up lab equipment, which leads to the first life lesson I learned from this movie: Never resurrect anyone who looks like they could beat you up.  If I was experimenting with glow in the dark "reagent" I would definitely start with a little kid or a chick, so I knew I could put them back down if I had to, which leads me to the second thing I learned: Always keep a bone saw handy when reanimating people.  After the initial human reanimation, a creepy doctor named Hill catches wind of the serum and decides he wants the credit for the discovery.  The student decapitates Hill, but then reanimates both his dismembered head and his body (for science!).  This leads to lots of hilarious headless body and bodyless head gags including a grotesque bloody titty sucking scene.  The climax of the movie is amazing and somewhat of a twist, but of course I'm not going to ruin it for you here.  This movie is fantastic non-zombie living dead movie with great ultra bloody and gory special effects and a story that flows and makes sense without taking itself too seriously.
5 decapitated heads sucking titties out of 5!

VHS Review: Red Planet (2000)

By Brian
2/5

Red Planet is about a bunch of dudes and Carrie-Anne Moss (Trinity from The Matrix) who are on the first manned mission to Mars.  Their job is to figure out why their terraforming projects on Mars have failed.  Although Moss is a lot hotter in this movie that The Matrix, this movie felt a lot like a "fix the ship" episode of Star Trek, which means it was boring for all you non-trekkies.  Red Planet is all over the place.  Its not about killer robots or aliens, but somehow those both got sneaked in there.  While I watched this movie all I could think about was how stupid everything was.  I felt like this movie should have focused more on the science, but instead its not focused at all.  Sure the astronauts get stuck on Mars and have to try and find their way out, but the characters are too shallow to care about.  The only good part of this move is the end where Val Kilmer says "Fuck this planet!" and gives it the middle finger so that the planet knows how Kilmer really feels about it.  Why did they bring the militarized robot? What are those stupid fucking bugs doing on Mars? and what kind of a first name for a dude is Val? These are questions that were unanswered by the end of the film. LAME!

VHS Review: The Blob (1958)

By Brian

3/5

The Blob is a classic horror film starring the coolest guy ever, Steve McQueen.  In The Blob a meteor containing a big old booger lands on Earth in a small town and proceeds the start consuming people.  The best part of this movie is the stop motion jello that they push around to represent the alien being.  The problem with this movie is that there just isn't enough blob in it.  Most of the movie is about Steve running around town trying to convince people the blob is a threat but he keeps getting laughed at, getting caught up with the law, etc.  Also Steve McQueen is supposed to be 17 in the movie, but he was actually 28 when it was filmed, and it is really fucking obvious this dude is waaaay to old to be in high school.  He so old that when he says things like "Please officer no need to get the dads involved" its just plain ridiculous.  Other than those flaws, the movie was generally entertaining.  When the blob gets big and starts really absorbing people on a large scale, it gets interesting and exciting.  The Blob is also delightfully 50's, the characters saying things like "Shucks!" and "healthfully", and the stop motion special effects have low-budget charm that new movies don't, not to mention the bad ass cars.  I liked this movie but it was a little too much Steve running around town, and not enough blob blobbing it up.

Tuesday Review: The Sitter (2011)

Watch the Trailer Here

Jelani's Take:
It is the end of an era! Jonah Hill has now starred in his last movie as a fat loser. In "The Sitter", good ol' fat Mr. Hill is at his lowest as he is, as his mother put it: "in a period of stasis." Just as Michael Cera is always the lovably awkward romantic, Jonah Hill once again plays his character from "Superbad"; a fat pile who doesn't know where his life is going and needs one epic night to have some minor epiphanies. But enough ragging on that poor Pagliacci of an Oompa-Loompa! I couldn't be more delighted that this newest "Superbad" sequel stays true to its roots. Hell, it was funny! Contrary to the title, Jonah is not a babysitter. He is simply helping his widowed mother get laid by getting off of his fat ass. He is forced to watch the three children of his mother's good friends while they all go out; and hilarity ensues. The film is set in New York, and the city itself plays into the comedy, as Jonah idiotically decides to take these kids to go buy coke and go to a party to try and get laid. The plot is extremely reminiscent of "Superbad." Except... Michael Cera is replaced by a 6-year-old Paris Hilton wannabe, a pilled-out tween, and a Latin-American adopted tween terrorist of a child. The kids are an eerie amalgamation of pop-culture influence gone wrong, and it's funny to see how they interact with Jonah, who is supposed to be in his early 20's. Throughout, he helps them understand the real world outside of their parent's fucked up American dream bubble, while learning a bit about himself. Yet I digress! the movie wasn't about that al all, stupid! It was about Jonah Hill having a really, really epic night (again), getting chased by drug dealers, being awesomely gangster when he gets the chance to copy Black Dynamite's syntax, fucking up repeatedly, and then making everything right and getting back right in time to see that he made the news and that his mom got laid. It's everything you expect from these kinds of movies. Like "Scary Movie" and "Saw", you know exactly what you're getting. For not letting me down, The Sitter gets a solid 3 out of 5 stars. I recommend it for a good easy laugh.

Ryan's Retort:
You're not supposed to know this going into the movie, but Sam Rockwell plays the crazy coke dealing antagonist. And he is the best part.  Overall, The Sitter is your run of the mill raunchy teen comedy. It's pretty predictable from the get-go. But don't get me wrong, it is funny and it is mildly entertaining throughout. Most of the humor lies in the ridiculousness of the situations that fat Jonah Hill puts these three caricatures of children through. Also, fat Jonah Hill is just a funny guy in general. My main problem with this movie is that everything seemed a little too easy, making the sense of danger less prominent. Everything just happens to work out for fat Jonah Hill, whether it's stealing Bar Mitzvah money or breaking into his dad's fine jewelry store, there never seems to be any real threat of being caught. Granted, there is that one scene when he almost gets arrested. But that's it! Also, the fact that fat Jonah Hill is able to fix all of these problem-ed children within the span of ten minutes is totally unbelievable to me. However, the good does outweigh the bad (by a little bit) making this movie one that I would maybe recommend probably. If you like bratty children getting into trouble, fat Jonah Hill talking like a black guy, and gangs of muscular homosexuals then The Sitter is definitely the movie for you!

Brian's Two-Cents:
The Sitter was a good laugh, but not hysterical.  My favorite scene was the classic "white guy forced to go to the black bar."  Instead of the usual awkwardness and accidental saying of "you people" (ehem, Tower Heist), This movie breaks that cliche by making Jonah Hill actually feel comfortable and befriend the stereotypically threatening black people.  The movie also reenforced the stereotype that black people think white people are all crazy, which is a hilarious concept that doesn't get enough play in movies today.

Overview
Rating - 3 out of 5 soul babies
Did Jelani Fall Alseep - No.

VHS Review: Drunken Master (1978)

By Brian
5/5

I don't watch many Kung-Fu movies, but I think that's about to change.  Drunken Master is the movie that made Jackie Chan famous, its so old that he is actually credited as Jacky Chan (wonder why he changed it.)  From the first scene, where Chan takes a dudes hat off and plays keep away while beating him up, you can clearly see Chan's amazing ability to mix humor into his Kung-Fu.  The first scene had me giggling even though I was sitting at home alone.  The story of the movie was a little hard to understand because I have a crappy old vhs with heavily Italian-accented dubs, but it didn't matter because the movie is almost all action. What I did understand is that Drunken Master is Jacky Chan trying to save his rich daddy against an assassin named "Thunderbird" whose best line is "I'm going to kick your ass off!"  In order to defeat Thunderbird, Chan has to train with an old drunk to learn his drunken techniques.  The old master kicks ass, the dude must be pushing 80, but he fights like a pro.  Chan and the old master are stellar at kicking peoples asses with chairs, sticks, bottles, and everything else they can get their hands on.  Contrary to popular belief, Chan can also pull off Kung-Fu comedy without props, especially while using his "Lady Style Technique."  This movie was a perfect mesh of comedy and action, and at only 80 minutes, kept me at the edge of my Paxton the entire time. This was a flawless movie, so I'm giving it a flawless score of 5 out of 5.

VHS Review: Stage Fright (1987)

By Brian
3/5

Stage Fright is a horror film about a troupe of actors who face a world of trouble when one of them accidentally takes a deranged psychopath back to her theater.  What stands out the most in this movie is how the psychopath wears a creepy giant owl mask the whole time, never talking or revealing his face. The murders in Stage Fright are brutal, yet not original.  The killer uses your usual power drill, chainsaw, knife, etc. to kill his victims; some solid murders being a chainsaw bifurcation and an axe-to-mouth (yeah, I really wanted to write that.)   Personally, my favorite murder was when the psycho kills a chick on stage, right in front of all the other actors, who merely look on thinking it's part of the "intellectual musical" they are performing.  Other than that, the movie was almost entirely made of horror movie cliches, including: bad omen cat, raining really hard the ENTIRE time, oblivious cops, "Killer-Vision", super 80's soundtrack, and of course, the one chick who ACTUALLY manages to fend off the killer for longer than two seconds.  While these cliches don't necessarily take away from the film, they don't add and extra bonus points either.  The boob action in Stage Fright is also weak, only a couple pairs and shot from weird angles.  This movie lost another point for a crappy ending, which lasted way too long and didn't make a lot of sense. For being a solid, yet a little too cliche horror film, Stage Fright gets an admirable 3 oblivious cops parked right outside out of 5.

Why is it always raining in horror movies but never windy?

VHS Review: The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit (1998)

By Brian
4/5
Silly as fuck, The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit is about 5 hilariously stereotypical Latinos who each chip down 20 bucks to get a this brand new white "Ice Cream" colored suit.  Four of the men are regular hard working stiffs, but the fifth is a really really dirty homeless dude, who everyone knows is destined to ruin the suit for everyone else.  In the film, each man gets two hours to wear the suit.  The suit is fucking magical and glows and when you wear it, people around you start singing, and bitches fall all over you.  Is my favorite actor Clifton Collins Jr. in it?  Yeah he is!  Also, it's written by sci-fi master, Ray Bradbury!  This movie was really funny because all the actors talked like Cholos, and call each other taco eaters and stuff.  I know Blacksploitation, but Hispanicsplotation? that's some whole other shit.

Netflix Movie Review: Red State (2011)

by Ryan

Upon first glance, it's hard to say exactly what type of movie Red State is. While it is fundamentally based in the horror genre, the story itself is ripe with satire making it somewhat reminiscent of a dark comedy. But not quite. In fact, there were barely any jokes in this entire movie. Normally, when I think of Kevin Smith I think of "snoochie boochies" and chocolate covered pretzels. However, in Smith's latest that is not the case at all. Red State tells the tale of three young men that stumble upon this internet sex ad, pursue said sex, and then end up being tortured to death by a group of super crazy fundamentalists smack dab in the middle of God's country. Also, John Goodman is in it. Red State marks a drastic change in style and aesthetics for Kevin Smith, making this piece his first truly serious film. If you don't count fucking Jersey Girl that is; which I don't. Overall, I thought this movie was pretty good. There are a lot of dull moments in the middle and in the beginning, but the end of the second act and all of the third act are phenomenal. Especially the part when John Goodman is yelling at people and shooting things. There were some genuinely terrifying moments in this movie, which is pretty surprising to me being as it's a Kevin Smith film. Who knew the guy could do horror? Also, the acting was fantastic. When those three heathen boys are being tortured to death, you'd think that they were being tortured to death for real! However, this film suffers from being way too full of itself. While I get the whole poking fun at the Westboro Baptist Church thing and the other ATF agents thing, it still feels a little too preachy to me. Pun intended.

Rating: 3 out of 5 snoochie boochies

Special Recommendation Review: Chillerama (2011) by Ryan

It's been a while since I've seen a really good, low-budget, cheese fest of a horror movie. Chillerama came highly recommended to me by my friend Mike, who stumbled upon it at the movie theater in which he is currently employed. So naturally, once I found it on Netflix I watched the shit out of it. Like George A. Romero's Creepshow and Michael Dougherty's Trick r' Treat, this movie is a compilation of shorts tied together by one overarching story. The main plot of Chillerama revolves around the last drive-in theater in America. The proprietor of said drive-in, that one old dude from Office Space, decides to screen the ultimate compilation of lost horror film prints for one last hurrah. These films include the likes of Wadzilla, I Was A Teenage Werebear, Deathication, and my personal favorite, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. Each of these shorts were directed by a different person, yet they all share a similar sense of humor and tone. Wadzilla is about this guy that has an abnormally low sperm count, which leads him to take this experimental medication that ultimately causes his one sperm cell to grow to monstrous proportions and wreak havoc on the entire city. I Was A Teenage Werebear is a pseudo-musical about a boy that falls in love with the mysterious leader of this rebellious homosexual gang and the repercussions that he faces for getting close to them. The Diary of Anne Frankenstein tells the tale of Adolf Hitler's discovery of the fabled Frankenstein diary and his subsequent creation of a large Jewish monster pieced together from dead Jews. And Deathication is a poop pun. Meanwhile in the main story, the patrons of the drive-in are all slowly turning into mindless sex zombies because of this blue goo secreted by this one dude that tried to get a blowjob from a corpse in the beginning of the film. Clearly, this movie is awesome. It's always a real treat when the cheesy B-movie that you're watching is aware of how cheesy it is and embraces that cheesiness to its full potential. The only thing that bothered me about this movie was its ending. After all of the sex zombie madness is said and done, we join four middle-aged men watching the movie in a crowded theater. These four men, the directors of the films in the movie, do not add anything to the film and are completely unnecessary. My guess is that they just wanted some screen time. Also, there's a point towards the end of the film when everyone just starts saying really famous movie quotes for some reason. It was kinda funny at first, but after a while it just gets annoying. It makes me think that they were at a loss for their own clever one-liners and so they decided to borrow some pre-existing ones. But other than those few minor issues, I can honestly say that I really enjoyed Chillerama. If you're looking for a good, mildly scary, funny, and kind of disgusting movie to watch, then Chillerama is the movie for you!

Rating: 4 out of 5 mindless sex zombies

Tuesday Review: The Muppets

Jelani's Take:
The Muppets is on all accounts a fantastic movie. Sure it may be "for kids", but hasn't it always been? And, watching reruns now, don't you pick up on those subtly naughty nuances that flew right over your head when you were a kid? The new Muppets movie is a nostalgic nod to its legendary run, and it uses its own history as a diving board to jump right into a new pool of greatness. The story is simple; the Muppets must get back together for a reunion show in order to raise money and save the old Muppets studio from being torn down. Throughout, the Muppets have doubts that they still have what it's got to entertain, or even if their old fanbase still gives a shit about them. This is a funny hook in itself, as it creates a very strongly palpable sense of emotion within the puppets that parade around the screen. The film has as much heart as it does wit, as I found myself laughing out loud as well as letting a few "awh's" escape my lips. The story is all there, but it never takes itself too seriously, as what would create snags in the plot are simply swept under the rug. The arduous processes of gathering the old crew, driving to Paris, and refurbishing the old theatre are done in seconds with clever ease. The entire movie flows well, and doesn't have many dull moments. With great cameos and witty acts throughout, the film felt like an extended episode of the old show. The Muppets themselves, as always, looked great and interacted with the real world perfectly. Jason Segel was so so funny throughout, as the brother of the Muppet, Walter. He was such a fantastic Muppet of a man that I feel as if he should exclusively do movies that include puppets (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, anyone?). He was a perfect fit, as his overall goofiness was contagious, and his childish blithe was a  treat to behold in such a whimsical setting. i don't think I've ever had such good clean fun at the movies since I was 11. The musical numbers are all great, the interplay between the Muppets and humans is so funny, and the guest stars all delivered comedy gold just by being themselves. It was like the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but in movie form. And with songs. And for kids... Well, you get what I'm saying. For driving home the indubitable fact that the Muppets are immortally awesome, this film gets a perfect score from me. Go see it.

Ryan's Retort:
Let me just say that I have been extremely excited for this movie ever since I first heard about it approximately two years ago. Being a huge geek and a huge fan of the Muppets, I went into this film with outrageously high expectations. And to my elation, The Muppets did not disappoint. It's quite apparent that Jason Segel really gave this movie his all; his passion for the Muppets, and puppets in general, comes through tenfold in this heartfelt, hilarious, musical adventure of a film. Being as this movie is rated PG I feared for a brief moment that it wouldn't be all that enjoyable for a 21 year old man, such as myself. However, that is not the case at all. The humor of The Muppets transcends age, gender, background, and ethnicity relying heavily on sight gags, puns, and even breaking the fourth wall! It really is a treat to see a movie, geared towards children, with such a sophisticated sense of humor. At one point in the film, the Muppets must resort to kidnapping a certain celebrity host for their telethon. Now normally kidnapping is no laughing matter, as we can tell from Kermit's initial adamant disapproval. But not only does this film manage to make light of the otherwise atrocious act of kidnapping, it also somehow forces gaggles of giggles from our gullets. Now THAT'S how you alliterate, Bitches! The hilarity of this film is also perfectly complimented by wonderfully catchy tunes composed by none other than Bret McKenzie, from Flight of the Conchords. Which makes perfect sense when you think about it, being as Flight of the Conchords are all about wonderfully catchy and hilarious songs. There is honestly just way too many good things to say about The Muppets. It is a perfect Muppet movie for a new generation of Muppet fans. If you love the Muppets and have yet to see this film, you are a huge dingus.

Brian's 2-cents:
Drive by map! Why didn't I think of that?!

Overview
Rating: 5 out of 5 very manly Muppets
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: Hell no.

Download Special: Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

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Tuesday Review: "Tower Heist" (2011)

Brian's 2-cents:
Tower Heist is an action/comedy about what happens when a bunch of minimum wage shmucks who work at a fancy Manhattan apartment building get fucked over by a corrupt hyper-wealthy buisness man. Starring in the mediocreness is Ben Stiller, as Josh, the mastermind; Eddie Murphy, as Slide, the experienced criminal; and Matthew Broderick, as Mr. Fitzhugh, the unfortunate bankrupt math wiz.  The only other notable character (sorry Casey Affleck) is Odessa, played by Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious which I'm still crying over) who plays the stereotypical Caribbean maid.  Tower Heist seems to be specifically aimed at New Yorkers because they kept making references to places like Forest Hills in Queens.  I felt like if you weren't a native New Yorker, a good amount of the jokes would be lost on you.  Also, I hate when movies shoot on MTA trains because the last thing I want to think about when I'm trying to watch a movie is how fucked up the L train is going to be later.  The most funny comedian in the movie was clearly Eddie Murphy, and I was glad to see that he still had it.  The chemistry between Murphy, Stiller and Broderick is good, but the jokes in this PG-13 movie were just too general and toned-down to induce more than a chuckle out of me.  In our post movie wrap up/ cigarette, the Movie Crew decided that although the movie flowed and wasn't boring, we wouldn't want to watch it again, giving this film a final score of 3/5.

Jelani's Take:
This comedy just makes it. After a depressing first half where characters and settings are established (the setup is grim at best), the jokes start to come. Tower Heist is one of those borderline comedies, where quirky situations and funny actors are what save the overall film from taking itself too seriously. The chemistry worked, and the pure ridiculousness of the situations these Joes put themselves in made for some hilarious riffs. I felt as if I was watching improv at some points, as the entire cast pretty much decided to comedically wing-it through an Oceans 11 level heist. ("Ok, I heard penthouse robbery!") It also felt as if the jokes weren't actually written as much as they were simply conceived out of the air that surrounded the funnymen. The chemistry was all there. The dialogue was as snappy as a comic book's, and the zany antics that happened throughout the entire robbery kept the film fresh throughout. Overall though, there was nothing oustandingly memorable about Tower Heist. It was entertaining and witty, but it really didn't wow me. It took the very real theme of recession in the capital city of the world, and turned it on its head. For teaching me that grand larceny in NY penthouses isn't as hard as i had originally thought, tower heist gets a very solid 3 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
It's good to see Eddie Murphy in a non-cartoon movie in which he's only playing one person again. After Norbit and Shrek 4 I was beginning to think that he'd lost it. But Tower Heist proves that the Beverly Hills Cop still has comedic chops out the wazoo. As soon as he comes on screen, the entire movie is lifted up out of the dark, depressing place that it starts off in. Murphy admittedly has many of the film's best one-liners, i.e. "I'mma be inside having sex with Rita" and "Lesbians always have the best tits", but he delivers them with such an accute sense of timing that it's no wonder he's so god damn famous. Tower Heist is basically the love child of heist movies, like Ocean's Eleven, and comedic revenge movies, like Horrible Bosses. It's great in that there's an ensemble cast of talented actors that each plays a key role in the plan to steal things from the Tower. However, what's different about this heist movie is that the characters don't necessarily stick to their plan due to various unforeseen obstacles that get in their way during the actual heist. By which I mean that they're eventually forced to steal an entire car from the top floor of a very tall building during work hours. Talk about impossible! Overall, I had a great time watching this movie. I went in with really low expectations and I came out mildly entertained. And isn't that all we ever really want out of a movie?

Overview
Rating: 3 out of 5 New York jokes
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

M.C. Enjoying Pepperoni and Motz Beef Patties, courtesy of Luigi's Pizza and Margarita for the pic

VHS Review: "The Black Cat" (1934)

by Brian
4 pajama suits out of 5

This classic horror film harkens from a simpler time, when people were classier, and movie soundtracks didn't include hip-hop.  The Black Cat is about two young lovers who find themselves trapped in a struggle between good and evil.  When their hilariously old timey bus flips over, the young couple, along with a mysterious dark stranger and his servant, find themselves in the house of a super creepy looking satanist who built his house on the site of a bloody World War One battle just because he's THAT brutal.  This movie was certainly a classic, the characters are deep and interesting, and there's plot twists every five minute.  Every dude in The Black Cat wears suits everywhere and fights old timey style...by wrestling and trying to dramatically strangle each other with their bare hands.  One comical aspect relating to when this film was made is how all the chicks in the movie keep screaming and fainting whenever something scary happens.  More funny still is how one of the main characters, Dr. Vitus Werdegast, a big, brooding, not-taking-nothing-from-nobody dude has a "Intense and absolute all consuming horror....of cats!" Werdegast looses his shit every time he sees a little kitty cat, and hes always breaking stuff in his fits of terror.  I enjoyed this movie because even though it is super old, its totally about Satan and the supernatural, which must have been pretty controversial at the time.

Download Special: "The Beaver" (2011)

By Brian
3/5
Alternatively titled, "Why Jodie Foster? WHY!?!",  The Beaver stars Mel Gibson in the role he was borne to play, crazy asshole.  Gibson plays Walter Black, a CEO of a big toy company who is depressed despite the fact that he has a loving family, and a fucking toy company.  Black doesn't do anything except mope around the house and mumble to himself.  After a traumatic experience where Black gets drunk and tries to kill himself, he puts on a hand puppet he found in the trash and fast as you can say "G'day mate" you've got a plot for a movie.  Black Exclusivly talks through the puppet, and when anyone tries to directly talk to him, he just mumbles at them.  Once hes got the beaver, Black's life starts getting awesome again, he single-handedly (ha!) saves his company from the brink of collapse, bangs Jodie Foster (yes while wearing it), and bonds with his young son.  People of course think he's lost his mind, but hes so rich and confident, they let it slide.  I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this movie, because without the puppet, this would just be some Lifetime Original nonsense.  The puppets thick, Australian/British accent is hilarious especially when Gibson has private conversations with it while no ones around.  In the end you do get the man vs his own hand scene that you waited for, but after the puppets gone, the movie is seriously uninteresting.  There is this who sub-plot with Black's son and this chick, but I really didn't care whatsoever.  After the puppets gone, the son's story takes over and the movie starts to suck.  I wanted to see this movie because it sounded ridiculous, and it was!  Pretty much your average sappy drama spiced up with a hand puppet.  Sequel idea: The Pastie.

Tuesday Review: Immortals (2011)

Poseidon was the coolest

Watch the Trailer here:
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2905447705/

Brian's 2-cents:
After we all agreed Tuesday is the best night of the week, the Movie Crew went to the fancy shmancy Zigfield theater, thus completing the trifecta of NYC Clearview cinemas. Immortals is the much anticipated movie made by the same dudes who did 300.  The movie is about a man named Theseus, who is trained by Zeus to be one badass fighting machine.  When King Hyperion, played by the scratchy voiced Mickey Rourke shows up and kills his mom, Theseus vows revenge.  Rourke's character is trying to find a magical bow so he can release the titans.  I'm going to let my fellow Crew members elaborate further and just go on to telling you the highs and lows.  The action was in true 300 style, with jacked dudes (and one lady) decapitating, impaling, bifricating and generally spilling blood all over ancient (Greece).  The most original concept in this film was how the gods fought with super human speed and did like 30d6 + 50  damage (that's a lot for you who don't play D&D) with every blow.  During the first divine intervention, Apollo comes down from Olympus and literally explodes all these soldiers' heads off (while using his super-speed) with his awesome hammer.  What took away from this film was the story.  I just didn't care about Theseus like how I did for Leonidus in 300.  Also, instead of colossal titans from the actual myths, each with different personalities and abilities, the titans in Immortals were human sized and all identical, and they didn't even talk or use magic.  This was an action packed and extremely visually stimulating movie, but in the end, I felt like I wanted a little bit more epicness.

Jelani's Take:
In this giant-sized spectacular edition of Movie Crew Tuesday, we saw an epic movie on an epic screen at the Zigfeld. Now, usually, I am a bit reluctant to see movies in 3D, seeing as any fast-paced scenes are totally lost in the blurry sea of shadows that the screen spews out at me. For the first time though, 3D really and truly worked wonders. The signature slow-motion, highly polished approach that has become synonymous with the director (Tarsem Singh) looks gorgeous in 3D, and the ancient Greek setting allowed for some stunning panoramic views throughout. Everything in this movie was BIG. Every shot was a widescreen painting, and the larger-than-life concepts at play felt right at home within this setting. What really got me from the beginning was the fight choreography. From the first flash of the blade, every battle sequence played out like a brutal ballet. Especially in the battle scenes towards the end, the large battle scenes flowed with a great balance finesse and action. The story was simple enough, and needed little reinforcement: Zeus raises this orphan because he thinks that he is cool. It is up to this guy, Theseus to take down this really brutal conqueror who is trying to Ghengis Khan the shit out of the world. The gods don't like this douche, but can't interfere in the goings on of man. Blah, blah blah. What got me was that these gods, although they possessed some pretty cool feats, were pretty toned down. They were just really jacked dudes. I was expecting some higher-level godly stuff, like, at least turn giant or something. Or command the elements, or something. Poseidon was by far the most badass, as he took out the most dudes and used his godly powers the most. Other than the not-so-great gods, this movie had it all. The whole 300 thing happened again, except there were gods involved. End. I'm happy. The pleasure of viewing such a meticulously crafted piece of motion art is worth the price of admission, as this guy knows his way around a fucking green-screen. If you liked 300 and Watchmen, you're in for a real treat with Immortals. For widescreen brutal beauty, 300 Part Deux gets 4 out of 5 stars.

Ryan's Retort:
Immortals was everything that I've come to expect from a big budget blockbuster based on a Greek myth. It had action, romance, suspense, slow motion decapitations, and a lot of really silly hats. I mean, the minotaur wasn't even a minotaur. Just a big dude wearing a bull's head mask made out of barbed wire. Which was cool, but nowhere near as cool as an actual minotaur would have been. The same can be said for all of the mythological entities depicted in this movie. When you think of deities such as Zeus and Poseidon, I'm sure you picture big, burly men with huge beards and long, flowing robes. However, in Immortals they look like this:

That's Poseidon. Look at how fucking silly his hat is! Every single one of the Greek gods is played by an overly attractive young actor wearing close to nothing, much like the gentleman pictured above. Which doesn't make much sense to me, but whatever. It's fine. I can look past it. But what I can't look past is how Theseus, the main character, does absolutely nothing throughout the entire movie. From a screenwriter's standpoint, I know for a fact that that is the reason why this story does not work. Your main character needs to have a goal, a purpose of existence. And they need to make decisions that will ultimately effect whether or not they achieve that goal. In this movie, Theseus' goal is to exact his vengeance upon Mickey Rourke. Which then somehow transforms into finding the magical Epirus bow that shoots these awesome light arrows. Which then somehow transforms into making sure that the Titans don't get released from their prison box, located in the secret basement of this one mountain. As you can see, things get a little muddled. And to top it all off, Theseus never makes one decision on his own. Besides wanting to brutally murder Mickey Rourke of course. Every time an obstacle is put in Theseus' way, one of those overly attractive young Gods comes crashing down to Earth to save him. There is nothing about Theseus that I find interesting or likable at all. "Oh, but he's a good fighter and he loves his mom." So fucking what? I know lots of people that are good fighters who also love their moms and I don't see them starring in any movies. Be that as it may, I did honestly enjoy watching Immortals. There's this one part when this dude gets his penis crushed by a huge mallet wielding cow-man. How could you not love that? Also, blood splattering all over the place in slow motion AND in 3D? Yes. Immortals may not be a "good" movie, but it is fucking awesome to look at.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 silly hats
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Download Special: Castle Freak (1995)

by Brian

Jailbait and I just can't wait

Ryan recommended this movie to me because he knows how Lovecraft crazy I am .  Castle Freak is a lowish budget horror film about (surprise!) a horrible hideous freak who gets loose in a castle after years of torture and neglect.  The setting of this film is a huge Italian castle where it is always raining, but I doubt they actually filmed in one because they only show like four different rooms.  The film follows the worst dad ever and his family who inherit a castle after the old duchess dies off.  The family is haunted by the memory of a car accident which killed their five year old son and blinded their jail bait daughter.  The accident is of course the result of the fathers drinking problem, which of course reemerges in the movie and causes even more hardship.  This movie gets good when the freak gets loose (after biting his own thumb off) and proceeds to bite titties off and reduce people to mush with the chains he's always jangling around.  The most disturbing part of the freak was his grotesque shriveled balls which he kept waving around at everyone.  Castle Freak is a solid horror film with a smooth flowing plot, perfectly grotesque murder scenes, and laughably horrible parenting skills.

Rating: 4/5 shriveled monster ball sacks

Into the Abyss: A Tale of Death, A Tale of Life Review by Ryan

In Herzog's latest documentary, we delve deep into the concepts of life and death through the eyes of a small town in Texas. Into the Abyss tells the tale of two asshole kids, that kill 3 innocent people in order to steal a new car, and the effects that their horrible crime has on the community. Like all of Herzog's films, Into the Abyss is really smart and really slow. And really easy on the eyes. By that I mean that it looks fucking beautiful. Also, Herzog's narration is super witty as per usual. One thing I want to know is how Herzog decides what he's going to make a documentary about. It's always something oddly specific and seemingly random. Like that one about that midget town. This was a genuinely interesting documentary with an approachable yet brutal topic, and I'm not just saying that because I love watching documentaries about murder. Or maybe I am. The two main ballsacks in this movie remind me just how lucky I am to have been born of two loving, intelligent parents and in a major city. Both Michael Perry and Jason Burkett are terrible people that are made even more terrible by the fact that they don't realize just how terrible they are. Terrible. One thing that I don't understand, and never have, is how these fuckbags can turn to religion and think that they're still getting into Heaven even though they've committed one of the worst sins on the list. I mean, murder is pretty high up there, if not the highest, on the list of things that you can't do if you want to get in. It's either murder or rape. But anyway, this movie is also great for dads! I saw it with my dad and we both thoroughly enjoyed it and made fun of the stupid people in it afterwards. So if you can't find anyone to see it with, have your pops take you. Dads love Herzog!

Rating: 4 out of 5 lethal injections

Shitty Sequel Review: Johnny English Reborn (2011) by Ryan

My little brother had off from school today, so we decided to go to the movies and see something silly. And this was indeed that. But perhaps not silly enough. Johnny English Reborn takes place several years after the original Johnny English. I think. They aren't really connected at all other than that it's the same guy. We first find our hero training somewhere in Malaysia, or Thailand or one of those other countries with monks, where he is forced to walk across coals and drag large rocks around with his penis. Then he gets a call from MI7, the British Military Intelligence, saying that they need him for some mission. So he goes to Britain and gets some super sweet spy gadgets, like a talking car and an umbrella rocket launcher, and then leaves to go stop some killer or something. I don't really remember. Eventually, we find out that there's this secret sect of assassins, called "Vortex", that is totally out to kill the prime minister of China. So Mr. Bean is put to the task of figuring out who these "Vortex" people are and how to stop them. Overall, this movie was pretty mediocre. There were some big laughs, but they were few and far between. I did really like the whole chase scene where Mr. Bean is in this awesome spy wheelchair though. The main problem with this movie is that Mr. Bean shouldn't be able to talk, let alone be a capable secret agent. He's just way funnier when he's a huge idiot and nothing else. However, I did like how he sounded exactly like Zazu from The Lion King the whole time. Or maybe that's just his regular voice. Anyway, the real star of this movie was the mysterious old Chinese woman that kept killing people without any explanation. She just kept showing up with all of these crazy spy guns and then Mr. Bean would inadvertently beat up other old women that he has mistaken for her. Plus, she's an old Chinese woman! That's hilarious!

Rating: 2 out of 5 large penis rocks.

Tuesday Review: The Skin I live In (La piel que habito)

Brian's 2-cents:
The Skin I Live In is a tragic tale of revenge, starring Antonio Banderas playing Robert Ledgard, a rich and talented plastic surgeon.  Robert is haunted by the memory of his wife running away with his degenerate half brother, only for his brother to leave her burning alive after a car accident.  Robert is obsessed with skin, and is researching an artificial skin which is resistant to fire and bug bites, among other properties.  FLASHBACK!!! 6 years ago, Robert is at a fancy party when suddenly his half-crazy daughter is turned full-crazy when she takes a stroll to the ol' rapin tree.  Robby finds her unconscious under said tree and when she awakes in her father's arms, she thinks he raped her and is thereafter frightened of him.  Obviously this seriously pisses of old Robby, and, overcome by his lust for vengeance, kidnaps his daughter's rapist.  I can't give away any more plot without ruining the big reveal, but Robby tortures the shit out of this kid.  Banderas' character is amazing.  Slowly his kidnap victim turns from the object of his hatred to the object of his desire, and Robert becomes obsessed. Rob's intricate and completely soul-annihilating revenge is a pleasure to watch at first, but after a while, you're not sure if its what he really deserves.  The slow rate at which the film reveals information is a little tedious at times, but I liked how my emotions about which character to sympathize with and which to despise constantly changed.  This is a heavy psychological medical thriller somewhere in between The Human Centipede and Old Boy, definitely worth checking out, 4/5.

Jelani's Take:
It has been a while since an artsy and deep film such as this one has hit the commercial theater. I must say, we were prepared for a massive snooze-fest. With an extra large coffee and a roll of Rollos, I attacked this head on; ready for a boring foreign film. But, to my delight and surprise, The Skin I live In exceeded my low expectations by leaps and bounds. The storytelling style here was a bit jointed, (the story jumps from the weird present to the weirder past, then back to the fucked up present.) but it served the film well, as the major revelations unfold organically and really and truly surprised the hell out of me. Without giving anything away, I can tell you this much: the film centers around a demented plastic surgeon's obsessive revenge and the twisted family dynamics that serve as a backdrop of understanding for all characters present. This film is sick; not since Oldboy have I seen such an elaborate and fucked up revenge unfold. Banderas nails the role of determined socio/psycho-path good/bad guy. The story is really well developed, and there were really no plot-holes considering the convoluted dynamics present. There were a lot of "OHHH!" moments throughout, as the main character's insanity peels back its layers until the very end. The moral here: Don't fuck with Antonio Banderas! There was a bit of a lull in the middle, as the film seemed to struggle with making sense of itself, but the big revelation scenes that followed made up for it in spades. For being a sexy foreign film that also grossed me out a bit, The Skin I Live In gets 4 fucked up families out of 5. I recommend it.

Ryan's Retort:
There's not much that I can say that my movie crew cohorts haven't already covered. Except for maybe the cinematography, which was phenomenal. Jose Luis Alcaine helps paint a beautiful, expertly composed picture with his use of metallic yet fleshy colors. Which totally compliments the story itself, in addition to just looking fucking awesome. Initially, I thought this movie was going to suck eggs. I mean, the trailer doesn't even make any sense. It's just a bunch of weird clips put together that don't explain or even hint at what the movie is about. But I assure you, this movie is well worth the price of admission. Although the story is told in a somewhat unorthodox way, the strange format definitely adds some extra pizazz to the big twist in the latter half of the film. Yeah, I can't believe I just used the word "pizazz" either. If I'm ever a crazy, brilliant plastic surgeon and my sorta crazy daughter gets sorta raped by some punk kid, I would totally want to exact my vengeance upon him in the same brutal way that Antonio Banderas does in this movie. Actually, wait. No, I wouldn't... You guys, it's so hard to review this movie without writing any spoilers. Like seriously. The twist is so crazy! Go see it for yourselves! At first you'll be all like, "this is weird and confusing" but then when it's over you'll be all like, "that was weird and kinda really fucked up and I'm not confused anymore". 

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 "'does that make me gay?' moments"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No

VHS Review: Classics I Should Have Seen Before: The Shining (1980) By Jelani

Jelani is Late to the Party:
Hey folks! I have a little confession to make. For some reason, I have huge, gaping chasms in my movie repertoire. I must admit, that I am always that guy; the one who has not seen "that movie." ("like, really? you've never seen The Godfather!?! WTF?" *SLAP!*) I have missed many great classic films throughout my life. I am rectifying this obvious character flaw by the most obvious of means, and I plan to let you know exactly what my impressions on these classic films are! So, without further adieu,

THE SHINIG IS AWESOME. (But you knew that already didn't you?) This horror/thriller is the pinnacle of greatness when it comes to the medium of motion pictures. Kubrick creates a masterful collage using every aspect of filmmaking. The result is an eerie horror thriller that could not possibly be presented in any other form. The eerie and foreboding soundtrack, the meticulous attention to detail in camera angles and lighting, the superb acting, and the immaculate location and setting all add up to a rollicking, suspenseful masterpiece. The cabin fever horror with a twist approach is the perfect way to tell this story; the sickening spiral into madness that none other than Jack Nicholson delivers. He is a fucking nut! As seen in his entire career, good ol' Jack plays one hell of an insane bad-guy. He really shines in this one though, as his vivid hallucinations and twisted rationale make for an almost relatable character, regardless of the fact that he is totally batshit fucking crazy. As far as child actors go, the kid was a treat to behold as well. His acting was spot on. Hell, the entire four-man main cast was spectacular. The crazy scenes of horrific hallucinations were great as well, adding to the overall demented package that is shoves through your face holes. This is a classic for a reason; it rules. I really should have seen it earlier. It is rare these days that there is a perfect marriage between all of the aspects of production, resulting in nothing less than movie magic. The story of a small family being driven insane in a big hotel could not be told as effectively in any other medium than on the silver screen, and it  is because of this that The Shining really shines as movie gold. The entire experience is cinematic in every way, shape, and form.. Every scene has class and style and intrigue, and the simplicity of it all is astounding. It is creepy as hell too. The only thing I can say to every character though, is: "what the fuck? have you never seen a single episode of Scooby Doo!? Don't build on fucking indian burial grounds! They will obviously haunt the shit out of you!" *Face Palm* Way to go though. You used the most cliche'd plot device to enormous effect. I tip my hat to you. 5 stars.

Parents House Review: Green Lantern (2011)

by Brian

Green Lanturd was one of the few movies the Movie Crew failed to see this year so I decided to put five dollhairs on my parent's cable bill and check it out.  This movie got a bad rep, but I felt it was enjoyable enough to be deserve a slightly better than average score.  What is Ryan Reynolds up to this time?  As hard headed test pilot, Hal Jordan, he completely fucks over his company's big military deal and blows up a brand new plane just for funsies, then he gets a magical ring from an alien, Green Lanyard business, whatever.  The coolest part was the final battle when Reynolds makes all kinds of awesome constructs like a big ass gun and a catapult.  Also when he turned that helicopter into a hot wheels car it's fucking sick.  This movie needed a lot more action and a lot less about Hal Jordan's love life.  I'm making an official request to Hollywood to make a single superhero movie where the main character has absolutely NO LOVE INTEREST WHATSOEVER, make him a eunuch or something, I don't care.

Rating: 3 Ryan Reynolds being bad at their jobs out of 5

VHS Review: RUN LOLA RUN (1998)

Brian's 2-cents:
3 unce unces out of 5
On a fine Sunday around college student breakfast time (2 pm), Jelani, Shiro, and I sat down to watch the only German movie ever made.  Run Lola Run is about a super hero with the power to run great distances and shatter glass with her voice.  However, these powers come with a cost, every time she runs, crappy 90's techno music plays around her. After her boyfriend idiotically looses his sack on the train, Lola has to come up with a way to get 100,000 doll hairs downtown to him before he shoots up a supermarket.  It takes her a few universes to get it right, because people in Germany can't drive for shit and keep hitting important characters with their cars.  Watching this movie was a pleasant break from the usual style of movies I watch, and went great with a big cup of coffee and a fat bowl of oatmeal-cereal.

Jelani's Take:
Run Lola Run was a pretty cool romp through three alternate universes that all corresponded to the initial mistake of literally losing $100,000. Now, bad choices aside, The film was highly entertaining. If you sit and watch this hungover on a sunday and tell yourself to ignore the obviously skewed decision making throughout, you will find yourself strung along a fun movie trip. the characters lacked any depth whatsoever, but it was somewhat fitting that such shallow characters are present within the shallow plot. There is definitely a foreign twinge to the film, as you are constantly reminded that this would never see the light of day in the US of A. In no respect was Run Lola Run bad. On the contraire! It was a high-energy, techno-filled film that succeeds in that it never takes itself too seriously. I can understand why it is so popular, as it has many similarities to the ever-popular crime film genre, with many unique twists of its own. And FYI: It reeks 90's throughout. For being a fun movie ride overall, this quirky German flick gets 4 out of 5 from me.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Tuesday Review/Shittier Sequel Review: Paranormal Activity 3

Jelani's Take

So, Unlike Ryan, I have not seen the first two installments of this trilogy. How it got up to this point is beyond me, but that is besides the point. The point here is that someone, somewhere, in some dark and foreboding office made the executive decision to let this pile of crap see the light of day. The entire time, I was waiting for a climax, a plot, even a hint of some kind of overarching theme or revelation that would tie it in to the previous films, making me want to watch them. NOPE! Not even close. Instead, I sat through what seemed like 60 minutes (If I had known it would be so short, I would have stayed home and watched an episode of Star Trek: TNG, or like 4 episodes of Spongebob, Fuck!) of home movie quality "BOO!" footage. The entire premise, I suppose, is that this movie serves as a prequel to the first two films. Fine. Ok, let's do this. Oh wait, but there's no plot other than "there's a ghost that wants something and is haunting our house and family." Seriously, they don't even tell you what the fuck the ghost wants. I think this ghost, Toby wanted company. I mean, if I was a big ass invisible guy who could only hang out with a 4-year-old all the time, I'd be pretty pissed too. Yet I digress! The movie was shit. Way too short for its own good, anti-climactic, and generally unentertaining, other than a couple of scenes near the end where the ghost really cuts loose, I suppose I could say that half of the movie was pretty good, seeing as the last half hour was pretty cool and the first half hour was basically 80's home movie stock footage. I was unimpressed. A tidal wave of "WHAT!?!" washed over the entire crowd as the credits started to roll, so i think it's safe to say that everyone shared my sentiments. For one pretty cool murder, Satan worship, and a few Poltergeist-esque scenes, the normal activity of going to see a shitty new horror flick gets 2 out of 5 stars. Enjoy my money, jerks. You blue-balled me.

Ryan's Retort
Having seen the first two movies, I can say that I knew the format of this movie before it even started: nothing happens until maybe the last half hour and then some things start happening and then it's over. Well, I was exactly right. Except this time they move to a different house for the last half hour! Also, there's a Satanic old women cult. Which was pretty cool, but we really didn't learn much about it. Man, I hate to see so much potential go to waste. Just when things start getting really interesting, the credits pop up. I think they're just getting lazy now. However, I will say that I did enjoy myself despite the predictable plot and the lack of an ending. What this movie has that the other two don't are two creepy little girls! It was interesting for me to learn more about the demon ghost, named Toby apparently, and piece together exactly what it wanted from the grown up girls in the previous movies. But before I go on, what the fuck kind of demon name is Toby? That's retarded. They should have named it Abazagoroth or Demogorgon or Sammael or something even remotely demon like! Whatever. Anyway, there was this cool trick that they did by placing a camera on the oscillating part of a broken oscillating fan, which allowed for several vaguely spooky scenes. And I liked how they changed up the horror movie formula by having the wife be the skeptical one instead of the husband. Although, they did resort to some tried and true staples of the genre, i.e. pot smoking, sex taping, and a babysitter! Guess they're running out of ideas, huh? On that note, I can't wait to see what kinda bullshit they pull out of their asses for the next sequel!

Brian's Two Cents
I don't really like movies where shit pops out at you, its a cheep scare.  This movie had a couple of suspenseful parts which made me squirm, and it definitely got my heart rate going.  I liked the lack of music in this film because normally the music gives away when to be scared, but in this movie, you're never safe.  The problem with this movie is that it has no re-watch value.  I know when all the scary parts are now, so why would I ever watch this again.  Also, no explanation? that's wack! as a man of science, I need to know WHY!!!?!?!?  This movie was worth the $3 I paid for it, but you couldn't pay ME to watch it again.

Overview

Rating: 2 out of 5 "BOO! I scared yous!"
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

Shitty Sequel Review: Paranormal Activity 2 - by Ryan

This movie was a huge let down. I saw the first one in theaters with my dad and it actually scared the crap out of me. So as you can imagine, I had pretty high hopes for this one. I guess it doesn't help that I watched it in the middle of the day with my entire family walking around and doing shit; not the best way to watch a horror movie. But still. Nothing even happens until maybe the last half hour of the movie. Also, this family is retarded. They set up these cameras all over their house and are aware that there are spooky things going on at night, yet they rarely check the footage that they've recorded for any spooky behavior. There's this part when the baby starts floating and it's dragged out of its crib and stuff. But none of the family ever finds out about it or cares to find out about it. There's this stupid teenage daughter that has posters of "cool" bands, such as the Ramones and the Misfits, which clearly indicates that she's edgy and not a pushover when it comes to ghosts and demons and shit. But when the ghost demon shows up, she's the biggest fucking pussy ever. Don't you even care about the demon ghost trying to steal your baby brother, edgy teenage girl? Clearly not. I mean she goes back and watches the footage of the ghost demon locking her out of the house, but somehow misses the whole floating baby thing that happened right after that. Also, the whole resolution is dumb as hell. To think that a lowly Spanish maid knows exactly how to get rid of a fucking demon just because she's kinda religious is fucking preposterous! And not only does she get rid of it, but she knows how to throw it onto other people also? I find that very hard to believe.

Rating: 2 out of 5 floating babies

Special Recommendation Movie Review - Bedazzled (1967) - by Ryan

Did you guys know that that movie with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley as Satan is a remake? Because I sure didn't. The original movie came highly recommended to me, by my girlfriend. So I watched it. And it was great! The original "Bedazzled" is way quirkier than its American counterpart. Quirkier in that British humor kinda way that only British people can pull off. Also, this movie clearly had a much lower budget than the American one. So good for them for coming up with such a creative and interesting story. In this version, the main character (Not Brendan Fraser) is a miserable shlub with nothing to live for. Not Brendan Fraser is about to kill himself, when all of a sudden this mysterious man with a cloak somehow gets into his apartment and offers him a million pounds. I don't know how much that is in American money, but I'm assuming its a lot. Anyway, we find out that all Not Brendan Fraser cares about in life is this one homely girl that he works with. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Satan. So Satan gives Not Brendan Fraser seven wishes and each of them has something to do with trying to get this homely girl. But Satan, being the tricky son of a bitch that he is, fucks up each one of the wishes and completely screws Not Brendan Fraser over. I kept expecting Satan's tricks to be the same as in the American remake, like how Elizabeth Hurley makes Brendan Fraser gay in that one wish and then he has a tiny penis in that other wish. But in this version, Satan is just an outright asshole who personally sees to it that this guy does not ever get what he wants. Overall, I think I like the remake better. But this movie has a lot of hilarious things as well. Like this one part when Satan is a popstar singing this song that's making fun of 60's pop music. And this other part when everyone is a nun. So see this movie! Or don't!

Rating: 3 out of 5 Brendan Frasers

Welcome to Movie Crew!

Welcome to Movie Crew Review! Where three of the most rad-tastic New Yorkers that you could shake a stick at bring you correct and indisputably sound opinions!  On a scale of four wormy apples and whether or not I fell asleep, we will supply you with your fix of reviews of new releases, (that we see, regardless of other reviews, EVERY TUESDAY) classics, and random movies that we find and add to our colossal (yet ever growing) VHS collection! We have come to a great realization; an epiphany! It is our civic duty as movie buffs to right wrongs, deliver fair and truthful reviews, and fight crime! But seriously folks, when we’re not punching bad guys in the face, we’re shaking our heads at the idiotic and inaccurate reviews seen in newspapers, television, and even here, on the last beacon of truth, the internet! Surely publishing such reviews is as dastardly as stealing candy from a baby, or a purse from an old lady, or MURDER! So, instead of going to the movies based on a review you read in the paper (we have learned, you cannot trust ANY of them!) and being sorely disappointed, let us guide you through the pearly gates of truly entertaining entertainment.  And come on, you can’t trust just ONE GUY! But THREE!?!? How could you go wrong? Between the cynical Brian, the easily entertained (and also bored) Jelani, and the chock-full-of-actual-movie-knowledge Ryan, all of your questions about whether a movie is crap or gold will be answered. So open your mind, join the ranks of Movie Crew! Don’t trust reviewers, trust THESE reviewers! Excelsior! (I’ve always wanted to say that, sorry Stan!)

-  Jelani

Special Thursday Movie Review: Human Centipede 2 - Full Sequence

Jelani's Take
Oh sweet Jesus! Where in the fucking hell do i even start!?!? This movie was... Uh... Hm... Good? Yeah! It was good. I think. Well, I guess I'll start with this: A couple years back, Me, Brian and our old roommate Michael Giurato (May Satan have mercy on his soul...) went to see Human Centipede at the IFC theater downtown. It was a great time. For those who have never been to the IFC theater, it is a grand throwback to the way the movies used to be. People socialize, laugh, and generally have a great time. We of course, returned to this great theater to experience the sequel to this great movie. (regardless of how people feel about it, we loved it. Might have been the atmosphere or something, but whatever. Fuck off.) So! Naturally, we were ready for a similar experience; a horror/thriller romp through "100% medically accurate"  playland! God, were we wrong. This black and white gore film is a parody of its first incarnation. It is disgusting. There were a couple of parts that I literally could not watch. It made Saw look like a slapstick episode of Looney Tunes. Like, really. Seriously. You've gotta have a strong stomach to watch this. Basically, the story follows a completely silent, mentally challenged, middle aged psycho toad of a man who is obsessed with the "100% medically accurate" precursor. Very egregiously, he kidnaps the most random assortment of people and then performs brutally crude amateur surgery on them. End. Throughout, we were hysterically laughing, as it was the only response that we could bring ourselves to. If you sit and watch this and take it seriously, it will be a bad trip. The characters are so ridiculous that one can't help but laugh. Oh, and did I mention that it is the most horrifically brutal movie I've ever seen? Oh yeah, I totally did. (geez, it's hard to shake those images.) But, overall it is well made. It is basically a big fuck you to everyone who criticized the ridiculousness of the first, and it had Easter eggs galore for those of us who enjoyed it. If you want to have a great time at the movies, go see this shit at the IFC. You won't know what to think afterwards, and you will undoubtedly have some laughs repeating the awesome one-liners and golden character moments (hint hint, there are just over a dozen of them) afterwards. Every scene is gut-wrenching, and dark, and weird, and artsy, and tongue-in-cheek, and over-the-top. For being a unique movie experience in every way, shape, and form, Human Centipede 2 definitely gets SOME stars.

Ryan's Retort
What. The. Fuck. I don't even know whether I liked this movie or not. I mean, I definitely had a good time watching it. I think. But it's like Tom Six went out of his way to make this movie the most fucked up, disgusting, and distasteful movie of all time. For example, the protagonist of the story is a really crazy, really fat retarded midget that barely speaks and was sexually abused by his father as a baby. Cool, huh? It gets worse. This story takes place in the "real" universe, in which the original "Human Centipede" is just a film. And said fat retarded midget just happens to be completely obsessed with it. He has handmade scrapbooks, a pet centipede, the works. Also, he's been working on a human centipede of his own; a full sequence human centipede with ten people, which includes a loud-mouth British wanker, the main actress from the first movie, and a pregnant woman. Yeah, that's right. A fucking pregnant woman. Is nothing sacred in this movie? Yes. Nothing is sacred indeed. I won't give away all of the details, but that baby dies in a very very awful way. Also, there's a part when poop is literally flung at the camera. Yucky! I recall my Movie Crew counterpart, Brian, asking why they would decide to shoot in black and white. At the time we didn't know. Well, by the end of the movie we got our answer. If this movie was in full color, it would be completely and utterly unwatchable. Take from that what you will. I'm going to go cry.

Brian's 2-cents
I enjoyed squirming and uncomfortably giggling while I watch the rotund baby rapped mute eat a nice dinner with his mother whom seconds before had her entire head and face completely annihilated by a crowbar leaving nothing but a crooked, jutting jaw bone and some bloody matted hair.  This movie was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I own 2 snuff films on VHS. SOME STARS!

Overview
Rating: Some stars
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. God no.

Tuesday Review: The Thing

Jelani's Take
So! I finally discovered the secret to not falling asleep during the late movies! Coooffeee! Lots and lots of the shit! Albeit I needed it for the beginning setup of this movie, the thrills kept me up throughout. Not that the setup was boring, it just lacked the gritty suspense and awesome monster moments that made the rest of this film a real treat. After seeing this film, and having never seen the original, I immediately went out and bought a VHS copy (which I will review later!) The entire "who among us is the monster?" schtick mixed with really brutal monster moments throughout made for great horror movie fun. The cast of characters was great, as it included a serious motley crew; the dynamics between them were great. The alien though, was by far the best part. It used the humans as its host, and when it revealed itself, it became a twisted abomination of a thing that was shown in full. Unlike a lot of new horror, in which the monster is only alluded to or seen in the shadows, The Thing was full-frontal-in-your-face-I'MGONNAEATYOU! monster. This movie had lots of fire, lots of guns, lots of explosions, and scientists turned badass monster slayers. And death galore! I was very entertained throughout. Thanks coffee. 5 stars.

Brian's 2-cents
In a shocking change of events, I DID fall asleep during this movie because I had been studying for midterms all week.  I was awake for the first half, and I have to agree with Jelani when he says it was awesome how they showed the monster from the beginning.  The thing was gross and kept bursting out of people, which was exceedingly entertaining.  I really appreciated how each time it busted out of human form, it never went completely to blob form, but resembled a horribly injured and mutated person.  The second half of the movie I nodded in and out for, but I vaguely remember a lot of flamethrower action.  I'm going to give this one 4 out 5 with an asterisk because I would like to watch it again without falling asleep.

Ryan's Retort
Being a huge ass fan of the original movie, directed by John Carpenter, I will say that this movie was obviously not as good as it could have been. First of all, there was no Kurt Russell cameo at the end. If Kurt Russell was in this movie for even one second, I would have liked it infinitely more. But he wasn't. Fuck. However, there were some sweet references to the original movie that had me tittering in my seat like a tiny little schoolgirl, i.e. the two headed monster thing and the axe in the wall. And the monster was fucking awesome. Like really really cool. There's this one part when they're in a helicopter and this dude's face breaks open and all of these tendrils start pouring out of the crevasse in his head and it was great. Also, those Norwegians sure do love to burn things. First churches, now shape-shifting alien creatures! There was this one part towards the end when the chick ends up on the alien's spaceship or whatever. That sucked. She's like looking at this really pixelated thing moving around for unnecessarily long, and they don't even explain what said pixelated thing is. I'm assuming it was the ship's core or something. It's retarded. My main gripe with this movie was that they kind of beat us over the head with explaining how the alien can shape-shift and disguise itself. We know it can do that. You said it in the fucking trailer. My 11 year old brother knows it can do that. Stop telling us about it. Also, I don't want to see its god damn spaceship. To think that an alien that horrifying drives around space in a spaceship so clean and symmetrical just makes it way less scary. Come on, Hollywood. Get your shit together.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 bearded Norwegian men
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. But Brian did!