Special Recommendation Movie Review - Bedazzled (1967) - by Ryan

Did you guys know that that movie with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley as Satan is a remake? Because I sure didn't. The original movie came highly recommended to me, by my girlfriend. So I watched it. And it was great! The original "Bedazzled" is way quirkier than its American counterpart. Quirkier in that British humor kinda way that only British people can pull off. Also, this movie clearly had a much lower budget than the American one. So good for them for coming up with such a creative and interesting story. In this version, the main character (Not Brendan Fraser) is a miserable shlub with nothing to live for. Not Brendan Fraser is about to kill himself, when all of a sudden this mysterious man with a cloak somehow gets into his apartment and offers him a million pounds. I don't know how much that is in American money, but I'm assuming its a lot. Anyway, we find out that all Not Brendan Fraser cares about in life is this one homely girl that he works with. Also, the mysterious man turns out to be Satan. So Satan gives Not Brendan Fraser seven wishes and each of them has something to do with trying to get this homely girl. But Satan, being the tricky son of a bitch that he is, fucks up each one of the wishes and completely screws Not Brendan Fraser over. I kept expecting Satan's tricks to be the same as in the American remake, like how Elizabeth Hurley makes Brendan Fraser gay in that one wish and then he has a tiny penis in that other wish. But in this version, Satan is just an outright asshole who personally sees to it that this guy does not ever get what he wants. Overall, I think I like the remake better. But this movie has a lot of hilarious things as well. Like this one part when Satan is a popstar singing this song that's making fun of 60's pop music. And this other part when everyone is a nun. So see this movie! Or don't!

Rating: 3 out of 5 Brendan Frasers

Welcome to Movie Crew!

Welcome to Movie Crew Review! Where three of the most rad-tastic New Yorkers that you could shake a stick at bring you correct and indisputably sound opinions!  On a scale of four wormy apples and whether or not I fell asleep, we will supply you with your fix of reviews of new releases, (that we see, regardless of other reviews, EVERY TUESDAY) classics, and random movies that we find and add to our colossal (yet ever growing) VHS collection! We have come to a great realization; an epiphany! It is our civic duty as movie buffs to right wrongs, deliver fair and truthful reviews, and fight crime! But seriously folks, when we’re not punching bad guys in the face, we’re shaking our heads at the idiotic and inaccurate reviews seen in newspapers, television, and even here, on the last beacon of truth, the internet! Surely publishing such reviews is as dastardly as stealing candy from a baby, or a purse from an old lady, or MURDER! So, instead of going to the movies based on a review you read in the paper (we have learned, you cannot trust ANY of them!) and being sorely disappointed, let us guide you through the pearly gates of truly entertaining entertainment.  And come on, you can’t trust just ONE GUY! But THREE!?!? How could you go wrong? Between the cynical Brian, the easily entertained (and also bored) Jelani, and the chock-full-of-actual-movie-knowledge Ryan, all of your questions about whether a movie is crap or gold will be answered. So open your mind, join the ranks of Movie Crew! Don’t trust reviewers, trust THESE reviewers! Excelsior! (I’ve always wanted to say that, sorry Stan!)

-  Jelani

Special Thursday Movie Review: Human Centipede 2 - Full Sequence

Jelani's Take
Oh sweet Jesus! Where in the fucking hell do i even start!?!? This movie was... Uh... Hm... Good? Yeah! It was good. I think. Well, I guess I'll start with this: A couple years back, Me, Brian and our old roommate Michael Giurato (May Satan have mercy on his soul...) went to see Human Centipede at the IFC theater downtown. It was a great time. For those who have never been to the IFC theater, it is a grand throwback to the way the movies used to be. People socialize, laugh, and generally have a great time. We of course, returned to this great theater to experience the sequel to this great movie. (regardless of how people feel about it, we loved it. Might have been the atmosphere or something, but whatever. Fuck off.) So! Naturally, we were ready for a similar experience; a horror/thriller romp through "100% medically accurate"  playland! God, were we wrong. This black and white gore film is a parody of its first incarnation. It is disgusting. There were a couple of parts that I literally could not watch. It made Saw look like a slapstick episode of Looney Tunes. Like, really. Seriously. You've gotta have a strong stomach to watch this. Basically, the story follows a completely silent, mentally challenged, middle aged psycho toad of a man who is obsessed with the "100% medically accurate" precursor. Very egregiously, he kidnaps the most random assortment of people and then performs brutally crude amateur surgery on them. End. Throughout, we were hysterically laughing, as it was the only response that we could bring ourselves to. If you sit and watch this and take it seriously, it will be a bad trip. The characters are so ridiculous that one can't help but laugh. Oh, and did I mention that it is the most horrifically brutal movie I've ever seen? Oh yeah, I totally did. (geez, it's hard to shake those images.) But, overall it is well made. It is basically a big fuck you to everyone who criticized the ridiculousness of the first, and it had Easter eggs galore for those of us who enjoyed it. If you want to have a great time at the movies, go see this shit at the IFC. You won't know what to think afterwards, and you will undoubtedly have some laughs repeating the awesome one-liners and golden character moments (hint hint, there are just over a dozen of them) afterwards. Every scene is gut-wrenching, and dark, and weird, and artsy, and tongue-in-cheek, and over-the-top. For being a unique movie experience in every way, shape, and form, Human Centipede 2 definitely gets SOME stars.

Ryan's Retort
What. The. Fuck. I don't even know whether I liked this movie or not. I mean, I definitely had a good time watching it. I think. But it's like Tom Six went out of his way to make this movie the most fucked up, disgusting, and distasteful movie of all time. For example, the protagonist of the story is a really crazy, really fat retarded midget that barely speaks and was sexually abused by his father as a baby. Cool, huh? It gets worse. This story takes place in the "real" universe, in which the original "Human Centipede" is just a film. And said fat retarded midget just happens to be completely obsessed with it. He has handmade scrapbooks, a pet centipede, the works. Also, he's been working on a human centipede of his own; a full sequence human centipede with ten people, which includes a loud-mouth British wanker, the main actress from the first movie, and a pregnant woman. Yeah, that's right. A fucking pregnant woman. Is nothing sacred in this movie? Yes. Nothing is sacred indeed. I won't give away all of the details, but that baby dies in a very very awful way. Also, there's a part when poop is literally flung at the camera. Yucky! I recall my Movie Crew counterpart, Brian, asking why they would decide to shoot in black and white. At the time we didn't know. Well, by the end of the movie we got our answer. If this movie was in full color, it would be completely and utterly unwatchable. Take from that what you will. I'm going to go cry.

Brian's 2-cents
I enjoyed squirming and uncomfortably giggling while I watch the rotund baby rapped mute eat a nice dinner with his mother whom seconds before had her entire head and face completely annihilated by a crowbar leaving nothing but a crooked, jutting jaw bone and some bloody matted hair.  This movie was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I own 2 snuff films on VHS. SOME STARS!

Overview
Rating: Some stars
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. God no.

Tuesday Review: The Thing

Jelani's Take
So! I finally discovered the secret to not falling asleep during the late movies! Coooffeee! Lots and lots of the shit! Albeit I needed it for the beginning setup of this movie, the thrills kept me up throughout. Not that the setup was boring, it just lacked the gritty suspense and awesome monster moments that made the rest of this film a real treat. After seeing this film, and having never seen the original, I immediately went out and bought a VHS copy (which I will review later!) The entire "who among us is the monster?" schtick mixed with really brutal monster moments throughout made for great horror movie fun. The cast of characters was great, as it included a serious motley crew; the dynamics between them were great. The alien though, was by far the best part. It used the humans as its host, and when it revealed itself, it became a twisted abomination of a thing that was shown in full. Unlike a lot of new horror, in which the monster is only alluded to or seen in the shadows, The Thing was full-frontal-in-your-face-I'MGONNAEATYOU! monster. This movie had lots of fire, lots of guns, lots of explosions, and scientists turned badass monster slayers. And death galore! I was very entertained throughout. Thanks coffee. 5 stars.

Brian's 2-cents
In a shocking change of events, I DID fall asleep during this movie because I had been studying for midterms all week.  I was awake for the first half, and I have to agree with Jelani when he says it was awesome how they showed the monster from the beginning.  The thing was gross and kept bursting out of people, which was exceedingly entertaining.  I really appreciated how each time it busted out of human form, it never went completely to blob form, but resembled a horribly injured and mutated person.  The second half of the movie I nodded in and out for, but I vaguely remember a lot of flamethrower action.  I'm going to give this one 4 out 5 with an asterisk because I would like to watch it again without falling asleep.

Ryan's Retort
Being a huge ass fan of the original movie, directed by John Carpenter, I will say that this movie was obviously not as good as it could have been. First of all, there was no Kurt Russell cameo at the end. If Kurt Russell was in this movie for even one second, I would have liked it infinitely more. But he wasn't. Fuck. However, there were some sweet references to the original movie that had me tittering in my seat like a tiny little schoolgirl, i.e. the two headed monster thing and the axe in the wall. And the monster was fucking awesome. Like really really cool. There's this one part when they're in a helicopter and this dude's face breaks open and all of these tendrils start pouring out of the crevasse in his head and it was great. Also, those Norwegians sure do love to burn things. First churches, now shape-shifting alien creatures! There was this one part towards the end when the chick ends up on the alien's spaceship or whatever. That sucked. She's like looking at this really pixelated thing moving around for unnecessarily long, and they don't even explain what said pixelated thing is. I'm assuming it was the ship's core or something. It's retarded. My main gripe with this movie was that they kind of beat us over the head with explaining how the alien can shape-shift and disguise itself. We know it can do that. You said it in the fucking trailer. My 11 year old brother knows it can do that. Stop telling us about it. Also, I don't want to see its god damn spaceship. To think that an alien that horrifying drives around space in a spaceship so clean and symmetrical just makes it way less scary. Come on, Hollywood. Get your shit together.

Overview
Rating: 4 out of 5 bearded Norwegian men
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No. But Brian did!

Dragon Movie Review: Dragon Wars (D-War) - By Ryan

Let me just go right ahead and say that this movie wasn't as awesome as one would assume it is, being that it is called "Dragon Wars". First of all, the main dragon isn't even really a dragon but more so just a very large cobra. But there are some real dragons and they do go to war with each other and what not, so don't you worry about that. Anyway, the movie starts with some random old dude telling this child about these ancient Dragon Wars and how this sect of assholes, called the Red Dragon, are constantly after this jade necklace called the Yu Yuji or something similar to that. Then we never see that old dude or that child again and we somehow get to modern day where this chick has the Yu Yuji. Then a bunch of talking stuff happens, which I don't remember because I wasn't paying attention. Then the main Dragonlord from the Red Dragon sect shows up and the huge cobra dragon starts stalking the chick with the Yu Yuji and kills several people. It isn't until the climax of the movie that things get really cool. Dragons start coming out of nowhere and attacking innocent people all over the city. They're fucking up buildings and helicopters and everything! Then there's this whole other subplot about some dude being like the chosen one or some bullshit like that. And then it ends with this majestic Chinese dragon flying off into the sunset. I probably would have been moved if I had any idea of what was going on. This movie was clearly made by a small Korean production studio, with a Korean director that does not speak any English. The editing is terrible, the acting is atrocious, and the story is really hard to follow. But man, do those dragons look good.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Yu Yujis

VHS Review: Boogie Nights (1997)

2/5

When I bought this tape for $1.08 at the Goodwill, I was thrilled because it had one of my favorite people of all time in it, John C. Reilly.  In this movie, Reilly plays Reed Rothchild, a porn star just trying to make a living boning chicks and acting silly.  One day Rothchild is just chilling at his bosses sweet ass pad with a pool and hot chicks when some new dude comes along and drinks margaritas with him.  The new dude has a big dick or something and ends up co-staring in a action/porno with Rothchild.  2 hours later, Rothchild realizes he just wanted to do magic tricks the whole time, and quits porno, the end.  This movie was way too long, the first half of the movie having no conflict at all.  When the conflict (some guy who's not John C. Reilly gets addicted to drugs) finally happens, its predictable and not that interesting.  Oh did I mention you get to see Reilly shred some sweet guitar and Don Cheadle's there.  For your Health

Parents House Special: "Splice" (2009)

5 sexy abominations out of 5
I remember reading a review for Splice in the newpaper that said it was terrible, BUT THEY WERE FUCKING WRONG!  This movie wasn't enjoyable for the whole family, but I made my sister and mom sit through it anyway, because pops and I really wanted to watch it.  Splice is about Adrien Brody and some chick (Sarah Polley), who are punk rocky scientists messing around with combining different animal genes together.  After their bitchy boss lady tells them not to use human DNA, they do anyway.  At first the abomination is really gross, then its really cute, then its really sexy.  Did I just say sexy monster? yeah I did!  The abomination, which they name Dren, grows up in a matter of weeks to look like a bald hot chick with kangaroo legs and a sweet ass tail complete with brutal poisonous stinger.  I loved how Adrien Brody and I both came to realize that Dren was kinda hot at the same time. And after a super lame clothes-on sex scene between Brody and his mediocre looking girlfriend, you get to see Brody fuck this shit out of this monster.  Monster sex scene? you know I'm into that!  I don't want to give away too much, but the ending of this movie is creative and surprising.  See this movie, its one of the most original scifi films I've seen in a while.

VHS Review: House of the Dead (2003) by Brian

1.5 poop shirts out of 5

At first I though this was just a straight to tv movie, but apparently Mike G saw this one in theaters (poor guy).  This piece of shit is based on the arcade game "house of the dead", and is about a bunch of douche bags who try and go to a rave on the really creatively named "Isle de Muerte".  When they get there, they discover all the ravers have turned into super wimpy zombies.  Luckily, the seaman who brings them to the island is a gun smuggler, which leads to the only alright scene in the movie, a 20 minute or so zombie shooting montage cut with shots of the crappy graphics from the video game.  Its not clear whether these were science zombies or magic zombies, but they were lame as shit and not scary at all.  The best character in the movie is the dude who gets trapped in a porta-potty, but when rescued refuses to take off his poop stained shirt, until he eventually is killed in it.  I couldn't get over why this dude wouldn't just take off his poop shirt, he was clearly wearing another shirt under it, and there's no way zombies couldn't smell that a mile off.  The only exciting part of this tape was a preview for some Insane Clown Posse based movie called Serial Insane Clown Killer (S.I.C.K), I wished I watched that one instead.

VHS Review: "Lock Up" by Brian

4 sweet ass cars getting destroyed with bats (out of 5)
Lock up is one of the five thousand action movies Sylvester Stallone made when he was in his prime.  In Lock Up, Stallone's character, Frank, is in jail for the second time after a daring escape from prison in order to see his dying father one last time.  With only 6 weeks to go, he is taken from nice prison and put in a shitty prison called "Gateway" run by Donald Sutherland, who Frank dicked over in the past.  Sutherland continuously tries to provoke Frank into trying to escape from jail again so he can fuck with him forever in brutal prison.  Frank is really determined to get out of jail and be with his super hot girlfriend, so he tries to resist the urge to escape.  This movie had a couple of good prison fight scenes, and two montages: and a heart-warming "fix the car" montage and a sweet "playing prison football" montage.  Stallone had a couple of hilarious one liners including "Thats Italian" (after he kisses his girl) and "Rape This" (right before he punches a dude in the face.)  However, the best line in the movie doesn't go to Stallone but to John Amos for his line: "I'm going to shine my boots with your face, you fat fuck!"  This movie was fun to watch, especially because you know Frank is going to attempt another escape, and you get to watch Stallone pretending to go crazy in solitary confinement.

Head to Head VHS Review: "Merlin vs Excaliber" by Brian

Both of these movies focus on the story of King Arthur so I decided to double up the review.  Merlin was actually a TV miniseries, but I didn't realize that until I researched the film.  Merlin starts all the way from the beginning, from the conception of Merlin, how he grows up and learns magic.  Merlin stars Sam Neill, the poor man's Kevin Costner, who just want to go hang out with his love Nimue, but always has to go save the world from douche bag kings who always think with their little heads and not their big heads.  Excalibur is a much more brutal and interesting movie, and it even has my boy Patrick Stewart, being a total badass as usual.  In Excalibur, Merlin isn't all pussy and righteous, and helps out others for his own gain.  Excalibur definitely wins this head to head because all the characters wear crazy spiked shiny full plate everywhere! they even fuck in full plate!  Excalibur has some righteous super long medieval battle scenes, but goes a little too long.  The costumes make this movie.

Final Ranks:
Merlin- 3 out of 5
Excalibur- 4 out of 5

VHS Review: "Friday the 13th part 4: The Final Chapter" by Brian

3 Packs of Patootzies out of 5

In Part 4,a bunch of teenagers move into a house in the woods to walk around scantily clad and get drunk.  The house is supposed to be in the middle of nowhere, but there is another house across the street housing a very young Corey Feldman, along with his mom and sister.  I don't like child actors, or children in general, so having a little kid as the main character in stead of a hot chick was pretty disappointing.  I wasn't really sure of the plot of this movie, but the tits and murders still made it an above average movie.  My favorite part was the skinny dipping scene, after which Feldman remarks to his mom, "What a pack of patootzies!"  We had no idea what a pack of patootzies is, but it made us crack up on the paxton just the same.  Best murder of this film goes to........ Fat chick eating a banana!

Tuesday Review: "Real Steel"

Brian's 2-Cents
After a lovely movie-crew-exclusive night of hanging out by the East River and watching Jelani eat a slice of pizza with gyro meat on top of it, we headed over to the 62nd st Clearview for the movie.  And just when we thought Hollywood had completely stopped making good movies, REAL MOTHERFUCKING STEEL!!!!  This movie is basically Tranformers meets Rocky, which turns out to be a fantastic combination.  Real Steel takes place in the near future, where even poor Huge Ackmans can afford smart phones, oh and did I mention THEY HAVE GIANT ROBOT FIGHTS WHERE THEY BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH! The film follows dead beat dad Huge Ackman, who gets stuck with his estranged son when his mom dies.  Hey its cool though, because this kid is really fucking good at fighting robots.  Ackman and his son go around beating the shit out of every robot they can find, until they make it to the big leagues, where they continue to brutally beat the shit out of other robots.  I loved this movie, especially the part where they fight a robot against a huge bull.  Its 2 hours of non-stop metal on metal, definitely one of the best movies of the year.

Ryan's Retort
Any movie that has a robot bonding montage is okay in my book. This movie was way better than I thought it was going to be. Who am I kidding? I knew I'd like it. Because fighting robots are always fucking awesome. And they are fucking awesome in this movie as well. I've always wanted my own fighting robot, but never as much as I do right now. I hope this movie becomes reality, that's how much I enjoyed it. Fuck real boxing. My favorite part is when the rambunctious young boy frolics through the streets with his newly acquired fighting robot pal, who can't help but accidentally knock everything out of his way. It's hilarious and I wish I was that kid. The things I would do to be the kid in this movie. I would kill 5 million babies for a robot best friend. But I digress. The only problem I had with Real Steel is that there was no ending. Everything but the final fight remains unresolved, including the fates of the little boy and his dad, Huge Ackmans. Or maybe it's just to be assumed that they never see each other again ever. I don't know. Either way, it doesn't really matter. This movie was fucking awesome, go see it so that they make another one.

Jelani's Take!

Real Steel was awesome. Plain and simple, it was a well-made movie from start to finish. I think that something can be said to the fact that regardless of its predictability, the story remained exciting and engrossing throughout. It's a tale you know very well by now; the underdog fights his (or in this case, its) way to the top, overcoming the myriad obstacles in the way. I found myself really rooting for the characters to come out on top in this one, and it was charming as hell. Oh! And robots beat the shit  out of one another. That's cool any way you slice it. All of the robots were unique and intricately designed, and it didn't hurt to have some Spielberg money to smooth the entire ensemble over and make it look as realistic as possible. Huge Ackman and whoever the hell that kid is play off each other flawlessly, with snappy banter and all around good chemistry. The fights are all great throughout. Diverse arenas, opponents, and stakes make for an entertaining experience that kept me awake the whole time. Wolverine as a deadbeat father and robot boxing buff gets 5 big stars in my book!

Overview
Rating: 5 out of 5 Gyro Pizzas
Did Jelani Fall Asleep: No.

VHS Review: "Fortress" by Brian

5 out of 5 intestinations

I had never heard of this movie, even with a star studded cast of Christopher Lambert (that guy from Highlander) and your favorite mean dad, Kurtwood Smith (Red from That 70's Show).  It even had Clifton Collins Jr, whom I immediately recognized as Tack from one of my favorite movies, The Stoned Age.  This movie takes place in a horrifying republican future where having a second child is illegal, but having an abortion is also illegal, leading to a prison filled with pregnant women.  The main dude gets caught trying to smuggle himself and his pregnant wife into Mexico, landing both of them in future prison.  Not only are the prison sentences ridiculously long in the future, they also put a little mechanical ball (intestinator) in your stomach and if you fuck up, you get "intestinated", potentially to death.  There's also this badass laser robot that will blow a fucking hole straight through you.  But wait there's more! in this prison they make it really easy to kill yourself (or others) by putting automatic intestinate lines all over and leaving huge cliffs for you to fall off everywhere.  I was thoroughly entertained as I watched Lambert try to figure out a way to save his wife and child before his baby is turned into a mechanical Borg looking dude.  Lambert winds up getting hold of this awesome machine gun and kills the shit out of like 30 Borgs (some super humans they turned out to be.)  In the end there's a massive explosion which really ties it up nicely.  This is a lost classic, would watch again.

Clifton Collins Jr.

Special Recommendation Movie Review - "Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil" by Ryan

I got to see this movie for free since my friend Mike works at a movie theater where it was playing. Also, he got me a free soda so that was cool too. But anyway, about this movie. Let me start by saying, it was fucking hilarious. "Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil" is a dark comedy about two hillbillies who head up to their vacation cabin in the woods for a weekend of manly excursions, such as fishing and chopping wood. At the same time, there are these dumb college kids camping out in the very same woods. When the dumb college kids see these two creepy hillbillies they just automatically assume that they're going to get murdered to death by them. Which, of course, is not the case; Tucker and Dale are actually really nice and normal dudes. When one of the college kids accidentally falls and hits her head, Tucker and Dale take her up to their cabin and tend to her wounds. Meanwhile, the college kids think that they've kidnapped and are torturing their friend. What ensues is a chain of hilarious misunderstandings and accidental suicides, which totally freaks everyone out. The college kids think that Tucker and Dale are picking off their friends one by one. Tucker and Dale think the college kids took some sort of crazy suicide pact and they're just killing themselves all over their property. It's great. And it's very well written. And there's lots of blood and gore! But it all would have gone to crap if it weren't for the two guys that play Tucker and Dale, Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine respectively. Both of them are funny, likable, and believable hillbillies. Great job, guys! Can't wait for the sequel!*

Rating: 5 bloody torsos (out of 5)

*Not joking, they're actually making a sequel.

Parents House Review "Critters" by Brian

4 Pruppets out of 5
Nothing much to do at my parents house except eat, poop, and watch TV, but they have Skinamax on demand, so I checked out this gem.  Critters is about a race of malevolently adorable furry aliens who escape their asteroid prison to mess with some rubes on Earth while some other aliens try to kill them.  The puppets who played the Critters were fantastically done, making this movie a real keeper (gotta find the VHS!)  Watching pruppets getting blown apart in every imaginable way was extremely enjoyable, time to check out Critters 2.

VHS Review: Pootie Tang by Brian

4 out of 5

What can I say about this classic comedy written and directed by none other than one of my favorite comedians, Louis CK?  You a baddy daddy lamatai tebby chai,  I'm going to sine your pitty on the runny kine.  May I dane on the jammies, Mama Dee?  You ain't come one, but many tine tanies.  Sa Da Tay!  Ok I got a little lazy on this review, but see this shit, its hilarious.

Jelani Agrees!
Za da tay my damey! Grade A comedy!

VHS Review: "Friday the 13th, Part 3"

4 Seth-Rogan-Looking-Motherfuckers (out of 5)
Totally ignoring the 20ish murders that have there happened in the past decade, more sexy teenagers go to Camp Crystal Lake to walk around scantily clad and have sex in hammocks.  The plot of Part 3 is exactly the same as in Part 2, except they bring some chubby-jewfro-having-Seth-Rogan-looking-motherfucker (instead of wheelchair dude.)  Even though the plot is unchanged from the previous movie, the murders are still brutal, the babes still babetastic, and Jason still knows the right moment to jump out to make you squirm a little on your Paxton (which is what we here at the Gun Rack call our leather couch.)  This is the movie where Jason trades out his sweet burlap sack for the infamous old tymey hockey mask.  The best character in the movie is a biker dude who wears a leather vest OVER a denim one! how badass is that!?  Great movie, would watch again.

Tuesday Review "Killer Elite" by Brian & Ryan

I was super psyched for this movie, unfortunately I was a little disappointed by the muddled plot and minimum amount of explosions.  Jason Statham is my favorite current action star (RIP Swayze), and everyone knows DeNiro is the man, but even with their forces combined into a double helix of pure awesomeness, I was merely entertained by this movie, not impressed.  In Killer Elite,  Statham goes around killing former S.A.S. agents to free DeNiro from some Osama looking motherfucker.  While Statham goes around smashing peoples faces in, Clive Owen tries to stop him on behalf of some illegal, yet not interesting, secret society.  The amount of factions in this movie made it really confusing since all British people look the same.  It was also difficult to know who to root for since there was no good or bad team.  The best scene in this movie is where my boy Jason fucks up two dudes while being tied to a chair, even so, wait for video.

Ryan's Retort 
Supposedly, this movie is based on a true story. I call bullshit. Now I don't know about you guys, but when I try to use a loaf of bread as a silencer for my pistol it typically does not work. This movie did not live up to the hype at all. Sure there was a cool chair fight, and a cool jacket fight, and this part where Robert DeNiro shoots a guy from all the way across a subway platform, but what good is all of that if you can't even understand what's going on? The plot of the movie is so exposition-y and boring that Jelani fell asleep literally every five minutes. Also, I didn't care about any of these characters; with the exception of maybe Robert DeNiro, who had about 15 - 20 minutes of screentime in total. Sure, you have a beautiful Australian girlfriend, Jason Statham. That's cool. But frankly, I just don't give a shit. 

Jelani's Blurry Take
Okay, I suppose I can't really give a really fair review to this, as I was snoring throughout most of the middle of it, But seriously, the movies that I fall asleep for are usually the ones not really worth seeing. Jason Statham was awesome throughout, and DeNiro was a super cool killing machine. It's just too bad that such a great cast of balls-to-the-wall sick-nasty action stars was relegated to this plot heavy flick. The story in and of itself was good enough, I suppose. The guys want out. Being that these guys are the best at what they do though, that is far easier said than done. Statham must pull off one last job to save his best bud, while lots of money is on the line and Clive Owen is trying to screw them over for some other reason. I feel that there was too much focus on espionage and moral statements in this convoluted and often confusing film. What I was expecting to see was my man Jason kicking guys in the face for hours, but instead he only did it for a few scenes. There were some pretty sound underlying messages in there about money and governmental systems and corruption and morality and all that nonsense, so if you're into that kind of stuff, you'll probably like it fine. This was by no accounts a bad movie, but rather an unpleasant surprise. It lulls at many points, but still shines in some, which is why Killer Elite gets 2 and a half snores out of 5.

Overview
Rating: 3 beautiful bald Jason Statham heads (out of five)
Did Jelani fall asleep: Yes.

VHS Review "Friday the 13th Part 2" by Brian

5 burlap sack masks (out of 5)

The second in the Friday the 13th series is actually better than the first.  In this movie, Jason's doing the killing himself, and he is PISSED! Totally ignoring the fact that like 10 people were brutally murdered five years before, some new hippyish dude decided to start another summer camp at camp Crystal Lake.  Think no ones getting murdered this time?  Hell no!  The best part of the movie was all the cut-off thermals that the chicks were wearing.  The saddest part is when this wheel chair dude is totally about to get laid when all of a sudden hes machete'd down a flight of stairs.  I loved this movie, this is a VHS that might almost be worth TWO dollars! chi chi chi, hah hah hah hah.

VHS Review "Friday the 13th" by Brian

5 misused gardening tools (out of five)

I'm going to be experimenting with new rating systems, so stick with me.  I want to send a special thanks to our buddy at the transformers/ metal shirt store (Ill get the name of the store eventually), who hooked it up with a huge bag of VHS including Friday the 13ths 1-8 (excluding 5).  I had never seen this classic but man, was this movie awesome.  Friday the 13th is about super skinny hot 80's chicks who run around in their underwear trying not to get brutally murdered, mostly without much luck.  Its also about yelling "finish the job! what are you doing!?, pick up that knife and make sure....OH NO ITS TOO LATE OH YOU GUNNA GEEEEET IT!!"  The first Jason movie, this movie is a must-see for anyone who likes horror.