VHS Review: House of the Dead (2003) by Brian

1.5 poop shirts out of 5

At first I though this was just a straight to tv movie, but apparently Mike G saw this one in theaters (poor guy).  This piece of shit is based on the arcade game "house of the dead", and is about a bunch of douche bags who try and go to a rave on the really creatively named "Isle de Muerte".  When they get there, they discover all the ravers have turned into super wimpy zombies.  Luckily, the seaman who brings them to the island is a gun smuggler, which leads to the only alright scene in the movie, a 20 minute or so zombie shooting montage cut with shots of the crappy graphics from the video game.  Its not clear whether these were science zombies or magic zombies, but they were lame as shit and not scary at all.  The best character in the movie is the dude who gets trapped in a porta-potty, but when rescued refuses to take off his poop stained shirt, until he eventually is killed in it.  I couldn't get over why this dude wouldn't just take off his poop shirt, he was clearly wearing another shirt under it, and there's no way zombies couldn't smell that a mile off.  The only exciting part of this tape was a preview for some Insane Clown Posse based movie called Serial Insane Clown Killer (S.I.C.K), I wished I watched that one instead.